Confused.. lost..

[draygen]

Hello all,

My first post! yay..here goes, i'm not good at this but need to break some tension.. :razz:

Well, I'm 25 ..male.. I have 2 children with 1 on the way. I have a little angel son 4 years old from an ex-girlfriend. And I have a 2 year old daughter/one on the way from my current relationship. I love them both very much, and they are pretty much what keeps me going every day.

But what I do.. Is a different story..

I'm a laptop technician for a small company here in Massachusetts, I'm soon to be the manager of the company I work for (i hope) since my boss is moving back to our headquarters in another state, and i have seniority over everyone else in the ofifce. I make a decent living right now at around 39k a year, which for me isn't bad considering the fact that I'm an 8th grade drop-out that was convinced to be doomed a lonley virgin with no job for many years.. That all changed very fast.. I've always been into what I do and actually enjoy my job for the most part, I love taking something that is broken and then make it work.

The downside is: My sons mother (ex-girlfriend) nailed my arse to the wall and took me to court for childsupport regardless of the fact that I was paying her weekly since the day my son was born.
I was ordered to pay $90 a week for childsupport (which is only slightly more then i was paying anyway and agree it is a fair amount) and I was also forced to provide health-insurance for my son.. Which unfortunately is NOT cheap through my company, it costs me about 30% of my monthly income alone... I have yet to find anything on my own that is cheaper..

My current girlfriend doesn't work, doesn't clean ... doesn't do anything at all right now other then take care of my daughter while I work during the day, and when I come home i'm asked to do various errands since she doesnt have a drivers license or car.... we're not intimate at ALL, we havent even slept in the same bed for over 9 months (except for the one time it took to get her pregnant ... go figure) we don't have sex (also except for that one time)..

I'm beginning to feel like everything is falling apart, and I feel a bit lost.. I know I need to keep going for my kids, and they are really the only reason I'm here.. I'm not the best daddy in the world , i've made tons of mistakes already.. but I feel that if I can *AT LEAST* provide for all of my kids financially , for as long as it takes, then i've done better then my own father..... unfortunately... this doesn't seem to be enough.. I need to work, cook, clean, run errands etc. etc. and still keep my girlfriend/ex-girlfriend happy so i can continue to see my children....

I'm staying with my pregnant girlfriend, for the sole reason to see my live-in daughter every day without "visitation" .. its hard enough only getting my son on the weekends, i couldn't imagine doing it with all of my kids , including the one on the way, I love them all the same.

What am I doing?? What should I do?? Should I stay here for my kids and be in an unhappy relationship?? But be happy with the fact that I get to see my kids everyday and help make important decisions in their lives?? Or should I leave, see them on the weekends, pay out childsupport which is hardly enough to make a big difference in their lives? :confused:

Sorry for the long post, I've never shared these thoughts or even posted on a message board..

But now its time for bed, work in the morning!! Take care all!

[wordsmith]

I just wanted to say hey and welcome to the boards...I hope that you find it to be a helpful place with good advice.

I won't bullshit you...I can't even pretend to know how best to deal with the stuff you're facing right now, so I won't try to give advice that would just be me blabbing about stuff I don't know. I do know that we have some single parents on the boards, though, who may be more help than I.

What I can do, is give a few observations...take them as you will, bearing in mind that I don't have the faintest clue what it's like to be in your situation. I'm really sorry that health insurance for your son is gouging you so badly...although you're obligated to take care of his needs, it sucks that it's taking such an huge bite out of your livelihood to do so. I really hate insurance and how it screws so many people just trying to get by.

It also sounds to me like there isn't any good reason for maintaining a relationship with your current girlfriend. In all honesty, it doesn't SOUND like you really are. You're just thrust together, it seems there's no relationship, at least no positive relationship there. I can appreciate how it is to realize that you're going to be looking at child support and custody issues for another family of kids as well as your son, but in all honesty, how long can you see yourself staying with somebody for those reasons alone?

I'm sorry you have so much to deal with. But I suspect that if you care, as you seem to from this post, that you'll be able to be there for your kids in ways that count. You don't have to resign yourself to a life that there's no point in being in to be there for your kids.

