It's Saturday night, and I'm damned lonely... [Archive]

ebruening

10-08-2005, 10:34 PM

ugarachel82

10-08-2005, 10:38 PM

I'm right there with ya and I hear and feel everything you are saying, E!

The anti-social, the not knowing where to go out, the constant work, I swear I could have typed this post tonight!

So in away you are not alone, if it makes you feel any better.

yankeeyosh

10-08-2005, 10:42 PM

So am I...so am I........

ledzeppelinfan1

10-08-2005, 10:49 PM

If you're feeling lonely...which I was also tonight, the only one who can change it is you. People aren't just gonna randomly stop by your couch tonight or anything.

I called a couple of friends, and now I'm going to go watch some movies. Is there anyone you know from work? Sometimes you just need to step it up and step out... ;)

yankeeyosh

10-08-2005, 11:00 PM

ledzeppelinfan1

10-08-2005, 11:11 PM

Problem is...what if you don't have any friends in the area?

Find some...if you're lonely, I guarantee you aren't the only one in your neck of the woods who would like some company. I know its not easy, but staying home and chatting on the internet won't help...much.

yankeeyosh

10-08-2005, 11:19 PM

Find some...if you're lonely, I guarantee you aren't the only one in your neck of the woods who would like some company. I know its not easy, but staying home and chatting on the internet won't help...much.

Well, how? I mean, I'm can't just go to a bar and say "hey let's be friends" or something like that. And forget about networking with people from work, because this company is not the type of company you would do that with. And I'm not in an area where there are a whole lot of groups of 20somethings...So I honestly don't know how to meet people. It was easier in college and even in grad school...you were always around young people. Now, the average age of the people you encounter is 50, and most of the younger people are too busy anyway with their own lives and don't seem to want to expand their social circles.

steamroller

10-09-2005, 12:03 AM

Hey, it's not that easy to put together a NEW crew once you're out of college. I've had this problem for the past FOUR years; people just don't measure up to my OLD friends (who I still keep in touch with and thank god for flat rate long distance).

You can't just tap someone on the shoulder and be like, "Hey do you enjoy chit chatting about men, sex, social reconstructionism in urban schools, politics, classic rock, Irish punk, and food over a few pictures of cheap beer???" I think I'm more picky about my FRIENDS than I am about the men I DATE, which could be a good indicator of my horrific dating patterns. Heh.

Since I've lived in this town (four years), I've posted ads on craiglist for FRIENDS, joined yoga groups, and cooked dinner for people in my grad program. Sadly, I have YET to find girls like MY girls.

NOW, on the bright side? I've lived in my new apt for less than a week. So far, the rest of the people in the building seem extremely cool. I think once I setlle in, I'm going to have a little house-warming party.

It seems like that the best way to get to know people (for me at least); invite them over, drown in some red wine, laugh, and crank some music. Even if they don't end up being a lifelong friend, you DID something proactive to change your social life!

I think the loneliness is totally normal. There are plenty of us here who are experiencing the same crapolla.

lilyflower

10-09-2005, 12:19 AM

Ugh, I totally know that feeling. I at least have friends but I find lately that I don't have the energy to go out and hang with them. Let's not even talk about the depressing disaster that is my dating life. :(

ledzeppelinfan1

10-09-2005, 01:28 AM

And then on the other hand...I would have RATHER stayed home and hung out online and played computer hockey games than gone out and hung with the people I did tonight.

Booooorrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnggggggggg.

So...I dunno, we lead desperate lives...

maybe thats what they always meant by "the real world". :neutral:

jcm12

10-09-2005, 03:55 AM

what discourages me from socializing is the small talk... it's so lame.

I always try to skip it if I can, and get to talking about something real. If the person/people aren't receptive to it, I just leave or stop talking.

ebruening

10-09-2005, 09:32 AM

Well, chicky-babes and fellas, y'all are on my wavelength. I dig that. I do have friends, but I'm slowly distancing myself from them, due to the fact that they're all guys who treat me like some sort of androgynous persona (I have female friends who live out of state, so it's not like I can call them up to chill on a Saturday ngiht), and I'm really not up to going to their parties to watch them hit on other chicks. That induces far more loneliness than sitting at home alone. I can't go out with my one work "friend" because I have a crush on her husband. NOT good.

