ANother question for the married (or to-be) folks

[Cole]

This is a little long, but I've been anxious about it for days. Thank goodness I've found a place for some non-motherly advice!

I've been dating a wonderful guy for about 5 months. Since about the fourth date I've felt like there's a very real chance he might be "the one" for me.

I know we're both looking at one another as marriage material - among other things, we've had casual conversations that we played off as just conversation and "not about us" regarding everything from last-name changing to engagement rings.

The other night we got into a conversation about finances and spending habits. He's anally fiscally responsible, and has allowed his fear of not having enough money rule all of the decisions he has made about college, his career, etc. He also enjoys a moderately high standard of living, and wants to maintain/increase that. I am very free-spirited and find it more important to pursue my passions and do fulfilling work, the money being secondary.

I told him I hope that someday he feels comfortable enough to do what he really wants to - he has amazing talents in music and would love to be a sound engineer. His response was that he can't ever imagine having enough money to feel like he could do the things he really wants to do, and that sharing his life with someone who wasn't very careful with their money would be a major stress factor for him and make him very unhappy.

It's not that I'm irresponsible, I would never get into the kind of debt my mom has. But I don't find high earning power very important, and would rather have a very modest lifestyle but more freedom than have a lot of money but never be away from work to enjoy it.

We both were raised in households with very little money and want to do better by our children than our parents were able to do by us.

My parents have always fought over money, my dad wanting my mom to get a "real" job (she runs her own business) and my mom wanting to have the freedom to live her life without the pressure of having to work a 9-5 just for the money.

I'm terrified of ending up like them, and of having my passions and dreams squelched in the name of economic staus.

I get the sense that money is an issue for everyone. Is this a problem in your relationship? how do you deal with it? Am I just freaking out because this reminds me of my parents, or is this something to seriously think about as a potential deal-breaker?

[midtwenty]

I get the sense that money is an issue for everyone. Is this a problem in your relationship? how do you deal with it? Am I just freaking out because this reminds me of my parents, or is this something to seriously think about as a potential deal-breaker?
Well let me assure you that it's NOT an issue for everyone. In six years, my husband and I have NEVER had a fight about money. The two main things that will keep you out of trouble are: communication and compromise. As far as communication goes, you have to set the precedent early that you will discuss every penny you have, what it's for, where your money is going and what you have coming in versus going out. Otherwise, IMO, you're just setting yourselves up for being resentful of each other. As far as compromise, you both have to be willing to concede that while your major financial goals are the same or similar, you will both have expenditures that the other doesn't necessarily agree with. For example, did I WANT Steve to go out and spend $250 on a new stereo for his truck? Not really, but it was money he had that didn't affect our bills or other obligations and he works hard. So I said nothing. Did I NEED to go shopping on my lunch break today and buy three new shirts? No, but again, the money was mine to spend and we won't suffer for it.

I also strongly recommend setting up your system so that you have household money, but you both have your own money to do with as you please. For us, this has REALLY cut down on the potential for arguments or resentment because we each have our own pool of money to spend however we want. The household money - which we both contribute to - is untouchable and is what we use for the mortgage, the bills, and what we need as a family.

[paiger81]

I also strongly recommend setting up your system so that you have household money, but you both have your own money to do with as you please.

COMPLETELY AGREE with this. My parents have a household account set up, then their own private accounts. I think it was easier for them to make sure bills were taken care of, yet still had some fun money.

[24forever]

COMPLETELY AGREE with this. My parents have a household account set up, then their own private accounts. I think it was easier for them to make sure bills were taken care of, yet still had some fun money.


I agree. That's how my parents are, and how the S's parents are, and essentially how we are b/c we live together in a condo we own. I think it's better that way so you can be together and have your own money that isn't shared so you can do what you want with it, but the money for your home, your life is put together.

[24forever]

I get the sense that money is an issue for everyone. Is this a problem in your relationship? how do you deal with it? Am I just freaking out because this reminds me of my parents, or is this something to seriously think about as a potential deal-breaker?


You just need to talk it over and find out how you both feel, and when you get to that point what your plan would be. As long as you're on the same page about things it should be fine.

[analogman]

Money is a big issue and has the potential to be a deal breaker. I remember reading somewhere that a large percentage of divorces are caused by money issues. I think you two need to talk a bit more about the specifics before deciding to get married. From what I understand of your post, this is a big picture issue and not the nitty gritty. This is more on the order of "will you stay home with the kids vs. working" than the "I want to go to somewhere exotic for vacation vs. somewhere cheaper". Whether you work or not and how much salary you bring home affects your lifestyle significantly.

As midtwenty pointed out, communication and compromise is key. Talk it over and get things figured out before you get married. If you two are really into each other, talking shouldn't be too difficult and compromising is easier as well. I have found that our spending habits have somewhat blended together after being together for a while. I was a spender and she was a saver. Now I am save more than I used to and she spends more than she used to, it's great!

My wife and I hardly ever fight about money because we agree on the big picture. It also helps that we have some flexibility on her occupation because I earn enough for us to live on so it becomes a lifestyle trade-off.

Good luck!

[wordsmith]

The other night we got into a conversation about finances and spending habits. He's anally fiscally responsible, and has allowed his fear of not having enough money rule all of the decisions he has made about college, his career, etc. He also enjoys a moderately high standard of living, and wants to maintain/increase that. I am very free-spirited and find it more important to pursue my passions and do fulfilling work, the money being secondary.

I have this same trepidation. I really do feel like I will ultimately get rejected over being this way. Because it seems like nobody I have been with can seem to wrap their head around it. Almost every guy I've ever dated has been very vocal about how they wouldn't stay three seconds in a field that pays as little as either of mine have. It's really disheartening.

But I don't find high earning power very important, and would rather have a very modest lifestyle but more freedom than have a lot of money but never be away from work to enjoy it.

This is how I am, too. Basically, I'd rather feel very good about what it is I'm doing and earn less than not be into my job and earn more, as well.