Trying to get out!

[nosebleed]

I'm not quite sure where to start here, but lately, I've been trying to move out of my parents' house... but it has not been easy at all. I know some of you don't mind living with your parents because they are probably for the most part stable people... but that's not the case with mine.

I graduated high school in the summer of 2003, and I attended Old Dominion University (in Norfolk, VA, where I live) in the fall of 2003. I was supposed to get financial aid, but the problem is my dad hasn't filed his taxes in the past eight years (he's probably lying about that, it might be even longer), and for financial aid, you need tax information from your parents. By the time I found out I couldn't qualify, I was already owing the tuition to the college, and I had to drop out. Even while I was in school, my parents were always viciously fighting, and I could never concentrate on my schoolwork because I was worried if my parents were going to be ok. My mom tried to commit suicide at one point and wound up in a mental hospital for about a week.

Since I had to leave, I was finding ways to get back into school, but for the time being I got some jobs so I could at least make my own money. The hardest part with me is that I don't have my own car. I don't even have a license yet, but even if I did I wouldn't be able to afford a car. My dad started chargin me rent because I was over 18, and his job was going slowly. This past winter he went for almost a month without working. Bills have been piling up heavily and we nearly got evicted because we were way overdue on the rent. I'm sick of coming home wondering what utility is cut off, or whatever bad news is coming. It's affecting me emotionally and physically... I'm anxious, worried, and scared all the time, and I can't concentrate on work and other things I used to enjoy. But on top of that, he is horrible at managing money. He spends it on drugs, and tries to hide it from me, but I know what's going on... I just don't mention it because I'm afraid of the consequences. Also, he is constantly borrowing money in addition to charging rent... money he has never paid back. That's money I could have used to pay off bills I need, or perhaps learn to drive and get a car. I know my credit can't be too bad because I just recently got approved for a credit card. LOL

I've been determined to move out and make myself better, because clearly I can't depend on him... but it's not easy. I only make $600/month at my current job, and that certainly won't cover living on my own around here. Even if I room with someone and get an apartment, I'd be cutting it close. Plus, alot of apartments around here have income requirements for tenants.
My brother wants me to move to Tennessee with him, but I'd have to get a job and pay rent there too, which I'd do anyways, but it's hard to get a job where he lives (Clarksville) because there isn't much out there. I could work at a Lowe's or something if I had to though. I don't want to burden him though... Plus, I've never been that far away from Virginia, but it's my only ticket out and I should take it... I feel so helpless though. I just want to become independent and able to take care of myself and have more freedom, and not worry about whether I'm going to have a place to live, take a hot shower, and have something to eat. I'm 20 years old and I'm not going anywhere but down it seems.

Sorry for the long post, but I needed to vent somewhere... This seems like an interesting and unique community, and thanks for letting me speak here. :-)

[J-girl]

Wow sorry to hear about that. You are dfinately in a rough situation. Why dont you try looking for a better job for a start? Focus your time and thought on that. Once you get a better job you move out and then start applying to jobs in other cities or whatever.

[stuckinseattle]

Yeah, I agree. I would find a better paying job and then figure out everything else from there.. It requires patience but it'll pay off.

Don't be too down on yourself.
Things are only gonna get better.

[nosebleed]

Thank you both for your replies... I suppose I should start looking around for better work, but I'm not quite sure where to start. I have my resume on monster, but I haven't had much luck. One of the things I do really well is web design (I even have my personal website (http://nosebleed.info), although I've been too busy lately to maintain it), but there isn't much demand in this area for web design/programming... and anything that does come up in this area is something like $7/hour (which is better than what I make now, but I should be paid more, really). Plus, another problem is transportation... like I said, I don't have a car, and my parents work too much to be able to give me a ride, so my other option would be to take the bus (the bus stystem is awful around here though). But still, I'll look around and see what my options are.

[J-girl]

Thank you both for your replies... I suppose I should start looking around for better work, but I'm not quite sure where to start. I have my resume on monster, but I haven't had much luck. One of the things I do really well is web design (I even have my personal website (http://nosebleed.info), although I've been too busy lately to maintain it), but there isn't much demand in this area for web design/programming... and anything that does come up in this area is something like $7/hour (which is better than what I make now, but I should be paid more, really). Plus, another problem is transportation... like I said, I don't have a car, and my parents work too much to be able to give me a ride, so my other option would be to take the bus (the bus stystem is awful around here though). But still, I'll look around and see what my options are.
Hey you gotta do what you gotta do even if that means taking the bus. You have to real agressive with job hunt. You have to call people and tell them you are available.