Ugarachel - yeah, teaching doesn't stop even on the weekends :eek: I hear you on that one, gal. Keep doing your best! (hugs) Feel free to PM me if you want to gripe over teacherly type thing.

LZfan - I never said I should have people come knock on my door to hang out. This social isolation is completely my fault; I take full responsibility for my actions (or lack thereof in the social department.)

I've got to jet to my weekend job, so here's hoping everyone's Sunday is looking up :) Thanks so much for the responses; they helped a lot!

summergold

10-09-2005, 10:53 AM

I almost posted on this thread last night, but I wasn't feeling that great and thought I should wait and see how I felt in the morning. So it's morning and I realized that I'm feeling something that I haven't felt in a VERY long time... loneliness. It's been a month since I broke up with my boyfriend, and I don't miss him. I think part of it is that I'm feeling sort of anti-social, and I'm starting to resent one of my roommates. I think it's great that many of my friends have boyfriends, but when the boy is here all the time, it gets annoying. I'm sure they used to feel that way about me, but my boyfriend actually lived here and payed rent. It ticks me off that I basically have a fourth roommate who doesn't pay rent. I guess that's a whole other matter, but it just adds another element of annoyance. Okay, so I think this turned into a rant. I guess what I'm saying is that I completely empathize with everyone who's feeling a bit alone.

Brillo25

10-09-2005, 02:07 PM

SunDevil

10-09-2005, 02:52 PM

The thing is I do go out nowadays, but when I go out I don't approach anybody, I just kind of people watch and see other guys approaching women. So I talk with my friend or friends, have a few drinks, and go home by myself. If I were to somehow enter a conversation with a strange girl all I'd do is be very friendly and give off that cute but completely asexual vibe I seem to be so good at giving off, and nothing would happen.

I have this move down to a science as well, but I usually don't drink or talk to strange girls. However, last night, I just fell asleep at 7pm and woke up at 10am. Nothing like 15 hours of sleep when you are bored...

Tayl405

10-09-2005, 03:23 PM

However, last night, I just fell asleep at 7pm and woke up at 10am. Nothing like 15 hours of sleep when you are bored...

I've definitely done that! I think it's more exhaustion though, than boredom.

I've mentioned it before on here, but I'll say it again. The best luck I've ever had in making friends has been working in restaurants. They're almost all people our age, and the majority are up for a good time. Sure, you'd have to give up Fri and/or Sat. nights, but if you're sitting home anyway, why not? And make some extra $. And some positions don't have to work too late, like hostesses. Every rest. I've worked at everyone has become friends, and pretty much migrate to the bar after the shift to vent about that night, which leads to becoming friends.

ebruening

10-09-2005, 04:01 PM

I know just how you feel, ebruening. The thing is I do go out nowadays, but when I go out I don't approach anybody, I just kind of people watch and see other guys approaching women. So I talk with my friend or friends, have a few drinks, and go home by myself. If I were to somehow enter a conversation with a strange girl all I'd do is be very friendly and give off that cute but completely asexual vibe I seem to be so good at giving off, and nothing would happen.

Tell you what, if we're both still single when you're 30, I'll move out there ;)

Wow...I must give off some sort of asexual vibe, too. I don't get it, either, because I dress in skirts and heels quite often nowadays, I wear makeup, I'm talkative and friendly most days (although I've gotten pretty quiet IRL in the past two weeks), and yet every single guy who sees me seems to think "she = platonic beer buddy." What?! How in the heck does THAT happen? I don't want to be seen as an asexual, supposed "Outcast Genius" anymore. I'm not even smart, so the "Outcast Genius" quiz result is one that I definitely don't think fits my personality.

hellboy

10-09-2005, 04:27 PM

Actually, i guess y'all had a good time than i did!

Being new to this place, i ventured into unknown territory last night!
After working overtime yesterday i decided to get tipsy and was looking for a bar in this new town where i recently moved. I saw a long line outside a club called La Movida. So i was wondering why not get drunk in a club and joined the line to enter in Da Club. I must have noticed that there were quite a few Mexicans (no offence intended). The guy collecting cover charge talked to me in Spanish. I was like 'What a jerk! He must not assume that all of America knows Spanish'.

