As a woman, do you ever feel that you have to be "chosen" by a man?

[AmbrNrgy]

Sometimes I feel like it is not my choice to get married. If I want to marry a man, I feel like he will have to pick me. But, I guess it's the other way around as well. However, for some reason I feel like men have more of "their pick" than the woman. I know that some women might ask the man to marry them, but I would NEVER do that. I think Britney Spears did that. It's not that I'm completely against it, I just think it would be weird. I'm too old fashioned, I guess.

[bridgetjones]

Nah I am the same way! People give me some crap for not liking to ask men out. I prefer to be asked out by the man for the same rationale. I want to be the chosen one.

Besides you can have your pick of which man to date if you date enough of them. Plus alot of men are turned down by the women they chose. I would rather be with a man that CHOSE me than one that is with me because I chose him. Then he might be ambivalent about me. Most men like the challenge and hunt of it anyways.

Yeah it sucks to wait and stuff but men also have it hard too...

WTF?! Britney girlfriend there are many men that would want you and you pick that guy?!

[and1grad]

Dont the women do the "choosing" though? Men do the offering, the decision is always up to the woman.

[bridgetjones]

It is different parts of the process males or females typically have control over.

Males choose which females to offer themselves to. Females chose among who offers. Males typically do chose when to get married. This is where alot of women get stuck.

However sometimes beggars cannot be choosers right? Or you do not get your first choice?! :frustrate

[and1grad]

I guess we take turns being "beggars" and "choosers."

[Tayl405]

Don't we choose each other? I would never wait for someone I liked to ask me out, but if they did, by accepting I would think I'm choosing them (just as they chose to ask me out). Did that even make sense?

[pisces2473]

Don't we choose each other? I would never wait for someone I liked to ask me out, but if they did, by accepting I would think I'm choosing them (just as they chose to ask me out). Did that even make sense?
You make sense...we choose each other...it's as simple as that.

[shimmer728]

I am always in control. :twisted:

[maxwell78]

You make sense...we choose each other...it's as simple as that.
It doesn't always seem or feel that way though.

[pisces2473]

I know that Max. :frustrate

[GetMeOuttaDC]

Dont the women do the "choosing" though? Men do the offering, the decision is always up to the woman.

But women only have the decision if the men offer. So men are the ones in control.

[Cole]

hm... sometimes the guy picks me, most of the time I decide what I want and then get him to actually make the move... I don't really feel like one or the other is in control or chooses the other... at least, not usually.

I guess the most serious relationships I've been in were the guys I was really nuts about and then I guess they kind of picked me. But I'm not too shy to make a move when I want to.

[AmbrNrgy]

But women only have the decision if the men offer. So men are the ones in control.


yeah.....that's what i mean....i think

[bridgetjones]

Yes GMODC that is my reasoning too as un-PC as that is - nature is not PC. However we have the power to reject if they ask us out. Just because a guy offers it does not mean you take it. Do not forget that the woman is also the one that chooses when to "do it". The women are in control of the sex part and the pacing of it. Unless she gets all insecure and thinks she has to do so to keep a man.

[lilyflower]

I wait for the guys, but that's basically because I personally feel very uncomfortable approaching guys. If I was more confident, I'd probably pick guys up, but I just... don't have near that much confidence.

[and1grad]

But women only have the decision if the men offer. So men are the ones in control.
What kind of convoluted logic is THAT?

[pisces2473]

What kind of convoluted logic is THAT?
Yeah...if the woman offers to the man (or hits on him, whatever) HE has control. It's not SOLELY a man thing.

[GetMeOuttaDC]

The convolution behind my logic is - I don't think women should hit on men. And I think that because men WANT to be the pursuers.

[maxwell78]

I don't think women should hit on men.
Why?


And I think that because men WANT to be the pursuers.
What are you talkin about? I'd MUCH rather sit around and be pursued. I fear I'd be sitting around for quite a while though. :lol:

[and1grad]

Well that book bullshitted you. Nobody enjoys putting themselves on the line for rejection. The sentiment itself is absurd.

[abbiapple]

Heteros might as well be unicorns.
I have a better understanding of quantum theory than the girl/boy dynamic.
I am approached by men frequently and I politely decline...

I wonder if men think they need to be chosen by women?

[maxwell78]

if a guy doesn't have to work to get you, earn your attention, etc, he doesn't value you or the relationship as much.
How would that be any different for a guy? In order for this to hold any signifigance, you have to start with the assumption that all guys are oversexed pigs looking for one thing and one thing only. I, for one, refuse to believe it and I would hope to God that a lot of girls don't believe this either. Because if they do, we're all in for one hell of a life.


it creates a power imbalance when he knows you want him and you don't know what his feelings are.
Ah, there's that word again. God forbid we'd ever be out of control...God forbid we'd actually be vulnerable with someone. There's more to dating than keeping score.

