Dealing with the loss of loved ones

[Aurelem]

This subject has been on my mind a lot lately. It's always hard to lose someone close to you. I've recently lost a couple of people who meant a great deal to me. I know that it's going to take time for those wounds to heal, but it's just hard to imagine life without these people.

Almost two months ago, one of my favorite aunts died of brain cancer. In the span of four months, from diagnosis to her death, we watched her rapidly deteriorate due to the illness. Prior to this, she had always been a vibrant woman who loved to laugh and cared about everyone. She was always going places and doing things to live the fullest life she could live. Among other things, she worked caring for people facing terminal illness. Then, when she was diagnosed, she became a patient, herself. It's such a sad irony to consider that her co-workers were among those who helped to care for her in the end. I'm just now starting to adjust to the fact that she is gone.

Then, late last week, a good friend of mine was killed in a car wreck. It's been a shock to her family and friends because she was another person who was always going places and doing things. She had a way of showing concern for her fellow human being, and showing great respect for the individual differences of others. She was another person who helped talk me through a few problems, and I've never forgotten that support and encouragement. Another concern is that her youngest daughter was injured badly in the wreck, and is still in the hospital recovering from some serious injuries. On top of that, she now has to deal with the loss of her mother. Her family is very close knit, and they're all having a hard time dealing with losing her.

I've lost quite a few people who meant a great deal to me over the years. This isn't the first time I've had to deal with the death of someone important in my life. However, each time something this tragic happens, it reminds you just how easily the unexpected can happen. Even when you expect something of this magnitude, you're never fully prepared for the impact it will have on you. I guess with these two deaths in such a short span of time, it's been a subject that has once again weighed heavily on my mind.

For myself, I never actually feared the prospect of my own death, although I hope to live a long, full life before that time comes. I figure it will happen someday. When the time comes, I just want it to be quick and painless. That's all I ask. What I fear more about my own death is the effect it would have on my family and friends. I'm far more fearful of losing the people I care about than the prospect of my own death.

With all that has went on around me lately, I've been thinking about how people react to death. Some people are afraid of dying, and others seem far too eager to welcome it. Some people spend so much time worrying about death that they waste their lives. Others give up on life and kill themselves because they are troubled.

I guess it should serve as a reminder that we never know what will happen in the next moment. We should just do the best we can to live in each moment.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, I'm just rummaging through a lot of mental chatter.

[TranquilSkye]

a few semesters ago i took the psychology of death and dying. everyone reccommended it and i knew very little about death other than that it was final. the class was wonderful. there's so much more to the dying process than the actual loss of life. if i remember nothing else from that class it will be that the pain of losing a loved one never goes away. it could be 50 years later and the loss of that loved one will still hurt, maybe not as bad though. i'm not really sure if this helps you at all its just what popped into my head after reading your post.

[reva_544]

I also took a death and dying class, but I didn't like it so much. Since I was an accounting major, the sociology professor didn't appeal much to me. However, I think what I did take with me is the awareness that I have only been given so much time on this earth and that someday it'll be my day to depart. It could be tomorrow. My awareness of this is both a blessing and a curse. I am not afraid of death. However, I'm afraid of not experiencing everything I want to before I leave. I can't do everything at once...somethings will have to wait until the appropriate time. I have to take care of other things that aren't necessarily on my list (working for instance). It all makes me very anxious and I'm always in a rush to do things.

The only thing that helps me calm myself and slow down is this: I cannot die before it's my time. I will experience everything I am supposed to experience. If I don't get to experience something in my lifetime, it's because it isn't part of God's plan for me.

I am very sorry for your loss.

[ce607]

Reva, I think I know what you mean. It is terrifying to me to realize that yes, there actually will be a funeral for me someday, and people will come and talk about me. They will go through my things and put an obituary in the paper. It's almost unimaginable. Unlike you, I haven't yet accepted that I will go when my time is up. I think I have a sneaking fear that perhaps I will die before I am old, but I can't bear to dwell on that.

I also realize that I will have to deal with the death of my parents someday, and that too is a day too painful to think about. I watched my parents this spring deal with my mom's father's death, and the hardest thing about that was seeing my mom in so much pain. At 91, he developed a random cancer and five weeks later was gone. The last 10 days or so my parents and aunt and uncle were with him, as he rapidly deteriorated.

