Serious question

[dengeist]

I know this is the play forum, but this is serious. I'm a black male and I hate to bring up race issues, but I have to because this is what my question deals with.

I recently broke up with my girlfriend since January. The reason I broke up with her? Her father threatend to disown her if she continued to date me. I'm 27 and she's 20 and still in school. Her father threatend to stop paying her tuition and completely isolate her. I feel terrible that this had to happen this way. So my question is, did I do the right thing by breaking up with her?

Here's some background info. She lives in Boston and I live in NJ. I'm a teacher, with my head barely above water. Her parents are very elitist and they look down on my job and see me as a person who isn't going anywhere in life. That alone is a blow to my psyche. We tried to stick it out, the long distance relationship, the race/class issues, etc. In the end, I felt like it wasn't worth her being cut off from her family and forced to live with me because she had no place else to go. Like I said, I'm doing ok financially, but I can't support another person right now. It really stings that I met a person I got along with so well and I had to let it go because of something out of my control.

[lilyflower]

I know this is the play forum, but this is serious. I'm a black male and I hate to bring up race issues, but I have to because this is what my question deal with.

I recently broke up with my girlfriend since January. The reason I broke up with her? Her father threatend to disown her if she continued to date me. I'm 27 and she's 20 and still in school. Her father threatend to stop paying her tuition and completely isolate her. I feel terrible that this had to happen this way. So my question is, did I do the right thing by breaking up with her?

Here's some background info. She lives in Boston and I live in NJ. I'm a teacher, with my head barely above water. Her parents are very elitist and they look down on my job and see me as a person who isn't going anywhere in life. That alone is a blow to my psyche. We tried to stick it out, the long distance relationship, the race/class issues, etc. In the end, I felt like it wasn't worth her being cut off from her family and forced to live with me because she had no place else to go. Like I said, I'm doing ok financially, but I can't support another person right now. It really stings that I met a person I got along with so well and I had to let it go because of something out of my control.


Yeah, I think you did the right thing, as much as it hurts. The long distance thing alone would be a problem, never mind the fact that her father apparently dislikes you, and threatened to disown her. Sometimes these things can be overcome but it seems like you had a lot to deal with in this relationship. It sucks, sometimes that's just how life is though.

[pisces2473]

I agree with Susan...if the girl was older, out of school, etc., maybe it would have worked...but some 20 year olds are YOUNG 20 year olds and aren't that independent. The threat of being cut off and possibly having to leave school are very serious worries for someone. In the end, you did what was best for HER well-being, even though it hurt like hell (and still does). Don't beat yourself up too much, you are a great guy if you cared enough about her to want what was best for her. Hang in there.

[dengeist]

It sucks because I wasn't raised that way at all and I've never had any experience with something like that. It's just a bitter pill to swallow that some people are still that ignorant.
Thanks for the kind words ladies.

[WeirdBrake]

Her parents are very elitist

Well, I don't know if I'd consider them "elitist." When I think of elitist, I think of being smart, educated, and sophisticated and looking down on those who are less so. Her parents sound like ignorant trash. What world are they living in? This kind of crap infuriates the hell out of me. Especially since I can almost guarantee you that they were abusive to her growing up. I mean, if they're threatening to cut her off financially when she's 20... if her father is controlling in such a nasty, unloving way (in addition to being a racist asshole), then I don't even wanna know how he treated her when she was little. Without even knowing this girl, my heart goes out to her.

I'm sorry you and she were met with such an obviously insurmountable obstacle, but I agree with Susan and Pisces that you couldn't have done anything differently. Hang in there.

[WeirdBrake]

By the way, I'm a moderator (as is Pisces), and I just wanted to clarify that the Play forum is for any topic about friends, relationships, sex, and dating. People can and do talk about very serious issues on it.

[dengeist]

Thanks, WB. I'm a newbie, as you can see. I bought the books yesterday, and all I can say is: Thank God a place like this exists! This relationship has really caused me to examine a lot of things and doubt myself in ways I've never imagined before. But, I have both books and this forum, so it's definitely a help.

[lilyflower]

I know that there's sometimes a very big difference in a girl and her parents, but if she's under a certain age/dependent on them in some sort of way - it's very difficult to go against their wishes.

It's not your fault and yes, it sucks, but you really did do the right thing.

[ebruening]

Dengeist - regardless of what the girl's parents think of you, I think you showed a lot of class by putting her well-being before your own. That's the definition of selflessness, at least the way I see it. Oh, and as a fellow teacher, I'm just as offended when people look down on our profession. (I've been in it less than a week, and already I've gotten some snide comments from old friends.) I'm very sorry that you had to deal with her parents' antiquated view of society. You sound like a very caring individual, and I am sure that you will find someone who will appreciate you for who you are.

[dengeist]

Yeah, it was very hard to convince her that it had to end and it wasn't worth pursuing when she had so much to lose.

Well, her father's one of the presidents of Bank of America, her mother's a corporate lawyer and I mostly find that many corporate people like that look down on teachers because it's considered babysitting. But, I've been doing it long enough where the snide remarks kind of fall by the wayside or roll off your back. Wait until people start telling you they wish they were doing what you're doing. It's actually what I set out to do and what I've always wanted to do. Not many people can say that in life.

I know I did the right thing, but it's one of those instances where the right thing feels wrong.

I go back after Labor Day, so I'll have my work to dull the pain a little or at least something to focus on.

I'm starting to date again. I feel like it's a little too soon for that though, especially when the dreaded, "Why are you single?" or "What happened in your last relationship?" questions come up. I don't want to loathe and grieve for too long.

I know I'm doing OK in life. I'm the first person in my family to go to and graduate college and my family is definitely blue collar. It's just a shock that people are like this, particularly people with so much power. Her father was a big proponent for "diversity" for god's sake! To hear him ranting and raving though, it was something that you would see on Jerry Springer. I'll never forget this.

[winneythepooh7]

Wow this sucks. I don't know if it is the right or wrong thing, especially because you never can tell what is going to work out in the future in a relationship. It sounds like from what you described she is going to have problems with whoever comes along because of her parents. If you both decided to pursue this further, is she able to take care of herself if you are not able to help her financially? And what would she do if things didn't work out with you two for other reasons? (ie. distance, change of feelings/compatability, etc.)?

[spokes]

i would also agree that you made the correct decision for now.

I would also say that who knows what the future will bring, perhaps the two of you will reconnect.

Her dad sounds like a j@ck@$$. I don't know why he would look down on a teacher, I doubt that he came out of the womb knowing everything he does today.......someone must have tuahgt him somethng.