My friends BF is a piece of trash

[jen428]

I don't know what to do! One of my best friends lives with her boyfriend. I have never really liked him but its her boyfriend so I tried to be nice. Well a few weeks ago we were at a bar and he got mad at her for something stupid like he always does. when the bar closed we were walking out and my friend was going to drive my car home for me. well her boyfriend starting yelling at her in the parking lot and told her to get in his car. she told him no (he was drunk like always) and she started walking away from his car. Well he slammed on his gas pedel and almost hit her with his car!! I could not believe it! well needless to say she didnt go home that night. and was understandably upset. but she has since forgiven him and everything is peachy keen with them. I feel like I got more upset about her almost getting hit than she is. (she jumped out of the way of the car). Then the other day we were going on a pub crawl and he was coming and she told me not to start anything because he was going whether i liked it or not... I have never said anything to him before yet he has called me pretty much every name in the book to my face. I know that one of these days i am going to lose it and just flip but i dont want to ruin my friendship all because me and her boyfriend hate eachother. I just know that she can do SO much better than this loser. Should I try to keep my mouth shut from now on and just sit back and watch her get shitted on or should i keep letting her know when he treats her like sh*t???? HELP!

[dreams82]

Hm... this sounds eerily familiar! I am also in a VERY similar situation with one of my best friends. Jen428, we should talk.

[shinyleaf]

She doesn't need you to tell her she's being treated like sh*t, she know it.

You won't be able to make her see the light, but you can take charge of how YOU're being treated in this whole triangle - He badmouths you right to your face and your friend doesn't flinch? You are fighting a useless battle trying to get your friend to see what an a-hole he is, and if she won't stand up for herself OR you, you don't need either of them. Seriously. It's not your job as a friend to stick with her to try and make her have a realistic perspective. She likely never will and you'll end up wondering why you wasted so much time on a friend who lets her bf treat you like crap.

[blueyes]

Ouch - I think we've all got one of these. Mine's not quite as nasty, but here's what I did:

My friend dated (for about a year) this super-loser. I mean, this guy is in the top-ten of super-losers. Then they broke up, she started dating a mutual friend, it went south, blah blah blah. During the 'going south' period, she tells me she still has feelings for super-loser, who has started slamming her about her prior sexual escapades (and she has many). At this point, I tell her flat out that she's better than that and she doesn't need to get trashed by an ex. An ex who she promptly gets back together with. I apologized for my prior trash talking about the super-loser, and we made nice again. However, since making nice, he has literally ripped her off the radar and monopolizes her time to the point where we no longer talk. No text messages. No calls. No emails. I tried to help her understand that you don't have to take crap from your SO, under any circumstances. It didn't work or she didn't listen or maybe she gets off on verbal abuse.

In summary: your friend probably isn't going to listen. Railing against the super-loser is more likely to get your phone number deleted from her phone rather than earn you the Friend of the Year award. Save your breath, but be there for her if she needs it.

[WeirdBrake]

I just know that she can do SO much better than this loser.

Apparently not, though. Sorry, I know this is going to sound very harsh and unsympathetic, but in a real way, we are who we hang with. If she opts to date an abuser (and let's not mince words; that's exactly who she's dating, and it's only a matter of time until she's donning dark sunglasses to hide the bruises), then that's the type of person she is. She seems to be tolerating it.

Now I'm going to say something even harsher: Ditch her before you end up the Ron Goldman to her Nicole. Even as a female friend, you don't want to be in this guy's neighborhood when he decides to go psycho.

[winneythepooh7]

I've been on both sides of the spectrum. I've not listened to friends and got shit on. I've got shit on by friends who haven't listened to me. I say back off from the both of them. Maybe the wake up call will come when she sees YOU are no longer in her life. That did it for me. 99.9% of cases most females tend to choose the scummy guy over their friends.

[shimmer728]

[QUOTE=J-girl]

Yes and what shimmer said. QUOTE]

I haven't responded to this yet, silly! :p

Anyway, the only thing you can do at this point is be there for your friend if/when she needs it. Yeah, you can see this dude is a loser, but she can't, or won't, or whatever. A good friend of mine just got married to this guy who, among other things, is a control freak. He won't let her go out to the neighborhood bar with me, won't let her associate with other guys, etc. I've told her I think that's dumb, and he needs to trust her, but she won't listen.

Talking to a girl who is in this type of situation is like talking to a brick wall, sadly.

[tina1979]

I agree with WB. I have been in the same situation before. My friend's bf abused her and she wouldn't do anything about it. I tried to help her,but after so long it started to affect me. As selfish as it sounds I had to sit her down and say " Look I have tried to help you out many times. You know I love you, but I can't deal with it anymore. Call me when you are truly ready to help yourself. I can't iget involved anymore." Then I sat at home hoping she wouldn't become another statistic. Now four almost five years later she is married to him, but he got some help and although things are kinda sketchy sometimes, he no longer physically abuses her and we are friends again.

[Ginlockey]

I agree with weirdbrake. You never know what could happen. I read an artiel about a woman who's best friend was in an abusive sito. She helped the friend out by letting her move into her home, but the husband ended up coming over--killing the best friend instead of the wife. That's not to frighten you, but to def. make you aware and you already said that he hates you...

[shinyleaf]

Yes and what shimmer said. You can be there for your friend but not at your expense. She will stop talking to you and she'll be stuck with that moron. Some day they will break off and she will realise she made a huge mistake.

:) Hee hee that was shiny, not shimmer. But we're both very sparkly!

[wordsmith]

One of my lifelong childhood friends married this guy. We no longer stay in touch. About one of the old group still kind of keeps tabs on her, but apparently three kids later, he's still doing stuff like throwing chairs through walls and spending all their money on weed and speed.

I feel sad when I think about mine and my former friend's history together, but really, she made her choice, nobody could talk her out of it, and I couldn't be the friend who sits by and watches stuff like that unfold. To the best of my knowledge, nothing has acted as the wakeup call yet.

[zippy]

These situtions ALWAYS ALWAYS break my heart when I hear about them! I had a friend who grew up in a fabulous family sitution with a very docile father figure yet she was always drawn to control freaks, who didn't like her associating with anyone BUT them...It was a hurtful situation for me to sit by and watch but my friend knew the situation was bad but she felt the need to "assert her independance" and move across the country with the boyfriend and drop out of college to do so...Consequently he was abusive and the redneck started hitting her to a point where she would Flee from their shared living space and hide out in the 45 year old maintanence mans apartment until said boyfriend calmed down...somehow while hiding she ended up sleeping with the 45 year old and getting pregnant the first or second time and then married this guy who ALSO was abusive and controling and FAR to old since she was only 21...

Now with a 2.5 year old she has come to her senses and left the husband and took her child and now is getting her life together. I have stood by her through it all and we would have "secret phone" calls etc since her bf and husband wouldnt let her talk to me...she recognizes her mistakes and I have stood by her and I knew that she knew her situation was unhealthy but their was nothing we could do since we lived across the country. You just stand by your friend and be supportive(but dont become a target for the bf) but keep in mind that she will not leave this guy easily...