Breaking away from family and starting new traditions

[marcy]

I'm actually new to this site. I'm not sure what the proper etiquette is for intoducing oneself. I guess that I'll just jump in and post my question.

I've been married for about a month (living together for about a year). Everything is great for the most part. I love my husband's family. The only problem is that my husband is the oldest grandchild in the family, and also the first grandchild to get married. While my inlaws are perfectly happy to absorb me into all of their family traditions, they don't seem to recognize the fact that a.) I have a family too and we need to spend just as much time with them and b.) My husband and I are own seperate family and we (or perhaps just I) want to start creating our own traditions.

At what point should people break away from their family of origin? Am I being unreasonable for hoping the my husband will start to scale back the amount of time that he spends celebrating holidays with his family? To put things in perspective we get invited to a family party for EVERY holiday (Christmas, Thanksgiving, Valentine's Day, Independence Day, Easter, Halloween). We also celebrate EVERY birthday in his extended family. Often times these holidays need to be celebrated twice. For example, we'll attend a Christmas party for the extended family then celebrate Christmas with the immediate family. We'll celebrate his mom's b-day with the extended family then celebrate it again with his immediate family. In other words, we have a family obligation just about every weekend.

I'm going insane. I really wish that my husband would put up some boundaries and say no from time to time. Unfortunately he suffers from the Disease to Please and can't bare to disappoint anybody. Should I put my foot down and tell him that he is welcome to spend his time how he wishes, but I will be declining some of his mother's invitations?

[tdko]

My wife and I ran into a similar situation. My mom thinks TG is the most important day of the year, even though she usually just makes us all miserable for a few days. One year, my mom gives me this huge guilt trip over coming to TG, even though my older brother and sister were both skipping it (or maybe because...?). She figured maybe 7 or 8 people there total. My in-laws, on the other hand, were having about 40 people over, including lots of out-of-towners. We ended up splitting the day between the two houses--worst idea ever.

You should put your foot down, but you also need to approach the situation with some sensitivity to your husband's need to please. You're going to be married for a long time, so it's better to let his family know early on that you as a couple are not going to be at every single family event. Once you make it clear, they'll accept it. Hey, they'll have to.

For my part, I told my mom (a somewhat strong-willed woman, if you get me) that we'd be deciding all holidays on a case by case basis. I also told her that she couldn't expect me every at TG, but that if she was willing to have an equivalent family dinner on any other day of the year, I would make it my first priority to be there. But as long as she chose to celebrate it on the national holiday, some times we'd be with her and sometimes we'd be with my in-laws. We even invited her to join us at my in-laws, but my mom really wanted to cook and host so she wasn't so excited about that.

[wordsmith]

I'd be interested in people's input on this, because it's a big deal right now in my family.

[marcy]

TDKO,

So you think that it is important for both of us to decline some of the invitations? It isn't my natural instinct to prevent my husband from doing anything, but I can understand why it would be important to present a united front.

[steph78]

Wow, that is a lot of family get-togethers!

I am also married, coming up on the three-year mark, so I can identify with some of this. We live within about a ten minute drive of my husband's two brothers and their wives. We are at least five hundred miles away from both our sets of parents. I also really like his family, but I do sometimes feel bombarded by the requests to do stuff with his brothers and sisters-in-law all the time, and I remember I was REALLY sad the first Christmas we spent down here away from my family.

Would it help if you were proactive and set up some activities for just you and your husband ahead of time? That has helped me - when I was fresh out of grad school and had no job and no money I was always free whenever they invited us to anything, so they would invite us to stuff like ALL THE TIME. Now that we have been living here awhile and have branched out and have plans of our own a lot more often on the weekends, we are not able to go to every single dinner outing with them, but do still get together for the important events. I find that I enjoy hanging out with his family a lot more now - it may be partly just that enough time has elapsed that I feel more comfortable, or that seeing them less often helps me actually enjoy getting together with them rather than groaning about it.

