My boyfriend

[winneythepooh7]

Okay I am taking a big risk by posting this because I really don't like to share a lot of intimate details of my life, but I need to talk about something that has really been bothering me lately. So here goes, as clear as I can possibly make it..........

My boyfriend and his best friend started their own company a little more than a year ago. While they are basically breaking even financially, and making a small profit at best, it is a major stressor on them, especially my boyfriend. I'd be here until midnight typing all the stuff that has been going on but to make a long story short, they knew going into this that there was a big chance they would "fail" as they put it. I am feeling that my boyfriend just needs to call it quits and get a 9-5 job with health benefits (which he doesn't have) and he would probably be a lot happier, even though at the same time, he is doing what he loves. I am feeling that the stress of his job seeps into our relationship often. He has been self-medicating a lot (not going into details, I will just leave it at that) and I am worried about him. They had a major issue with a job happen this past week which could cause ongoing problems and stress for a long time to come in the future. We had a rocky day today because on top of all of this, he decided to quit smoking on Thursday because he has been feeling like crap lately. I told him that I would support him with whatever he decides, but I think, realistically, if we are to take our relationship to the next level, he needs to do some serious thinking about the future and his business. Another thing that I probably have never talked about before is that he has had some serious things happen to him in his past and has come a long way for the better, but with the way the business is going, I worry that he may take a turn for the worse. The great thing is that he has a wonderful and supportive family and many friends who care about him. None of us see it as "failure" if he gives up the business but he does. He also gets upset because he dropped out of college and feels "too old" to go back to school. We get in arguments because of the stress (well probably also related to the stress of both of our jobs as well) and he always tells me (even though he doesn't mean it) that maybe I should be with someone else. I don't know, this is really really loaded I know, I just felt like venting about what has been going on in my life lately to people I know who are definately understanding and supportive.

[mishl982]

(((HUGS))) I wish I could offer some advice, Allison. Your boyfriend is lucky to have someone like you to support him.

[Bugsey34]

Awww, Winney, that sucks. I think all you can do is support him, it seems like it's just a rough time that will pass. Just make sure supporting him isn't affecting you negatively.

[lynseymay]

Aww I'm sorry. I know it's difficult to talk to the bfs about certain things, at least I know it is for me. But honestly if you're really worried about him I honestly think you should talk to him about it. Tell him your worried about his physical and mental health. That you want to be supportive of his business (and have been) but ask him, is it really worth all the stress with little profit? Maybe suggest him taking a little time off...to clear his head and destress for a while????

[winneythepooh7]

We talked a few times tonight and he is really depressed about the business. The good thing is his parents are coming home from their vacation tommorrow which should be good for him too. He is all alone in a big house right now! I encouraged him and his partner to have a sit-down sometime this week and really paint a realistic picture of how things are working out.

[WeirdBrake]

Tough situation. While it is a general rule that most businesses fail, I'm still not so sure telling your bf to quit and get a regular 9-5 job is the way to go. Businesses are so unpredictable (I know nothing about the kind your bf has). There are stories of businesses that have slow starts and end up succeeding in the long run, and their owners didn't get them to that point by giving up at the first sign of trouble. Plus, you said he's doing what he loves. There's the danger that he could call it quits, get a regular job that he hates, start feeling worse about himself for having done so, and then his mental health could deteriorate even further, and his self-medication could increase.

I agree about having him and his partner sit down and have a calm, rational discussion on what's going on and how they want to proceed. I don't necessarily think he ought to give up his business yet. But if there comes a point where they absolutely can't continue with it any longer, he'll have to come to terms with that.

[winneythepooh7]

Tough situation. While it is a general rule that most businesses fail, I'm still not so sure telling your bf to quit and get a regular 9-5 job is the way to go. Businesses are so unpredictable (I know nothing about the kind your bf has). There are stories of businesses that have slow starts and end up succeeding in the long run, and their owners didn't get them to that point by giving up at the first sign of trouble. Plus, you said he's doing what he loves. There's the danger that he could call it quits, get a regular job that he hates, start feeling worse about himself for having done so, and then his mental health could deteriorate even further, and his self-medication could increase.

I agree about having him and his partner sit down and have a calm, rational discussion on what's going on and how they want to proceed. I don't necessarily think he ought to give up his business yet. But if there comes a point where they absolutely can't continue with it any longer, he'll have to come to terms with that.

Yeah, all great points WB. The only major reason I would encourage him in the long run to get out of this is because it is a construction business. They do mostly cement/stone work, landscaping in people's backyards, rooftops in Manhattan, that kind of thing. It is very physically draining.

[wordsmith]

Winney, my dad started his own construction business when he was in his early thirties (background is that he was a teacher at the time, and was doing carpentry during his summers off, and making more those three months than the entire school year on a teacher's salary, so he made the switch). He was five years into his marriage, and had a new baby (me) when he made the switch. Things went pretty well for probably ten years, and then a gradual decline ever since. It's been a major source of hardship for my family, and because it's a lot harder to break into a new line of work when your fortiesh than when you're thirtiesh, you do tend to get kind of stuck on a sinking ship.
My personal opinion is that if a business doesn't go well, it's better to get out sooner rather than later.

And, yeah, the job is VERY physically demanding. My dad's in his upper fifties and doing roofing on 100 degree days...don't think I don't worry.