[Dreamchasa]

I defnitely feel your pain. I"m stuck in Petersburg, VA so I know how the job situation is where you are. My cousin wants me to come up to charlottesville and live with him but i've been like i dont want to be a burden b/c he's like i'll look out for you till you get on your feet. I'm tired of living with my grandma though I love her dearly I just can't take it anymore. I too have my resume on monster but nothing has come from it.

I think you should take your brother up on his offer (i'm about to with my cousin.) They say if one routine hasn't been working its best to shake it up and try something different. At this point what would you have to lose?

Clearly it sounds like if u stay with your dad you might come home and not be able to even get in. I think leaving is best. Just look at the money you've given him as the cost of getting out of there. You'll never have to worry about him coming to look for you once u leave b/c he knows he owes u money. You won't have to lend any more money. At 600 a month you might as well leave b/c that's just never going to get u out of the house.

Take a risk and go to tenn.!!!!

[lilyflower]

Aww, I'm sorry to hear that your parents suck so much. I have to agree with try to find a better paying job thing, also consider on taking on a second job part-time if you have to. (Yes, it sucks royally but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.)

[nosebleed]

Yeah, I think I might just head to Tenn. with my bro. I spoke about it with my parents and they seem very understanding, although it broke my mom's heart a bit because I'm the last of her kids to leave the house. I love my parents, but I wish they could manage things better. When I go to Tenn. I will have to pay rent too, but I can manage it.

Thanks for all the support and advice guys :) I'll get through this.

[Dreamchasa]

This just goes to show me how much people think our generation is so unconcerned about not growing up when it seems more and more like the past generations have made it all but impossible to become self-sustaining adults.

Best of luck bleed!

[asm198]

You can make it. For two years, I was making $600 a month. Granted, my mom "paid" my rent, but it can be done on that small amount of cash. If my circumstances were different, I could have taken a roommate and lived on that amount of cash.

I can understand about the car thing. I didn't get my license until I was 17 and "lost" it when I was 18. Didn't drive again until I was 22. I was terrified of driving, but I got over it. Get a used car for cheap and learn how to drive with that car. Don't concern yourself with what the car looks like, just get something fairly reliable and cheap. Once you've run it almost into the ground, get something new. You'll be a decent driver by then and getting a car loan won't be difficult. I learned how to drive on an '88 Town Car. The boat, I called it. That thing was 18 feet long and insane with trying to park. But with that and the numerous other vehicles I drove before I got my license, I can drive about anything. But get something you won't be concerned about banging up. I rolled the first car I had with my license. Stupidity was all that was, but I learned my lesson.

Go to Tennessee and make a new start for yourself. You won't regret it.

[nosebleed]

Hi. Thanks again for the replies and well wishes.

I've been speaking with my sister-in-law, and she says I must have a license and be able to drive before I go to Tennessee. Which would mean taking (and paying for) a driving class.

Also, she made me call the collection agency that's handing my college debt. I'll have to get a loan to pay it back (and I might be able to get a loan to continue to go to college) from something like teri.org or Sallie Mae. She's pressuring the hell out of me to get it done right away because they could report it to the credit bureau soon, and that would make things much more difficult, but I need to do more research on it first. Looking at the way the loans work it seems like they don't at all work out for me, but I should probably talk to a loan officer first. I don't really know anything about how loans work... and these in particular require 2 years of consistent employment, US Citizenship, and 2 years satisfactory credit (absolutely ridiculous). I might not be able to qualify for that last point. If I don't, then I'd have to get a cosigner. If I can't get a loan, I'd have to pay back with the agency, but they'd charge me ridiculous interest rates (like 30%).

This is all confusing and overwhelming me to think about doing everything, and it's like so much is coming at me at once, and I have this huge boulder over my head. I just don't think I can get it done, and I'll end up doing nothing, then I'm afraid I'd let my brother down if I don't :-/

[asm198]

Hi. Thanks again for the replies and well wishes.

I've been speaking with my sister-in-law, and she says I must have a license and be able to drive before I go to Tennessee. Which would mean taking (and paying for) a driving class.

Also, she made me call the collection agency that's handing my college debt. I'll have to get a loan to pay it back (and I might be able to get a loan to continue to go to college) from something like teri.org or Sallie Mae. She's pressuring the hell out of me to get it done right away because they could report it to the credit bureau soon, and that would make things much more difficult, but I need to do more research on it first. Looking at the way the loans work it seems like they don't at all work out for me, but I should probably talk to a loan officer first. I don't really know anything about how loans work... and these in particular require 2 years of consistent employment, US Citizenship, and 2 years satisfactory credit (absolutely ridiculous). I might not be able to qualify for that last point. If I don't, then I'd have to get a cosigner. If I can't get a loan, I'd have to pay back with the agency, but they'd charge me ridiculous interest rates (like 30%).