Also, we alternate holidays between our families (I hope you are at least doing that!). But next year when we move to a new state and have our own house we may opt to start our own Thanksgiving celebration at our house. I'm sure you guys may end up doing something that is YOUR own as your marriage develops a little.

I know it's hard. It's always awkward in the beginning, don't worry.

[marcy]

Also, we alternate holidays between our families (I hope you are at least doing that!).


We don't alternate. Either we spend the holiday just with his family or we split the holiday with both families. (We have the terrible misfortune of living just far away from our in-laws to make getting together a pain in the ass, and just close enough to have no viable excuse for missing the visits altogether.) The primary problem is that my parents are totally laid back and have their own life. There is no way they are getting together for a family Halloween party. We don't even celebrate Easter together. I like it that way. They have their life. We have ours. This year I might get desperate and start pressuring my parents to invite us over for holidays just so that we have an excuse to avoid his side.

Oh, and another thing. His mother is VERY accomodating. If we aren't available for a family get together on a certain night then she will go to great pains to reschedule the event. It isn't like we can just say "Oh, we already have plans for Sunday". We have to say "We already have plans for Sunday and don't bother trying to reschedule because we don't really want to go either".

urg. It is so f'ing complicated.

[tina1979]

Well while I was maried, we split the time. our families both lived in the same general vicinity so for half the day we spent it at one family and the other half at the other family. Then again we also started rearrainging things as well. Like his family would have the big dinner on christmas day, but mine would have it on christmas eve. that kind of thing.

[tdko]

So you think that it is important for both of us to decline some of the invitations? It isn't my natural instinct to prevent my husband from doing anything, but I can understand why it would be important to present a united front.
Well, I'm going on the assumption that your husband is suffering from the same sort of problems that I did. That might be incorrect, but from the way you describe it I think it's safe.

Your husband has to learn that he needs to refuse invitations from his family. It's not his desire to be with his family that's the problem, just that they can't always be the first priority for holidays. By refusing to go yourself, you're just giving him the opportunity to take the easy way out. Make him put your feelings first.

Once he's established the boundaries with his family, then you two are free to make whatever decisions are best for both of you. What happens when you have a kid and both families insist of seeing you at Christmas? If you've established a pattern of capitulation, that might cause some conflicts further down the road. And maybe some day you'll want to go to Europe instead of your family's house. What then?

[steph78]

Well, what did you do for holidays BEFORE you got married? Spent them with your parents? I feel like YOU shouldn't be the one forced to change everything just because his family is bigger/closer. Maybe you should ask your parents to invite you over for holidays more!

I think this is just a hard phase as we have to sort of figure out our own traditions. Right now we are at that age where everyone invites us to everything because we don't have our own house or our own kids and so we end up just doing marathon traveling for holidays and sleeping in people's guest rooms which is stressful enough without adding in the whole angst of a new marriage and it being someone else's family with different traditions than you're used to! The older generation is lucky - they get to do stuff at their own houses and have people come to them. Last year my sister-in-law had a baby the week of thanksgiving so I ended up cooking the turkey dinner for twelve people and our mother-in-law stayed with us rather than with the brother that has kids like she usually does...and I had the best time! Because I was "in charge" and stayed really busy, the weekend flew by and I enjoyed myself more than I had at any other holidays with his family rather than feeling awkward/out of place.

[wordsmith]

We always split time growing up. My dad's side on Christmas Eve, my mom's side on Christmas day. Thanksgiving midday on my mom's side, evening meal on my dad's side. Same for Easter. One side was local, the other about 20 miles away.

Now that my brother is married, (and for the past several years of living with his now-wife), it's become an issue, because it's been a gradual breaking away from coming to his side of the family for stuff at all. They for the most part either go to her family's stuff, or don't do anything at all. It's a major source of hurt. I think my parents would even be fine with alternating (they're here for Thanksgiving, but not Christmas, etc.). But it's looking more and more like he's weaning away from the family entirely. It makes family gatherings so much fun to have my mom sad.

