Motherhood Gene

[marcy]

I've been doing some research on childfree living. My husband and I are 26 and 28 years old. We're happily married and have no desire what so ever to have children - ever. I was beginning to think that there might be something wrong with me. I've often joked that I'm missing the "motherhood gene". Well little did I know how appropriate my words were. I came across this (http://www.guardian.co.uk/women/story/0,3604,1016062,00.html) article today. It turns out that there really might be a motherhood gene that some women are born without. I feel such a sense of relief.

Excerpt:

What she discovered was that choice, not motherhood, is the real key to happiness. Cain has come to believe that lack of interest in childbearing might be biological, like being gay. "Researchers have found that within mice there is a gene, the Mest gene. When it was in place in a mouse, and the mouse gave birth, it was a nurturing mother. When the mouse was Mest-deficient, it was a non-nurturing mouse. I think down the line we're going to discover that just as homosexuality is something that's physical, the same thing will be discovered about women. Why do some women melt at the sight of babies while other women are indifferent? It would seem to me it's something innate."

That is why Cain says women who do not want kids should ignore the well-meaning advice they're often bombarded with. "Don't second-guess yourself," she says. "Trust your instincts."

[WeirdBrake]

No one has the right to pass judgment on anyone else's decision to have or not have children. I think it's rude, tasteless, condescending, and totally inappropriate to condemn another person's choice in this matter. Many people could stand to worry a little more about their own lifestyles and less about other people's.

Incidentally, I don't want to have children, either. And I'm a guy.

[bridgetjones]

Is there a chromosome that makes most women koo-koo about wedding planning? Apparently I am missing that gene. :p

[shimmer728]

Interesting. I actually heard that article cited on a radio program this morning.

I'm 25, and don't feel any desire to have children, either. I don't know why. I get the impression that a lot of women who don't want kids are called selfish. As the others have said, it's a personal decision and nobody has the right to comment on the one you've made.

[shimmer728]

Is there a chromosome that makes most women koo-koo about wedding planning? Apparently I am missing that gene. :p

Me too. I do have the "I can't wait to get drunk and see hot naked strippers dance at my bachelorette party" gene. :p

[Kitty]

I often feel weird because I have no desire to have kids and never have had that desire. I keep waiting for it to set in - but still nothing.

[marcy]

Is there a chromosome that makes most women koo-koo about wedding planning? Apparently I am missing that gene. :p

Haha. I'm missing that gene as well. Wedding planning felt like absolute torture to me. Thank God that is over!

[Kitty]

Haha. I'm missing that gene as well. Wedding planning felt like absolute torture to me. Thank God that is over!

I don't even want a wedding. I would rather get married in Vegas by Elvis than have anything remotely close to a traditional wedding.

[shimmer728]

I don't even want a wedding. I would rather get married in Vegas by Elvis than have anything remotely close to a traditional wedding.

I get really freaked out at the idea of being stared at by a large group of people, so I understand your sentiments.

[Kitty]

I get really freaked out at the idea of being stared at by a large group of people, so I understand your sentiments.

Part of it for me is that I am not fake at all. I am extremely blunt and sarcastic and I can't even be fake if I try. I just woudn't want to have to deal with being all cheerful and making small talk with everyone and being a hostess. I never know all those polite things you're supposed to do or say...and it just sounds like hell.

[k.monster]

Speaking as someone who eloped (at waaay to young an age) I have to say that the only thing I missed out on were the presents. Lame as that sounds, it would have been nice to get all those cool new gagets that I had to buy myself. I guess I could have had a reception, but even *that* felt like too much.

Edit: I do want kids someday, so I don't think that the marriage/wedding thing is tied to that.

[marcy]

I got married a month ago. I had a relatively traditional wedding with 100 guests because it was important to my mother and my husband. All in all it was most definitely NOT worth it. Yes, the presents are great, but the wedding planning was definitely more work than I ever could have predicted. I'm a big big fan of elopements.

(Shimmer, standing up in front of an audience while baring your soul is every bit as awkward as it sounds. Yet another reason why I recommend eloping.)

[wordsmith]

I adore the celebratory aspect of the wedding, and also look forward to planning a personally meaningful ceremony, should that ever come to pass.

[bridgetjones]

My parents have told me that they would be very unhappy if I eloped so I will not elope I am afraid. Dang. Thank you brother... :frustrate I do not care if it is just them and the SOs parents. It would be preferable to have a small wedding.

