View Full Version : Living together...good or bad for relationships?
frannyandzooey
10-05-2005, 03:32 PM
I'm a newbie here, so I hope I'm not breaking any etiquette by posting right away like this...I was just wondering what people's opinions were on moving in with your boyfriend. We've dated for over three years, and we're pretty happy together. I just don't want to ruin things by moving in together. I also know my family wouldn't be very happy with it, and that worries me. We currently live in different cities, so this isn't even an option for over a year. Just wondering what stories might be circulating out there. Gimme all the love and horror stories...it's the only way I can make an informed decision. :)
biodork
10-05-2005, 03:42 PM
It's really up to the two of you. If you feel you are ready, than do it. My bf and I were together for a year before moving in, and are now on our third year of living together. It was definitely tough at first, while we adjusted to each other's habits, and there was an increase in fights, but now it's great and I wouldn't want to live with anyone else. Luckily my parents moved in together before getting married so there wasn't much of an issue when I decided to do it.
But I'm very pro-living together first, because some people just CANNOT live together, no matter how much they might love each other.
And Welcome to the boards!! :)
I lived with a guy in college... we had dated for about 6 months when we moved in. It wasn't a great idea for us, but then that had to do with a lot of other facets of the relationship.
Think about why you want to move in together. Because it would save money? Because you always sleep in the same place anyway? Because it sounds like fun?
Realize that no matter how well you know him now, you will probably find out things you weren't aware of. And you will have to deal with roommate issues which easily become relationship issues ("Well, I didn't do the dishes because you didn't want to cuddle with me last night...") I found it very difficult to talk to my bf as a roommate and not have it turn into a relationship issue. Also just because of the proximity, there will likely be a little bit more tnesion in your relationship. When you're having a bad day you can't get away from the other person. Anything that bugs you about him may get magnified.
I had a lot of fun living with Z., but ultimately we would've been better off if we hadn't lived together. And I won't live with another guy until I'm married. I'll save the fun and novelty of it for that.
These were the issues I had: There were times when I just wanted to be by myself and I couldn't. Especially when we would fight, I didn't have anyplace to go to think about things. He also was a little jealous, and I always felt like I had to justify going out with guy friends, and forget having them over. My brother wasn't a big fan of the bf, so he wouldn't come over to hang out if Z. was home. And everything that was going on in his life became part of my life, there was very little separation anymore. Another one of that particular guy's fabulous quirks was that he just couldn't leave me alone if I was naked. So every shower I took, every time I changed clothes, he thought was an opportunity to grab my ass or see if I was up for sex. I felt like I had NO personal space. Eventually I started looking forward to when he had night classes, and went to the gym a lot just so I could be "alone." (Not to mention shower uninterrupted.)
I think it can work if you have a really healthy relationship (Z and I would've done better if he wasn't jealous and didn't take everything personally) and you think there's a good chance you'll end up getting married. YOu also need to have excellent commmuniction and a lot of respect for each others' needs.
As for the parents... that's a toughie. Mine didn't care. Consider why they're against it; if it's just a moral thing, you just have to decide if you're okay with whatever reaction you get. If it's because they don't like something about your bf, then seriously give whatever that is a thought.
SmilesSoSweet
10-05-2005, 03:53 PM
My brother and his wife dated for over three years before they bought a place together last November. They were engaged a couple weeks later and married this past September, so they only lived together less than a year before getting married. It all depends on the two people who are in the relationship. I don't know if I could live with someone before marriage, but I say that now (when I'm not in a relationship). I'd like to wait until I'm at least engaged, but who knows what could happen.
Winter Storm
10-05-2005, 03:59 PM
Everybody's situation is different, but from my own experience, I wouldn't move in with a guy unless the ring was on my finger and the wedding date set. There are soooooooo many things that could go wrong (trust me) and if things should fall apart, I wouldn't want to have to
A) remain living with my ex til I find a place (awkward)
B) be abruptly put out
or
C) have to hastily find a roommate and make new living arrangements
(a fellow QLCer just went through this)
When my ex and I split, it killed me to see his car coming down the street. I can't imagine if we had to split up our furnishings and literally pack my things. Instead we were able to make a clean break; he gave me back my things and I tossed his shit in the trash! :twisted:
(kidding)
Bugsey34
10-05-2005, 04:03 PM
There's something about the idea that just makes me think I wouldn't do it unless I was engaged or married. I just think that in order to overcome whatever problems may come up with living together, which would be mostly little and overcome-able once you've been together for years +, I would need that commitment to that person.