When my parents came home, my mom was kind of dazed and still reeling from the whole awful thing, but she kept talking about those 10 days with her brother and his wife, who they don't get to see very often. The four of them bonded so much in that time that every meal was special, every evening playing cards and sampling the last of my grandfather's liquor cabinet was a time to remember, and even though the reason they were there was terrible, none of them will ever forget that time, and it is just another permanent bond for them. I guess that's the positive that can come out of these things - strengthening the relationships of those left behind.

Aurelem, I also am very sorry for both your aunt and friend.

[squirmy]

Aurelem, I can't believe you started this thread. I had to take some time away from being online altogether because I just lost my aunt last week. She also passed away because of cancer (ovarian cancer). And the hard part about it was that she was my favorite aunt. You're absolutely right, though - even after all that pain plus knowing she'd eventually go, nothing - NOTHING - prepares you for when it finally comes. It's definitely going to be different now that she's not around. But I know for a fact that she's in a better place now, free of her pain.

My aunt was a lot like yours - vibrant and full of life. With all that energy, she had this amazing way of loving everyone around her, yet she also had a tender and endearing side. I can't even begin to imagine what my uncle is going to feel in these next few months. He loved her so deeply.

As for my own reaction to death, I honestly haven't given it too much thought. If I die because someone kills me, so be it. Whether it's slow torture or something "quick and painless," I guess it'll really be out of my hands anyway. Maybe I'll just have to accept whatever comes. Who knows. Maybe I'm just too naive to really know or understand anything concerning my exit. There's just too much to life, though, to be stuck on that thought.

Thank you for starting this thread. I hope you've been coping well. :)

[M4A1]

Please have my deepest condolences, Aurelem and Squirmy.

I know how you feel. I really do. I had lost someone too... a while ago...

In certain situations, death... isn't... all that... (sigh)

...But you know, it's just amazing how quickly that some people lose their respect for the deceased. Even if the deceased was the person who gave "the disrepectful" life in the beginning. The tragedy didn't end with his passing...

Anyway, this is your thread... I'm sorry for your lost, Aurelem and Squirmy.

[imagine1213]

Aurelem and Squirmy, I am so sorry for both of your losses. I think sometimes that we are so young and fearless that death can smack us right in the face.

I lost my dad five months ago. He died alone and suddenly; it was a huge shock. Unfortunately, we didn't have a relationship. I don't regret that fact (it's a long story). I think about it and it is so sad. Things are sometimes unexplainable and I have become extremely frustrated with that. I do believe in God, I just don't understand why certain things happen.

[squirmy]

Hi again,

Thanks, M4 and imagine. :) Your words help. It's nice to know that others can understand the difficulty of all this.

Imagine, I hear you on your frustration. I guess there are some questions that we'll just have to wait on until we meet our Maker face to face (God, grant me patience - NOW).

And Aurelem - happy birthday. :)

[Aurelem]

Thanks to everyone who expressed concern. I really appreciate it. It's been a trying time for me. I always get real depressed around the holiday season. With everything else that's happened in the last couple of months, it's been especially difficult this year. For a while there, I felt like I was heading for a nervous breakdown of some sort. I tried working two jobs to make some extra money, and the demands at both workplaces escalated. I ended up quitting the lesser paying job because I couldn't handle two jobs anymore. The sad irony is that I had to choose the one I did because of the money. I had to give up the one I worked because I enjoyed the type of work. I went through a period of illness and nearly collapsed in my tracks several times. I couldn't even afford to go to a doctor because my insurance benefits were gone since I was no longer full-time on my primary job. My tendencies toward insomnia escalated to the point where I was only sleeping 2-4 hours most days, and fighting to sleep the remaining 6-8 hours of my designated "sleep time." There might be one day every now or then where I'd finally get so tired that I'd crash for a 14-16-hour sleep, but it wasn't restful either. It was uncharacteristically heavy. I had a lot of personal crap going on, so I kept forgetting about everything that I was supposed to be doing until it was almost too late. I'd spent the last year working to repair the damage from some stupid financial mistakes over the last few years. In the last couple of months, I nearly backpeddled on myself and lost control of my finances again. I almost fell back into the hole out of which I'd been working to climb over the last 18 months. I was proud of myself for the first time in a while, too, because I was doing it on my own without intervention. My bills were finally getting back under control. Then, everything turned sour on me, it seemed, all at once. I'm just now catching back up.