[steph78]

My childhood was a lot the same - my parents went to high school together and then settled in a town only about 45 minutes away so all my grandparents were really close when I was little. My mom's parents would come to OUR house for Christmas Eve and spend the night, and then the next day we'd all (including Grandma and Grandpa) go spend Christmas Day with my dad's side of the family at my other grandparents' house. My mom was an only child so her parents just kind of got absorbed into all of my dad's family traditions rather than having separate celebrations at their own house. My parents were so lucky! So it's really hard for me now to have to alternate after growing up with everyone all together.

[marcy]

Now that my brother is married, (and for the past several years of living with his now-wife), it's become an issue, because it's been a gradual breaking away from coming to his side of the family for stuff at all. They for the most part either go to her family's stuff, or don't do anything at all. It's a major source of hurt. I think my parents would even be fine with alternating (they're here for Thanksgiving, but not Christmas, etc.). But it's looking more and more like he's weaning away from the family entirely. It makes family gatherings so much fun to have my mom sad.

See, this is what I'm worried about. I don't want to be the evil wife who is tearing the beloved son away from his family. (Not that you described your SIL like that Wordsmith.) I guess that I'm just stressed out because I know this is going to be hard and that there are going to be some hurt feelings involved. Plus keep in mind the fact that my husband isn't particularly motivated to put a stop to this. During the car ride up to his parent's house he complains a bit, but it must not bother him too much because he keeps agreeing to go. My biggest fear is that I'm going to continue to "go along to get along" (like I've been doing for the past 2 years of dating) and eventually completely blow up because I'm so utterly fed up. I don't want him to feel like I'm rejecting his family, but come on, there are limits.

[tdko]

I don't want to be the evil wife who is tearing the beloved son away from his family. My biggest fear is that I'm going to continue to "go along to get along" (like I've been doing for the past 2 years of dating) and eventually completely blow up because I'm so utterly fed up.
Then don't. Address the situation now, calmly, and make him understand. It's not that you want him to skip all of his family's events, just that you want more time with your family, or not with his. Don't let it get to the boiling point.

[wordsmith]

If you're compromising, I don't see why there would be an issue.

[marcy]

Well I finally had the big talk with my husband. It did not go well. He basically said that he has to go to all those family parties and that saying no is not an option. When, I insisted that saying no is, in fact, very much an option he said "well I'm not going to do that". That is when things turned ugly. I told him how angry I was that he wasn't putting my feelings into consideration. I told him how utterly pissed off I was that he was 100% unwilling to compromise. I told him flat out that I'm not just automatically going to spend every Christmas with his family. He said "well maybe things will change once we have a family of our own". This really angered me because we aren't planning to have kids and as far as I'm concerned he and I are already a family of our own. The conversation ended when he said that I am free to do whatever I want, but he is going to continue to go to all of the parties. So what happens next? Am I just screwed? I feel like I've been given a life sentence.

[paiger81]

Ok, I'm from one of those families that has gatherings for everything. My cousins range at 42,31, 29, 27,27,26, me(24), 22,22 . Once the older ones got married & started going to other events.....our family gatherings fell apart. It really sucked. This year it was officially announced that we are not going to have ANY gatherings because everyone has their own families now.

I'd say for right now, let your hubbie go to these events, in time I can near promise you that you will have time for your side of the family soon.

[jrwilheim]

Maybe you should discuss the situation with your parents-in-law, tell them that you like being included in their family celebrations, etc., but also want to make sure that you and your husband have time to spend with your family. You might consider a program of alternating years for holidays, so that it's clear whose "turn" it is for each holiday, or alternating holidays (your husband's family gets you for Thanksgiving, but you go to your family for Christmas...next year do the reverse). The most important thing is to be honest but gentle and make it clear that you love your in-laws but also want to retain your connection with your own family of origin and start your own traditions within your newly formed family.

[wordsmith]

Of course, if your husband REALLY doesn't want to do that, all the compromising in the world with his family is going to be pointless, because he'll really want to be with them.

