Bit of Clarity -- Does this explain my feelings?

[RayJ1977]

I just thought of something from another topic on another board. A guy was talking about how his girlfriend communicated with her ex.

My gf was close with her last ex. I always thought it odd and didn't like it. I thought it was inappropriate that he would ask her to have dinner or drinks with him, knowing she had a bf. I would not do that. Have any of you dealt with this and how?

Well, for me, there was nothing I could do.

He and she dated in High School and remained friends. Everything was "Rick this...rick that...Rick's so great, we need to find him a girlfriend." The whole time I'm like, F Rick. Plus he's a student, but he can't drive because he has this problem of drinking too much and beating people up and getting three DUI's. She even met him for drinks after work one night (She drove because he can't have a car, but she called and was like, "We're playing pool...I'll be home in 30 minutes....now we're paying our tab.....be home in ten...." and she was--I don't think she was screwing the guy or anything...but I still didn't want him around.)

I finally ask her not to see the guy and she shows me a text message where he wants to go see a movie and she texts him back and said "Things are complicated right now and I think it's best if I don't see you." Fine. I'd rather she flat out ignore him though. She did NOT see him the last three months of our relationship, and she didn't talk about him either.

One time she gets mad at me for paying more attention to fixing the grill (she wanted us to cookout) than listening to her babble about something not important. She's like, "I'm leaving." Anyway...we get in some fight and I tell her I don't understand why she gets so mad at me and takes such offense over that, but she readily forgives this deadbeat who is clearly unstable all of the time. She gets even more upset, tells me I'm not being fair, that I'm being cruel and that it hurts that I'm making her stay away from one of her best friends....blah, blah, blah.

I think THIS is why I'm so upset with her for ignoring me now. She's a forgiving type. She will forgive this asshole anything. She insists he would never get drunk and be violent toward her, but nonetheless, I don't see how someone like that doesn't jeopardize those around him. I think that behavior is inexcusable in my friends...I'd dump someone like that like a bad habit. I KNOW she's probably gone to see him since we broke up, too. I'd even bet he's prompted her to shut off communication with me too. It hurts to think this scum would be so easily forgiven of ANYTHING, and she will hate me forever for wanting space for myself and being overbearing in an effort to apologize to her. I don't get that and THAT is what hurts and what is so perplexing.

How do I move past that, though? It's frustrating is all. I see her and she's a good girl, but to think she is anywhere near that piece of crap and to think she now hates me hurts a lot. It makes me question people and things a lot.

[J-girl]

Good riddance!!!! It's okay to talk about it, I personally dont care BUT forget you are ever going to get back with her for your own good!

She is into the drunk loser types not normal people. You are just missing being in a relationship right now as opposed to being in a relationship WITH her!

[paiger81]

Sweetie,At one point or another, all of us have had regrets and sadness about the end of a relationship. That's normal! You don't have to explain ANYTHING to us. Your relationship ended, it sucks, but it happens.

We have all expressed sadness for you, but it reaches a point where repetitively posting new topics about your ex gets old. I don't care WHY y'all broke up, the issue is that you need to understand she doesn't want you in her life right now. You need to accept that.

[RayJ1977]

Ok Paige. I'm sorry. I'll leave you guys alone.

[paiger81]

That's not what I'm saying.

All I'm saying is that instead of harping on what happened, you need to focus on getting past her.

[J-girl]

Ok Paige. I'm sorry. I'll leave you guys alone.

just post everything in one thread...

[RayJ1977]

I am trying. I'm just also trying to make sense of things.

[Angyl]

Ok Paige. I'm sorry. I'll leave you guys alone.


I'm not sure anyone wnats you to leave per say, but the thing is....you ca't dwell on things of the past. Remember the good, and move onto something better. There's always a high probability that while you're dwelling on things lost, that you're missing something really really good.

[biodork]

We really can't help you make sense of things any more than people have already done. You need to start doing that yourself. Take advice that people have already given, and just start doing things to help you forget about it, enjoy yourself.

[RayJ1977]

Yeah, I'm not going anywhere...I just know you guys are tired of hearing about it. I guess I want to understand things because I feel like if I understand them, they'll make sense and everything will feel better and every day won't be such a dark chore. So I try and try to think them out. I didn't mean to be annoying.

[tina1979]

Yeah, I'm not going anywhere...I just know you guys are tired of hearing about it. I guess I want to understand things because I feel like if I understand them, they'll make sense and everything will feel better and every day won't be such a dark chore. So I try and try to think them out. I didn't mean to be annoying.
We know you didn't mean to be annoying. We are just trying to make you see that the more you dwell on it the harder it is going to be.

[J-girl]

Hey but if writing things down makes you feel better do it by all means!!! Start a journal or something! An online one- that usually helps. I mean if you need advice on something specific say when she calls back or something, we are here for you. Since you might be jaded (just a tad) right now and you wont know how to react.