I wish I had more helpful advice. But perhaps others will.

[draygen]

thanks for the reply! Your exactly right about our relationship, we are pretty much just in this relationship to keep me in the picture.. .she keeps me around (although throws me out on every argument) so I can do the errands and take care of what she can't... I stick around so my daughter can see daddy everyday, and I can see my little girl..

I know I'm headed for failure trying to keep whats left of our relationship going, mainly just for my kids.. But I guess I'm scared to DEATH about the consequence of leaving.... Not so much the $$ portion of it, if i have more kids, i'll work more jobs, i'll find more money.. my dad was a dead-beat, I absolutely refuse to be the same ..

I need to figure out how it will effect my kids..I need to know if they'll ever understand why i left, if i leave, without sticking around long enough to cause damage with the constant fighting with my girlfriend.

It's tricky... I care immensly for my kids, and seeing how my father failed by not paying child support for my single mom of 3 kids, and maybe seeing me once a month if i were lucky.. i'm not even sure that seeing them every weekend if thats enough for them to REALLY feel like I'm there for them.. and leaving could actually put more of a strain on me, paying the $90 a week *3 kids with health insurance/non-working mothers makes it almost impossible for me to live 100% on my own.

[wordsmith]

I totally understand where you're coming from. But if it helps, in my past experience as a youth and family outreach worker, I saw lots and lots of noncustodial parents who were NOT deadbeat parents...who did a bang-up job. It can be done. Again, I am not throwing stones from my glass house, and I can't pretend to know your life, but you might ask yourself how good it is for your kids to see what you're in with your current GF as an example of what a stable, good relationship should be. And how good a dad can you be if you aren't happy?

[wordsmith]

And, just out of curiosity...why is it that your kids' moms don't work?

[ledzeppelinfan1]

Wow, man. Thats tough. First off, I really admire that you are so commited to your kids and don't just run off like many others do everyday. Thats top-notch, man. Not to be nosey, but IF you get this promotion, will it be enough to be able to financially cover the expenses if you were to leave your current g/f and pay even more insurance/child support? If so, I think it would be worth it to leave...

Man, this is a tough one indeed. Sorry.

Also, I gotta say, you're relationship with your GF sounds like it was a bad decision from the start. Did you see any of this coming looking back?

[draygen]

I agree, I can't be a good dad in an unhappy relationship .. I also won't deal with being totally alone very well.. I guess I'm still holding on , hoping to fix whatever needs to be fixed to make the relationship work .. I guess sleeping in the same bed would be a start, but the fact that my daughter wakes up at 2am every day and her mom just brings her into bed kind of drives me nuts.

Well I shouldn't really say "they" .. My son's mother finally works full-time, but she lives with her mom, and hardly has to pay for anything, my son's mother and I have NILCH when it comes to any kind of relationship .. its a "Hi, give me my son.. ok, bye" kind of thing on the weekends..

My girlfriend stays at home and takes care of my daughter Kaylee .. she collects survivors benefits- (its both from a past disability - and the death of her disabled father) which is hardly $500 a month .. So she *does* contribute to the household since she has income, it just pales when compared to the amount that i give up ,not that it really matters to me all that much..

The worst part is she doesnt cook or clean while I'm at work, everything in our apartment is falling apart because our house is too "nasty" to have maintenance come fix things..I clean it up, but it gets messy within a day and I can't keep up..

I hope if I hang out as long as possible .. it will all change, and we can be the family my kids deserve ... and feel guilty everyday knowing that my son lost that chance before he was born, because of my stupid mistakes.

[draygen]

Wow, man. Thats tough. First off, I really admire that you are so commited to your kids and don't just run off like many others do everyday. Thats top-notch, man. Not to be nosey, but IF you get this promotion, will it be enough to be able to financially cover the expenses if you were to leave your current g/f and pay even more insurance/child support? If so, I think it would be worth it to leave...

Man, this is a tough one indeed. Sorry.

Also, I gotta say, you're relationship with your GF sounds like it was a bad decision from the start. Did you see any of this coming looking back?

Thanks, I'm still wondering how anyone could run off on their kids .. that is IMPOSSIBLE to me, i have my great mom and horrible dad to thank for that.

