trying to understand my sadness...

[lynn29]

Hey! So this is my very first post. I read a lot of other postings on this site before I added mine. I'm looking for a place to rant and a place to be understood.

From an outsiders perspective I look like I have everything falling into place for me. I left grad school last year because I was miserable doing laboratory research and entered another program this summer in education. I work as a student teacher and make a small stipend that barely pays the bills. I'm doing what I want to be doing but I don't feel as if I have everything together. I am constantly comparing myself to friends that have all the things I want to achieve... I always saw myself married or at least engaged by the age I am now... well that's not happening anytime soon. I still don't have my own health insurance. I'm lonely because many of my college friends live in another state. I cry more than I smile behind closed doors. I'm too proud to ask for help and I feel like I fake my happiness.

I'm overwhelmed with stress. Some days I don't feel like getting out of bed. My emotions are out of control. I tend to be real moody around EVERYONE and I'm not just talking about PMS. I started seeing a therepist who thinks I'm mildly depressed. I think I'm overly sad... and there are a bunch of things in my life that I should be happy about ... (ie: starting a new teaching career, my wonderful relationship with my boyfriend, I moved out from my parent's house)

Everything was so linear up until this point. My life made "sense." It wasn't until I graduated from college and moved on to the real world that I became depressed all the time. Things just aren't the way I thought they would be. I guess my expectations are just too much but I like having high standards for myself. Can someone please tell me they understand where I am coming from?

I have a tendency to not express myself fully and often feel misunderstood by others. Thanks for reading!!

[lookingforit]

Hello. Welcome to the boards!! I'm new to the boards as well. I will tell you that you are not alone. I for one am constantly comparing myself to friends. I have a couple of friends that went straight from high school to work and are making $60+ a year working construction. They get prevaling wage and work in a very strong union. I realize that they bust their ass's but they are making a good living. I have a BS in bus. ad. and am struggling to find a job, let alone a job that I like.

I guess pre graduation I was in some sort of la-la land thinking that when I graduate I will instantly be handed a 80000 a year job, hot wife...ect..

One of my teachers in my senior-level classes said this one day towards the end of my senior year. "Trust me, you all will graduate and realize that we as teachers and as a college haven't taught you shit about the real world.You will only learn this by living it"

How did you think things would be after college???? I had some idea of how it would be and I'm partly right and partly wrong. I will get a job, when I don't know. I will make money someday, when I don't know. Right now I'm just going to live and not worry about all this materialistic Bullshit. I for one don't have to keep up with the Jones...Lol. All I need is some music and a weight room...and I will be content.

Take Care!! and EAT LIFE because you only have one chance to do so!!!!

[winneythepooh7]

I was in a similar state this whole past year. I hated my job, I felt like I had wasted my time in grad school, I saw some people around me buying homes, getting married, etc. I barely talk to any of my friends who were so close back in college. But it slowly has changed, and started getting better. I have a supportive boyfriend. Our relationship has it's moments, but it is still good. I just started an awesome job that I absolutely love last week. I have cool new bosses. I have every evening off now. No longer have to work a P/T job unless I want to. I am sure things are not always going to be wonderful, but I guess what I am trying to say, is there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes it just takes a long time to get there ;).

[Girly55]

Lynn.. welcome to the board.. I'm pretty new too :)

I feel EXACTLY the same way! Its like after 22 years of school we're just thrown into the real world and we have no idea what we're supposed to be doing. Like you, I tell people what I'm doing and fake a smile and tell them how excited I am to be in the program I'm in... meanwhile I'm so embarrassed to even talk about the fact that I'm back taking undergrad pre reqs. So far this board has been helping me alot... ive found acceptance, encouragement, and suggestions i would not have thought of on my own.

A few years ago my parents got divorced. Like you just described... back then I would stay in bed for whole days- i was completely overly sad. At the time, I tried a therapist... actually.. I tried a bunch... it was really hard for me to find one i liked.

But what i think also really helped me was that I started keeping a journal. I was able to vent for pages and pages to get out some of my frustration. And as time went by i became more sure of what I wanted and was able to make lists of all the positive changes I wanted to make in my life and how i could get there. I've even started a new one recently to help with this whole situation.