Winter Storm
10-05-2005, 04:06 PM
There's something about the idea that just makes me think I wouldn't do it unless I was engaged or married. I just think that in order to overcome whatever problems may come up with living together, which would be mostly little and overcome-able once you've been together for years +, I would need that commitment to that person.
Agreed. I plan on keeping my own place until I'm engaged. I feel more secure that way.
marcy
10-05-2005, 04:06 PM
My husband and I lived together before we married. I always thought that I'd wait until marriage to live with a man, but by the time we moved in together we had already set a wedding date. (We got "officially" engaged a few months later.) The first year of living together was really fun. We hardly ever fought about typical roommate stuff. We were lucky in the fact that we had a 3 bedroom house though. We have plenty of space for alone time. My only suggestion is that if you're going to live together you should definitely move into a place that is new to both of u. I moved into my husband's house and it was really hard for him to find room for my things. He was fine with me adding my stuff - he just didn't want to eliminate any of his stuff. It made for a very cluttered house!
(Another thing, you definitely need to have the marriage conversation BEFORE you move in. You both need to be on the same page. A friend of mine moved in with her boyfriend with the expectation that it was the first step before marriage. Her boyfriend thought that they were just playing house and never had any intention of marrying anybody. She got majorly burned and now regrets "wasting" 3 years of her life with him.)
Winter Storm
10-05-2005, 04:09 PM
(Another thing, you definitely need to have the marriage conversation BEFORE you move in. You both need to be on the same page. A friend of mine moved in with her boyfriend with the expectation that it was the first step before marriage. Her boyfriend thought that they were just playing house and never had any intention of marrying anybody. She got majorly burned and now regrets "wasting" 3 years of her life with him.)
Excellent point! I know a lot of woman who assume living together puts them on an instant path to marriage and the guy isn't even thinking in those terms. I know of one couple living like that right now.
Tayl405
10-05-2005, 04:12 PM
I lived with my ex. We actually lived well together, but it created a lot of problems for me. I think I felt really trapped, and was constantly looking for something wrong in the relationship (of course since hindsight is 20/20 I realize now that I was looking for an out). All in all it was fine, but when we broke up we were in a really crappy position. I ended up moving out, but we had to still live together for almost 3 months until my new lease started, which was really awkward and miserable.
I think Marcy's got a good point. I moved in with my gf because I ended up in the apt next to her, but we were serious from day one. But we lived together for 2 years before getting married, and I highly recommend that anyone who's planning on getting married live together first. You will learn a lot/ about your relationship. Which is good, even if it's bad news.
But then, I'm the old-fashioned type that also believes in a lifetime marriage commitment and the idea that a marriage is a partnership first and a romance second. If you can't be roommates, then you can't raise kids together. Guaranteed.
Oh yeah, if you do decide to live together...
consider getting a two bedroom place, so you still each have your own space to go to.
Talk about whether or not this is likely to lead to marriage first.
Agree on who is moving out if you break up and who's keeping what. Kind of like an apartment pre-nup. It was the one thing that made life easy when Z. and I broke up; we knew I'd be the one leaving and what I was taking with me.
biodork
10-05-2005, 04:22 PM
If you can't be roommates, then you can't raise kids together. Guaranteed.
Definitely agree with you on that.
And I also wanted to add, that like you franny, my SO and I did not live in the same area. In fact, we lived almost 3 hours apart. And neither of us wanted to be long distance for another year. Couple that with the fact that for his own well-being, he HAD to get out of his area, as it was type of place that sucked people in and didn't let them go and a ton of people in the area end up as drug dealers or major users and in jail.
cheshrcarol
10-05-2005, 05:31 PM
I used to think that I wouldn't live with a guy until I was at least engaged because I've seen so many couples that lived together for YEARS because the guy didn't see the need to propose. But now, the more I think about it, how can you know if you want to spend your life with someone if you're not sure if you can live together?
shimmer728
10-05-2005, 05:34 PM
I'm scared to live with anyone else. I'm really anal and don't like it when my stuff gets messed up. :p But I'm a freak.
LakeJay
10-05-2005, 05:59 PM
From what I've seen I think it's not a bad idea especially if you have plans on marrying this person. One of my best friends wishes she had lived with her then-fiance before they got married. Like tdko had mentioned, it would have been a good thing even if it was a bad thing. After a year and a half of marriage, they were divorced and she thinks living together prior to marriage would have either led to not get married at all or at least be more prepared for marriage.