Look, there's no way to take the risk out of dating. You are GOING to get hurt. Everyone is. I have in the past and I'm sure you have too. It's like we're trying to take the risk out of it. If people don't open up and are more concerned with the score, then they can't get hurt...but what do we really win? We're trying to prove to ourselves and everyone else that we aren't the weak ones...that THEY can't pull one over on US. It's just insanity to me.

remember those "toxic" books I told you about on that other thread that sound really fucked up at first, then become self-fulfilling prophesies?
Don't read them and they won't become self-fulfilling prophesies!

[summergold]

I think that choice exists on behalf of both individuals involved in a relationship. Regardless of who approaches whom first, each party had to choose. Otherwise that would be considered slavery :p . I also think a woman has every right to approach a man. Not being able to is like saying, "I don't believe that women should work outside the home." Working outside the home is a necessity in today's world. So is the ability to go and seek out companionship for one's self.

[WeirdBrake]

Heteros might as well be unicorns.
I have a better understanding of quantum theory than the girl/boy dynamic.
I am approached by men frequently and I politely decline...

I wonder if men think they need to be chosen by women?

I don't understand this post at all. Why might heteros well be unicorns? Why do you always politely decline when you're approached? Why do you wonder if men think they need to be chosen by women?

I think you need to be a little more clear with what you're saying.

[WeirdBrake]

Well that book bullshitted you. Nobody enjoys putting themselves on the line for rejection. The sentiment itself is absurd.

I agree with and1 here. The books are full of shit. And when I say they're full of shit, what I mean is that they are full of shit.

[summergold]

I don't understand this post at all. Why might heteros well be unicorns? Why do you always politely decline when you're approached? Why do you wonder if men think they need to be chosen by women?

I think you need to be a little more clear with what you're saying.

I may be speaking out of place, but I believe she was saying that she is not hetero. Correct me if I'm wrong.

[Winter Storm]

This is probably one of the few 'gender war' threads, where I think it honestly goes both ways.

One the woman's side, she may feel that she's waiting to be chosen because she may be waiting for the guy to make the move, make the offer or put the ring on the finger.

But on the guys' side, he may be waiting for the girl to accept the offer, the next date or the proposal. So I think we're all waiting to be chosen.

[shimmer728]

I don't understand this post at all. Why might heteros well be unicorns?

I love unicorns.

[MetFanL]

Interesting topic. In my experience, I've found that once guys hit a certain age or maturity level, they look around and see that they're the only single guy in their group. They say, I better get married and date a girl and propose. I've seen it happen a bunch of times... the lightbulb just goes off. So, yes, when it comes to marriage, I think men have more power... mostly b/c they don't have a hard & fast timeline the way a woman does (biological clock, anyone?). If we're talking about just dating, or sex in particular, women definitely have the power here.

I practically had a test case on this on Friday night. My friend was a bit tipsy and was THROWING herself at an acquaintance of mine. She was pretty OOC, so I was on baby-sitting duty. I was driving anyway, so no big on the drinking, but I really couldn't leave her alone, which s*cked. Anyway, everytime she'd go chat with other friends, this acquaintance (we'll call him J)would hit on me (which is fair b/c I looked hot ;)). She was talk to his friend who was filling her head with " J wants your number, he really likes you, yada, yada." Meanwhile, I'm keeping my distance b/c I know she's developing a horrible drunken crush and, while I like J a ton -- he's a cool guy and totally gorgeous -- I decide to just hang back and do my thing... kid around, a little arm punching, chatting with other dudes and generally staying out of her path to J. So, what does J do as soon as my drunked friend turns her back? KISSES ME FULL ON THE MOUTH. I generally ignore his advances (b/c he's very flirty with everyone) all night long (as well as the last time we hung out) and he feels compelled to kiss me. Why? I really think that it's b/c I was not playing his game. My friend was and I think he was bored -- it was too easy.

What do you guys think?? Is that an accurate assessment?

[Tayl405]

I definitely think guys are like that Met. I think girls are too. The game (when innocent) can be fun.

But I absolutely disagree that women should wait for men to ask them out. There's no way in hell I'm going to sit around and wait for something - if I want it, I'm going after it. In fact, every relationship I've been in I've made the inital move. Did that make the guys value or respect me less? Of course not! Why would it? I'm not going to respect a guy less for asking me out. It goes both ways. The person doing the asking out is choosing to ask that person out, and the person accepting is choosing to accept. Therefore we choose each other. Like someone said before, if not, it would be slavery. We have the power to decide who we want to be and who we don't.

[bridgetjones]

Yes I think you are correct Met. I have thrown myself at guys. Does not work. I do not get a freaking thrill out of it.

Why is it not PC to admit that men and women just MIGHT BE DIFFERENT!? Heck that is the way it is in the rest of the animal kingdom!