TranquilSkye, what you said certainly doesn't hurt anything. I think that probably is true. I wasn't sure where I was going with what I said. It was just mental chatter at a moment when no one was around.

Reva, I think I look at the issue of death a lot like you do. In fact, my outlook on life is similar in that I believe things happen as they're meant to happen when they are meant to happen. Doesn't mean I don't get impatient and try to rush things. It just means that I realize things are going to go as they're going to go. I'm still a human being, occasionally an irrational one, though.

CE607, sorry about the loss of your grandfather. I've never worried about the prospect of my own death for myself. I always worried more about how my death would affect my family and friends who'd be left behind to deal with losing me. There are many times that I feel alone and that no one cares, but that's another issue I'm trying to deal with. In my rational mind, I know that there are probably a lot of people who would consider my death a tragic loss. Sometimes, just other factors of myself cloud my views and distort things, but that's a long story.

Squirmy, I've been coping as well as can be expected. It's been hard, but I've always managed to survive whatever struggle I face. I'm sorry to hear about your aunt. It sounds like she was as special to you as my aunt was to me.

I went to my friend's (Judy) visitation 2 nights ago. I once dated her oldest daughter (Des), who is two years older than me. I met them on the internet, then we met in person. Shortly afterward, Des and I started dating. We've all remained friends even though she and I aren't dating anymore. I've become friends with a lot of their family, as well since then. Des cried on my shoulder for quite a while. Then, we had to laugh when she apologized for crying all over me as soon as I got there. I reassured her that it was all right. I understood. Des had been struggling with other problems of her own, also. She had just gotten out of drug rehabilitation, only to face this tragedy. Like me, she's another case of a bad quarterlife crisis. Of course, I felt awful enough, losing a good friend like Judy. She was a strong, compassionate woman who cared about everyone around her, and wasn't afraid to show it. Since they lived in the same town as my parents at the time, it was nothing to stop by and visit them while I was in town. Judy was one of the few people who I felt really cared about me. She was always willing to drop what she was doing, if possible, to help a friend in need. Then to see other friends around me also suffering through pain of their own like this was even worse. Sorry about rambling at this point. Des and I had spent most of this morning talking back and forth on the messenger. We've been playing counselor to each other. So, yes, my mind is in a whirl right now, and I'm getting myself confused.

Imagine, sorry for the loss of your father. Also, sorry to hear that you didn't have a great relationship with him. My relationship with my dad wasn't always as good as it is now. He and I had a period where we quite frankly couldn't stand to be in the same room together. My family has been through a lot of hard times over the years, but we're starting to come to terms with a lot of it. Things started coming together a few years ago. The road is still rough sometimes, but it's better than it was at one time. Those darker times still seem to loom like a black cloud some days, but they do make way for brighter memories other days. I understand how much it must hurt even if you're not close. I hope you're able to reconcile your feelings and find some peace. It won't be easy, but not much in life is easy. At this point in life, I don't know if I could stand the loss of either of my parents or my sister, especially since we're now becoming closer than we ever were before.

It seems there's a flood raging across the bridge on the path of my life right now. That's a lot more than I originally intended to post.

[Aurelem]

Thanks for the birthday wish, Squirmy. It means a lot.

With everything else going on, it hasn't felt like much of a birthday, though. I definitely wasn't in a celebratory mood, even though my family got together at my parents' house for the dinner party.

On top of what I'd previously posted, I was mad because I'd put in a day off request for yesterday and today. Well, I was scheduled for midnight to 8 a.m., yesterday morning because we're understaffed at work. I got this morning off, though. So, I still had to work 8 hours after spending half the night before work at my friend's visitation. So, I was exhausted and ended up sleeping through most of my birthday. It was around 7 or 8 p.m., before I even got out of bed. My sister called from our parents' house to see where I was because they were all beginning to wonder if I was going to make it. I tried to put on my best face, but was mostly somber and quiet. I really didn't feel like going, but knew Mom and Dad had been planning the dinner party for weeks. I didn't want them to feel disappointed. I kept telling everyone that I was just tired from working too many hours. My family is starting to worry about me, I think. Anyway, I just sat and listened as everyone else talked and joked back and forth. I wasn't in a very talkative mood, so I was fine just listening.

After a while, my sister started to get sleepy, and decided to head back into town to her home. So, then it was my parents and me. My mother and I act a lot alike, so she ended up feeling upset for me before the night was over. She and Dad started trying to talk me through everything that was bothering me because they just knew there was more than I was saying. I finally started talking about everything that was going on, and they knew a lot of it anyway. I don't know how it happened, but Mom and Dad ended up getting aggravated with each other in the process of trying to talk me through my troubles. They don't agree on much anyway, so it's hard telling. I finally just went outside in the blowing cold to have a cigarette. I've never had the nerve to smoke in front of my parents for some reason, even though they smoke and they know I do.

They have an old house on their property, which is where the dog goes in to get out of the weather. Smokey has always been my confidante when I have problems like this. We've had him so many years that he don't even seem like a dog to us anymore. So, I went to visit him for a while, and smoked with Smokey at his house. He was sleeping, but acted thrilled to see me when he woke up after hearing the straw crumple under my feet. I sat out there in the dark with him for quite a while. I was mad at myself because I now felt like Mom and Dad's disagreement was my fault even though they said it wasn't. I finally decided to go home, and so the night ended on a strange note with me going home to fall asleep on the couch in front of the TV.

[squirmy]

Aurelem, I hope things have been better for you these past few days. Hopefully all my silly stories and other antics in other threads have helped. :)

Tonight I found out that one of my cousins has cancer. Yes, it's that beast again rearing its ugly head into my family. Why can't it just leave us alone? When I heard the news, I was shocked. :eek: And then I got angry. :mad: And then I got angrier. :madder: And then I had to crash out on my bed, where I felt paralyzed. :0 I just wanted to cry. :cry: I lied there for a while, feeling angry, sad, helpless, and really wanting to give a good whack at a punching bag.

My mom told me that they caught it at its very beginning stages. My cousin will obviously have to go through the necessary treatments, but at least it was caught early. So right now that's the glimmer of hope that I'm grasping onto.

This is all very new to me, knowing people who are so close with this kind of illness. I'm just so glad that it was detected early enough in my cousin. I don't want to be beat down with this. I'm not going to let it get the best of me. One of the only things I can really do is ride on the hope that she's going to get better.

[dbaker]

squirmy, it seems that you and I have spent this evening feeling the same emotions. Tonight I found out that my uncle has cancer. It's somewhere in the mid-stage and they will begin treatment just before Christmas. My family is mostly taking it well, choosing not to discuss it and changing the subject. But I'm not taking it so well. I find it almost unbearably frustrating that this disease is hitting each member of my family one by one and there is nothing I can do about it. I feel so sad and so scared right now. It's my personality to want to be the hero and to fix whatever is hurting the person I love. Right now, I'm feeling really helpless. I just hope and pray that he and his doctors have what it takes to beat this thing.

I'm really sorry to hear about your cousin's diagnosis. I'll send some hope and prayers your way for your cousin and for you too. I have to think that in some way, all that wishing and hoping really does make a difference. That positive energy has to do some good, right?

[Aurelem]

Squirmy and Dbaker, sorry to hear about what you're going through facing the prospect of someone enduring illness yet again. I know it gets exhausting after a while to face such bleak, desolate times. I've found myself asking a lot more spiritual questions these days. It's always been a curiosity to me, but now I'm feeling truly lost in a way I haven't felt for years. I'll reserve a place in my thoughts and prayers for the both of you. Oh, and Squirmy, this may sound odd of me to say since I really don't know you, but you sound a lot like me. It sounds like a lot of the things you talk about are things I might say or do in my own world.

As for me, the last few days have been a bit of a roller coaster with different people I've come to know. I've got one real close friend who is undergoing some hard times, and she's pulling closer to me than ever before. The good thing is that I think I can be a source of comfort and strength for her, so I've been concentrating some of my efforts there. On the other hand, some people who I thought were friends have proven themselves not to be such good friends after all, and they've pretty much destroyed any shred of respect I ever had for them. I've already decided it is best to ride them off as a loss not worthy of my time when I have some true friends who need me right now. As for myself, I just don't know what to think or feel. I'm just kind of in a state of emotional numbness.