Anyways, I have posted this for a few other people but this article was a life save for me..

http://www.copingtoday.com/articles/grief_and_loss/breakups.shtml

[paiger81]

One time she gets mad at me for paying more attention to fixing the grill (she wanted us to cookout) than listening to her babble about something not important. She's like, "I'm leaving." Anyway...we get in some fight and I tell her I don't understand why she gets so mad at me and takes such offense over that, but she readily forgives this deadbeat who is clearly unstable all of the time. She gets even more upset, tells me I'm not being fair, that I'm being cruel and that it hurts that I'm making her stay away from one of her best friends....blah, blah, blah.

Um, maybe it's me, but who are you to judge whether or not what she was talking about was important or not?

Also, there is a reason she isn't with "the deadbeat" anymore, so it's not like she doesn't know his past.

[RayJ1977]

Thanks J-Girl for the article.

Okay Paige, I got it. I don't need to argue with you about it.

[paiger81]

Seriously, I'm not arguing. You have been asking for perspective, and I'm giving it to you. It sounds like you ignored her, and she got upset. I'd get pissed off, too, if I was being ignored, ESPECIALLY if my SO thought what I was talking about was not important!

[RayJ1977]

She was talking about something on TV. I was busy and it turned into, "Are you listening to me? I can't believe you are ignoring me. You didn't hear a thing I just said."


You weren't there. Just forget it, okay?

[RayJ1977]

Plus, that was 6 months ago. That was not why we broke up.

Nevermind.

[paiger81]

Dude, YOU brought it up.

I just don't think you are getting the point. You are harping on shit from 6 months ago!! What good is that doing you?

[RayJ1977]

I said I got it and that you can forget about it. Sorry to bother you.

[J-girl]

She was talking about something on TV. I was busy and it turned into, "Are you listening to me? I can't believe you are ignoring me. You didn't hear a thing I just said."


You weren't there. Just forget it, okay?
Thats a minor squabble. I dont think that led to your break up.


Hey you asked for our help and we are giving so try to take it with a grain of salt.

[Angyl]

I think Paige has a valid point though ray.

I know for myself, I dislike not being listened to. Maybe it's something stupid, like "desperate Hosuewives" recap, but I still expect to be listened to, becuase I would be with you becuase I think you're genuinely interested in my htoughts, no matter how mundane. Did you ever make her listen to ramblings about your hobbies, etc? things she didn't really care about? You get in a relationship to share those things with each other. I would be extremely put off if you weren't listening. I tend to over react, too, but still.

I don't know. It's been about a month since you broke up, right? That's the worst month ever. Now what oyu need to do is realize if it didn't work out then there's soemnoe even better than her out there for you. So go find her. Go hang out with a friend you havent seen in months, spend time iwth your family, all those things you neglect when in a relationship.

[RayJ1977]

I'll be fine.

Thanks everyone.

[J-girl]

Also Ray, I do understand that when women talk its just a bunch of gibberish to men. It's going to happen with EVERY woman you date! And if she doesnt talk to you, something's wrong with her so get used to it and pretend to listen and reply with "yes dear" :p

[bridgetjones]

Psst... She was not pissed about the grill per say. Yes and not listening is bad. That was just the nail in the coffin or whatever.

She was probably pissed about you forbidding her to see him. She might have thought you did not trust her.

Rather than forbid her to see him, you might have told her why you are concerned in a calm manner. Although if I were in her position I might have gone out of my way to show my current BF that this guy is not an issue to calm him down. Since I would be concerned if a BF was spending that kind of time with an ex.

However, I am not her. Did she ever have you meet him and explain the friendship to you? You might learn something from analyzing this so you will not repeat certain things again.

Write it down and read it again. At least get something out of this urge to obsess about it. Heck I could not when I got dumped.

[RayJ1977]

Look, nevermind. I can't convey to you all the details of all the conversations. I did explain this in a calm manner. We had a discussion about it and it was fine. I never forbade her to see him and even offered for an entire group to go meet him and his friends. I explained that if I met him, maybe I would see he wasn't horrible and things would be ok...SHE didn't want to do that because SHE thought that was weird. Whatever.

[J-girl]

Though I do agree that spending so much time with her ex was wayy out of line. I think you played it cool and pretended not to care. These are things you should write down and try not to repeat in your next relationship.

Oh well- the past is the past you cant change it so dont lose your present by worrying about the future. If that made any sense!

[bridgetjones]

Yes and nod as if you are listening :)

Oh yeah and when they say nothing is wrong, everything is wrong. :p

[J-girl]

you know what a turn on it is when guys listen, even if they pretend. I want to have sex right away. So listening = sex, not listening = I have a headache. :huge:

[paiger81]

Here's what I don't understand. You came here looking for advice. Then when we give it to you, you shut down and keep saying "Nevermind".