LOL, yeah I guess I should have seen it coming... When I was begging her to date me when I was 19 and she was 17 , she warned me she was a horrible girlfriend... It took me getting another girl pregnant for her to be interested.

[and1grad]

I also cant necessarily bring experience to the table but your story makes me wonder not only how but why you choose to maintain this sham of a relationship. I understand about your kids but how can your kids be happy if you and their mother resent each other? If you WERE to move on, would there be any likelihood of you having custody of your daughter? Your gf seems FAR from competent. I hate to sound so mean regarding you gf but she sounds like dead weight. Dont let her drag you down too.

[wordsmith]

DO NOT feel guilty. You clearly have it in you to be a standup dad, and a good role model for your kids, as far as doing the right thing and taking care of your responsibilities. Do you have any idea how many parents just don't do that?

I applaud you for trying to shape things up and be a family...but if it doesn't work out, keep in mind that you may have to make a judgment call on when is a good time to get out, for the sake of everybody involved.

And I really wish your GF would at least clean the house, if she's home as it is. That's really pretty inexcusable. If she doesn't cook, what does your daughter eat? What does your pregnant GF eat, for that matter? That just sounds like a bad scene.

[ledzeppelinfan1]

Wow... :(

I'm truly sorry. I mean of course you played a part in this, but nobody is perfect and its amazing how far some mistakes can go.

Stay strong and just love your kids...do that and everything else is really secondary. You might have to be content with that.

[draygen]

I also cant necessarily bring experience to the table but your story makes me wonder not only how but why you choose to maintain this sham of a relationship. I understand about your kids but how can your kids be happy if you and their mother resent each other? If you WERE to move on, would there be any likelihood of you having custody of your daughter? Your gf seems FAR from competent. I hate to sound so mean regarding you gf but she sounds like dead weight. Dont let her drag you down too.

From what I've seen/read , the likelyhood of a father getting custody of their child is pretty slim, she would have to be proven unfit - and she DOES take care of my daughter.. I've heard the similar advice from a lot of my friends, they feel I should just leave, try to get enough money for enough rooms for all the kids .. and fight in court for at least partial custody , of course this is an option but seems like a VERY tough road to take.

It's something I've considered, but I have a ways to go .. With this promotion I should be clearing 45k a year, I dont know how good this is compared to other people with as many kids as I have/will have .. so i'm not sure if i can pull any of this off.

[wordsmith]

I hear you...in all fairness, it probably would be a really rough road. A mother's got to be pretty darned awful to lose custody, unfortunately in situations like this, when it's likely the father can better provide or caretake.

[and1grad]

If she doesnt cook, clean, or run any kind of errands, exactly what does she do that a babysitter couldnt? I thought stuff like that was part of taking care of the kids.

[ledzeppelinfan1]

From what I've seen/read , the likelyhood of a father getting custody of their child is pretty slim, she would have to be proven unfit - and she DOES take care of my daughter.. I've heard the similar advice from a lot of my friends, they feel I should just leave, try to get enough money for enough rooms for all the kids .. and fight in court for at least partial custody , of course this is an option but seems like a VERY tough road to take.

It's something I've considered, but I have a ways to go .. With this promotion I should be clearing 45k a year, I dont know how good this is compared to other people with as many kids as I have/will have .. so i'm not sure if i can pull any of this off.

I think you should consult a lawyer...check out your options, see how feasible/practical they are. If you can manage to get custody...that would be great.

But, honestly, I'm an idiot on this one having no experience on such deep domestic issues.

Dr. Phil anyone?

[draygen]

DO NOT feel guilty. You clearly have it in you to be a standup dad, and a good role model for your kids, as far as doing the right thing and taking care of your responsibilities. Do you have any idea how many parents just don't do that?

I applaud you for trying to shape things up and be a family...but if it doesn't work out, keep in mind that you may have to make a judgment call on when is a good time to get out, for the sake of everybody involved.

And I really wish your GF would at least clean the house, if she's home as it is. That's really pretty inexcusable. If she doesn't cook, what does your daughter eat? What does your pregnant GF eat, for that matter? That just sounds like a bad scene.