[marcy]

Well it is important to note the fact that I'm not longing to spend more time with my own family. I don't particularly like spending time with my family. I would prefer to take some time away from his family in order to start some new traditions that include just the two of us. However, my husband does not feel that this is an option. He said "Well as long as we live near by we're going to have to go to this stuff". When I told him that he could easily tell his mother that he is a married man now and, therefore, wants to start some new traditions with his wife, he looked at me like I had two heads growing out of my neck. I think the problem is that he doesn't feel justified in breaking away from his family of origin. I think that he's worries that he would be breaking the unspoken rules. Ug. It just sucks.

[marcy]

Ok, I'm from one of those families that has gatherings for everything. My cousins range at 42,31, 29, 27,27,26, me(24), 22,22 . Once the older ones got married & started going to other events.....our family gatherings fell apart. It really sucked. This year it was officially announced that we are not going to have ANY gatherings because everyone has their own families now.

I'd say for right now, let your hubbie go to these events, in time I can near promise you that you will have time for your side of the family soon.

I know that you're right Paige. This nonsense obviously can't go on forever. It is just TOO MUCH. However, I predict that it will be years before the next grandchild gets married. Most of my husband's cousins are quite a bit younger. Hell, his own sister is only 12 years old! I feel like I got the shaft because I happened to marry the oldest grandchild. I'm putting in all the hard labor so that eventually other spouses can enjoy the spoils. Oh how I wish that my husband's family was as disconnected and unhealthy as my own! :evil:

[paiger81]

I'm actually intrigued as to why y'all didn't discuss this issue before you got married.

I mean, Kirk & I discussed this the first holiday season that we were bf/gf...his family gets Thanksgiving, I get Christmas.

[samender]

The way it has worked for me is this. I go to my family's events and he goes to his. And then we try to also attend eachother's for major ones like Xmas or a bday. And if something falls on a different day and it works we might go to that as well. We have a pretty independent relationship in the sense that I probably go out just as often with him as I do without. So holidays between eachother are not a problem. It seems that over the years holidays have become more important just because we dont see our families as much as we like.

[wordsmith]

I don't mean to make you upset or tell you you're not right to feel the way you do, but I want to offer a perspective. I think I would probably be a lot like your husband, actually. Reason being that, to me, holidays are family time. Not just family with a spouse, but whole family, spouse included. If my SO felt the same about his family, fine, that's great, we'd alternate or make some kind of tradeoff arrangement. But I'd definitely prefer spending holidays with as much of the family as possible. That's what it means to me, that's what's important to me. Faced with the choice between spending a special day with just my SO, or with my SO and my whole family, I'd choose the latter. It wouldn't mean that I didn't want to do things with my SO or that it wasn't important to me to have traditions with my SO. You can still have traditions with your husband, even if your holidays involve traveling to be with his family, right? I agree with Kelly. Just because he's married, that doesn't mean he's going to value time with his family less, or replace time with them with time with just the two of you on your own. The two will have to coexist.

[marcy]

I agree that we should have discussed this before we married. While we were dating he complained a lot about all of the family parties so I assumed that he was motivated to change. In retrospect I should have had a more specific conversation. I've always known that the number one biggest mistake a couple can make is expecting the other person to change after the wedding. DER. :googly:

I hear what you are saying WS. The two will definitely have to coexist. I think that I'm just experiencing some growing pains. Like I said before, I've spent years extricating myself from my own family so it feels weird to all of a sudden have all these family obligations. I'm used to being on my own. Oh well. Marriage is full of compromises right? I guess that I'll just have to learn to live with it.

[shimmer728]

Growing up, we always alternated holidays--if we went to see my dad's family for Christmas, we saw my mom's family on Thanksgiving. Then the following year, we did exactly the opposite. I guess it always worked out OK, but my parents can always find a reason to start bitching about each other's families, so there's no escaping that. :googly:

Last Thanksgiving, I skipped the family celebration and spent the day with my BF, who otherwise would have spent it alone. He has a severe dog phobia, and I couldn't bring him to my aunt's or grandmother's because of it. My parents didn't give me any shit then, but I sure got a nice, old-fashioned Catholic guilt trip at Easter. Luckily, the BF is a Jewish atheist, so he doesn't give a crap about Easter anyway. ;)

Holidays suck ass once you get older.