Yes women control the sexual access part. Yes men do control the pushing the relationship along to marriage thing. Hey for both sides that can seem unfair.

[wordsmith]

I've found that once guys hit a certain age or maturity level, they look around and see that they're the only single guy in their group. They say, I better get married and date a girl and propose.

Yup, case in point, my class reunion this past weekend. Got into a very similar discussion with one of the few single guys in my class who WASN'T freaking out about being single, so he and I bonded.

[AmbrNrgy]

I feel like if there is too much of a game, then maybe the two people aren't right for eachother. When it's right, things will just fall into place. Games are so annoying...fun sometimes, I guess...but they get tired.

However, if you're talking about the beginning stages of the relationship...like the first month or so...I think there is a lot of game playing/guessing there. Like a cat and mouse chase...

[Tayl405]

I feel like you can't get away from the game, even if you want to. It's fun when it's innocent, but it does get old really quickly.

[wordsmith]

In my own experience, when it's been right, you skip past the game stuff. You can both tell that there's no need for that. That's an awesome thing.

[Brillo25]

if a guy doesn't have to work to get you, earn your attention, etc, he doesn't value you or the relationship as much. it creates a power imbalance when he knows you want him and you don't know what his feelings are.

I may be naive, but I always thought relationships were about two like-minded people coming together and deciding they want to be with each other because of their mutual affection and interest in each other, however that's initiated. It's not about who has the upper hand in moving things forward, since both people have to agree to move the thing forward anyway. I don't see how it matters who did the initial pursuing if both eventually come to the conclusion that they want to be together. I would heavily appreciate being pursued, and would fondly recall that this woman was initially into me enough to break "the rules" and do the pursuing.

Whether or not I value a relationship is based on what I think of that person and how they make me feel, not whether or not I can pat myself on the back for a well-executed pursuit.

[inuts]

I love unicorns.

Did you know that in medieval times unicorns were considered a symbol of bravery and courage? It's true.

And, it's probably a lot better for women to ask men out than to sit around and wait. That way when the guy gets the girl, it is clear that he loves her and not just the thrill of the chase.

If a girl I liked or was checking out came up to me and asked me out, she would score a lot of points. A girl like that will be reasonable, have common sense and make my life so much easier. A girl like that is worth serious consideration even if I wasn't checking her out in the first place. Totally, 100%. There are way too many girls whose expectations are just completely unrealistic. The realistic girl will get my all.

[J-girl]

I dont think I have to be chosen by a man and I am being blunt here in an effort not to sound too cocky.

If I like a guy I am going to try my best to approach him (him = cute articling student on the 14th floor) but if he is not interested in me it's probably because he doesnt like me not cuz he can "choose" someone else.

I think if I wanted to be in a half arsed relationship I wouldnt be single right now. With my attitude I might be waiting a while but gosh darn I am not going to be some guys option.

So to answer the OP, NO I am not going to be chosen by a man. And I am not going to chose anyone either. It's going to be a union of two hearts. I am single cuz I am a hopeless romantic. I believe in love.

[abbiapple]

I don't understand this post at all. Why might heteros well be unicorns? Why do you always politely decline when you're approached? Why do you wonder if men think they need to be chosen by women?

I think you need to be a little more clear with what you're saying.

I politely decline to be more clear with what I'm saying. In fact, your confusion illustrates my point--we simply don't understand one another.

[and1grad]

I think your declination only illustrates that men & women dont always communicate that well and sometimes its cuz one side just isnt trying.

[shimmer728]

I'm confused, too, and I am a girl. :confused:

[wordsmith]

I think you're right. One side usually wants the other to come over to its way of looking at things, rather than meet the other person where they're at.

[and1grad]

Or in the middle. I guess thats where the line gets drawn sometimes.

Hey since women are "the weaker sex," shouldnt you be meeting us on our terms? :evil:

[wordsmith]

Weaker sex? Are you completely unaware of my strength? I think not. :lol:

[WeirdBrake]

I politely decline to be more clear with what I'm saying. In fact, your confusion illustrates my point--we simply don't understand one another.

I understand plain English, and you weren't speaking in plain English. You were speaking in riddles. This has nothing to do with gender. It has to do with your failure to communicate your ideas effectively. Thank you for clarifying the deliberate nature of this failure on your part.

[and1grad]

I understand plain English, and you weren't speaking in plain English. You were speaking in riddles. This has nothing to do with gender. It has to do with your failure to communicate your ideas effectively. Thank you for clarifying the deliberate nature of this failure on your part.
lol :lol:

Words, your what now? :lol:

[shimmer728]

Or in the middle. I guess thats where the line gets drawn sometimes.

Hey since women are "the weaker sex," shouldnt you be meeting us on our terms? :evil:

Dude, I can lift 20 times my weight.

Actually, I don't know if that's true, but apparently I like to announce this to random people I meet in bars. Usually while intoxicated.