my situation

[LEM15]

Ok so, I was supposed to finish my Masters degree in May, but that didnt happen. First, I failed my language competency exam that everyone promised me was really easy. Why you have to know a foreign language to get a masters in U.S. history is beyond me, but anyway, I now have to take Italian this summer. Then, my thesis advisors decided that my thesis was not up to par, so I am rewriting it this summer as well. Then, worst of all, my boyfriend of four and a half years breaks up with me. The original plan was to start working on my PHD in the fall, but now I am having serious second thoughts about that for several reasons. For starters, this whole thesis writing thing is killing me, which makes me not too excited about doing a dissertation. Second, I think that one of the reasons that I decided to stay here for my PHD in the first place was to be close to the now ex boyfriend, which is no longer a reason to stay. I feel like if I'm going to be single I should be off doing really cool things that you can only do when you're 24 and single. The problem is, that I've been so down about everything that nothing sounds "really cool" to me right now. I also have no money to travel, and am afraid that I won't really be able to enjoy myself anyway b/c I'll be stressing about what I'm really going to do with my life careerwise in the longterm. Honestly, I really cant see myself ever having a "normal" job, but I have to do something to pay the bills. I want to be a writer, but honestly, I've never really written anything other than papers for school. This is the first time I have ever posted on a forum, and I'm afraid it's a terribly long first post, but it is good to vent to people who havent heard this all before.

[LEM15]

Another thing that has sucked about these last two years...I have really struggled to meet people since starting grad school. I always had plenty of friends in college and high school, but it just doesnt seem as easy now. I really do not know how people make friends beyond college. A lot of my friends who have moved to new cities have felt the same way also, so I know a lot of people in their mid 20s, and I wish that we could all meet eachother and hangout.

[24forever]

Wow, maybe you should take a break from school for a bit. It's not worth getting your PhD if there's something you'd rather be doing.

It is really hard to make friends in a new place after college. The people I hang out with are either friends from college, my bf's friends, and one person I met through a friend from HS. I've tried to help organize meetups in Boston on craigslist, but the girl running it kind of flaked. If you know one other person in your area you might want to set up a meet up together at a coffeehouse or bookstore or something.

[Patchwork]

Hello,

I really feel for you. The importance of your personal attachment and the effect it's having on your own life is not good for you, but I am sympathetic.

First, though, I have to take issue with the idea that you don't have to know a foreign language to take a graduate degree in American history. Why? The following four questions should indicate some valid rationales:

1) What was Alexis deTocqueville's first language?
2) Who are typically credited as the first successful European colonists in North America?
3) What languages were spoken in North America prior to the arrival of any European colonists?
4) What languages other than English were spoken (in significant numbers) by immigrants to the U.S.?

I believe in comprehensives and exams generally. Properly written and applied, they can be a good indication of merit. However, comprehensives and language exams as they now stand are one of the great bastions of the academic enforcement of unfairness. Why?

1) There is little if any standardization even between different exams prepared by the same department.
2) There is often no independent oversight or evaluation on what constitutes a "fair exam."
3) Some exams are repeated by some departments from year to year.
4) Some students are given exemptions from these on the basis of "merit" - yet if these students are truly meritorious, shouldn't they be able to pass easily?
5) Sometimes exams are not written by the professor from whom the student took the related course(s).
6) "Department shenanigans" left unchecked can compromise a student's ability to take an exam. If a student is denied a required course for two years, that student will necessarily be at a disadvantage when competing with students whose qualifying preparation is more recent.

Solution? There probably ought to be some kind of standardization of qualifying exams at the national level, so that some of the crap that goes on in grad departments is not allowed to destroy good, capable people or promote the ethically (and/or intellectually) challenged.

On making friends in grad school - I haven't known a lot of people who did make friends in graduate school. Grad school is too taken up with politics and unhealthy competitiveness (as opposed to healthy competition) to promote a truly collegial atmosphere in which the exchange of ideas and promotion of innovation flourish. Lots of people are in love with the idea of graduate school. The reality is not much like the idea. You might try reading "Getting What You Came For" which discusses the nature of graduate school.

A number of people I knew in graduate school had unofficial policies of seeking friends and colleagues outside their departments. This might work for you - give it a try. If it really works well, you might even be able to work with "outside colleagues" on research projects that benefit you both. To be honest though, I've done graduate-level studies in three areas and been in two graduate programs (one M.S. and one "coursework completed" M.S.) and I really didn't make many lasting friends in any of these. My friends are mostly a few people I knew in high school and some of my neighbors. Supposedly after you pass 35 or so you really don't have new friends.

Well, I hope you've gotten some reassurance out of this. Graduate school is usually not a pleasant or friendly place to be. Sometimes it is not even civilized. This is not your fault, that's just the way it is, and that's a real shame. There are some things that you can do to counter this if you want to continue there:

1) Develop a life outside the department (not necessarily a "social life," but a forum in which you can develop/use your budding knowledge and skills in conjunction with other people and activities - hopefully in as risk-free a way as possible).
2) Determination and resolve can be helpful in dealing with difficult periods, as long as you understand that they will not of themselves enable you to succeed.
3) Recognize real problems when they appear. This includes bad people.
4) Think about and develop some alternatives in as positive a way as possible. This takes a lot of work and means having people to go to and places to go in case your graduate program does not turn out. (How do other graduate programs in the same area compare? What work opportunities exist for people with U.S. history degrees outside academia? - (historical societies, museums, writing, journalism, government) What skills can you develop that will benefit both your studies and your career if you don't pursue teaching as a career?)
5) Develop the abilities and force of will necessary to frame alternatives.
6) Know your student rights! (I can't believe how badly my rights - and university regulations - were violated by my last department). Just because it's forbidden by the rules doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

Well, that's all for now. Here's hoping you do well and succeed.

[ankh_23]

In my experience doing something/staying somewhere for someone else is a mistake. Do what you think is right for YOU. Living your life based on what others think you should be doing or what they want may lead you to regret things and be bitter.
Meeting people to be friends with can be very hard. There are plenty of threads that talk about this. Hope things start looking up for you soon, remember you are not alone.