This is all confusing and overwhelming me to think about doing everything, and it's like so much is coming at me at once, and I have this huge boulder over my head. I just don't think I can get it done, and I'll end up doing nothing, then I'm afraid I'd let my brother down if I don't :-/

I don't know your exact situation with the loans, but I'll tell you what I know. Are they past due? If you haven't paid on them or stopped paying on them, don't start now. From what I've heard from various people who are working to take care of their debt, stopping payments for a period of time shows that you had some sort of difficulty during that time and that's why you couldn't pay, not because you didn't want to pay.

Check out a credit counselling service and see if they can help you work out a payment plan with your creditors. You can also call the people where you got the loan and try to work out something with them directly.

As for the car thing, is there a reason why you would need to take a class? Is it required by your state or do you just feel that you need to? I only know one person who ever took a driving class and that didn't stop the rest of us from getting our licenses. I say buy a cheap car or ask a friend if they will teach you to drive on their car. Go out into a large parking lot when it's empty and start driving. Once you're comfortable there, drive on residential roads and work your way up to major streets and highways. Make sure you have your permit first. Here, to get a permit, you just have to take the written test. It costs half the price of a license and you can drive with a licensed driver after that.

Do you have any money saved? If so, you can buy a car for cheap. Check the classified ads for people selling their car, rather than taking it to a dealership. My first car cost $25. My second was $250. Both were bought from the owners and both were the cars I learned to drive on before I got my license or permit.

If you don't have any money saved, concentrate on getting your license and move to Tennessee. Get a job and take the bus for a bit while you save up some money and then buy a car.

I know it's overwhelming, but you're looking at all of it at once and that's what makes it overwhelming. Break everything down into small steps and concentrate on one step at a time. It won't be so overwhelming that way and you will be less likely to give up because things won't seem so unsurmountable.

[nosebleed]

I don't know your exact situation with the loans, but I'll tell you what I know. Are they past due? If you haven't paid on them or stopped paying on them, don't start now. From what I've heard from various people who are working to take care of their debt, stopping payments for a period of time shows that you had some sort of difficulty during that time and that's why you couldn't pay, not because you didn't want to pay.

They are past due, they've been taken to a collection agency. I've already contacted them and told them I want to work something out. The agent (I guess that's what you call the guy at a debt collection agency) suggested I try to get a loan to cover it.

Check out a credit counselling service and see if they can help you work out a payment plan with your creditors. You can also call the people where you got the loan and try to work out something with them directly.

I don't have to repay a loan, I have to pay the tuition. I never recieved a loan for college. I tried to contact the school directly but they sent me to the collection agency.

As for the car thing, is there a reason why you would need to take a class? Is it required by your state or do you just feel that you need to?

It is not required, I just need to. I only have two months before I get to Tennessee and I need to have a license by then. And I've had very little experience.

I only know one person who ever took a driving class and that didn't stop the rest of us from getting our licenses. I say buy a cheap car or ask a friend if they will teach you to drive on their car. Go out into a large parking lot when it's empty and start driving. Once you're comfortable there, drive on residential roads and work your way up to major streets and highways. Make sure you have your permit first. Here, to get a permit, you just have to take the written test. It costs half the price of a license and you can drive with a licensed driver after that.

I might do this, but taking the class will be faster... especially since I have such a limited time to learn.

If you don't have any money saved, concentrate on getting your license and move to Tennessee. Get a job and take the bus for a bit while you save up some money and then buy a car.

The plan is, once I get to Tennessee I'll be able to get a car (I'm trying to save money). My sister-in-law said she'd help me.

I know it's overwhelming, but you're looking at all of it at once and that's what makes it overwhelming. Break everything down into small steps and concentrate on one step at a time. It won't be so overwhelming that way and you will be less likely to give up because things won't seem so unsurmountable.

This is the hardest thing for me to do, especially when everyone wants me to do things at the same time. I'm just absolutely stressed out and anxious, and I just want to be able to enjoy life like everyone else around me does. But instead, I feel like I'm struggling and taking huge risks that won't really ever bring about anything, and my sister-in-law is pressuring me to do things I don't feel I'm ready for. She wants me to go back to college this fall, but she doesn't realize it's not feasible... and another thing is moving so far away from people I've known my whole life, and friends I've known since high school...