Word you also have the mommy gene. Is it connected with the wedding planning gene? I think I could not have kids and be ok. I do not like them really. Hmm... Then there is the have sex without feelings gene. Dang. I do not have that one. :redface:

[shimmer728]

My parents would be thrilled if I eloped. It would save them a lot of money.

However, I am very interested in presents.

[Kitty]

I don't even care about presents...

[bridgetjones]

I prefer cash.

[wordsmith]

Word you also have the mommy gene.

Yup, always been very maternal. So true. I am the Earth Mother.

[marcy]

I'm absolutely fascinated by people who have "always known they want to be a parent". What does that feel like? I think that I've spent a good portion of my life trying to talk myself into wanting things that otherwise would not come naturally. Take the whole wedding for example. I kept telling myself that it is good that I'm having a wedding because if I don't I might regret it later. I also tried to convince myself that after it was all said and done I'd realize that it was worth all the work. Well turns out that I should have followed my instincts from the beginning. I think that I learned a good lesson. I certainly should not have a baby because people keep telling me that I'll regret it if I don't. And I also shouldn't have a baby because I expect to feel differently about the kid after it arrives. This has been very informative. :)

[wordsmith]

I'm absolutely fascinated by people who have "always known they want to be a parent". What does that feel like?

I'm not sure it's really explainable to somebody who doesn't feel it. Much the same way it's probably not possible for you to fully be able to explain to me how it feels to know you for sure don't want kids, and for me to understand what that must feel like.

[k.monster]

I never liked kids either but then my sis gave birth to MY niece! Man I LOVE her to pieces. The best thing to have happened to me this year. She is MY niece before she is HER daughter. Thats what I always tell her.

:D

No doubt! Nieces rock. Just wait until they're old enough to call. My brother has my number on speed dial and I get the greatest phone messages in that adorable little voice!! "Aunt Katty ..... mommy made jello and I ate it"

[kimmer23]

i always say that i'll probably just have 1 child and it wont be until i am at least 30. i'll be 27 in a few months and i really dont yet have the urge to have children. i am not a big kid person to begin with. i am totally anal, love my quiet time and have never been the maternal type. i can only stand being around my niece and nephew for so long (my husband's brother and sisters kids). they are messy and loud and i dont want my cats being disturbed! they like their quiet time too! i know being loud and messy is part of being a kid, but i just cant stand it a lot of times.

does anyone else feel like a child is a lot of hassel?

[wordsmith]

I don't believe in the mommy gene any more than I believe in the nose-picking gene.

True. I'm not sure all personal preferences can be pinned on genetics. And I'm not discounting the validity of not wanting to be a parent. I firmly believe that not everyone SHOULD be a parent.

[wordsmith]

P.S. Sorry, old school...I accidentally edited your post instead of quoting it. My bad as a mod. Whoopsie. Did I put it back right?

[cornflakegirl]

I get really freaked out at the idea of being stared at by a large group of people, so I understand your sentiments.

me too shimmer. that is probably the number one reason why i never wanted to get married, well a wedding.

[shimmer728]

I always joke that being with my BF has reaffirmed my feeling that I'm just not mom material. Sometimes I feel like I'm taking care of a child, especially when we travel. :p

[WeirdBrake]

Once again, WeirdBrake's Law shows itself: Any thread on QLC in which Allison exchanges more than several posts with another member will inevitably lead to making fun of me.

[cornflakegirl]

and to respond to the op, i am not sure if i believe the gene theory or not. i'll wait until there are more studies before i decide.

i wish more people put careful thought into having children. not everyone makes a good parent, but even more than that, not everyone wants to be a parent. s/he should not feel the need to fold under pressure from family or society. i counseled a 37 year old woman yesterday who is a year shy of getting her phD in family & child therapy. she told me how her mother had made her feel so guilty for not having children. once, when she was describing some research that she was involved in, her mother stopped her mid sentence to ask if she was ever going to have kids. because if not, she wants to know now so that she can stop hoping. this woman can''t see how motivated & ambitious her daughter is, all she sees is the possibility of grandkids. i can't imagine how frustrating that must feel.

i have always thought that i would like kids, but recently i have really begun to realize that i have an option to not have children. i have been imagining what my life, bank account, traveling would look like. i don't think it is selfish at all. what i think is selfish is having children because you can & then not being able to emotionally & financially care for them. that is beyond selfish. i love kids & i adore my nephews, but i am going to give it a lot of thought before i decide either way.