Thanks for your kind words.. I know all too well how many loser-dads there are out there, to me .. its even more of a reason to not fail them.

As far as what do they eat? Whatever can be microwaved or easily cooked.. I was brought up by a mom and 2 sisters,.. my mom worked 3 jobs, and my sisters HATED cooking for me, they were too busy running off with boyfriends - so they taught me how to cook REAL food when I was young.
So I work - come home, cook/try to clean with left-over energy and bring leftovers to work.. ;)
*edit*
thanks again everyone to your replies, it gives me a lot to think about..
I'll become a frequent visitor to this site - your all awesome!! but time for bed!..
'till next time

[winneythepooh7]

OK, children is definately not my specialty. But I want to offer my "two-cents" anyways ;). First, if you are not happy, I say definately get out. Second, the advice about consulting a lawyer is good. Or even a center/social worker who deals with this stuff regularly. Also, I worked with several single mothers who were able to get their child(ren) health benefits through the state, and/or their job, and still able to make a decent income. Having to pay all your money towards health insurance is ridiculous in my opinion. There is always the option of working somewhere that offers a better benefits package where you will have to pay less. I don't know. Maybe I am talking out of my ass. I think it is great that you are contributing child support. What I don't understand though, and maybe it is just my state, is that you go on practically every block and you see those camper vehichles driving around promoting health insurance for kids like "Child Health Plus". They must be good for something. I would also check out your local Medicaid/entitlements office. I know that some people may not agree with me, but you are barely keeping yourself above water and the mothers are not doing anything, if the help is there, you should go for it. And lastly, whatever you do, do not MARRY either of these chics!!

[carrot3124]

No ripping on Dr. Phil! :) The producers actually called me to be on the show after I emailed them about some relationship issues. It can't hurt to try and get some help and work it out. You've each got to work on a marriage/relationship every single day to keep it alive. It kind of seems like you guys are past that point though...I see a lot of negative feedback telling you just to forget about and once you and your spouse are in that mindset of not caring, it is difficult to dig yourselves out. If your relationship is that miserable, it shouldn't be the example you set for your children. I wish my parents had divorced when I was young rather than putting my sister and I through years of tension. Good luck and take care of those kids.

[Adam Strange]

Hey Draygen,

I'm 22, living at home, have no job and no kids. Let me add myself to the chorus of people who can't even begin to understand your situation but are giving you advice nonetheless ;)

First of all, the amount of concern you show your kids is truly heartwarming. It sounds like you have made them priority #1, which should be a given but is actually more than a lot of 25-year-olds in this situation have done.

As for your current girlfriend, what has she like before she was pregnant? I'm no doctor but I know that pregnancy causes all kinds of hormonal changes. It's also physically taxing so I'm not sure you should be so upset that she isn't doing much housework, espeacially when she has a daughter to take care of and some sort of past disability.

I agree with what a lot of people have said; it's better to be from a broken home than to live in one. If you and your girlfriend can't work it out, the maybe a seperation is best for everyone. But maybe you should wait until after the child is born to gage the situation (and remember that the period directly following childbirth is another hormonal rollercoaster).

[laelialudisia]

my 2 cents - it sounds as if your current gf is either lazy or depressed. what was she like when you first met her? was she working, happy, etc. if she's depressed then there's hope, but if she's just lazy, well... that's another issue.

i think you have a lot of very tough decisions to make. i do think that if you decide to separate and want to enter into a custody dispute that your situation is favorable towards you getting at least joint custody since you are the only person actually providing for your 2 children w/ your current gf.

i think you should consider whether or not you want to be involved with your gf AND whether or not you really want your kids to grow up in the midst of a relationship that doesn't sound very fulfilling and positive. you should ask yourself if you think you are a better person with or without your gf. my opinion is that a healthy relationship should make you feel good about yourself.

also, i think around boston there are affordable housing options that are fairly decent based on the amount of income and then the number of people being supported on that income. there is a breakdown of qualifications based on income and the number of people being supported by that income. people who have lived in MA longer may have more insight into this, but i guess the bottom line is that there are options you just need to know where to look for help. hopefully, other people can guide you to some resources.