Well, I suppose the first thing I'll do tomorrow or Thursday is call the loan companies and ask questions and apply.

[asm198]

Ok, that clears up a question I had about how you owed money without a loan. If it's been sent to a collection agency and they have suggested you take out a loan and that will be hard or impossible for you to do, they aren't really working with you. Call someplace like Consumer Credit Counselling Service and see if they can work with you and the collection agency to work out a payment plan.

Two months is plenty of time to learn how to drive. I know it would be easier to take a class, but if you don't have the money for it, don't get yourself stressed about it. There are other ways to get your license.

I did some digging based on your location and this is what I found. Class requirements: The program must present 36 classroom periods. It must include components about alcohol safety, drug abuse awareness, aggressive driving, distracted driving, motorcycle awareness and organ and tissue donation awareness. It must also include 14 in-car instruction periods, 7 periods of driving and 7 periods of observation.

And here is some other info I found. If you are a Virginia resident, 19 years of age or older, you must hold a Virginia learner's permit for at least 30 days or show completion of a state-approved driver education program.

I'm sure you probably already know this stuff, but I wanted to let you know what I found. I got all that from http://www.dmv.state.va.us/index.asp

I hope my rambling is helping a little bit.

[nosebleed]

Ok, that clears up a question I had about how you owed money without a loan. If it's been sent to a collection agency and they have suggested you take out a loan and that will be hard or impossible for you to do, they aren't really working with you.

Call someplace like Consumer Credit Counselling Service and see if they can work with you and the collection agency to work out a payment plan.

I don't know about that. My sister-in-law is really good with money (She does finances for the company I work for)... so anything she says I usually take to heart. The good thing about doing the loan is I can get it to pay for my past due debt, and my future school needs. I could apply online, but I'd rather do it over the phone so I can ask questions. I don't know if going to a counseling service is a good idea... I'll talk to her about it, but it's likely she'll decide against it. Also, I haven't even filed a FAFSA yet... I wasn't even planning on going back to college. She's just drawing me into this... like, if I don't try to go back to college, I can't go live with them.




Two months is plenty of time to learn how to drive. I know it would be easier to take a class, but if you don't have the money for it, don't get yourself stressed about it. There are other ways to get your license.

And here is some other info I found. If you are a Virginia resident, 19 years of age or older, you must hold a Virginia learner's permit for at least 30 days or show completion of a state-approved driver education program.

I've had my permit for years. It's not getting the license that's a problem, I just don't have any experience.

[asm198]

I was under the impression that you would have problems with getting a loan, but if that's not the case, maybe you could do that. The only thing I can think of that might be a problem with getting a loan is a higher interest rate and the fact you would have to start paying on it right away. Explore all your options.

I do have to say that if you don't want to go back to college right now, don't let her pressure you into it. You don't want to go from one not so good situation to another.

One thing, if you've had your permit for years, why don't you have any driving experience? Is the problem just not having a car to practice with?

[nosebleed]

I was under the impression that you would have problems with getting a loan, but if that's not the case, maybe you could do that. The only thing I can think of that might be a problem with getting a loan is a higher interest rate and the fact you would have to start paying on it right away. Explore all your options.

Right. There's going to be something or someone that can help me with this. I hope.


I do have to say that if you don't want to go back to college right now, don't let her pressure you into it. You don't want to go from one not so good situation to another.

I'd be fine if I started Spring 2006 or Fall 2006, but she wants me to start Fall this year, which is like a month after I get there. Which also means not only would I have to get a loan, but I'd have to apply ASAP. and many of the deadlines for fall 2005 have already passed.

One thing, if you've had your permit for years, why don't you have any driving experience? Is the problem just not having a car to practice with?

Well... that and I never really had time to practice, and no one would take me. I'm not one to dwell on past mistakes though.

[nosebleed]

Hi. Just a little update... I'm feeling a little better now... I'm going to practice driving with a friend this weekend. Also, I applied for a loan at Sallie Mae to pay the college debt, but my credit isn't sufficient enough, and I need a cosigner :-/... I might just try to settle with the agency, since I don't think I can find a cosigner. I'm sure there are other options out there of what I can do, such as TERI (http://teri.org) (I can't get to the website right now, it seems). I'm going to really try to start (or continue) college in Spring 2006... I've also decided against going to Tennessee, since I won't be able to get in-state tuition rates unless I'm a resident there for at least a year...

Anyway, just wanted to post this update. Thanks for reading/replying :-)