So here's my question. What were you looking for here? Did you think we would all just say "poor baby, she's a mean horrid bitch?" Cause I don't work that way(and neither do a lot of posters). I look at people's situations and am supportive of them resolving the issue. You don't appear to want to resolve the issue, you want to harp on it.

[tina1979]

So listening = sex, not listening = I have a headache. :huge:
LOL!!!! Maybe I should email that to my ex to help him out with future relationships.

[RayJ1977]

Exactly J-Girl. I went 6 months saying nothing. I said nothing when she had drinks with him. It wasn't until we got in some fight over nothing that it came up because she would forgive him anything and me nothing. Only when it became apparent that they were communicating almost every day did I ask her, calmly, to either let me meet him or not see him without me around. I don't have any problem with that. I did nod and give her the yes dears. I was great to her and I know he's a bastard. She did not leave me for him---it isn't that. I just don't know why I miss my friend so much and why everything I did for her is now not even recognized with the courtesy to tell me that she heard my apologies. THAT's what hurts...not all the other things. Those are part of relationships...I get that. What hurts is the lack of respect and even basic recognition that people afford other people--especially ones they have cared about.

But nevermind, ok. Really.

[RayJ1977]

I just want to understand things, Paige. Sorry. I'm not an awful person and I don't know why I'm being treated by her as if I am. But yeah...it would be nice to hear things will be okay. It would be nice to not be lectured on how I am the cause of all things bad in my relationship. Fine....even if so, I'd like the courtesy of being able to apologize for that. And I'd like to know why I can't be forgiven when someone so dispicable can be.

[paiger81]

I don't think you are an awful person, I think that she tried to get your attention, but you ignored her. From you other posts you said that you didn't communicate at all, so it's not really a shocker that y'all broke up.

I'm sure she will forgive you in time, but quite frankly it's her choice if she chooses never to talk to you again, then so be it.

[bridgetjones]

Jgirl:
oh yeah woo! he listens and cuddles afterward. then again too much of a good thing can be annoying. that is a whole other thread - had a sensitive BF that drove me nuts! yeah he was the stereotypical perfect BF.

ray:
i do not know your story. this is the only post i saw about it. it sounded like you "layed down the law" from this post. so analyze your own story while you still are processing it! you are right, i was not there. it has only been a month, so wallow productively if you must wallow. you are grieving.

although i do think her reluctance to let you meet him is abit creepy. i would have probed further into that. if my BF did that to me, i would wonder why is that? or at least he needs to grow up if he cannot handle the "weirdness". Ofcourse it is weird! grow up!

[RayJ1977]

Great. Thanks.

[Angyl]

I just want to understand things, Paige. Sorry. I'm not an awful person and I don't know why I'm being treated by her as if I am. But yeah...it would be nice to hear things will be okay. It would be nice to not be lectured on how I am the cause of all things bad in my relationship. Fine....even if so, I'd like the courtesy of being able to apologize for that. And I'd like to know why I can't be forgiven when someone so dispicable can be.


I think a lot of people have been telling you that it will be fine, once you move on. Dwelling is not going to make it OK. And I'm sure she was also to blame for the demise of your relationship. And do'nt compare yourself to her ex. That's jsut a bad idea in general.

So the short version? You're dwelling, obsessing even. Stop. Do something good with the time you have alone now. Work on your own happiness without her. Once you start doing that things WILL be ok. But they can't if you're wallowing in what once was.

[summergold]

From what I gather with your relationship is that you were right to take issue with her talking to this other guy so frequently. What it sounds like is she was turning to him when she should have been turning to you. My main question is why she was turning to him. It's great to have friends that you can talk to, but if you only talk to friends instead of your SO, then it's a huge issue, especially if you find yourself talking about relationship issues. Maybe she didn't feel like she could talk to you for whatever reason. I'm not presuming anything about your relationship, but it just seems that you had three people in your relationship (unbeknownst to you) and when you wanted it to just be two (like it's supposed to be) she couldn't handle it.

If I were you, I'd do everything in my power to try and keep my mind off her. The worst thing you can do is analyze at this point. It will just keep it rolling around in your head when there's really not much you can do. It won't help you move on.

[RayJ1977]

Thanks Angyl.

[J-girl]

Hey you are not an awful person. Neither is she. You did something that she felt was wrong and she did something that you felt was wrong. You guy's couldnt get along. You can try and getting back together but you'll end up in the same spot again- torn and heart broken.

So save yourself some steam and let yourself know that you and her cannot get along as a couple. Even though you are both great people but not together.

Good luck!

And please acknowledge our advice.

[tina1979]

She probably feels like she needs to NOT talk to you as much as you feel like you NEED to talk to her. She is proabably trying to move on the same as you just in a different way

[RayJ1977]

I will. I don't want to get back together...I know that. But It would be nice if someone I cared about and respect would give me the courtesy of just saying, "Ok," when I apologized or acknowledge that I'm trying to do just that. That would go a long way toward making me move on. I understand she doesn't have to talk to me...fine. I just wish she would acknowledge that.

[bridgetjones]

it has only been a month and it is better to not talk to an ex so soon anyways.

i did that to mr. sensitive bc everytime i would talk to him, he'd try to get me back. i wanted it to be over so i refused to speak to him. i did not want to give him hope for reconciliation. it would have been meaner to hang around pretending to be just friends.

write a letter to her. wait 48 hours. then read it again. then either send it or burn it. preferably burn it.

after writing that letter, go do something single folks do. something fun. like watching sports, drinking beer, farting and belching to your hearts content. fixing your bbq in peace and quiet. time for a hobby that used to be spent in this drama rama. taking a last minute vacation without consulting anyone in the process!

think of all the great things about being free.

[bridgetjones]

Ok I did not see that last post before I hit the post button. If I sounded abit insensitive then sorry...

Yes it would be nice if she would acknowledge it. However, you have no control over that. You only have control over you. If you need to say that to her in a letter then fine. Say it. Then move on.

You are letting her control you if you think you need her to acknowledge you to move on.

[shannon08]

[QUOTE=J-girl]Though I do agree that spending so much time with her ex was wayy out of line. I think you played it cool and pretended not to care. These are things you should write down and try not to repeat in your next relationship.
QUOTE]
I agree. I went through the same thing with my boyfriend in the beginning of our relationship. I knew If I forbade (is that a word??) him to talk to her and answer her million and a half phone calls, I would just be driving him back to her. So I just told him to do what he thought he needed to do but made it known that I didn't approve. He stopped after a while and its not an issue anymore. Maybe thats what happend? She didn't like you telling her what to do...regardless of what she sees him or lack there of

[RayJ1977]

So moving on to another issue. Two things:

First, I simply can't get any peace of mind. I'm moving beyond wanting to contact her. I did type up a text message last night that was pretty nasty, but did not send it and quickly moved away from the phone and watched a movie. I did want to call her this morning and just yell at her. I refuse to do that. But here's the thing...WTF?? Why can I not get her out of my brain? For instance, I'll be doing something and BOOM...I'm thinking of her for absolutely NO reason. I'll be driving, listening to a great song and BOOM...the urge to call her. Why? Aside from distracting myself, why isn't this fading. It's been 2 weeks since last contact, 1 month since I saw her for any period of time and since we broke up.


Second, the rebound relationship. There's a girl at work who I'm into. She's a couple years older than me, hot, and pretty cool. She's actually getting married in August, but to her already ex-husband, and only for his medical insurance because she's quitting work and going back to school. So Friday some of us went out after work and hung out. Me and some of the guys were talking to these girls and this girl is like, "What's wrong with me? Would I not satisfy you." I make some comment about, "Yeah, if you aren't taken." And things were fine. Then yesterday she comes to my office and tells me she thought about me all weekend and made some veiled comment that I "should see what happens if I don't take the safe route" with her. Clearly I don't think either of us are thinking in terms of dating each other or anything else, but perhaps a fling. I'm sorta thinking about it....maybe if only because it's flattering and distracting and because it might make me move forward easier. I was shocked when she told me this...but now I'm intrigued and don't know what to do.

[tina1979]

Not saying that having an f buddy to get your mind off of things can't be interesting, I would however choose a different girl. It doesn't matter what her reasons for marrying are. The point is she is taken and you will just be asking for a whole new set of problems on your hand.

As for why do you keep thinking of your ex.. Well because you spent alot of time with her. You are gonna have memories of when you did things together. When you hear a song that reminds you of her. Hell I still hear some songs and I think of a particular ex whom I haven't seen in almost 10 yrs. It doesn't hurt anymore. Its just a fond memory of something we shared. You just have to give it time. Quit trying to rush it. You'll be fine.

[RayJ1977]

I have never been so confused in my life. I'm tired from everything feeling so cold. Makes me never want any relationship again.

[Angyl]

Seriously dude, you need to get whatever friendsyou have and go remember how much fun it is to be single. When my relationship ended, my friends and I did that, and I not only met my rebound, but had a blast. Being single has a lot of perks.

[tina1979]

Ray I was in a relationship for 5 yrs. I have now been single for 2yrs. I didn't go through most of those issues directly after my breakup because I delt with them before it actually happened. You need to pick yourself up. Hang out with friends, go out and have fun. Quit worrying about everything else. it will fall into place.

[mishl982]

Hehe, I can resurrect my Why It's Great to Be Single thread from a few months back...

[tina1979]

Hehe, I can resurrect my Why It's Great to Be Single thread from a few months back...
might need to. :huge: