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View Full Version : First Serious Relationship_Stop playing games?



tiredofphilly11
10-18-2005, 09:14 AM
Ok so Im 23 and FINALLY having my first serious relationship. Uh and the guy is 16 years older! haha i know, go figure. Anyways my boyfriend and I have been spending every other day with each other. I sleep at his house Fri - Mon, have dinner every other night AND just got back from a 7 day vacation. Furthermore, Im UNEMPLOYED/applying to grad school and have gotten to the point where I feel like my entire life is HIM. This scares the shit out of me and I decided that I would take a week off from him. Well, now he is getting mucho suspicious (even tho i have valid exuses, i.e. studying for GRE). Is taking a week off a good thing? Or is it just causing more drama? I guess Im scared shitless that my entire life evolves around him right now.

wordsmith
10-18-2005, 09:29 AM
You should probably tell him that, otherwise it's gonna seem like you're just ducking out.

biodork
10-18-2005, 09:35 AM
I wouldn't say it's not going to work. My grandparents were 15 years apart, and were just about to reach 49 years of marriage last month before my grandpa died, it can work.

But you need to communicate! I would say that is a major reason a lot of relationships fail. Sometimes it might hurt, but you have be open. And it is ok to take a break from someone. Everyone needs breaks, even in the best relationships.

wordsmith
10-18-2005, 09:37 AM
Exactly...whatever the age gap, if you're not going to talk to somebody about issues you're having, your relationship isn't goint to work.

biodork
10-18-2005, 09:43 AM
Yeah things were different back then but you can't say it's never going to work. It DOES work for some people. And honestly my grandma has never been traditional in any way whatsoever, so I'd say she'd do it again today if she was young.

wordsmith
10-18-2005, 09:44 AM
I would be amazed if most people involved in a relationship where there's a significant age difference HADN'T thought about the ramifications of the gap.

biodork
10-18-2005, 09:46 AM
Yeah its not that i'm saying it's not there and people don't think about it, but saying that the relationship is doomed to fail because of the age gap isn't true.

biodork
10-18-2005, 10:16 AM
I agree that age differences usually mean different priorities, but not everyone at age 24 have the same ones. I have a friend who just turned 20, and is in her senior year of college already, and is ready to start her professional life. Do I think she should enjoy her college life more? Yes, but that's not what she wants. Her attitude and priorities are that of someone much older.

Either way, the OP wasn't asking if her relationship is going to fail, just if it's ok to take a break. And I answered that one.

coll214
10-18-2005, 10:29 AM
Age differences CAN work, if both are willing to work at it. It seems to me the OP just wanted a little breathing room for a little while. As long as your honest about it, he should respect your feelings about it.

wordsmith
10-18-2005, 10:35 AM
Right. I don't really see this thread as the place for an assessment of whether or not somebody's relationship will work with the age gap. Right now, the issue how the OP deals with feeling like too much of her life is absorbed in a first-time relationship.

temptation
10-18-2005, 10:41 AM
I think emotional maturity is more important than age. I don't think 15 years is that much of a difference. I was not a typical 14 year old and I've hung out with older people all my life. Even though my life choices are often consistent with my age, I find communication with older people a lot more enjoyable. I think a relationship is possible as long as the communication is flowing.

paiger81
10-18-2005, 10:44 AM
I think emotional maturity is more important than age. I don't think 15 years is that much of a difference. I was not a typical 14 year old and I've hung out with older people all my life. Even though my life choices are often consistent with my age, I find communication with older people a lot more enjoyable. I think a relationship is possible as long as the communication is flowing.

Agreed.

But, back to the OP. I say be honest with your man about what scares you & why you want to step away for a week(which in the span of time isn't that long). I say, go with your gut.

WeirdBrake
10-18-2005, 10:55 AM
16 years older is extreme. In all seriousness, I don't see the relationship lasting due to the age difference. He'll be 40 soon, and you'll be 24.

Can you understand why this comment is rude and offensive? Or do I have to explain it to you step by step?

Tayl405
10-18-2005, 10:56 AM
But do you think a week is going to matter? Because once that week is up, if you go back to your normal routine with him, then you didn't fix anything. What about doing something like taking specific days where you make plans with other people (or just yourself). Like maybe Thursday can be girls night or something? It's hard when things get intense quickly, but like the others said, communication is KEY.

paiger81
10-18-2005, 10:58 AM
I agree with Tayl. Also, the OP says she spends every other night with the BF, why isn't the OP going out or making friends the nights she is not with the BF?

paiger81
10-18-2005, 11:31 AM
Please explain. What, if he was 50 it still wouldn't matter? 60? But 40 is ok? If his age didn't make a difference, she wouldn't have posted it.

Did it ever occur to you age has nothing to do about it, personality might?

I've got a coworker who is 40 and her husband just turned 80, yes 80 They've been married for about 10 years. My best friend has been married for 6 years to a guy who is 10 years older than she, their first baby is on the way. Age is only an issue if you let it be an issue.

wordsmith
10-18-2005, 11:37 AM
And, also, what's the magic cut-off where age differences start to matter? A 24-year old can't relate to a 40-year old and vice versa? What about somebody who's 18 being able to relate to somebody who's 25?

