In Love, but confused

[Anonymous]

Among the hundred zillion other issues in my life i would like to discuss on this web site, this one is very close to my heart.

I am 21 and have been going out with someone for just over two years. I am deeply in love with her, we have lots of fun, everything seems to be goign right, but then, just as the she will start a topic and make it an issue. Sometimes just something small, sometimes big...

I have talked to her alot about this, but she seems to think that she is doing nothing wrong. I feel that she is nagging and it is almost like she wants to start a fight.

I keep quiet at first, but then she keeps going, nagging away, then i get angry and we have a fight... The worst of it is, she does it when i feel the closest to her and am totally in love with her, when i am emtionally vunerable. Sometimes we end up being unsure of the relationship, espcially me.

I don't know what to do... we have been through alot together, and she has been there for me and i love her with all my heart. I can not live without her... but how can i live with the constantcy of these sort of events.

What can i do ??

PLEASE HELP, any advice will do...

[Anonymous]

Not knowing you and your girlfriend I can only speculate as to what is going on. Your girlfriend may have a fear of committment. You might want to find out if she's always been the one to dump past boyfriends. It sounds like every time you get close she gets freaked out and starts to sabotage the relationship. Usually when girls do this, they are not aware that they are doing it.
I don't have any advice on what to do about it, but it's something to think about.

[Anonymous]

i'm in love and confused, too. i've only been dating this guy a couple months. but he's so absolutely sweet and smart and wonderful, i've never wanted to spend this much time with someone before. I think he feels the same way, at least I know he likes spending a lot of time together. But we never talk about how we feel. I know guys aren't especially emotionally verbal about these sorts of things, but I'm bad at bringing it up and I'm scared that if I do it will scare him away. I just want to know where I stand and where he sees this going. I wish I could just enjoy it, and I do, but as a woman I need to know how he feels and what he considers us - just a fun fling? potential for the future?
I hate it, I feel so jaded and cynical from past relationship disasters. I was once in a situation just like this, and after 3 months, the guy called up and said "I'm thinking we should just be friends." Out of the blue! I just hate to think that someone I'm physically intimate with could dump me out of the blue, or only consider me a friend.
Should I say something? Or not appear to eager and just let it remain a mystery?

[crazy-girl]

I have been in your position before. I have been in some very bad relationships in the past so I really don't like to waste my time---but two years ago I got into a great relationship with a great guy and I started to freak out right away. I wanted to have the whole big "define this relationship" talk after a few months but I held on and remained patient and I'm very happy I did. Two years later we let things progress naturally and we're doing fine.

Try to think a little more like this guy is just a friend. You wouldn't have a "define this" talk with a new girl friend from work---would you? It's hard to think that someone you love might not love you the same way and it's hard to think that maybe one day you'll wake up and they won't want to be with you. Just take it slow. Wait until you've been together a little longer and then just say you want the relationship to be exclusive and leave it at that for a while. You don't want to scare him if you start talking about marriage too soon. Just take it easy, even sexually---it sounds like maybe you've jumped into that and then get even MORE hurt when they leave. If he stays and is patient with you---it's meant to be and if he leaves----well, consider it a blessing that you didn't waste more time with someone who just wasn't right for you.

[Anonymous]

As soon as I started reading your post, I automatically assumed it was a female writing it. When I read the line I'm deeply in love with... I somehow expected it to be
"him". I guess it just shows my prejudice belief that girls fall harder for guys and are more able to express their love to others.
Anyway, speaking from personal experience, I think there is something going on with your girlfriend that she is not telling you about.
(I don't necessarily mean cheating). I think that there must be something about your relationship that is bothering her and she's expressing that in other ways ie. over reacting to issues, nagging etc. She is trying to tell you something without saying it (probably not the best way to go about it). She could also be experiencing unhappiness in her personal life that is making her act out in these ways. In terms of finding out what this may be, I can't tell you how to go about it because I don't know either of you. But, maybe you need to temporarily change the way you talk to her or bring up issues until you find out the real problem. Try to talk to her in a way that doesn't seem like you're being defensive or blaming.
This sort of problem can often result from the littlest thing you're unhappy about in a relationship and is often the most difficult problem to figure out. Of course, this is all just speculation.
Good Luck

[bd8313]

ive been in this exact situation.. as the girl. when i get naggy/bring little things up all the time, i do it because i dont feel im being heard. its my way of somewhat trying to get him to want to talk to me and help fix the problem. maybe next time she does it, just listen to her and ask her why she feels the way she does and what would help the situation. don't just get mad and think she's trying to pick a fight again. that just becomes a cycle.

[Starsailor]

There could be several reasons for it. Maybe, as other people have said, she is trying to keep you at a distance (perhaps not realizing, or unable to stop herself, that it might make you leave all together); maybe she's someone who "nit picks" and everything simply does have to be an issue; maybe the moments when she acts that way coincide with other things in her life - stress at work, family issues, etc; or maybe she just likes drama and therefore enjoys picking fights. None are really more desirous possibilities than others, but at least some you can work on, or try to, by talking to her.

You mentioned you already have and she denies any wrong-doing. I have a friend like this and so can only imagine how much more difficult and aggrivating it is in a romantic relationship. You really need to talk to her about it again. Fully explain to her how much it bothers you, how much it belittles you or makes you feel like you're always doing something wrong (if that's the case, of course). Perhaps she has a legitimate reason for being the way she is - perhaps, and this of course take lots of reflection for you, something you're doing is wrong to her, things that she genuinely feels are worth comment/criticism/fighting over. You're never going to know either way, and perhaps be able to come to a compromise, if you can't discuss it with her. And if you can't discuss it with her, I'm sorry to say, you probably need to end it with her. It's obviously really upsetting to you and there's not even the possibility of change without the first step of communication. No matter how much we love someone, sometimes we just have to accept that they aren't the person for us in the end and it's unhealthy, for both of you, to stay in the relationship.

I've been there, for sort of the same reasons, so I definitely understand. I should mention, with my last boyfriend, for the last year or so of our relationship, I was probably like your girlfriend to him. He felt I was nagging, and I basically was, but I felt I had legitimate reasons for always being on his back. By this point in our relationship, he was distant, we rarely really talked anymore, when I talked he was unattentive, we weren't affectionate with each other anymore and definitely a lot less sexual...we were basically just two acquaintances living together in the end. And my "nagging" stemmed from that feeling of isolation, loneliness, wanting to work on our relationship, etc. He felt I was constantly pointing out how bad a boyfriend he was and that he was giving me everything he could already. He was working a lot and when he came home basically spent all of his time in front of the computer until bed, saying that's what he needed to wind down. I of course wanted some attention, to feel like a girlfriend. Anyway, the point is, we both felt strongly that our point of views were correct, and while we could to a degree empathize with each other's and deeply loved each other, at the end of the day it just wasn't enough. We were in different places and barely in a relationship. Compromise didn't seem possible.