[Bugsey34]

Winney, has he been marketing the business well? NYC is like one huge construction project, it never ends, so he shouldn't have trouble finding work here! If the business always fails couldn't he also work for one of the larger companies, like Bovis or Structuretone? I am in the middle of a huge construction project at work right now so I feel like I know the industry inside and out. :rolleyes: There's lots of money to be made, especially with landscaping rooftop gardens and stuff. But I think a lot of getting out there and getting the work is marketing and working the connections. People hire contractors on word of mouth that they are reliable!

[coll214]

Aww, winney ((HUGS)). I think the best thing you can do for him now is to try and be supportive in what he decides to do. You said though the business is making a small profit? I agree w/ WB that maybe it's not quite yet to throw in the towel, but he should realize that he does have other options and that he certainly wouldn't be the first person to have a business that folds.

[winneythepooh7]

Winney, my dad started his own construction business when he was in his early thirties (background is that he was a teacher at the time, and was doing carpentry during his summers off, and making more those three months than the entire school year on a teacher's salary, so he made the switch). He was five years into his marriage, and had a new baby (me) when he made the switch. Things went pretty well for probably ten years, and then a gradual decline ever since. It's been a major source of hardship for my family, and because it's a lot harder to break into a new line of work when your fortiesh than when you're thirtiesh, you do tend to get kind of stuck on a sinking ship.
My personal opinion is that if a business doesn't go well, it's better to get out sooner rather than later.

And, yeah, the job is VERY physically demanding. My dad's in his upper fifties and doing roofing on 100 degree days...don't think I don't worry.

All great points. He always wanted to go back to school to be a teacher. I am encouraging him to do that if this doesn't work out. Plus I worry about when he gets older being able to do such manual labor.........

[winneythepooh7]

Winney, has he been marketing the business well? NYC is like one huge construction project, it never ends, so he shouldn't have trouble finding work here! If the business always fails couldn't he also work for one of the larger companies, like Bovis or Structuretone? I am in the middle of a huge construction project at work right now so I feel like I know the industry inside and out. :rolleyes: There's lots of money to be made, especially with landscaping rooftop gardens and stuff. But I think a lot of getting out there and getting the work is marketing and working the connections. People hire contractors on word of mouth that they are reliable!
They do pretty good in terms of getting work so far. A lot of what they get is through their friend who has a landscaping business. A big issue though is that his company is based in Long Island and it really is a bitch trying to get in and out of the city everyday. The traffic, no place to park, especially when they have jobs in Brooklyn Heights and Manhattan. This is what causes them the most stress. They have so much equipment and difficulty getting it to where it needs to be. For example, my boyfriend had to park his big ass truck in a parking garage the other day. They ran out of those huge cinder blocks for the project they were working on mid-day. He went back to get his truck to go to get more blocks from the store and they told him since it was so big, it was blocked in and he couldn't get it back until the end of the day. Him and 2 of his workers had to load up a wheelbarrow with bricks and walk it up 9th ave. like 35 blocks, all three practically pushing it was so heavy. And he doesn't like to turn down the jobs in the city because people who live in Long Island unless they have money can be really cheap when it comes to spending money on their landscaping, and right now they are getting less jobs in Long Island. Plus since they are still new, they want to take whatever they can for income and to build up their reputation. But with city jobs comes even more hassles because if something goes wrong down the road, and they are working way out on the Island, they need to come back into the city to fix the work late at night. They put in a lot of rooftop decks and sometimes stuff goes wrong with them, like water getting stuck underneath and then leaking through the roof down below, so there have been times they have had to go back to fix it. If he was a member of a company and not an owner, he wouldn't have as much aggravation to deal with.

[wordsmith]

All great points. He always wanted to go back to school to be a teacher. I am encouraging him to do that if this doesn't work out. Plus I worry about when he gets older being able to do such manual labor.........

Well, to be honest, if it makes you feel better, I think doing manual labor has probably ADDED years to my dad's life. It has the health risk downsides (i.e. dangerous equipment and major sun exposure), but in all honestly, it's kept in him superb shape. He's in the physical condition of a dude about 20 years his junior. He can do things at pushing sixty that guy's who've spent the past 30 years at a desk couldn't do, because he's very conditioned. He's a lean, wiry guy, and he's only gained five pounds from the weight he was when he got married at 25. He's still going pretty strong...He's slowed down a little, requires a little more rest, but not much.

[kitalyn414]

i agree with WB.

[wordsmith]

It wasn't a viable option for a person with a family who lived in a cheap area!

[Bugsey34]

This really is a tough one, Winney... if the business is bad in Long Island maybe they should just focus on Manhattan alone so that they're not running back and forth all day? I thought parking tickets were just a general expense for these types of businesses? You see any trucks in the city always covered in tickets.

[lilyflower]

I too, agree with WB. I wouldn't go as far as telling him to quit (at least not just yet - maybe in years when it's obvious this isn't going to work.) but you definitely have to talk to him about how he's dealing with it.

[winneythepooh7]

You guys offered good advice and it's good to see things in a different perspective. I too have often thought of quitting my job, but I have stuck it out and believe it or not, things are actually getting better now and I am enjoying it. Where I work is also a brand new program so I guess it's kind of the same thing. At least he does have the support of his family (they let him live with them to save $$$ and have a space to store his stuff). If we lived together or were married I think it would be a completely different situation and then there would be even more pressure to get out of his situation. I still am going to continue to encourage him to think about his future and all options, especially when the busy season is over late this fall/winter. I mean, even if we love what we do, I think it is important to think about the future and always have a "back up plan" in case things don't work out.........