capella
04-28-2005, 08:28 PM
Found this scanning the "best of" section and I laughed so hard tears came out of my eyes. This is the funniest cat rant I've ever read. If you have a cat you will totally relate. :lol:
Hey Cats:
I love you guys, but you’re making my life a living hell right now. I hope this is just a reaction to some natural disaster looming in the near future and not how you intend to live the rest of your lives. Because, if this is the way you intend to live your lives, they will be very short indeed!
White cat:
Shut the fuck up. Yes, I know you’re there. There is absolutely nothing wrong with my eyes. Have you ever noticed how I leave the house for around 9 hours each and every weekday? I have this job thing. This thing keeps you in food and toys and stuff. It also allows me to purchase the furniture you so readily destroy. If you keep raising hell at 5am, I will continue to be in a pissy mood and stand a good chance of being fired from my job. Result? No more stuff for you.
Black cat:
Ever heard of a courtesy flush. Well, that’s what we humans do when we let loose with a particularly rank dump. In case you haven’t noticed, you specialize in particularly rank dumps and I think a courtesy flush (or in your case a courtesy scratch) would be in order. And no, scratching the floor AROUND the litter box does not count. There is a reason for that litter. Think about it and use it.
Both cats:
Work with me here; stay out from under my feet. I can’t feed you if I’m unconscious on the floor.
Try lying on clothes that actually MATCH your fur color instead of contrasting colors.
Stay the fuck away from my food. I certainly don’t mess with yours.
Make sure that all wildlife brought into the house is actually dead. I’m getting tired of cleaning up after your slasher movies.
If you follow these few simple rules, you will live long and prosper and I will love you with all my heart!
Thanks,
Me
Hey Cats:
I love you guys, but you’re making my life a living hell right now. I hope this is just a reaction to some natural disaster looming in the near future and not how you intend to live the rest of your lives. Because, if this is the way you intend to live your lives, they will be very short indeed!
White cat:
Shut the fuck up. Yes, I know you’re there. There is absolutely nothing wrong with my eyes. Have you ever noticed how I leave the house for around 9 hours each and every weekday? I have this job thing. This thing keeps you in food and toys and stuff. It also allows me to purchase the furniture you so readily destroy. If you keep raising hell at 5am, I will continue to be in a pissy mood and stand a good chance of being fired from my job. Result? No more stuff for you.
Black cat:
Ever heard of a courtesy flush. Well, that’s what we humans do when we let loose with a particularly rank dump. In case you haven’t noticed, you specialize in particularly rank dumps and I think a courtesy flush (or in your case a courtesy scratch) would be in order. And no, scratching the floor AROUND the litter box does not count. There is a reason for that litter. Think about it and use it.
Both cats:
Work with me here; stay out from under my feet. I can’t feed you if I’m unconscious on the floor.
Try lying on clothes that actually MATCH your fur color instead of contrasting colors.
Stay the fuck away from my food. I certainly don’t mess with yours.
Make sure that all wildlife brought into the house is actually dead. I’m getting tired of cleaning up after your slasher movies.
If you follow these few simple rules, you will live long and prosper and I will love you with all my heart!
Thanks,
Me