Hey mom and dad....I'm PREGNANT!!!

[wendyPeppercorn]

:eek:

So I am wondering if anyone else has been in this situation of having an unexpected pregnancy. I'm not a kid, although at 27 at definitely still feel like one, I have a full time job and support myself for the most part...sometimes the parents will chip in if I have a crisis.....so I am not sure why I am having severe anxiety about telling them this news.

I am living with my boyfriend, have been for almost 2 years, we have talked about getting married, he's a good guy and the parents like him. He is completely supportive about the idea of having a baby even if it wasn't in the overall plan at the moment....

...this is where I become freaked out, the whole 'plan' thing. I like life to be wrapped up neatly and tied with a bow....I know this isn't realistic, but for whatever reason it is how I think. I always thought that I would do the college, engaged, married, baby thing in that order. Not gonna happen. We're going to get married, definitely, but we've decided to wait until after the baby is born.....maybe a year after....we plan to get engaged and set a date soon though. Is that selfish?? The main reason for wanting to wait is because unless we get married in a month I will be close to 6 months pregnant while going down the aisle, plus I have a high risk pregnancy and we don't want the added stress.

Does anyon ehave any thoughts on this?? I'm mostly venting/rambling....but what do y'all think about breaking the news to the fam and what about waiting a year to get married?? It's what we want to do...but everyone else I have ever known in this situation has run off and gotten married ASAP. Is waiting a bad thing?? Thoughts, advice, ideas?? Thanks.

[Deadend]

Is it really important to you to be married by the time you have your baby? Are there family pressures?

If you think it's just fine to wait, then there isn't a huge problem right? I suppose you just have to get organized and get everything in the planning stages, but it certainly doesn't sound like an unwanted pregnancy so by the tone of your post it sounds like there are some congradulations in order. So Congradulations.

[kitalyn414]

wow wendy... that is huge news. welcome and CONGRATULATIONS!

do you have any reason to believe that your parents won't be supportive? how do they feel about you guys living together? are they religious/old fashioned?

as far as your time frame... who the hell cares what everyone else does? it sounds like that you both know that waiting is in the best interest of you and the baby (which is now your #1 priority). if you explain that to your parents, i'm sure they will see your perspective. after all, you are THEIR baby and they probably don't want to see any harm come to you.



btw - were you using birth control? if so, which kind? just curious!

[shinyleaf]

I think most of us (women, anyway) would be lying if we said we didn't think about how it would be to have to tell our families that we were pregnant unexpectedly. I don't know what your family's stance is in terms of traditions or religion or anything, but my family is pretty liberal and understanding and it would still stress me to no end to break the news to them. Like you, I feel like I've failed when my life doesn't map out exactly like I planned.

Just in case noone has said this yet - Congratulations! (hee hee I typed this before I saw the other replies)

I know plenty of couples who have gotten pregnant unexpectedly and waited for up to 5 years even to get married. It all works out, and even the most staunch traditionalists end up thinking that the ceremony is touching, especially if the child is involved in it.

How far along are you?

[paiger81]

OK, first off, kudos to you for handling this unexpected event in an adult manner.

Now, I think your making the decision to wait until after the baby is born to get married is a rational one. My cousin dated a fellow for 2 years, got pregnant, had the baby, then married the fellow when the baby was a little over 1. It was adorable because the priest included the baby in the ceremony.

For the most part everyone was completely happy for my cousin and didn't much care about which order things were done in. I do know that some of the more older fashioned members of the family were a bit pissed off about them not being married first, so you will have to take those with a grain of salt. You can't please everyone. I think waiting is better than getting married right away. If you get married now, people may think y'all just got married because you were having a baby.

[shinyleaf]

btw - were you using birth control? if so, which kind? just curious!


LOL Kita, I'm not surprised at your question!

[heatherf]

Hmmmm....see I've found that since becomming pregnant it's just much more important that my guy is in fact my husband. But that's just the way we are.

wendy- why not get married if the two of you were planning on doing it anyways? Weddings really do NOT take 2 years to plan.

When is you due date? You won't be noticable til you are about 16-20 weeks along, so it gives you time.

Welcome to another new mommy to be! :D

[midtwenty]

Do not - I repeat - DO NOT get married now just because you are pregnant. I think that waiting until you are both ready is one of the best things you can do for your child. As long as you are both there in supportive and loving roles, it won't make a bit of difference in your child's emotional development if you wait a year or so to get married.

As far as the unplanned thing, hey, you're not 17 - you're 27. Maybe it's not the best-case scenario, but you're a grown woman and hopefully your folks can understand that. You're in a much better position to handle this than a lot of people who have unplanned pregnancies, judging from the few details in your opening post. Here's a crazy little thing about life: it doesn't happen according to plan. No matter how much we wish that it would. I'm very much a planner myself, and my best-laid arrangements get shot in the ass more often than not. It's just sort a truth of life. Some things work out, others don't. You can't sweat it - all you can do is your best to handle what comes up.

I think you'll be fine. Don't stress about telling your parents. Since you're a planner, it might help you a lot to sit down and write out what you'd like to say first. Maybe even rehearse it a few times. That should help.

Good luck. OH, and if you need any pregnancy support, myself and a couple other gals on the board are expecting too, and I'm sure we'd all be glad to help out. :green:

[tartytwenty]

With all the stresses of having a baby... getting married can wait. I recently watched one of my friends push her wedding into fast mode because of their unplanned pregnancy. She was soo stressed and stretched thin. She also didn't have time to really enjoy her wedding and plan it well.

Now, my other mommy friend, who is due in July... they are waiting. They wanted to have a special wedding and not rush it. It's also because they wanted to concentrate on the baby and money for the baby. She hasn't been as stressed out. Yes, there is family that will make comments & try and push you into it... just let it all out. You'll get support from friends. I know that my mommy friend is getting hell from her mom for not being married, but she has us to support her and she's happy.

Plus, if her mom gets too overbearing, she just reminds her that she married due to pregnancy and divorced 2 years later (her mom did that) So it's not always the solution.

[shimmer728]

I don't have any firsthand experience with this kind of situation, but I do agree that you shouldn't get married just because you're pregnant. Get married because you both want to. Otherwise, you're setting yourself up for failure.

Good luck!

[pisces2473]

Welcome to the boards! I say do what you want, when you want...and for GOOD reasons. Your baby is your first priority, like everyone has said, so just take care of yourself and your little one, and let everything else fall into place.

AND CONGRATS!!!!!

[cornflakegirl]

congrats peppercorn!!

i don't see anything wrong with making the baby & your health your priority now. you can always have a wedding later when things are settled down, less stressful & there isn't another major thing, like a baby, to put your money towards.

[wendyPeppercorn]

Thank you all so much for the encouraging words!!

I think in the back of mind I am just worried about being judged or something. My boyfriend is very easygoing and most things just roll off of his back, but I always seem too worried about what other people are going to think about me!!!

One of the reasons that I am anxious about telling the parents is because I'm an only child....so I'm afraid that they'll be horribly disappointed in me. I think my mother will take it better than my step-dad, who isn't particularly religous...but pretty overprotective (even at my age!!) and very set in his ways. Once he forms his opinion there is no reasoning with him and he pretty much still looks at me like I am a child. :frustrate

I don't think that they will be happy about our decision to wait to get married. I'm actually afraid that they'll be embarassed (I grew up and they still live in a small town where everyone knows your business).I'm worried that they will pressure us into making a decision to just go ahead and do it. Again, it goes back to 'What will everyone think!!'.

I'm 10 weeks right now, so almost through with the 1st trimester.

To the person that asked about birth control....we used it sporadically at best...which is why we are in this situation!! I couldn't be on the pill because of medical issues and to be honest we weren't too diligant with the bc because of the medical probs....really never thought getting pregnant would be easy for me or even possible because of my probs. Kind of nice to know that isn't true!!

Thanks for the support and kind words!

[winneythepooh7]

I agree with those who said wait until you are ready and screw everyone else. What is dumb to me is that people get married when they find out they are pregnant so "people won't talk" but people are talking anyways cuz they know the couple is getting married cuz she is pregnant!!!

[Taza Tikha]

It sounds to me like you *want* to get married now, but don't want the stress of planning a wedding quickly or walking down the aisle when you're showing. Would it be possible to visit the courthouse now and then plan a smashing wedding a year or so later? If you think that's cheesy (to have a wedding after you've been married for awhile) you could have a kickass one-year anniversary party.

[paiger81]

Would it be possible to visit the courthouse now and then plan a smashing wedding a year or so later?

Just my opinion, but I don't like that idea, I had another cousin who did this, and we all pretty much felt as though she was just trying to get gifts from us.

[Taza Tikha]

Just my opinion, but I don't like that idea, I had another cousin who did this, and we all pretty much felt as though she was just trying to get gifts from us.

Yeah, that's why I added it might be cheesy.
I've never been married or pregnant, but my sister had an unplanned baby right out of college. My parents are by no means liberal enough to be like peace, love, and Mickey Mouse, but after the initial shock they were really excited to be grandparents for the first time. So if they got over it, I bet your parents will be a breeze. Good luck.

[tina1979]

I was scared to death about telling my parents I was pregnant. I take that back....I was nervous about telling my mom, I was terrified of telling my Dad. He took it alot better than I had ever expected, although in he prety much declared that baby's daddy should've stepped up and be a man and marry me although I was emphatic about the fact that it was not what I wanted. What was more disappointing to him was the fact that only a few weeks after I announced my unplanned pregnancy, my little sister did too. I was 20, she was 18. Both pregnant and unwed. My sister got married before her son was born, I chose to wait until our daughter was about 7 months old. You just have to do what you feel most comfortable with. Do the right thing for you and your SO and your baby. It might not meet others standards and it might not be the right thing for someone else, but you have to do what works best for you.
Good Luck! Congrats! and Welcome to the boards! PM me if you want to. I'm always around to listen.

[butterfly7824]

Just my opinion, but I don't like that idea, I had another cousin who did this, and we all pretty much felt as though she was just trying to get gifts from us.
Huh? I don't get that. I don't think that's cheesy. If you want to get married but don't have the time or money, then get married at the justice of the peace and throw a reception later. I think people will understand. As for getting married, I agree with everyone else don't get married unless YOU want to, people are going to talk no matter what..who cares you can't please everybody. I think you're parents but might be will take the news well.
Congrats!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

[k.monster]

Congrats on the baby and welcome to the boards! Everyone is really cool here - you can pretty much kiss your free time good-bye though, they are it's quite the addiction!!

[pisces2473]

Just my opinion, but I don't like that idea, I had another cousin who did this, and we all pretty much felt as though she was just trying to get gifts from us.
But you don't HAVE to give gifts...

[shinyleaf]

I like the throw-the-reception later idea too. A lot less stressful for the bride & groom to not go through the most impacting ceremony of thier lives and throw the biggest party of their lives in the same day. A lot of people who have destination weddings have a party when they get back. I do think it's a bit cheesy for the bride to wear her wedding dress again at the after-party, though.
But I think wedding gifts are still appropriate - if you were going to get them a present if they had a "regular" wedding, what's the difference?

[pisces2473]

The only thing I don't like with that is that I'm good enough to come to your party and bring a gift, but I'm not good enough to join in on your special day??? That's why I want a small wedding, with people who are meaningful to me and Chris.

[shinyleaf]

my perspective on the etiquette of weddings changed a lot when I started to plan my own. I vow to never be offended if I'm not invited to someone's wedding, or to only part of their wedding, & to never comment negatively about the choice of meal, decor or dress, or about their choices of attendants (except for that runaway bride with 14, LOL!). There are a lot of unseen pressures, coming from all sides. Even for independent brides & grooms. It's a great theory to say "oh, well we're going to do it exactly how WE want", but unless you are estranged from each of your families and have one friend each, I say impossible.
I don't give a flying fuck if any of my guests buy us gifts, just as long as noone COMPLAINS! That's what would make my day perfect.

[coll214]

First off Congratulations and Welcome!!

I agree w/ the majority here, do what YOU want and to hell w/ what everyone else thinks. Any couples I know that only married b/c of the kids before they were born haven't ended well and the ones who waited have fared better. In this day and age there's only one reason to get married- because you want to spend the rest of your life w/ that person, and it shouldn't matter when the ceremony is. That being said, i've more or less been told that if I get PG while not married- my father fully expects there to be a wedding. i hope that doesn't happen, but he's in for a rude awakening... won't happen.

[paiger81]

The only thing I don't like with that is that I'm good enough to come to your party and bring a gift, but I'm not good enough to join in on your special day???

That was my point with thinking that a reception with no wedding is tacky. Even if you get married at the JP, you can still have ppl in attendance & a reception afterwards.

Can I also point out that having a wedding at 12:30pm on a Thursday afternoon is not a smart idea. My uncle is currently pissed off that I will not be attending his stepsons wedding because I have to work and won't take off that day. He is 8 hours away, it's not happening!

[ayjay53]

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was 20 (and not married) when I saw those two pink lines on the EPT, and I told each of my parents separately but similarly. I said, "Mom, you're going to be a grandmother." What mom can resist that?

Please wait until your baby is born before deciding on marriage. I waited and I am SO happy I didn't rush into anything. (We are not together now.) My best friend got steamrolled into a shotgun wedding and now she is stuck as a stay at home mom in the middle of nowhere with her idiot husband who works like seven days a week. Weddings are fun and you should be able to wear a gorgeous form-fitting gown and drink your weight in champagne; not stand behind your flowers for all the photos.

Hope everything works out great. You will learn who your real friends are because of this.