My sister has just recently moved in with her bf of 4+ years. She needed to find a new place right away and she and he feel like this will help in deciding whether they want to take the "next step". I never was one who thought that living with a gf before marriage was a good idea but I can definitely see the plus side to it.
franny - My parents weren't all gung-ho about the decision but they realize that my sister is a big girl and that it really is her to decision to make. They of course still support her and know she wouldn't make such an important decision without much thought. Hopefully your family will support you in whatever decision you make. And if you are worried about ruining the relationship by moving in together, I agree with others. If this is serious, chances are that you will move in together sooner or later. Why not find out earlier than later whether the arrangement will work out or not?
wordsmith
10-05-2005, 06:02 PM
I CAN pretty much live with anybody...but I'm also pretty keen on maintaining my own place of residence. I don't know how serious I'd have to be to contemplate giving up separate dwelling places. I guess it remains to be seen.
SmilesSoSweet
10-05-2005, 06:38 PM
My parents weren't all gung-ho about the decision but they realize that my sister is a big girl and that it really is her to decision to make. They of course still support her and know she wouldn't make such an important decision without much thought. Hopefully your family will support you in whatever decision you make. And if you are worried about ruining the relationship by moving in together, I agree with others. If this is serious, chances are that you will move in together sooner or later. Why not find out earlier than later whether the arrangement will work out or not?
My parents couldn't really say much when my brother moved in with this girlfriend (now wife) at the time. My sister and I might think it's because he's a boy, but also it's because we're all grown up now and we can do whatever we want. My brother and his wife bought the condo together (without helps from either set of parents) so it's not like they used our parents' money to buy the place. The biggest thing my parents told us was as soon as we were done with school we could do whatever makes us happy. :) Some aunts and uncles weren't too thrilled about imy brother living with his girlfriend, but it's really none of their business anyway.
marcy
10-05-2005, 06:46 PM
My parents were definitely disappointed when I moved in with my (then) boyfriend. I spent my entire life hearing my mother tell what a bad idea it is to co-habitate. My parents also went out of their way to hide my sinful lifestyle from other extended members of our family. I probably should have felt some iota of shame, but in all honesty I really didn't care what people thought. I Also experienced a great deal of satisfaction when I was able to go back (after the wedding) and tell my mom how happy I was that we lived together first.
Jedi of Zen
10-05-2005, 07:19 PM
Count me in the "marriage" camp. I don't plan on living with an SO unless we're married or formally engaged.
jcm12
10-05-2005, 10:30 PM
I hear that, I don't ever plan on moving in with a girl or having her move in with me unless she's ONLY a roommate, or we're engaged after 1-2 years+
carrot3124
10-06-2005, 09:42 AM
My FI and I lived together for about a year before we got engaged. We were both serious about marrying, so we really decided to test the waters. It's totally different than just living with a college roommate. You get pissed off at each other about laundry, cleaning the bathroom, washing dishes...men are pigs! If I find one more ice pop wrapper in the living room, I will flip out!
I think we both really learned a lot about each other over the last year. We had been in a long distance relationship for two years prior to that. Living together reaffirmed our plans to marry, but it's hard. It really made me realize how much you have to work to keep a relationship strong. A marriage is something to work on everyday, and living together really emphasized that for us.
On the other hand, you might fight out that you're really not compatible. Keeping finances separate or having separate leases so you can't hurt each other financially should you guys decide to go your separate ways. I think if you're really serious about spending the rest of your life with the guy, then go ahead and try it. You can only learn from it. Good luck!
labrat2111
10-06-2005, 10:18 AM
Well I lived with my ex-g/f for 1.5 years and found out that we really weren't that compatible. I guess I'm glad we lived together and found this out and went our seperate ways without getting married. However it can be messy if things go sour at the end and thankfully our situation was pretty mellow although we had to live together 1 month after we broke up.
I would still live together with someone before I got married but I would wait until we had a more solid commitment like being engaged. With my g/f we moved in together after dating only 8 months which was a little too soon.
wordsmith
10-06-2005, 10:35 AM
I DEF think the whole "where do I/you go live if there's a breakup" factor is really probably the biggest issue to me of the whole concept...far bigger than "Do I have to adjust my lifestyle habits," etc.
MetFanL
10-06-2005, 10:37 AM
If I was engaged, I would do it, but as I've said on here before, I need a REAL sign of true commitment before I would agree to live together. Otherwise, I feel like it would be just a matter of convenience rather than commitment.
aj030201
10-06-2005, 11:23 AM
Jeez, why is there a rule you have to move in together even after marriage :confused:
Winter Storm
10-06-2005, 11:24 AM
Jeez, why is there a rule you have to move in together even after marriage :confused:
Seriously, I once thought it might be a good idea to keep my own place after I got married.
wordsmith
10-06-2005, 11:24 AM
You want we should get both sides of a duplex, aj? Separate but equal! :p
marcy
10-06-2005, 12:19 PM
I DEF think the whole "where do I/you go live if there's a breakup" factor is really probably the biggest issue to me of the whole concept...far bigger than "Do I have to adjust my lifestyle habits," etc.
It never even occured to me to have the "what happens if we break up?" conversation. It is a good thing that everything worked out because I obviously didn't have a well thought out escape plan.
k.monster
10-06-2005, 01:10 PM
Personally I don't want to live with anyone again until after I am married, and even then I am going to insist on my own room. I've seen some statistics that say that divorce rates are lower for people that don't live together before they are married - but I don't really know if I buy into that or not.
I just really like having my own space and even though my bf and I spend a lot of time together - at least I've got my own place to go home to, or kick him out of if I want.
wordsmith
10-06-2005, 01:13 PM
It never even occured to me to have the "what happens if we break up?" conversation. It is a good thing that everything worked out because I obviously didn't have a well thought out escape plan.
I just can't think of anything that would be more personally hellish for me than ending a relationship and having to still room with that person until alternate arrangements were figured out. Ugh.
biodork
10-06-2005, 01:15 PM
Am I the only one who's SO will gladly give space to if I need it? I mean, yeah we still sleep in the same room and all, but if for a night, I say I need some space, my bf will give me one room and he takes the other and we spend some time apart, even if its just in separate rooms, with a door dividing us. And he'll make it a point not to come into the room at all. That always works well for me. Or I'll go over to a friends place. Or he'll go away to visit friends for the weekend.
We find space if we need it, it's there. Most of the time we don't need it though.
It really made me realize how much you have to work to keep a relationship strong. A marriage is something to work on everyday, and living together really emphasized that for us.
we lived together before we got married. we had been together a year when we moved in together. we got engaged 9 months later and then we got married 6 months after that. it was a good timeline for us and i'm very glad we lived together. it was good for our relationship. personally, i couldn't have gotten married to someone who was almost like a stranger to me.
we also slowly merged funds (although i know people who are married who keep separate accounts) and we tried different arrangements. we have always given each other space. i know some couples who don't need space, but i am very independent and it was good to know that my SO was the same way.
all couples are different and have to find their own way, but marriage is something you work at every day.
my parents were very supportive of our decision to live together. i am an adult and they respect my decisions.
Jedi of Zen
10-06-2005, 07:17 PM
I think if I find myself wanting to have my own separate room and/or place of residence, even after being married, then I would probably question whether this person is someone who I truly want to marry.
I read an interesting book on marriage once with a whole chapter devoted to the whole living-apart approach to marriage. While I find it an interesting concept - it does deserve credit for creativity - I still think that (for me at least) it would defeat the whole purpose of marriage.
SmilesSoSweet
10-06-2005, 08:42 PM
I think I would definitely need my own bathroom if I ever lived w/ a bf, fiancee. I hate cleaning a bathroom used by more than one person (flashbacks from apartment living in the dorms!) An area of the house all to myself would be good, too, even if it's just a small reading area in the living room or an extra bedroom that's an office or guest room.
laelialudisia
10-06-2005, 09:29 PM
deciding to live w/ your SO is like putting your relationship on overdrive. i guarantee you will find out more than you could imagine about the person once you move in together - for better or for worse. i would NEVER EVER get married w/o living with the person beforehand. i have lived with 2 bf's. dated the first for 1 yr. - lived together for 2 yrs. (he NEVER helped out - period - i couldn't take it anymore). my current bf and i dated for 6 months and have been living together for over 2 yrs. he is GREAT!! does his laundry (and some of mine :razz: ), does the majority of the cleaning, he NEVER complains about errands or other household related issues. i NEVER have to ask him to help out. i travel a lot for my job, so he handles most of the issues related to running the household.
you will learn what things are really important to you and what things you can let go of for the sake of compromise. you may find that you feel you have to compromise too much and it just isn't working, but hopefully, you will find that you are both able to express your needs and desires and that the other person understands your point of view and you can reach compromises.
best of luck.
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