[shimmer728]

and to respond to the op, i am not sure if i believe the gene theory or not. i'll wait until there are more studies before i decide.

i wish more people put careful thought into having children. not everyone makes a good parent, but even more than that, not everyone wants to be a parent. s/he should not feel the need to fold under pressure from family or society. i counseled a 37 year old woman yesterday who is a year shy of getting her phD in family & child therapy. she told me how her mother had made her feel so guilty for not having children. once, when she was describing some research that she was involved in, her mother stopped her mid sentence to ask if she was ever going to have kids. because if not, she wants to know now so that she can stop hoping. this woman couldn't she how motivated & ambitious her daughter is, all she sees is the possibility of grandkids. i can't imagine how frustrating that must be.

i have always thought that i would like kids, but recently i have really begun to realize that i have an option to not have children. i have been imagining what my life, bank account, traveling would look like. i don't think it is selfish at all. what i think is selfish is having children because you can & then not being able to emotionally & financially care for them. that is beyond selfish. i love kids & i adore my nephews, but i am going to give it a lot of thought before i decide either way.

This is a great post.

Too many women who would prefer to remain childless are made to feel as if they are selfish and/or immature for their choice.......and that is a damn shame.

[wordsmith]

i wish more people put careful thought into having children. not everyone makes a good parent, but even more than that, not everyone wants to be a parent... what i think is selfish is having children because you can & then not being able to emotionally & financially care for them. that is beyond selfish.

I agree with this.

[k.monster]

I think you would be hard pressed to find anyone who didn't agree with that. I remember a while back someone (midtwenty?? one of the pregnant women) was talking about a message board where all these teenage girls were talking about how much they wanted their babies, and they would have someone to love, etc. When I hear things like that I get so angry. Having a child without any viable means of supporting it (not just financially, a lot of us grew up poor and it didn't really hurt us, but emotionally as well) is one of the worst things you can do. IMHO.

[wordsmith]

While I think my parents were and are phenomenal parents, growing up poor sucks a lot. But at least we had emotional security, if not financial.

[steph78]

I remember a while back someone (midtwenty?? one of the pregnant women) was talking about a message board where all these teenage girls were talking about how much they wanted their babies, and they would have someone to love, etc. When I hear things like that I get so angry. Having a child without any viable means of supporting it (not just financially, a lot of us grew up poor and it didn't really hurt us, but emotionally as well) is one of the worst things you can do. IMHO.

I read an article somewhere about teen pregnancy recently, and it said that some of the girls wanted to have babies for the sole reason that they wanted someone to love THEM, not the other way around! Because they didn't feel loved by their boyfriends, parents, etc., they thought having a baby would fill this void in their life. This made me sad, I can just see that cycle going on for generations in these families.

I am definitely someone who wants to have children of my own, actually in the near future, but I think it is a lot more likely that my baby will love me back if I wait to have one until I make sure I can provide a stable environment for it!

[diesel]

and to respond to the op, i am not sure if i believe the gene theory or not. i'll wait until there are more studies before i decide.

i wish more people put careful thought into having children. not everyone makes a good parent, but even more than that, not everyone wants to be a parent. s/he should not feel the need to fold under pressure from family or society. i counseled a 37 year old woman yesterday who is a year shy of getting her phD in family & child therapy. she told me how her mother had made her feel so guilty for not having children. once, when she was describing some research that she was involved in, her mother stopped her mid sentence to ask if she was ever going to have kids. because if not, she wants to know now so that she can stop hoping. this woman can''t see how motivated & ambitious her daughter is, all she sees is the possibility of grandkids. i can't imagine how frustrating that must feel.

i have always thought that i would like kids, but recently i have really begun to realize that i have an option to not have children. i have been imagining what my life, bank account, traveling would look like. i don't think it is selfish at all. what i think is selfish is having children because you can & then not being able to emotionally & financially care for them. that is beyond selfish. i love kids & i adore my nephews, but i am going to give it a lot of thought before i decide either way.

That is a great post. I'd also like to add that I've seen women who really didn't want to have kids become pregnant and the "motherhood gene" never really kicked in. And they might not be abusing or neglecting the kids but you can see their attitude towards them is resentful at best.

For me I always wavered abuot wanting kids. It was only in the last couple of years that I decided I really wanted to be a mom. Now I can't wait for my little one to get here. I'm not sure I agree yet that there is a gene for motherhood, but I definitely believe you have the inclination or you don't. And no one should be made to feel bad for either choice.