In Love, but confused

[mundyman]

just watch out, while she may mean well, it sounds like shes abit immature. rush into marriage and it could turn out to a big mistake...
just wait and enjoy each others company and if it progresses into marriage, great, but just remember your only 21.

[Katy]

As a girl in a 2 year relationship, I can understand what your girlfriend needs. My boyfriend and I have similar problems. I know that I like to start "drama" with him when I feel as if I don't get enough attention. I don't think that she is scared of commitment, but I think that she is scared that you will start to take her for granted.

I know that this what I feel with my boyfriend. I am scared that every day that passes that he spends less and less time with me that it is indicative of our future together. I know that this may frustrate you because you love her, but maybe she is crying out for some reassurance from you. I suggest you stop by the florist and pick up a dozen flowers for her and take her out for a romantic dinner tonight. Suprise her and tell her that there is no one else you want to be with. All she needs is a little reassurance!!!

[Anonymous]

The above responder is right on target. I also worry that my boyfriend will start to take me for granted. Another question--Does your girlfriend have her own friends? I don't. I work at a job with a bunch of young kids that I can't stand and when I have an off day I hang out with a bunch of other couples that my boyfriend was friends with before he met me. It's horrible sometimes when I realize that if we break up---there goes my ENTIRE social life. My job is not one that I can join a bunch of activities since I work evenings. I feel stuck. One weekend that my boyfriend was out of town--no one called me and I had none of their phone numbers because they were HIS friends. It was very lonely and I freaked out big time once he came home.

With women, marriage is an assurance that we will never be left alone. A boyfriend could leave at any time without much of a problem but a husband would need a lawyer and an expensive legal process to cut ties.

Perhaps she's worried about being left alone. Start out slow. My boyfriend would plan Saturday afternoon guy's days and all of the wives and girlfriends would plan stuff. Then we started doing it on our own. Once she realizes how fun it is to be with the girls---you might want to encourage her to take a yoga class or join a women's group in town. Once she starts making friends of her own outside of the relationship she will be less dependant on you to be the source of her life and happiness.

[Anonymous]

-- I have post this topic in the Play section, but will post it here, as i don't know exactly where it goes --

Among the hundred zillion other issues in my life i would like to discuss on this web site, this one is very close to my heart.

I am 21 and have been going out with someone for just over two years. I am deeply in love with her, we have lots of fun, everything seems to be goign right, but then, just as the she will start a topic and make it an issue. Sometimes just something small, sometimes big...

I have talked to her alot about this, but she seems to think that she is doing nothing wrong. I feel that she is nagging and it is almost like she wants to start a fight.

I keep quiet at first, but then she keeps going, nagging away, then i get angry and we have a fight... The worst of it is, she does it when i feel the closest to her and am totally in love with her, when i am emtionally vunerable. Sometimes we end up being unsure of the relationship, espcially me.

I don't know what to do... we have been through alot together, and she has been there for me and i love her with all my heart. I can not live without her... but how can i live with the constantcy of these sort of events.

What can i do ??

PLEASE HELP, any advice will do...

[Anonymous]

I'm a girl so I'll give you some insight because I tend to do the same thing with my boyfriend. Chances are the fights are not what you think they are about. For example, I burst into tears once because my boyfriend said he didn't want a pet dog. In my head I thought--he doesn't want a dog---he doesn't want to marry me. You see, all of my married friends started living together, bought a pet together and then got engaged. I thought in my irrational way, that he was trying to make a clean-break.

Next time she tries to start a fight---ask "What are you REALLY mad about" and then just let her talk.

Have you had the marriage talk with her? Maybe she wants to know what your plans are if you haven't.

Do you mention marriage? Maybe she's scared of making that big of a committment.

Also, she's in the crisis age bracket so perhaps she's just freaking out about everything.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for your response.
You are right, the fights are not about the actual issues that we fight about. But thats the point... if these were issues that were serious, then they could be sorted out one way or the other.

She wants me to prove to her that i love her all the time. If we go out, but not alone for even a day, she claims we are not spending enough time together.

We have talked about marriage. I have told her i want to marry her, but not just yet - we are just 21 and have not finished tertiary studies yet. She knows that we can't get married now, yet insists that the only way to really prove that i love her is marriage.

But these issues are so petty and naggy.

I guess i really also need to know that i am going to be trurly happy with her, without getting into some petty fight everytime.

Out friends say that we are the most volatile couple they have ever seen. I guess that is good as well, as vlotility shows passion. But i do not want to feel bad at the end of each that as i seem to these days (after enjoying myself before that).