[squirmy]

Hey dbaker and Aurelem, thanks so much. :) You can bet that both of you are in my thoughts and prayers as well.

Dbaker, I really hope that your uncle is able to recover fully from this beast. Wow, how odd that we had virtually the same evening. But what you said is right on - staying on the bright side of all this mess has to have some kind of positive impact somewhere, somehow.

Aurelem, it's kind of weird that it's the difficult times that seem to either pull people together or apart. I'm glad you're able to be there for your friend despite feeling so emotionally numb. Hopefully she'll be able to make it through okay with your support.

God bless you both.

[Aurelem]

Thanks Squirmy. That means a lot, especially right now. It seems the holiday season of this year is becoming quite a bad time for several of my friends, as well as myself. One of my friends from work is also going through bad times now because his house burned the night before Thanksgiving. His family got out okay, but their home was gutted and they lost everything they owned. I still remember him calling me to ask me to cover for him because there was an emergency at his home. At that point, he didn't even know if his family was all right. You can imagine how shook up he was. He just had to get out of there, and I was certainly at a loss for words to comfort him except to reassure him that I'd take care of everything at work so he could go check on his family. Even though it was a bad situation for them, it helped to renew some of my faith in other people because everyone from work and quite a few from the rest of the community have pitched in to help them out. I was especially impressed that our new manager took time from her personal holiday plans to make arrangements for him to receive help since it was supposed to be her day off. I don't know if it works this way for anyone else, but staying busy, and especially helping others through their problems, seems to be the best way for me to cope with my own problems. I still have my own problems that I must face, but it's somehow comforting to know that I can still help someone else.

[dbaker]

Thanks to you both, squirmy and Aurelem. No one else wanted to listen when I was upset, but you guys came through for me. I really appreciate that.

Aurelem, I'm very sorry to hear about your friend's loss. Thank goodness he and his family are all right.

I think it is true that helping someone else is a great way to help yourself. Not only does it make you feel good to be helping someone in need, but it gives you something to do to take your mind off of yourself. A lot of times, all I need is that little diversion to feel better.

[squirmy]

"I think it is true that helping someone else is a great way to help yourself. Not only does it make you feel good to be helping someone in need, but it gives you something to do to take your mind off of yourself. "

Wow, that was so well put.

Hey Aurelem, glad to know that helping other people is helping you, too. :)

[Aurelem]

Has anyone ever heard that saying that death comes in threes? I've just found out there's some truth to it, after all. A friend of mine who is a bit superstitious mentioned it here a while back. I found myself thinking about this the other night, especially after I received the news that my uncle suddenly died following a heart attack. The sad irony is that he and my aunt were returning home from the regional VA hospital, where he's been undergoing treatment for other ailments he's been battling. They'd stopped at the Wal-Mart in the town where the VA hospital was located to do some shopping. He was in the hardware section of the store looking at tools when he just suddenly collapsed. It was certainly a shock to everyone who knew him. I mean, we all knew he had quite a few health problems, but he was a living example of someone who never let his problems keep him down. Even when he was down he always managed to find the strength to keep going and keep active. He was definitely one of the good ones, always doing his most to help someone else in need. That's just the type of person he was. Later on that night, I was getting ready for work when my dad stopped by to give me the news. I know I just literally found myself stupefied beyond all belief to have seen now three deaths amongst family and friends in as many months. It's just beyond comprehension. I just don't know what to think about it. All I could do was stand there in shock. I couldn't believe what he'd just told me. He and Dad were especially close, and I could see how hard Dad was taking it. Dad's one of those strong and silent types, so he doesn't easily show his emotions, but I could definitely see it whereas few others would. All he could say for a little while after that was that it seemed God was taking all the good ones right now. I was standing there at work this morning during one of the few quiet moments thinking about this very fact. It started out that I was just thinking about my uncle. It really started hitting me. Then, I got to thinking about my aunt and friend who'd also died in the last few months. All I could think to myself as I muddled through the rest of my shift at work was that I hope this is the last death I have to face for a long time. It's just incomprehensible beyond all belief to me right now to have lost three people who mean so much.