Then i went in and some band was getting ready to play live music. I decided to go get myself a pitcher of draft. Only when the barman didnt understand what a draft was, did i notice the surrounding properly. It was a Latino dance club with similar ghetto ppl. Nobody there seemed to talk in English and i looked like a d**k. Suddenly, i was alone in a throng of crowd. Mann...i felt so uncomfortable after a long loong time! I ended up coming home with a big headache. Today morning i got to know that club is notorious for gang shootings and recently somebody got killed! Gosh..my head still aches! Should get better!

Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

winneythepooh7

10-09-2005, 04:36 PM

Not like I have a huge circle of friends either, but here are my suggestions:

Befriend girlfriends/person your guy friends are dating.

Start a "teacher support group" or something along those lines where you can meet others in your field, who probably have the same time constraints you do ;).

Get involved in/start an alumnae association for your school in your area, or if you were in a Greek Letter Org, try getting involved with them.

Check out craigslist like others have mentioned. Often there are others in the same boat.

I also have joined a list in yahoogroups. I have yet to go to anything though, but it is a social group for females in their 20's-40's who live in the NYC area. I get tons of emails everyday of stuff going on in the city that other females want to get together and do together. They also have regular get together's for dinner and drinks.

Jedi of Zen

10-09-2005, 06:27 PM

Ebruening, you mentioned living in your hometown. I don't know the specifics of your background, but myself - I'm also living at home (which sounds a lot like yours - talking to pets and plants are often my most promising social opportunities), and with school and stuff I'm going to be stuck here until 2008. Three goddamned years! So the only way I can maintain sanity is by looking at my life right now as a prison sentence. Literally. I'm just doing my time until I get my degree and can move out of this god-forsaken cultural wasteland. And believe me, it doesn't require a big stretch of the imagination to think about it that way.

If I were to somehow enter a conversation with a strange girl all I'd do is be very friendly and give off that cute but completely asexual vibe I seem to be so good at giving off, and nothing would happen.

Wow. I could not have said that better myself. I have the same damn problem.

Brillo25

10-09-2005, 06:32 PM

Wow...I must give off some sort of asexual vibe, too. I don't get it, either, because I dress in skirts and heels quite often nowadays, I wear makeup, I'm talkative and friendly most days (although I've gotten pretty quiet IRL in the past two weeks), and yet every single guy who sees me seems to think "she = platonic beer buddy." What?! How in the heck does THAT happen?
Who knows, but it's sooo frustrating when you don't know how to avoid giving off that wrong vibe that people get from you. No matter what I try to do with my look or my attitude, women still seem to think "he = cute little brother", and obviously no one can see themselves in the throes of passion with their little brother, unless you're Angelina Jolie.

wordsmith

10-09-2005, 07:09 PM

I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. I'm getting so antisocial it's disgusting. I work all the time (I have to, really), and I don't go out. I wouldn't even know where to go if I did go out. I'm in my hometown, too, so that shouldn't be much of a problem. This sounds criminally whiney and self-pitying, but I'll say it anyway: it's my fault that I haven't met anyone, and I don't know how I can change that. I hate being so alone it hurts. (Yes, cue one of those piano nocturnes...)

True story. I was sitting at home last night, like I do a lot of times on Saturday nights. I had delivery pizza and some DVDs and was slobbed out in jeans and a hooded sweatshirt. About 9 p.m., I got a call, which I ignored. Then I felt guilty and called back, because it was a friend I hadn't talked to in a while. She suggested meeting up for a beer at a neighborhood bar near my house, she's a mom and housewife who doesn't get the chance to get out much. I wasn't too enthused (I live in my hometown, too, and it's not like there's much to go do or anybody that you're going to meet), but I thought, might as well go.

We ended up running into my brother, a bunch of his friends, some friends I hadn't seen in a while, I guy I used to date, and staying until 2 a.m. singing karaoke and having a really good time.

