PDA

View Full Version : Sister's getting a divorce



jillybean
10-13-2005, 04:24 PM
I am just devastated...my sister's husband was caught having an affair with someone he works with. He's been having the affair for a year. My sister is 37, the other woman is 27.He and my sister have been married 9 years, have three beautiful children together and everyone thought their marriage was the most perfect thing ever. It's really hard for me to accept that they will not be together anymore and ever harder is what to say to my sister and how to help. I can't even imagine the pain. (She devoted her life to him, was so selfless and loved him and the kids with every bone in her body).

I told my bf about the situation, we live together with his mother, who just went through the same thing four years ago. My boyfriend's father left his mother after over 30 years of marriage for another woman he'd been having an affair with. While I was at work today, my boyfriend called and told me that he had talked with his mom about my sister and that his mom had advice that she wanted me to tell my sister about dealing with the divorce. Now I appreciate the thought, but MY mom doesn't even know yet and I feel weird talking to his mom about it. She's a very upfront person and I know that when I get home she is going to want to talk about it at length...telling my sister to get a good lawyer, freeze his assets, etc. But she's never met my sister, doesn't know what this divorce means to our family...I don't want to disrespect her and her opinions, should I take follow her advice? I just dont know what to do...just thinking about this whole situation makes me sick.

meatwad
10-13-2005, 04:26 PM
I would tell your sister that your BF's mom went through the same thing and that you're sure she'd be willing to talk to your sister IF your sister wanted to.

jillybean
10-13-2005, 04:31 PM
Thats good advice...its just weird..i'm 15 years younger than her (i was the very unexpected surprise for my parents) and I have always felt like the younger sister who looks to the older sister for everything..and to have her be at such a vulnerable point in her life, i think it's going to be hard for her to turn to me, the closest (physically speaking) relative to her right now. We are very close, but i've always gone to her for advice, you know what i mean?

PVD99
10-13-2005, 04:33 PM
That's terrible. Sometimes I think that some people just aren't meant for marriage. Either that or they married the wrong person. Is the guy serious with this 27 year old woman now? Is it enough for him to leave the marriage and not perhaps see a marriage counselor to work through the problem?

I know someone who is 37 and her husband is 34, and he cheated on his wife with his 23 year old secretary. :mad: They have two very little boys. Poor things. They are divorced now, but it was for the best because he is an immature asshole still at the age of 34.

Winter Storm
10-13-2005, 04:36 PM
I'm sorry to hear that, Jillybean. I think it's very unfortunate that even in what seems like the most ideal union, there can be something seedy going on behind someone's back, Really deceiving everyone. I don't know why it is so hard for some people to honor their vows and spouses and stay faithful.

I hope your sister can take comfort in you and your family, rebuild and move on.

jillybean
10-13-2005, 04:40 PM
My sister found out about the affair baout 5 months ago. He told her he was feeling confused and was going through a mid-life-crisis of sorts. She wanted to give him the chance to come back, stop the affair. They decided that they would move away (about an hour, to the town they both grew up in and where his parents live) to just get away from this woman (meanwhile, my sister just found out that the woman MOVED A MONTH AGO FROM FLORIDA TO BE CLOSER TO HIM!!) They figured if they got out of the situation, it would end, his job would relocate him and they would try for their love for each other and the children to stay together. Just two days ago, she woke up with the kids, checked her husbands phone and there was a text message from the woman reminding him to bring extra clothes to work. She confronted him and told him it was over and a bag would be on the front steps for him.

LakeJay
10-13-2005, 04:40 PM
Thats good advice...its just weird..i'm 15 years younger than her (i was the very unexpected surprise for my parents) and I have always felt like the younger sister who looks to the older sister for everything..and to have her be at such a vulnerable point in her life, i think it's going to be hard for her to turn to me, the closest (physically speaking) relative to her right now. We are very close, but i've always gone to her for advice, you know what i mean?

It's understandable that you wouldn't be used to the role-reversal. I would say follow your sister's lead by being there for her and being the support for her that she would be for you. She had enough trust and confidence to let you know what had happened so that's a positive sign.

As meatwad suggested, I would let your sister know that you know of someone who has gone through the same situation. Having your bf's mother speak directly to your sister may be better than you serving as a go-between.

Winter Storm
10-13-2005, 04:42 PM
My sister found out about the affair baout 5 months ago. He told her he was feeling confused and was going through a mid-life-crisis of sorts. She wanted to give him the chance to come back, stop the affair. They decided that they would move away (about an hour, to the town they both grew up in and where his parents live) to just get away from this woman (meanwhile, my sister just found out that the woman MOVED A MONTH AGO FROM FLORIDA TO BE CLOSER TO HIM!!) They figured if they got out of the situation, it would end, his job would relocate him and they would try for their love for each other and the children to stay together. Just two days ago, she woke up with the kids, checked her husbands phone and there was a text message from the woman reminding him to bring extra clothes to work. She confronted him and told him it was over and a bag would be on the front steps for him.

That is absolutely awful. I think the worst part of it is there may be true feelings there. I think that makes it even more painful than if it were just a sexual fling.

jillybean
10-13-2005, 04:45 PM
Thank you so much Winter...it one of those things you never think is going to happen to you, or someone in your family...and then it just slaps you in the face. I feel almost guilty for being so depressed and sad about it because of how much worse it must feel for my sister to be going through it. I just hope it doesn't make me jaded in my relationships now that it has hit so very close to home. How can I stay sane, and trusting of my relationships?

meatwad
10-13-2005, 05:05 PM
Make sure you give you sis a big hug. I've known people who went through this and sometimes they just need to really feel loved to help cope.

summergold
10-13-2005, 05:07 PM
I'm so sorry to hear about all this jilly. My father did something similar to what your brother-in-law did. The other woman is now my stepmother. I've often wondered what causes someone to cheat. I can't come up with an answer that even remotely satisfies me. My dad pulled his stunt about thirteen years ago. It's interesting to look at how everyone's life has changed in those years. My mother is now wonderfully happy with my stepdad, and my father is miserable with his wife. My brother and I speak with him very infrequently, but I talk to my mom all the time. When I think back to the time when all of this was going on, I remember how painful it was. I basically felt as if my father threw everything away, and he basically had. The only thing that I can say in regards to your sister is for her to get a GOOD lawyer. Not to punish her husband but to protect herself and the children. Situations like this break you down, but you have to try with all your might to not become bitter, but that's really hard when your life is falling down around you.

inuts
10-13-2005, 05:29 PM
I am just devastated...my sister's husband was caught having an affair with someone he works with. He's been having the affair for a year. My sister is 37, the other woman is 27.He and my sister have been married 9 years, have three beautiful children together and everyone thought their marriage was the most perfect thing ever. It's really hard for me to accept that they will not be together anymore and ever harder is what to say to my sister and how to help. I can't even imagine the pain. (She devoted her life to him, was so selfless and loved him and the kids with every bone in her body).

I told my bf about the situation, we live together with his mother, who just went through the same thing four years ago. My boyfriend's father left his mother after over 30 years of marriage for another woman he'd been having an affair with. While I was at work today, my boyfriend called and told me that he had talked with his mom about my sister and that his mom had advice that she wanted me to tell my sister about dealing with the divorce. Now I appreciate the thought, but MY mom doesn't even know yet and I feel weird talking to his mom about it. She's a very upfront person and I know that when I get home she is going to want to talk about it at length...telling my sister to get a good lawyer, freeze his assets, etc. But she's never met my sister, doesn't know what this divorce means to our family...I don't want to disrespect her and her opinions, should I take follow her advice? I just dont know what to do...just thinking about this whole situation makes me sick.

I just wanted to say that that's terrible, and I'm very sorry. I think you could say something similar to "I really appreciate your advice. I am going to do the best I can for my sister right now, and I'm going to see where she's at first before I do anything..." I think this way you've graciously given her consideration, but put the "what's best for my sister" idea in front of your bf's mother so that she won't get too upset if you don't take her advice.

But anyway, I'm sorry. That's terrible.

jillybean
10-13-2005, 05:39 PM
Thanks for so many thoughful replies...really makes dealing with this easier.

steph78
10-13-2005, 05:43 PM
This is really sad/shocking sort of news - so sorry your family is having to deal with something like this.

I've got to say, though - from your description of the sequence of events, I REALLY admire your sister for how she reacted - upon first hearing this news to try to work hard to keep their family together, and upon hearing that her husband was still cheating even after she'd given him an opportunity to work it out actually standing up and telling him there would be a bag on the front steps! That had to be so hard, but I don't think she should have any regrets about HER actions at least. If I were in the same situation I don't know if I would be strong enough to cope as well. I know it will be tough going for her in the months ahead but I bet you'll help her a lot just by being there to lend an ear and be a friend.

tina1979
10-13-2005, 06:22 PM
(((hugs)))
wow! this is definately a tough one. I agree that you should mention to her you know someone who has gone through the smae thing and would be willing to talk to her and offer advice. Its not always the best thing to take ppl's advice about things like this because of all the legalities, but if nothing else I bet your bf's mom could offer a good lawyer.

hellboy
10-13-2005, 08:47 PM
My sister found out about the affair baout 5 months ago. He told her he was feeling confused and was going through a mid-life-crisis of sorts.

Thats awful. Your sister gave him a chance and he screwed up. What a looser. Poor little kids. Good that your sister has you. Keep talking to her and let her know you care. I think she should talk to your BF s mom. Hire a good lawyer and take him to the cleaners. No mercy.

This is off the topic but for some one who contemplated having affair with her married boss, look at all these ppl getting hurt. Please dont do it.

jillybean
10-14-2005, 10:22 AM
Yeah, I read that post about someone wanting to have an affair with her married boss and it sounded so familiar to what has happened to my family. I started to cry reading it. There is never any reason to cheat, or to mess around with someone who is married. It is quite possibly the most selfish thing anyone can do.