[wordsmith]

I hear what you are saying WS. The two will definitely have to coexist. I think that I'm just experiencing some growing pains. Like I said before, I've spent years extricating myself from my own family so it feels weird to all of a sudden have all these family obligations. I'm used to being on my own. Oh well. Marriage is full of compromises right? I guess that I'll just have to learn to live with it.

I think you're probably right...you've severed ties in many ways from your family, from how it sounds, and it's probably hard to remember that that's not something it sounds like your husband is interested in doing. It is about the compromise, you're right. Would it help to remember that you still CAN have your own plans and traditions and "you" time? Just maybe not always on the day of?

[steph78]

Would it help to remember that you still CAN have your own plans and traditions and "you" time? Just maybe not always on the day of?

My husband and I have several holiday traditions that we have started that originated before we got married - they are all things that we do BEFORE the actual holiday because before we were married we were always apart on holidays (me with my family, he with his). The weekend before Thanksgiving we cook an all-out Thanksgiving turkey with all the fixin's and invite our close friends over to share in the "pre-thanksgiving festivities", complete with college football and cranberries. In college this was a very small affair (just his roommates and mine), but it has grown into a large potluck dinner...this year will be our seventh year of doing it and we are anticipating around 20 people crammed into our apt. (last year I cooked a 20 lb. turkey and there were not really any leftovers :eek: ) It's really fun to share an experience like this with friends who you don't usually get to see on actual holidays. And the two of us hosting this party together really gives us something to look forward to every year and actually feels more like the "real" holiday to me than when we go over to my in-law's place for dinner on the actual Thanksgiving Day.

Maybe you could start something like this with your husband (while maybe not on this scale, we are kind of nuts!!) to give you more of a feeling of "ownership" for each holiday...that is not the right word but what I mean is something that you more actively plan in addition to the obligatory family events if that makes sense. And it doesn't have to be the actual day of, it can be before.

[paiger81]

Luckily, the BF is a Jewish atheist, so he doesn't give a crap about Easter anyway. ;)

Heehee, that's how I got Christmas to be spent with my family. Kirk was raised Jehovah Witness, it was like "Dude, your family doesn't even BELIEVE in holidays, give me Christmas!" :p

[red]

obviously, i don't know all the ins and outs of your situation, but i think you should let him go to some of these events alone. you don't have to go to everything. and don't "go along to get along" if you are secretly resenting it the whole time. that will just create resentment in your relationship, and i think in the long run that's worse.

i've been married 2 years. my ILs are the same way as your husband's family. they make a lot of demands on us and it's been something we've had to negotiate. honestly, i think it's true that people don't change when they get married. but what's to say that they change when they have kids? i have a friend who has smothering parents and it's gotten much worse since they had a baby.

2 of my SILs have kids and they are still totally enmeshed with the family. you both need to compromise. i mean, i think there are some good ideas here about how to make your own time for each other and still spend the big holidays with the family. but i'm with you when it comes to things like Valentine's day. you should be able to spend V-day with your husband alone!

of course no two situations are alike, but i think the first year of marriage is the hardest because of all of these kinds of issues. my husband is busy with work, so he takes care of setting the boundaries with his family. we alternate the big holidays (t-giving, xmas, easter, mother's day, father's day) and the rest (new year's, 4th of july, memorial day, and labor day/our anniversary) are ours. we have a nice new tradition for "our" family of going away for labor day/our anniversary. you two are a family now.

if you can't work things out between you two, you might want to consider talking it over with a spiritual advisor/counselor. we had a really rough time after we got married when my husband lost his job, and counseling helped us a lot. we are much stronger as a couple now and communicate better.

good luck!

[pisces2473]

I think you should just go to the major holidays...and the birthdays if you can. I can't believe people throw parties for all of these holidays. My friend's MIL does that (St. Patrick's Day party, Flag Day party, etc), and they just go to the ones they can. She's a lot like your MIL, Marcy.

I'm not married or engaged yet, but it's already going to be tough splitting holidays because it's really important to see my family, but my BF has like no family (dad, grandma and brother). His grandmother won't go to anyone else's home, even though my mom has made it abundantly clear that C's family is more than welcome in their home. I guess we'll see how things go this Thanksgiving. Last year, C was too sick to travel, so I split up my day.

[wordsmith]

Red!!! How have you been?? It's freakin' old home week on the QLC boards! Nice to see you!

[SillyDreamer]

Sounds familiar. So many friends have gone through this.

This is actually the one post i've read today that i guess i've been blessed enough NOT to have dealt with myself. I always had an understanding family and understanding in laws.

This family sounds extreme. Christmas and thanksgiving OK..MAYBE easter, mother's day, I dunno. But ALL birthdays, twice!? That's overboard. I can't remember the last time my family celebrated a birthday. You totally need to put your foot down. And ask your husband to politely support you.

One family for christmas, the other for thanksgiving is nice. or one christmas eve and the other christmas day. You don't need to go to all the birthdays. If they are for someone important (ie. your husband, his mom), then go JUST to the immediate family one. If he wants to attend both parties for his second cousin one generation removed he can probably fly solo.

And yes, it is reasonable to want to start your own traditions. Realistically, people will probably lay off and let you do that on your own more when and if you have your own children. Maybe you start going away to the beach together each july fourth?

[red]

another thing i thought of is that sometimes this kind of "consolidating the family" thing is worse after a big change (like your marriage). my ILs were super demanding after we got married, but now they aren't as bad. your husband is their oldest kid, right? so they might be afraid of losing him, which makes them act even more needy. once they get used to the idea, they may chill out a little.

btw, Hi wordsmith! I'm doing well, thanks. Hope things are ok with you.

[marcy]

You totally need to put your foot down. And ask your husband to politely support you.

One family for christmas, the other for thanksgiving is nice. or one christmas eve and the other christmas day. You don't need to go to all the birthdays. If they are for someone important (ie. your husband, his mom), then go JUST to the immediate family one. If he wants to attend both parties for his second cousin one generation removed he can probably fly solo.



I already asked my husband to support me. I told him that I would be happy to attend some of the family parties but that I'd like for us to cut back on some of the more obscure get togethers (i.e. cousin's b-days, etc.). I'm not delusional. Of course I realize that we're going to spend holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother's Day with extended family, but ya'll have to admit that family Valentine's Day parties are a bit over the top. He basically told me that I am shit out of luck and that I can refuse any invitation that I want, but he is going to go. He also said that he is not going to lie or make excuses for me so how he expects me to get out of these things I'm not sure. More than anything I'm afraid of appearing anti-social if I do start to skip some of this stuff. This whole situation would be a lot easier if we could present a united front.

I'm totally open to the idea of couples counseling. My husband would probably be receptive to that idea as well. Although I have to say that this is really our only problem. The other 99% of the time we get along great.

[kimmer23]

well its nice to celebrate the big ones with family (christmas, easter, thanksgiving). since both of our families are so close in distance we usually do lunch at alan's family and dinner at mine. but to celebrate st pattys day, valentines and halloween with the family is downright silly if you ask me! as far as st patty's day and halloween are concerned, those are ones i would spend with my friends at a party or having some drinks somewhere. valentines would be reserved for the SO. unless your inlaws are crazy party people, i cant imagine spending st patty's day with my in laws!

[wordsmith]

The BEST St. Paddy's Day parties are with my family! We're all about the shenanigans.

[marcy]

Well in my inlaw's defense we don't actually celebrate most holidays on the official day. For example, Halloween and Valentine's Day parties usually take place about a week before.