Was it amazing and magical? No, it was just getting out and doing something besides sitting at home. Did I meet the man of my dreams? No, and I sure as hell didn't expect to. But it wasn't a bad time. And I wouldn't have bothered to do it, had my friend not called. Sometimes you just have to go and do something, whether you fee like it or not. No expectations, no hopes for it being a big, lifechanging thing. Just getting out once in a while. I wasn't lonely, I was surrounded by people just being cool and fun and low-key and having a good time.

I think one problem that a lot of us have is feeling like if we don't snag an s.o., it automatically follows that we're going to be miserable and lonely. I sure wasn't looking to snag somebody last night, I was in jeans, a sweatshirt, and a windblown ponytail...but it didn't prevent me from having a nice time and not being lonely.

ebruening

10-09-2005, 11:44 PM

I think one problem that a lot of us have is feeling like if we don't snag an s.o., it automatically follows that we're going to be miserable and lonely. I sure wasn't looking to snag somebody last night, I was in jeans, a sweatshirt, and a windblown ponytail...but it didn't prevent me from having a nice time and not being lonely.

Words - True, sometimes I want a boyfriend, but really, I'm just looking to meet friends. I figure I'll meet friends, and a SO may or may not materialize out of that group. Trust me, right now, I'm so damned needy that I wouldn't trust myself with a SO. I'm going to start doing my work in the evenings at a coffee shop near my place. It will get me out of the house, away from the self-imposed isolation of my desk, and in a more positive atmosphere than what I currently feel at home. I don't have time to volunteer or take a "just for fun" class, but I figure that will be a start.

Along those same lines, I did get a call from the former FWB today...I saw his name on the caller ID, decided to take the call on a whim, and surprisingly feel better about that whole situation. There was a lot of closure today in that regard, like "oh, well, we can still talk and be casually civil with one another, but I doubt we're ever going to hang out again, much less ever have another fling." What's done is done, and I won't have to stare daggers at him on the street should we run into one another...but I also won't have to feel like we left things openended. He knows where I stand, and he actually apologized for the way the whole thing ended. I'm still attracted to him in the physical sense, but I know it's completely over for me emotionally. That was a really good feeling, and something that I really needed, given the bitterness I had been harboring regarding that failed relationship.

Thanks for the advice/pep-talks, guys and gals. I really appreciate all the support here :) :) :)

lilyflower

10-09-2005, 11:46 PM

Ebruening, you mentioned living in your hometown. I don't know the specifics of your background, but myself - I'm also living at home (which sounds a lot like yours - talking to pets and plants are often my most promising social opportunities), and with school and stuff I'm going to be stuck here until 2008. Three goddamned years! So the only way I can maintain sanity is by looking at my life right now as a prison sentence. Literally. I'm just doing my time until I get my degree and can move out of this god-forsaken cultural wasteland. And believe me, it doesn't require a big stretch of the imagination to think about it that way.

That's how I looked at my last two years of undergrad :googly:

winneythepooh7

10-09-2005, 11:47 PM

True story. I was sitting at home last night, like I do a lot of times on Saturday nights. I had delivery pizza and some DVDs and was slobbed out in jeans and a hooded sweatshirt. About 9 p.m., I got a call, which I ignored. Then I felt guilty and called back, because it was a friend I hadn't talked to in a while. She suggested meeting up for a beer at a neighborhood bar near my house, she's a mom and housewife who doesn't get the chance to get out much. I wasn't too enthused (I live in my hometown, too, and it's not like there's much to go do or anybody that you're going to meet), but I thought, might as well go.

We ended up running into my brother, a bunch of his friends, some friends I hadn't seen in a while, I guy I used to date, and staying until 2 a.m. singing karaoke and having a really good time.

Was it amazing and magical? No, it was just getting out and doing something besides sitting at home. Did I meet the man of my dreams? No, and I sure as hell didn't expect to. But it wasn't a bad time. And I wouldn't have bothered to do it, had my friend not called. Sometimes you just have to go and do something, whether you fee like it or not. No expectations, no hopes for it being a big, lifechanging thing. Just getting out once in a while. I wasn't lonely, I was surrounded by people just being cool and fun and low-key and having a good time.