I dated a 33-year old who is absolutely as lost and ungrounded in his life as anybody I've ever met. I know recent college graduates with their lives more together. I also dated somebody one who, at about 6 years younger than I am, was miles ahead of me in maturity. You can't assess where a person's at simply by his or her age alone.

WeirdBrake
10-18-2005, 11:42 AM
Please explain. What, if he was 50 it still wouldn't matter? 60? But 40 is ok? If his age didn't make a difference, she wouldn't have posted it.

OK, I will patiently explain. Telling someone outright that her relationship won't last is considered by most people to be rude. Rude as in bad manners, bad etiquette, a violation of social norms. For one reason, it is insulting. When you tell someone her relationship won't last, you are dismissing that person's relationship and, with it, dismissing that person's feelings about it. People have major feelings invested in these matters; you can't treat them with the cold detachment that you would a computer program.

Furthermore, as others have pointed out (far more patiently and generously, I might add), age differences-- even big ones-- don't necessarily doom a relationship, so you're simply wrong on that. You've insultingly dismissed all relationships with big age differences, and you've done so on the basis of some very questionable and superficial reasoning. Can you imagine if someone on here made similar remarks about interracial relationships or gay relationships? The mods would pounce, and you know it. That's why I'm calling you out for what you've said here.

wordsmith
10-18-2005, 11:49 AM
Seriously...people of different races may have different perspectives and priorites things, often. So might people from different cultural backgrounds...or people from different sorts of upbringings, or who were raised in different areas of the country. Does this mean that their relationships with people who aren't "like them" are doomed? I don't think so. Saying that relationships with age gaps are doomed to fail is just another way of claiming that people who are different from one another can't have successful relationships, and I don't think that's true.

shimmer728
10-18-2005, 12:06 PM
People who are the same effing race and the same effing age often have different perspective and priorities. DUH.

wordsmith
10-18-2005, 12:10 PM
But, Shimmer. WB's a Jewish atheist and you're Catholic. How do you think you're EVER going to get past that one? :rolleyes:

WeirdBrake
10-18-2005, 12:19 PM
J-girl... Allison and Jess were responding to OSS with their posts. We all agree with you. :)

shimmer728
10-18-2005, 12:22 PM
But, Shimmer. WB's a Jewish atheist and you're Catholic. How do you think you're EVER going to get past that one? :rolleyes:

By poking fun at our religious differences by dressing as a Catholic schoolgirl and a rabbi for Halloween, of course! :D

Yep, J-girl, I totally agree with you.

shimmer728
10-18-2005, 12:27 PM
You guys HAVE to do that PLEASE! :D

We so are! I can't wait.

k.monster
10-18-2005, 12:32 PM
Well, now he is getting mucho suspicious (even tho i have valid exuses, i.e. studying for GRE).

Is it just me or does this concern anyone else? IMO, If he isn't willing to let you have time for yourself to take care of the things you need to do, then you do have a problem. Regardless of age, if you're in a serious relationship then he should respect you, and the things you need to do without acting "mucho suspicious"

wordsmith
10-18-2005, 12:36 PM
Yeah, that was why I posted what I first posted.

If you're going to spend a shitload of time around somebody, then abruptly scale it back with no explanation, I bet the other person's going to get worried. That's why I recommended TALKING to the guy about why, rather than just avoiding.

I didn't read it as the guy wasn't LETTING her take time for herself, but as she wasn't explaining the reason for the backoff. I know if I'm seeing somebody, and they suddenly back way the hell off, I feel upset and suspicious about why too. It's better to just talk about what's wrong.

labrat2111
10-18-2005, 12:36 PM
Is it just me or does this concern anyone else? IMO, If he isn't willing to let you have time for yourself to take care of the things you need to do, then you do have a problem. Regardless of age, if you're in a serious relationship then he should respect you, and the things you need to do without acting "mucho suspicious"

Well if she has told him that she wants some time to herself then yes it does but if she just disappeared for a week I can understand him being a bit unsettled and wanting to know what is going on. He's not a mind reader.

Bugsey34
10-18-2005, 12:58 PM
I was in a similar situation recently, I think you should communicate to him that you're feeling this way.

I wonder though... is this intensity so early a good or bad thing, in people's experiences? Didn't work out for me.

paiger81
10-18-2005, 12:59 PM
I was in a similar situation recently, I think you should communicate to him that you're feeling this way.

I wonder though... is this intensity so early a good or bad thing, in people's experiences? Didn't work out for me.


True, except the OP doesn't really say if this relationship is in it's early period or not, just that she is finally in her first real relationship.

Gee, I hope she returns to let us know what's up!

SunDevil
10-18-2005, 07:22 PM
No, it means that I should be dating 9 year olds. I guess I will have to wait another 9 years to go out on a date. Damn laws.

If you have stuff in common, it is ok. But, I'm sure you are making his friends jealous.