It might be worth a shot...

and definately check out Winneythepoo7's posting "QLC Applicable Message" it might give you some really great encouragement.

good luck!

[carrot3124]

Hey there, welcome to the boards. I'm in the same boat. In college, they don't tell you about the transition from school to the real world. It sucks. On the outside, everything looks great, but I'm miserable on the inside. I moved to a tiny little town with an aging population, so there's NOTHING to do here. It's been really hard to make friends. I've been miserable, but after 11 months here, I've been forcing myself to go out with my fiance and his friends. One of his friends brought his girlfriend and she and I hit it off immediately! I'm so excited that I found a freakin girl friend! I don't work with anyone my age (I work entirely on my own), so it's been especially hard to make friends. It sucks that it took this long! My very few close friends are scattered along the east coast...I spend A LOT of time on the phone. It helps satisfy that "social interaction" that I desperately need! I usually take at least one weekend a month to go home or visit a friend in another city/state. It's hard and it'll take awhile, but you'll get through it! It's harder than it sounds, but I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel! I think talking to a therapist also helps. Good luck!

[sdkolb]

Hey there, welcome to the boards. I'm in the same boat. In college, they don't tell you about the transition from school to the real world. It sucks. On the outside, everything looks great, but I'm miserable on the inside. I moved to a tiny little town with an aging population, so there's NOTHING to do here. It's been really hard to make friends. I've been miserable, but after 11 months here, I've been forcing myself to go out with my fiance and his friends. One of his friends brought his girlfriend and she and I hit it off immediately! I'm so excited that I found a freakin girl friend! I don't work with anyone my age (I work entirely on my own), so it's been especially hard to make friends. It sucks that it took this long! My very few close friends are scattered along the east coast...I spend A LOT of time on the phone. It helps satisfy that "social interaction" that I desperately need! I usually take at least one weekend a month to go home or visit a friend in another city/state. It's hard and it'll take awhile, but you'll get through it! It's harder than it sounds, but I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel! I think talking to a therapist also helps. Good luck!

If you don't mind, maybe I will share my story here - from the beginning to the end. I graduated from college in May of 2004 - worked at a summer camp and then went to Taiwan for 10 months. That was a good experience, but it was sad because I didn't have any friends. I moved back to the states in June of this year (2005) - lived at home with my parents for about a week and a half - to get over the jet lag and then I started seriously looking for a job. I spent two weeks in the Twin Cities doing interviews and other things. I then went to Germany for 10 days for World Youth Day and then 4 days after that I started working. WHEW! The problem I have is that I have a hard time dealing with the unknown - thus the reason why I rushed into looking for a job. Also, knowing that my deferment of school loans would be up at the end of Oct. I knew I needed to begin working and saving some money to pay for them.

Last weekend I had gone to a workshop (FROM Mission to Mission) - for volunteers dealing with the transition and re-entry process. This was SO good for me. I was able to reflect on where my life is at now and came to the realization that I moved very quickly from my Taiwan trip to working without really putting some closure on my Taiwan trip. I have put some pictures in picture frames from Taiwan to make myself more concious of that experience as I felt that it was just locked away in the closet.

My feelings lately have been that of an "empty cup". I feel like nothing is inside - it is just empty and I am just being placed from one spot to another - just going through the movements. I have thought about going to see a therapist, but not really sure how much I would pay for that. I have learned that I need to find a support system and I have realized that the people who I thought could be of help, maybe won't be the greatest. I am living in a bigger city now - grew up in a small town and went to a smaller college so felt a sense of community. Now, living in the Twin Cities, I feel that I don't have a sense of community and I am longing for this. I do have some friends and extended family in the area, but I still feel alone. After coming back from Taiwan, I have been analyzing the friendships I have and began to question if they are worth continuing them or not. I am also looking for a church to attend. I thought I had one, but then the priest had said "Catholics cannot be picking or choosing what they believe in" - realized that it must have been a conservative church and I don't believe what that priest said. SO, moving away from that one.

If you have any advice or if you are in the Twin Cities area of MN - let me know and perhaps we can meet each other.