I think one problem that a lot of us have is feeling like if we don't snag an s.o., it automatically follows that we're going to be miserable and lonely. I sure wasn't looking to snag somebody last night, I was in jeans, a sweatshirt, and a windblown ponytail...but it didn't prevent me from having a nice time and not being lonely.

Well, I have a S.O. so that's not my issue. A big thing for me, is that having friends at this stage in the game takes so much effort. I may be super excited about going out with the ladies for drinks this coming Tuesday, but something draining also may come up at work on Tuesday where I just don't feel like going out. I understand the need to just do it sometimes, but sometimes it can be so hard. And everyone I know and would like to hang out with is just so scattered across the area. NYC and the surrounding area is really a big ass place and just getting around to meet everyone can be a huge pain in the ass.

lilyflower

10-09-2005, 11:51 PM

Well, I have a S.O. so that's not my issue. A big thing for me, is that having friends at this stage in the game takes so much effort. I may be super excited about going out with the ladies for drinks this coming Tuesday, but something draining also may come up at work on Tuesday where I just don't feel like going out. I understand the need to just do it sometimes, but sometimes it can be so hard. And everyone I know and would like to hang out with is just so scattered across the area. NYC and the surrounding area is really a big ass place and just getting around to meet everyone can be a huge pain in the ass.

Oh, ditto to the huge ass place, Winney. Hell, even Jersey seems massive because it takes forever to get to different areas (mainly because our traffic BLOWS), I frequently get invites to hang out with people in New Brunswick and while it's a great crowd, the drive is at least an hour each way for me and it's just too much to handle/deal with most days.

wordsmith

10-10-2005, 12:02 AM

Along those same lines, I did get a call from the former FWB today...I saw his name on the caller ID, decided to take the call on a whim, and surprisingly feel better about that whole situation. There was a lot of closure today in that regard, like "oh, well, we can still talk and be casually civil with one another, but I doubt we're ever going to hang out again, much less ever have another fling." What's done is done, and I won't have to stare daggers at him on the street should we run into one another...but I also won't have to feel like we left things openended. He knows where I stand, and he actually apologized for the way the whole thing ended. I'm still attracted to him in the physical sense, but I know it's completely over for me emotionally. That was a really good feeling, and something that I really needed, given the bitterness I had been harboring regarding that failed relationship.

Yeah, I find that closure comes in steps. The guy I used to date a li'l bit, who I saw last night for the first time in over a month...it was hard not to go back to the old habit of my eyes following him around the bar, checking out who he was talking to, waiting to see if he would look my way, wondering if he'd come talk (he did, for what it was worth, which is suprisingly little)

But I also realized that it had started to sink in a lot more since I last saw him that, duh, he's not what I want (this is not a revelation, but I'm attracted enough to him in the short term that he could have easily become a FWB, and probably would have had no problem with it, were that to be the sort of thing I'm open to). For one of the first times, it began to be a no-brainer that I so totally don't need a guy who I have to HOPE will throw a bone my way, who it's a big suspenseful thing whether or not he'll come talk to me when he sees me out. He would never want something serious with me (or anybody, as I'm starting to really realize that his most meaningful relationship these days is most likely with a dimebag...who really leaves a bar where there are women hitting on you to go smoke up?), and if by some chance he did, I'm pretty sure I'd find out really early on that he's not the kind of guy I want, anyway.

jcm12

10-10-2005, 01:24 AM

I've mentioned it before on here, but I'll say it again. The best luck I've ever had in making friends has been working in restaurants. They're almost all people our age, and the majority are up for a good time. Sure, you'd have to give up Fri and/or Sat. nights, but if you're sitting home anyway, why not? And make some extra $. And some positions don't have to work too late, like hostesses. Every rest. I've worked at everyone has become friends, and pretty much migrate to the bar after the shift to vent about that night, which leads to becoming friends.
ya I waited tables for 8 months and made some great guy and girl friends. Everyone was in the same boat, trying to get to that next "phase" of their life.

I moved back home from Dallas in January, and it was tough to say goodbye to a lot of them. In a city where you have no family, they were my family. It was also nice having a cell full of girls who were calling ME to come party :razz: