Failure at 23

[Morgan]

It is just days away from my 23 birthday and right now I am packing everything to move back into parents' house. I tried to stay up in the picturesque college community, but even with my degree, excellent cover letters, resume, and job searching skills... I couldn't find anything for the 4 months that I have been searching.

I had basically my last interview up here today. It was for an admin job and this business womam was interviewing clients for another company. She thought I had great relation skills, strong command of the english language which made me a delight to talk to, and a strong character. The problem was that the business wanted someone with "grit" who could handle the harsh work environment (stringent employers who swear as much as they bark excellent results). She thought I had too much of a gentle spirit about me. If she was hiring or there was ANY other client seeking admin assist, I would have gotten a job on the spot.

Well this town is beautiful, nestled in the mountains and by the bay. It has been voted one of best places to live in country. There are tons of things to do both in active and intellect aspects of life. The town I am about to move back to is a hateful small town that looks awful and has nothing there. Not only will I have to live under parent's roof, but I also identify as transgendered. That means I dont feel like my gender meets my sex. ^^ I actually look like the shy bookworm girl that I am at heart. My parent's are very advent against that.

So here I am, days from age 23
---closest thing I had to a relationship was someone pretending to be nice to me just to have chance to "be cruel to someone" I never even kissed anyone
....... supposedly I am really interesting, nice, not even bad looking but I dont care for clubbing, drinking, partying, and especially playing games (pretend you dont like the person so they feel neglected thus making them like you more)
---moving back home with parents with no money to my name
---almost friendless since I have become very withdrawn

I was trying very hard to get a job... I was so low on money I only ate twice a week... Shouldn't things work out after going through so much?

I want to pursue grad school for japanese history or teach japanese in high schools. I want to teach overseas, but now I am back to being very depressed.

Tried hanging myself last week and almost succeeded. I think I might try again. I applied to be a library admin in the hometown. It has amazing pay and something I would enjoy.. but of course I won't get because I am not meant to live.

[pisces2473]

Morgan, please talk to someone about this or PLEASE get yourself to your doctor or to the hospital. You need to be helped...suicide is NOT the answer. You HAVE the right to live and you deserve to be happy. This is not something to take lightly. Please take care of yourself.

[bridgetjones]

You are not thinking rationally. Get some help!

I can understand the job search related depression thing. I have been through it and it can wear you down! Four months is not that long. It took me 8 months to get a job last time. My first job out of university took like 8 months to get too! I had people ignore me during those times. It sucks. Hang in there! Hey focus on the good feedback. Somebody will bite. So what? I live with my parents. Yeah it sucks too. Cannot say much about your other issues.

It is not hopeless unless you deem it to be so.

[spokes]

you are basically only five years into your adult life - it is way too early to judge yourself and your life.

i would also urge you to discuss this with a professional

[ankh_23]

Morgan,
You sound like a really amazing person, there are many people could probably greatly benefit from knowing someone like you. Suicide is NOT the answer, please seek professional help. If you ever need to talk feel free to talk to me, but please don't hurt yourself.

[shimmer728]

Ditto on what the others said. Suicide is never the answer.

There are so many posters on this site who are in the same boat as you (no relationship, no money, living at home.) You're definitely not alone. Please talk to someone who can help you.

[WeirdBrake]

Not only will I have to live under parent's roof, but I also identify as transgendered. That means I dont feel like my gender meets my sex. ^^ I actually look like the shy bookworm girl that I am at heart. My parent's are very advent against that.

Do a search on "transgendered" or "gender identity disorder." There are lots of support groups for the types of issues you're dealing with, which are acknowledged to be hugely stressful (including the issue of your parents not understanding). You'd probably benefit from getting info and talking to others in your situation.

[Empressallie]

oh it hurts to hear you talk like this! You are a great person with a strong spirit. Depression gets all of us down sometimes...you are not alone in that. Please see/talk to a counselor. THere is hope!

[paiger81]

I'm currently dealing with my brother's thoughts of suicide, and I am BEGGING you not to do it!! It is not the answer. Also, living with your parents is NOT something to be ashamed of!! Definietely look into GLBT Associations in your area, you are NOT alone, and you seem to be a genuine and nice person. As for the job search, I believe the general turnaround time for recent college grads is 6 months-so don't give up hope.

[biodork]

Please get some help. I understand it's the hardest thing to do, as I've recently had to do the same, but it isn't normal to feel like that. No one was meant to feel depressed or that they don't deserve to live.

Feel free to PM me if you need to talk more.

[tina1979]

I agree with what everyone has said so far. Find support groups and get help. Please don't do anything to hurt yourself.

[Morgan]

Well there is tons of glbt support in this very liberal town. Most people are very accepting. There is nothing in that small town. There are just people who are like eww gay people. It is hard to find peer group to spend time with, especially transgendered people my age. I tried ending my life when I lived there because it was such a soul sucking place. If you turn on the news in this state, whenever they mention that place, it is usually because of the meth problem. I would rather die here then live there. I escaped there and now I am being sucked right back in due to job market. I tried hanging myself (with a guide that shows best way) two weeks ago. after I wore myself out from standing on tips of toes, i hung, I was clawing the walls for air, feel unconsciousness slip up on me. Somehow I broke free then, so this time I am binding my hands. If I was this age ten years ago, people would be lined up around the block to hire me. My last employer exemplified how she wished she was the one who needed the assistant, that I had all the skills that an employer wanted and to find someone who had eliquent speaking skills as myself is very rare today.

I can't just take a job to survive like at a sub shop... I need to save up for grad school and teaching overseas. I want to start my life!!! Everyone else is starting. Maybe something is very wrong with me for not wanting to 'club and party" because many employers are hiring such people.

I have saved many lives, helped animals (even took care of for two weeks and taught a bird with a broken wing to fly again), and am accepting of everyone. Well looks like this world doesnt want that. I know I am bitter now. I escaped small town mindset places and can't go back. When growing up in texas, I was encircled and have rocks thrown at me when they found out that I didn't attend church. -_- wonderful 6 grade memory.

I am sorry, death beats going back to such environment. I can be buried here, maybe have an epitaph with my female name. I have no friends, support, or anything back at parent's house. My only real expense are food, rent (345), fin aid debt (pay 50-100 per month), and saving some money for grad school to take gre test, getting stuff to teach oversease, etc. So if I had a full time 8 buck an hour job, I can easily live off that. Quiznos wnated to hire me for like low part time and wanted me for prime hours. All I wanted was a job at a bookstore or some entry level office job, even data entry clerk.

Before anyone says so, taking one of those 20 hour/very min wage week jobs and always hoping for more hours or trying to find something else is very impractical when you have to sign up for a 6 month lease AND deal with all these expenses and need to save for grad school etc... is not possible.

Since friday night is when everyone has fun and enjoys life, I am ending it all tonight. Bday is almost here, cant live till then. I dont even have to money to renew my id.

[Morgan]

Sigh, I have no control over anything in life except for how to end it all. I did everything right to job search, worked really hard in my classes, and was caring to everyone. Life proved it doesnt want me around. Nearly drowned and covered in fire ants when I was very young, Then I felt very depressed my entire life and like I never belonged (I read college level at age 10, but I didn't even connect with the cliche 'nerd' crowd because zany humor and stuff like star wars is cliche and a bore to me.. i actually enjoy studying existential authors and ancient history cultures, experimenting with writing styles, and exploring life). Then I was finally going to accept me and the transgendered feelings that I felt extremely ashamed of growing up. I never had an interest in being intimate (even at biological level), competition, or *gasp* I have no affinity for frued's tower. I just felt broken for that and always picturing myself as that shy quiet bookworm of a girl. At least this method is much more fatal than any bullet.

[paiger81]

Have you told your parents any of this? I understand not wanting to go back to your hometown(mentally picturing my hometown), but if they see how detrimental moving back is, perhaps you could move in with family members or someone else in a more liberal town?

[tina1979]

I agree with Paige. There has to be another way. Please talk to your parents or a counselor.

[paiger81]

Completely agree with J-girls original post.

[internut33]

Sound like an interesting person to me. Dont judge or end your life on a job or where you may live. Too many options to get these two worked out.

[shinyleaf]

MOrgan, Please listen to the people here who have been in the pits of despair like you before. There is a place for you - the real you - in this world! There ARE people who are going to appreciate you and love you, and you have to give yourself a chance to meet them.
You need help now, beyond the limitations of this messageboard. I'm not sure where you are geographically, otherwise I'd do this for you, but find a toll-free crisis line asap. From your posts, it's apparent that you are in a mental health crisis right now. If you are not eating on a regular basis, first thing's first. Take care of your basic needs so things can become more clear and rational.
We know it seems like things are completely hopeless, but have faith that you are more resilient than you know.

[Morgan]

Phone numbers do not help, counselors cost money and i tried that no help there, prepping to hang, no motivation anymore, thank you job market economy

[shinyleaf]

no motivation? What's your motivation for being on this message board right now?

[WeirdBrake]

Morgan, please listen. I'm one of the moderators for this message board, but I also have personal experience with suicidal depression, as I came close to suicide several times as a teenager. Please call a crisis center. If you don't have the number for a crisis center or suicide hotline, call 911 or the emergency number and tell them you are feeling suicidal. Whatever you do, do not kill yourself. You have friends and supporters on this message board, but this site is unequipped to handle someone who is suicidally depressed.

Please seek some help immediately.

[paiger81]

Ok, yes jobs are important, but they are SO not worth killing yourself over!!! Although I do find it intriguing that both you and my brother focus on the lack of a job as a main reason for suicide.

Sweetie, please try to talk to someone, ANY mental health professional.

I'm still not sure if you have talked to your parents about this???

[bridgetjones]

Please go get help. Otherwise why are you telling us if you do not want help? Sounds like a cry for help to me.

Why not one of those transgendered support groups? I suppose they'd understand what you are going through wtr to your identity issues. Perhaps make some new friends that you can relate to. That has got to be quite hard for you.

Do not give up on job hunting. I know firsthand how demoralizing it is! What you are going through is normal. Hell I have went thru depression about job hunting and getting laid off! That is a damn rough thing by its lonesome. I suppose it is a socially acceptable thing to be openly depressed about because of how very important it is to have a job in this society. Frig, it is practically the second q after what is your name in a conversation.... Grrr...

Besides you can take a pt job, keep looking, keep busy and keep you mind on more positive things. Maybe tutor freelance to supplement your income. You can make good money doing that. You are not seeing the positive. Which is the depression talking.

[gfunkffa]

Please, don't kill yourself, i lost friends through suicide, i almost killed myself a couple of times.

The world needs you, you're young, just like me. when you're young, you go through some depressing time. I still go through depressing times, times when i'm confused, lonely, times when sometimes i think it's not worth it.

No matter how life gets, don't kill yourself. Talk to yourfriends, talk to a suicide hotline, do what ever, but don't kill yourself.

Have hope for the future, because there is.

From a person who believes in the power of the human spirit

[ghostboy]

Anyone hear from Morgan lately?

I'm only a lurker on these boards but he seems like a really good person and I'd hate to think that he did anything to himself.

Morgan, if you're reading this... please post something? We're concerned. :(