JJC
06-23-2005, 10:42 AM
First off, thank god for this board! I had no idea what to call the chaos in my life until this past Friday when, after a few rum and cokes, I divulged all my secrets to my friend who then said very authoritatively "Girl, you are having a quarterlife crisis!" A what? never heard of it. So Sat. morning, i get on the computer and find you guys. What a relief! I have to warn you that this is a little lengthy and I will leave out a lot of info but please feel free to be nosy.
For 10 years I have been in a relationship with a woman (yes, since I was 17). While i would have considered myself a lesbian the first 5 years, things are starting to change. I cant even begin to describe how perfect she is, a truly wonderful, caring person that everyone loves (including my family- was really lucky in this regard). Recently, though I have been also attracted to men. Started with black men, then white men, now pretty much all men. Never really acted on it until 4 weeks ago. My life changed about 4 weeks ago.
I do have to mention that something else has been playing a part in my crisis. Three dreaded words that most of us are either about to face or just went through "HIGH SCHOOL REUNION". This reunion has been forcing me to think about all the shit in my life anyway- is my job good enough, is my life good enough, how will I compare to all those people i didnt even like back then, aaaaghhhh! So my personal problems are even more magnified at this point. Ok back to 4 weeks ago.
We went on a backpacking trip to Central America during which my whole world view seemed to change. The poverty, the conditions in which the people live really changed me-for the better i think. Once home, I felt like a nut- getting pissed off when the milk went bad b/c i had to throw it out and that was a waste. stuff like that. The first week home, my girl went camping with friends and I stayed home. This may sound crazy but in 10 years I have never felt so free. Like that scene in Braveheart ..."FREEEEDOM!!" We dont have individual personalities anymore, if I go somewhere, she also goes. Never do anything separate. anyway, i was giddy about the prospects of going out with my friends without someone constantly looking over my shoulder, deciding if I am being too friendly with this or that person, dancing too close, etc. I am a flirty person in general...always have been.
Well, the first night I meet a guy "D" and go home with him. Yes, i cant believe I did this either. I am ashamed but looking back now I dont regret this. He has turned into so much more than a one night stand for me. we have been hanging out for 4 weeks and today :( he is leaving to go home. we have plans to keep in touch and meet up since he is only an hour away but i dont know how all that will work. D is only the second guy in my whole life I have ever had sex with and I was terrified. My first time was with a black guy and my g'friend (yes a threesome, and I DONT RECOMMEND IT) and needless to say ---- OUCH!! so i was a little put off by this and maybe why i waited so long to even think about sex with a man again. Luckily D is so freaking perfect, it was a great experience. But now what?
Me and the "wife" are having major problems. While she doesnt know for sure that i did this, she suspects. Probably because I have been a little too honest with my feelings for men. I used to pride myself on how honest i was about everything with her and i now see maybe i should have kept some things a little more for myself. She is highly suspicious of D, i lie everyday and I hate doing it but....I havent been this happy in 5 years. I know i am being selfish but i was freaking miserable before. i dont want this good feeling to end just yet.
There is so much more to this story but I will let this sink in. Hopefully someone has some insight or clever advice or even some nasty comments for me. Just needed to bounce this stuff off someone!!
For 10 years I have been in a relationship with a woman (yes, since I was 17). While i would have considered myself a lesbian the first 5 years, things are starting to change. I cant even begin to describe how perfect she is, a truly wonderful, caring person that everyone loves (including my family- was really lucky in this regard). Recently, though I have been also attracted to men. Started with black men, then white men, now pretty much all men. Never really acted on it until 4 weeks ago. My life changed about 4 weeks ago.
I do have to mention that something else has been playing a part in my crisis. Three dreaded words that most of us are either about to face or just went through "HIGH SCHOOL REUNION". This reunion has been forcing me to think about all the shit in my life anyway- is my job good enough, is my life good enough, how will I compare to all those people i didnt even like back then, aaaaghhhh! So my personal problems are even more magnified at this point. Ok back to 4 weeks ago.
We went on a backpacking trip to Central America during which my whole world view seemed to change. The poverty, the conditions in which the people live really changed me-for the better i think. Once home, I felt like a nut- getting pissed off when the milk went bad b/c i had to throw it out and that was a waste. stuff like that. The first week home, my girl went camping with friends and I stayed home. This may sound crazy but in 10 years I have never felt so free. Like that scene in Braveheart ..."FREEEEDOM!!" We dont have individual personalities anymore, if I go somewhere, she also goes. Never do anything separate. anyway, i was giddy about the prospects of going out with my friends without someone constantly looking over my shoulder, deciding if I am being too friendly with this or that person, dancing too close, etc. I am a flirty person in general...always have been.
Well, the first night I meet a guy "D" and go home with him. Yes, i cant believe I did this either. I am ashamed but looking back now I dont regret this. He has turned into so much more than a one night stand for me. we have been hanging out for 4 weeks and today :( he is leaving to go home. we have plans to keep in touch and meet up since he is only an hour away but i dont know how all that will work. D is only the second guy in my whole life I have ever had sex with and I was terrified. My first time was with a black guy and my g'friend (yes a threesome, and I DONT RECOMMEND IT) and needless to say ---- OUCH!! so i was a little put off by this and maybe why i waited so long to even think about sex with a man again. Luckily D is so freaking perfect, it was a great experience. But now what?
Me and the "wife" are having major problems. While she doesnt know for sure that i did this, she suspects. Probably because I have been a little too honest with my feelings for men. I used to pride myself on how honest i was about everything with her and i now see maybe i should have kept some things a little more for myself. She is highly suspicious of D, i lie everyday and I hate doing it but....I havent been this happy in 5 years. I know i am being selfish but i was freaking miserable before. i dont want this good feeling to end just yet.
There is so much more to this story but I will let this sink in. Hopefully someone has some insight or clever advice or even some nasty comments for me. Just needed to bounce this stuff off someone!!