The Boyfriend's Mother

[monicat]

Okay so long story short, my boyfriend and I have been together for just over 3 years. We have separated here and there through that time. Recently, I left for 2 mos. I wanted to be with my family...I've lived out of state and away from them for years. It was really good and very healing for me.

When he told his mother that I was coming back (at dinner) she accosted him. (which I think is very insensitive) She said "Are you sure you want her to come back?" "She's left before, she could do it again." "What's she going to do for work?"

She was trying to get him not to take me back. When in reality, it was the other way around. I took him back.

Now it's been 3 weeks and I'm expected to go to dinner there tonight.
I'm so aggervated with her. We had a good relationship before and she understood my reasons for leaving. I really trusted her. I haven't given her any reason to think I wouldn't work (i have kept our heads above water all along) It would be insulting to have anyone question my relationship and work ethic...But coming from her, it's insulting and hurtful.

How do I deal with her? I don't want my boyfriend in the middle of his mom and girlfriend. I want to be the bigger person, but I think that sends her the message that it's okay for her to put her nose where it doesn't belong.

HELP! How should I be at dinner tonight......?

[WeirdBrake]

Why did she turn on you? Was there something that happened? Was it just out of nowhere? It doesn't make sense that you were on good terms with her and she was understanding and now suddenly she's against you. I'm not saying you did anything, but did something happen with HER that might have changed her attitude?

[monicat]

Read this...Help me!! LOL

[monicat]

Maybe my leaving hurt her feelings. She is a really stubborn and tough person..she also is a right-wing devout catholic. She is very judgemental and outspoken. But in the past I've been able to just look past that, for the good of our relationship. But, now that I feel she crossed the line, I'm ready to put my foot down...or up....her ass! lol

Should I go to dinner and just be all stepford. Should I say something....Should I wait until she does something and jump her??? LOL
I just hate being fake. In my family, if their is a problem...we hash it out. We are unconditional and regardless of what is said or done we love eachother. His family.....not so much.

[WeirdBrake]

This is a tough situation. I think getting into a fight with his mother is a losing battle, though. Does your bf at least have some perspective on his mother? If he does, that should at least mitigate it. But it's probably not your place to tell her off. It's his place to tell her that her opinions about you are duly noted, and now she should back off. If he can't do that, he should at least take reasonable steps to make sure you aren't exposed to her venom or put in awkward situations because of it.

[monicat]

He stood up for me the night she accosted him at dinner. She backed down.
I'm glad he stood up for me (and yes he has a real grasp on how his mom is)
but, I just don't know how to act around her.

[monicat]

So it's almost time to go! I'm having a drink! LOL This way I will feel all warm and fuzzy...not cold and spikey.
I will fill all in on how it went and I'd love to hear your experiences with in-laws or future in-laws or your partners' peeps.

wish me luck!
-monicat

[bridgetjones]

I agree that you should not get into fights with his mother. It is your BFs job to defend you and he did that. I have seen enough situations and you do not openly mess with someones momma even if their momma is crazy. "Yeah but its MY momma!"

My bros wife talked and acted smack towards me, my momma and my daddy. She has never apoligized. My parents are not perfect but STFU about them. Lets just say we do not like her and still act coldly polite at best to this day.

Lets just say if she acted coldly polite and let my bro handle it, we might all get along better. Then again until recently my bros been a pussy about taking sides and defending his wife. Hmm... Rather sad considering he used to be a role model to me now I look at him and think I am not gonna do that.

So smile. Be polite. Talk about the weather and her wonderful cooking (especially if it is not :razz: ).

Gee that was therapeutic. As for my relationships, my parents have been accused of meddling but they have never called to harass my BFs. My LTR BF said they were trying to break us up. Ok they were but they were RIGHT! I should have broke up with him a long time before we finally did.

[bridgetjones]

Yeah sisters with no psycho toxic girlfriends to meet and marry!

Now I need advice on how to deal with her and still have a nice normal relationship with said bro. Do not think that is possible! He married the one person in the whole world I cannot stand to be in the same room with for prolonged periods of time... AHH!!!

[wordsmith]

Dealing with families and inlaws kind of makes me almost not want to get married, honestly. I know that my family's a certain way, and it's really hard for me to deal with families that operate completely differently. So do I only pursue things with somebody whose family experience is compatible to mine? I grew up in a family where the parents-in-law (3/4 of my grandparents, anyway) did not treat the child who married in well, at all. I know I couldn't live with that.

It's also true that, in many cases, a mother-son or mother-daughter relationship isn't something you want to mess with too much, IMO. There are exceptions, but, barring there having been some large rift where ties between a parent and child have been severed, there's generally too much history to really safely stick your nose in. I'd tread very carefully around a spouse or s.o.'s parent/child dynamic. That's tricky territory to navigate well.

[wordsmith]

BJ, if it's any consolation, this weekend, my brother's going to marry a woman who consistently talks smack about him to his mother, and is generally all-around snotty, rude, and socially inappropriate most of the time.

[bridgetjones]

My cousin just got married and well... Ok she has no parent in laws to deal with bc her husband is an orphan. Or marry someone whose parents live far, far away...

I would not get involved in anyones parental relationships directly. Period. Heck I have been burned by trying to be helpful by advising people about their relationships. Stay out of it. Maybe talk to your SO but do not sound too judgemental...

Grrr... I try to stay out of it with my bros situation. It can be hard to be polite to my sis-in-law when she is being rude/ obnoxious to me. Trouble is I have no right to be demanding to anyone since I am not married to anyone here. I cannot walk up to my bro and say hey your wife is a bee-yotch, tell her to behave. However his wife can ask that of my bro. So I am left gritting my teeth... :mad:

Huh? Words your bro is marrying a woman that talks smack about your bro to your MOMMA? And she is in a helping profession. Man...