It's Lonely Being Me....

[ValentineGirl]

This is the stuff I'm currently dealing with:

All of my friends have boyfriends, fiances, friends with benefits, whatever you want to call it, ie they're all attached to a guy. And that's cool or whatever, but why is it that women must abandon their friends with they get a boyfriend? I've never had a boyfriend, so I'm always the single friend, so I've had to deal with being dumped for guys since the 7th grade. Also, why is it that the girl has to become a clone of the guy she is seeing? For example, one of my friends was seeing this guy for about a year and a half and he was the drinking and partying type, so she dranked and partied as well. Now she is seeing another guy and he sings in the church choir and is active in church, so now she is as well. Why can't people just coexist as themselves?

I just feel lonely because I'm almost 22 and I do want a boyfriend, but it just hasn't happened yet. In the meantime, I'd like my friends back. I don't want to go out and make new friends, I like the ones I have because they know me and they're used to me and vice versa.

Also, I feel like I'm a lot more immature than my friends. I still have N Sync posters on my wall and I went to see Scooby Doo over the summer and my friends are worried about what birth control methods to use and what to wear on their next date. Not that I don't have the same interests as the average 21 year old, but I am sort of a big kid sometime. But I think that is just my nature.
Sorry I wrote so much...any thoughts??

[TranquilSkye]

omg thats how i've been feeling since i was 18. now i'm usually the single friend, but even when i am seeing someone i always reserve time for my friends. one or 2 nights a week is friends only nights and i dont' talk about "him" every 5 minutes. college is supposed to be the best time of our lives and because people only want some sort of relationship and not friendships people like us are miserable. honestly i'm on the verge of being depressed behind the whole thing (perfect timing with my upcoming move). i don't even have the energy to meet new people anymore because i know i'll get blown off for some guy or girl. i'm not stupid enough to develop any unhealthy habits, but my hollywood video card is pretty worn on the edges. eventually that will get old though.


and i don't think you're immature you just appreciate simpler things. i still watch cartoons lol. and i still have fruit loops in bed sometimes. who cares? lol.

[pisces2473]

Ironically, I was IMing with a friend about what seems like my perpetual single status, when I looked on this board to see what was new.

I, too, have been single my whole life and all of my close friends are attached. One of my friends got married TODAY as a matter of fact, and the friend I was IMing with was giving me details about the wedding. Since I'm at grad school, I couldn't make it home for the ceremony. Other friends are pretty close to being engaged--they've been dating their BFs for years and years. I feel like I'm a shadow, just waiting in the wings. I've never been asked out, the only times I've been out with a guy was when it was set up. I don't know what's wrong with me, I keep telling myself it's not me, but then again you do wonder if it is really you. I haven't even been set up in almost 2 years. Everyone tells me that I'm a great person and that I shouldn't worry about it because my turn will come. But I'm just afraid because I have no experience in dating/relationships, so I woudn't be surprised if the guy ditched me soon after meeting. I don't want to be this pessimistic but I'm almost 23. Except here at QLC, I don't know anyone my age who is in a similar situation as I am. Well, I have acquaintainces, but they don't seem to care if they are dating or not. Me, I just think it's a natural part of life, and the fact that I am not dating bothers me. Growing up, I was always on the outside of things and now that I'm an adult it bothers me that I'm still not really on the inside of things.

As for the immaturity, I don't see myself as an immature person. I'm really not into cartoons and stuff, but I like to joke around (sometimes when it's really inappropriate, whoops!) and play pranks and stuff. Maybe that's considered immature, but most of the time, it's all done at the right time and right place! You know what? There are people who have their PhDs and study cartoons and pop singers, so I wouldn't worry about that stuff too much. As long as you can behave yourself, that's all you need to worry about.

Take care everyone...:neutral:

[ithaca]

Seeing as to how I'm the fourth person to reply to this post, it looks like you're not alone in feeling this way. I'm actually in the same situation. Most of my friends are currently in long-term relationships, and I got sort of phased out since they tend to hang out with their girlfriend's friends. And when they do get together, it almost always end up being a couples-only affair, and being the only single guy in the room is not that fun. Whatever... I don't really blame them. I'm thinking that I'll understand them better once I get a girlfriend... eventually... hopefully. The funny thing is that most of my friends' current long term relationship are actually their first girlfriend ever. And I'm guessing by the way it's going, that they'll marry whoever they are with right now. Aren't my friends the luckiest sonuvab$$$ in the world? They're getting everything that they had aimed for (including jobs) right out of college.

But as bitter as I sound (who says you can't be bitter at 23?), I actually don't feel that bad. I came to college with the full intent of pursuing my dream no matter what the cost, and I think I did just that (with very high cost). I'm definitely in the right path on what I had set out to do... but unfortunately, I'm not sure if my dream is still worth it. Oh well. I guess I wouldn't have known that if I hadn't put all my effort into trying to get it. Dangit... if only my dream was to become an assistant manager at a yogurt/ice cream store, then I would have already done it during high school :razz:

Pisces: I know what you mean about always feeling like you're outside looking in. I thought when I went to college that I will finally find a place where I would feel like I belong, but instead I just ended up realizing how isolated I was. It seems like everybody was able to find their niche but me. Oh well. I guess when the time comes and I find such a place, I'll appreciate it even more and won't take it for granted.

[Aurelem]

I've always felt like an outcast since I can remember. I never really fit in anywhere, so I easily came by the habit of being a loner. I get along with most people I meet, but never have any close friends to speak of with maybe one or two exceptions. I've dated off and on, but not much more than a few dates and it's over for whatever reason. I've only been in a couple short-lived relationships (only lasting a matter of months). By and large, I haven't dated much since I turned 16. I was never sure why, and it bothered me for a while.

However in the last few years, I haven't really worried much about it. I've just concentrated on the process of building a life for myself and trying to become the person I think I want to be. I've focused on being myself, and living up to my own expectations. It's actually gotten easier in some ways to accept that I am single and alone. That's not to say that it doesn't feel lonely sometimes. Sometimes, I want more than anything for someone special to be there with me to share my life. Other times, I almost seem to revel in the fact that I have as much time to myself as I want.

I've come to realize that it's important to take the time to get to know ourselves before we can ever hope to find what and who we want in life. A lot of it will come to us along the way, but we have to give ourselves time to discover ourselves before anything worthwile can happen. In time, I, too, want to find the right one for me to share my life. However, I've come to realize that I still have a lot of unanswered questions to consider because the choice of a significant other is quite a big decision to make. I'm still in the process of figuring out who I really am and what I really want in life.

I don't know if that helps anyone, but think about it.

[TranquilSkye]

no no no. i think we've got it all wrong. we should not be thinking that we'll understand the whole couple mentality when we get relationships of our own. we should be smacking the couples upside their heads! what is so damn important about a significant other that they feel the need to ignore the rest of the world? were these people not your friends who you would hang out with only months before? and why must they insist on taking their so everywhere? i'm telling ya us single people should be outraged. its absolutely ridiculous that people think that being half of a couple is everything. that's the problem right there. thinking that you're half of a couple. you should be a whole person before you get into a relationship. you should be able to do the things you did with as much enthusiasm before the so appeared. the only change there should be is that will be another person around to make you happy. as long as i'm able to make my own decisions i refuse to be half of anything.

[M4A1]

ValentineGirl,

Let's look at it from a different perspective. look at being single as the exact opposite of how you described your non-single friends. Instead of following some guy doing what he likes to do just so that you can be with him. You get to keep your sanity and get to do whatever you feel like doing.

You have the freedom to do all kinds of things. If it is your wish to be like your friends, who are worried over birth control methods and don't appear to have a mind of their own, you can do that too. That option is there.

But I seriously doubt that's what you like to do, from the way you described the whole situation, it doesn't sound like you terribly impressed with your friends' relationships.

So why rush into a relationship for the sake of just having one?

Be strong and keep your focus on the good things that you have going for ya.

[reva_544]

Well, I'm not going to sit here and type exactly how I feel about this thread, because it would pretty much be a little bit from every post out here! I just wanted to add myself to the list as well.

I totally agree with you Tranquil! I DO NOT understand why people have to be together ALL THE TIME! It's utterly ridiculous. Why should you have to exclude things from your life that you love; friends, activities, time alone; just because you're dating someone? I'm not a psychologist, or perfect myself, but I'm not sure it's the most healthy thing in the world either. It happens so often though, that the remaining few of us who choose not to revolve our lives around one other person feel like we're the ones who are unhealthy. Like I said, I'm not a psychologist, so maybe we are the unhealthy ones, but I personally don't think that's the case.

I understand what pisces is saying too. I don't really know anyone else in this predicament either, with the exception of these board. I wish we could all hang out together! :)

[lioness524]

Valentine, I was single for 21 years,so I know where you're coming from.I didn't date throughout most of my high school and early college years bc of extracurricular activities, working and homework. But then I found a really great person to be with when I was taking time off from school,and we've been together almost two years, and maybe will get married one day. But I always squeeze in time for friends and other things as well, and it helps that my boyfriend and I know a lot of the same people. So stick around, your time will come.
Hey don't feel bad about still having NSync posters and stuff on your walls....I'm 23 and still have old Duran Duran posters glued there!! And yes I did go see Scooby Doo and went to Harry Potter last weekend... so you're not the only one who still feels like a kid :)

[TranquilSkye]

well reva according to the psychology classes i have taken so far it isn't healthy. people need to be well rounded and that doesn't mean wrap yourself up in one person. but you are right, people like us are made to feel like we're unhealthy. and you know whats worse? the other day a friend (also single so i get to see him quite often) told me that the only reason i don't like couples is because i'm jealous that i'm not half of a couple. can you believe that? its like he hadn't heard a word i've been saying!

[pisces2473]

Ithaca and Reva--thanks for your comments and it's good to see we're all not alone. Reva, awhile back we had a road trip planned for all of us that wished we could get together and talk about our situations since we didnt know anyone else. It was ManicMonkie (who's been MIA lately), WeirdBrake and someother people...we'll pick you up!!!

I haven't said this before, but I too cannot STAND when my friends spend ALL their time with their SO's. My married friend is so much better about budgeting her time, even when she was just dating him, she was better than all my other attached friends. I don't get it why people think that the minute they get into a relationship, they need to ditch all their friends. One friend did that in HS and everyone stopped talking to her, and then the guy dumped her and then she had no friends and no guy. I felt kinda bad, but she was horrible to everyone else, so it's like she deserved it. I want to be in a relationship, but I now know from my "friends" how to really act.

TranquilSkye--just read your last message. A friend once told me that I had never been in a relationship so I wouldn't understand whatever was going on. I understand how you feel!

[Aurelem]

You know, I think I just realized something about myself in reading this thread. I never thought about it consciously, but it makes sense. I think a part of the reason why I never got too deeply into the dating/relationship game is that I didn't want to feel like I had to give up my own individual identity to be part of a couple. I have a very strong independent streak and love to have my freedom, just ask my parents or anyone else who's ever been in a position of authority over me. I'm not the least bit afraid to question authority as opposed to simply "obeying orders." That's not exactly the same thing as the couples' mentality because neither partner should dominate the other, but the reasoning still seems to apply, nonetheless. The point is that I want to be my own person and live by my own rules at all times. Give me that, and people might be surprised at how easily they can get along with me because I am a firm believer in the Golden Rule.

When I was in school, I never had one clique with which I exclusively hung. I had friends among the various social groups. I got along with some of the popular kids, some of the rejects, some of the druggies, some of the geeks, some of the self-proclaimed individualists or nonconformists, etc. I was just one of those people who seemed to blend into the crowd and make friends with most anyone who was willing to give me a chance. There were one or two enemies made, but they never seemed to loom over me for too long before they faded into the background.

In that sense, I didn't mind being looked upon as a bit of a loner, too. I felt that my options were more widely open when I didn't fall in too deeply with any particular crowd. Maybe for that reason, it does have something to do with me. I'm still not sure, but that doesn't matter anyway.

My problem lately is that I don't get out enough to meet people because of time constraints like work, and a lack of opportunities to get out and do things which is common in small towns where nothing much ever happens. To do anything fun, it seems you pretty much have to go out of town, which I don't always have time to do because I put in a lot of hours at work. There is a running joke that the only things to do around here are drinking and drugs. I only smoke and drink occasionally, and I have no interest in drugs because I've seen the problems of friends who got hooked, especially one who just got out of rehab a little over a week ago.

I'm still not ready to get into the dating/relationship thing so much. I think I'm just getting aggravated because there seems to be no way to keep a social life going around here because everyone else is bogged down trying to build a life, just like me. It's one of those cases of needs and necessities vs. wants and desires. Which do you sacrifice?

[Aurelem]

By the way, what's wrong with being a big kid, sometimes? :p Sometimes, I have more fun playing with the kids when I'm around my family and friends than I do sitting around talking with the adults. It's nothing to have two or three of the kids sitting on my lap or cuddle with me on the couch in front of the TV. Sure some kids are annoying little brats who need to have their butts swatted, but how can you not be in a good mood when they start in picking at you, then take off laughing and screaming in delight?

My parents always accuse me of having my head off in space somewhere because I'm a big sci-fi aficionado. I have all the Star Wars and Star Trek movies, and even some of the toys and collectibles cards. Heck, hanging on my bedroom closet door, I have a Homer Simpson poster showing him passed out drunk on the couch in his underwear, which says, "Beer. Now there's a temporary solution." Yes, I just have a very warped sense of humor, and I'm proud to be one of the eccentric ones who doesn't take life seriously when it's not required. I know how to be an adult when it's necessary.

Heck, most of the adults I know very well don't act much more like adults than I do. My parents quite often clown around and act goofy. My boss, for instance, is in her forties, and she proudly admits to watching South Park and listening to Eminem. In fact, she constantly says she's the female version of Eric Cartman. LOL!

So, there's nothing wrong with acting like a big kid as long as you know how to be an adult, too. Life's too short, and fun is hard enough to have in the face of our problems.

[red]

the problem you talk about is not just one for single ppl. i live with my bf, and i too have found some of my attached friends annoying. now just bcs i am in a relationship, it doesn't mean i am connected at the hip to my bf. we have our own interests. i do have those friends where it is like they CANNOT meet me for a drink without bringing their SO.
but then again, i am always meeting new people. i think that i have a lot in common with my current circle of friends. some friends of mine from HS, i don't see them anymore. and yes, this happened after i got together with my bf. but things between us had already soured. like, i am not going to sit in a bar and wait for them to be an hour late. or on my birthday the year before, i was supposed to have dinner with 4 friends- 3 showed up on time. we waited a half hour for the other. then we left and had a nice dinner. the latecomer showed up as we were getting the check. i just got sick of it. i have other friends, and i am always meeting new people. so there is no reason to waste time on people whose company i don't enjoy. i know this sounds harsh, and these were old friends, but i am not sorry at all that i stopped seeing them.
i think that there are a lot of complex reasons why friendships falter. but that is why you go out and meet new people. my circle of friends now, we have common interests. and i enjoy spending time with them.
and as for the maturity issue- yeah i am mature for my age. i still like to go out and have fun. but i also have a job. and that sometimes causes conflict with my friends who go to school- like i can't go out at 10 on a weeknight. and i can't call in sick to work so i can hang out late. it's just like not an option for me. i need to pay rent. so i think it runs the other way too- my friends sometimes give me a hard time about it. so i think it goes both ways.

[TranquilSkye]

"i know this sounds harsh, and these were old friends, but i am not sorry at all that i stopped seeing them."

red i don't think that sounds harsh at all. in fact i say that myself. now even when those half couple friends call me i'm like "sorry don't have time to talk." now that may be harsh. what if they really really need me? i can't help but think, well what about when i needed you?! anyways i digress.

you're right, meeting new people is important. but what do you do when every single new person you meet in half a couple? that's pretty much what my life has been like since college began. i think i've met maybe 3 single people that i had common interests with and only one of them became a friend. the others were too busy searching for the one. so here i am wallowing in my anti-social behavior lol.

[Aurelem]

Thanks WeirdBrake. What can I say? If it wasn't for being warped, I'd have no sense of humor at all. LOL!