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Deavan
11-23-2005, 02:28 PM
I have been with my bf for over a year and this thanksgiving he did not invite me to turkey day with him, I found this weird considering I had no real plans at all, and he knew that; also it was the first turkey day that I am without my mother so I found it double weird that he didn't invite me in on his plans...

So a couple of days ago I ask him what the deal is since it was festering and he claims it didnt cross his mind to invite me with him.

Then today my email exchanges with him go like this...So now tonight my plans which were supposedly including him fell through so I ask him what he is doing and he says he is going out drinking with some coworkers after work and then after that he wasnt sure what he was doing...so I said cool can I meet you out...he then says well actually I might be going back to my hometown to meet some friends from HS, and I said well that is cool can I meet you out...and he doesnt answer me so then I ask him when the "NEXT time I am going to see him since he BLATANTLY doesn't want to see me tonight or turkey day" and all he responds with "your sarcasm is noted and not appreciated" to which I responded it "way to avoid the question, and that wasn't sarcasm but rather the attitude you are projecting."

I don;t know what the frick is up since he won't talk to me when I try to have a rationale discussion, and I find is super bizzare that he rather go out and drink with co-workers then see me particularly when we barely get to see each other as is and this is a chance when we are both technically free...

I am so upset about this that I am not able to focus at work

lawya girl
11-23-2005, 02:31 PM
That sucks, Deavan. I think you need to have at least a phone conversation with your bf. These things never go well over email. (((HUGS)))) I'm sorry.

shimmer728
11-23-2005, 02:34 PM
That sounds fishy to me. It kind of reminds me of a situation I was in two Thanksgivings ago......the guy I was dating started acting exactly like that. I didn't care too much, though, because we had only been together a few months and I didn't feel that emotionally invested in the relationship. But, um......he dumped me shortly afterwards.

NOT saying that's going to happen to you. But I would demand an answer from your BF about why he's blowing you off.

Incidentally, I am not seeing my man either on Thanksgiving, but I'll spend the next three days with him. I have to work, so what choice do I have?

Your BF should level with you. Good luck!

Winter Storm
11-23-2005, 02:44 PM
I'm sorry but I have a real beef when guys don't invite girlfriends they've been with for a good amount of time to family and holiday occasions, since I have had this happen to me.

To me, for him to not include you and not even think of you doing a holiday when you've clearly had no plans shows a blatant lack of regard and I'd be questioning his feelings for you and whether you are even on his top 5 list of priorities.

It sounds to me that his heart isn't really into you and you should definitely have a heart-to-heart with him about it. If he blows you off, avoids the subject or tries to wiggle his way out of it, then unfortunately, there's your answer.

Also, (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))), Deaven. I do know how much this hurts. You should be included and it sucks that he doesn't feel the same.

wordsmith
11-23-2005, 03:00 PM
I think it's a crock of shit that your boyfriend would not be more considerate and inclusive of you on a family-centric holiday, especially given that you've lost your mom. I can't imagine leaving ANYBODY alone on a holiday when they have had a parent die, let alone your S.O. That's utterly inexcusable.

Winter Storm
11-23-2005, 03:01 PM
I think it's a crock of shit that your boyfriend would not be more considerate and inclusive of you on a family-centric holiday, especially given that you've lost your mom. I can't imagine leaving ANYBODY alone on a holiday when they have had a parent die, let alone your S.O. That's utterly inexcusable.

Oh, I didn't realize you were the one that recently lost your mother. Huge red flag! I don't think this guy is worth it.

Dump him!

Deavan
11-23-2005, 03:03 PM
Oh, I didn't realize you were the one that recently lost your mother. Huge red flag! I don't think this guy is worth it.

Dump him!


Yeah easier said then done :cry:

And I do sort of have plans but they are more like "fall back plans" not with immediate family but rather like second cousins once removed who I have never been close to before but are on my mothers side of the family and felt compelled to include me this year but I am so so not excited about it and my bf KNOWs this...

Winter Storm
11-23-2005, 03:05 PM
Just talk to him first. Find out his reason for not including you. You really deserve to know.

coll214
11-23-2005, 03:26 PM
Aww, Deaven that's just awful... at the minimum he should give you a reason. One year I was dating someone and we both decided to go to our own family stuff seeing as how we hadn't been together all that long... but at least we discussed it! Have you met his family already? And if he knows how you feel, then he should be there for you... end of story.

Deavan
11-23-2005, 03:30 PM
Aww, Deaven that's just awful... at the minimum he should give you a reason. One year I was dating someone and we both decided to go to our own family stuff seeing as how we hadn't been together all that long... but at least we discussed it! Have you met his family already? And if he knows how you feel, then he should be there for you... end of story.


Yes I have met his family and they are nice people, and it seemed as if his parents liked me...his mother and her friends rode in a bike race that was rasing funds for MS and she asked her him if it was ok if her and her friend rode in honor of my mother...a woman they hadnt met

and1grad
11-23-2005, 03:33 PM
Did you guys do turkey day together before? If not, I dont see any reason to wave any red flags. Also, I think you kinda went overboard on your email responses. Its not a bad thing for your bf to want to spend time with his friends.

Deavan
11-23-2005, 03:34 PM
Did you guys do turkey day together before? If not, I dont see any reason to wave any red flags. Also, I think you kinda went overboard on your email responses. Its not a bad thing for your bf to want to spend time with his friends.

Yeah but why wouldnt he tell me he was going out with his friends from home the first time why tell me afte I asked if I could join him

Winter Storm
11-23-2005, 03:39 PM
... he claims it didnt cross his mind to invite me with him...

This is the red flag to me. When the holidays come around, most people being making plans that include those they care for the most.

wordsmith
11-23-2005, 03:43 PM
Agreed. It "not crossing his mind" is a major red flag...when you're committed to somebody, how they are doing emotionally DOES cross your mind, and it would stand to reason for most people that a holiday after the death of a parent would be a potentially difficult time, and a time when a S.O. would probably need a little EXTRA TLC, to be honest. I think it's super noteworthy that it wouldn't cross your one's mind to be considerate of a S.O.'s feelings, particularly when they're coming out of an emotionally traumatic time. That's pretty cold, in my opinion.

and1grad
11-23-2005, 03:50 PM
This is the red flag to me. When the holidays come around, most people being making plans that include those they care for the most.
It doesnt mean your SO particularly wants to go with you or doesnt have plans on their own tho. Especially if they usually do have plans. I think you guys are making way too much out of it.

wordsmith
11-23-2005, 03:54 PM
Gotta disagree with you there. Maybe under normal circumstances. But her mom died. Kid gloves are in order.

coll214
11-23-2005, 03:56 PM
Gotta disagree with you there. Maybe under normal circumstances. But her mom died. Kid gloves are in order.
110% agreed. If they've been together that long, the dude should realize this isn't exactly gonna be the easiest of times this year...

Winter Storm
11-23-2005, 03:59 PM
It doesnt mean your SO particularly wants to go with you or doesnt have plans on their own tho. Especially if they usually do have plans. I think you guys are making way too much out of it.

Yeah and I think this is clearly another case where the sexes do not understand each other.

I wouldn't want to be with a guy that doesn't want to see me on holidays, especially if we already don't see each other much and particularly if I'm still greiving the death of a parent and I have no plans.

I thought the point of being in a relationship is having companionship. If he doesn't feel that way, then maybe they need to re-evaluate the relationship.

and1grad
11-23-2005, 03:59 PM
But she said her mom's family invited her to Thanksgiving already. Is he supposed to say "Forget that, come to my family's instead?" That wouldnt be kid gloves.

Winter Storm
11-23-2005, 04:01 PM
Gotta disagree with you there. Maybe under normal circumstances. But her mom died. Kid gloves are in order.

Then add on to that fact that he didn't come to her and explain that he'd made separate plans. She had to basically dig it out of him and when questioned, he gave her the blow-off.

This is not how you treat someone you truely care for.

and1grad
11-23-2005, 04:01 PM
Yeah and I think this is clearly another case where the sexes do not understand each other.
I agree with that.

wordsmith
11-23-2005, 04:05 PM
But she said her mom's family invited her to Thanksgiving already. Is he supposed to say "Forget that, come to my family's instead?" That wouldnt be kid gloves.

Kid gloves would be "I realize you might need me right now." If she said "No, that's okay...I'll go to the extended family, it will be fine," that's one thing. But he didn't even check. Not very sensitive, and this is a time when sensitivity is DEF. called for.



Then add on to that fact that he didn't come to her and explain that he'd made separate plans. She had to basically dig it out of him and when questioned, he gave her the blow-off.

This is not how you treat someone you truely care for.

Exactly my thought process, too...this doesn't sound like, "I was unthinkingly and innocently insensitive." It sounds like genuinely not caring. Not the way a boyfriend of more than a year ought to be acting given the circumstances.

Deavan
11-23-2005, 04:08 PM
This whole thing blows and I agree with the ladies here...an1grad has valid points as well but this is a situation that is not the norm for most 20 somethings and I would hope that my bf could be sensitive to that...

Now I gotta figure out how to talk to him about the situation...

wordsmith
11-23-2005, 04:11 PM
but this is a situation that is not the norm for most 20 somethings and I would hope that my bf could be sensitive to that...

I would hope so, too. There's normal guy insensitivity, but this is kind of beyond that.

jdt141
11-23-2005, 04:15 PM
Follow your own advice

"Never allow someone else to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option"

If it was a month or two, then I wouldn't think anything of it. A year, sorry - something is up. (I'm agreeing with the gals on this board... this is a first) :eek:

Sorry to hear it. hope things work out for ya :(

and1grad
11-23-2005, 04:20 PM
Now I gotta figure out how to talk to him about the situation...
I think THAT will be tricky. My suggestion would be to again express how much you're NOT excited about going to your "fall back" and saying how you would much rather do something else. Please Please Please...do not drop hints. We're guys, not detectives.

wordsmith
11-23-2005, 04:23 PM
Should she just straightforwardly say, "This is going to be a rough holiday, and I need you to understand that. I need to be with you?" It seems like he's trying to kind of avoid that, so I'm not sure how well it would be taken.

Winter Storm
11-23-2005, 04:25 PM
My suggestion would be to again express how much you're NOT excited about going to your "fall back" and saying how you would much rather do something else. Please Please Please...do not drop hints. We're guys, not detectives.

That actually sounds more like dropping a hint than being direct. Come straight out and ask why you weren't included, how he actually feels about you and tell him how this made you feel.

You will get your answer by the way he answers.

wordsmith
11-23-2005, 04:27 PM
That's what I was thinking. "I'd rather be doing 'something' else" smacks of "hint, hint...pssst, now's your cue to offer to spend time with me!"

and1grad
11-23-2005, 04:29 PM
Well..thats also a good way to start a fight. "Lets start a conversation by immediately throwing a guy into the defensive." I'm sure MUCH will get resolved that way. :googly:

wordsmith
11-23-2005, 04:31 PM
Hey, he already ditched his grieving girlfriend of more than a year over the holidays, the first one without her mom. I'm guessing that a confrontation isn't too far off regardless.

Winter Storm
11-23-2005, 04:32 PM
Well..thats also a good way to start a fight. "Lets start a conversation by immediately throwing a guy into the defensive." I'm sure MUCH will get resolved that way. :googly:

If there is going to be a fight, it started when the insensitive boyfriend basically forgot he had a girlfriend around the holidays, then put on the 'what's the big deal' attitude when questioned about it.

Oh yeah, dere's gon be a fight!

and1grad
11-23-2005, 04:34 PM
Now you two have gone from recommending a discussion to saying she should knowingly start a fight? Wow.

winneythepooh7
11-23-2005, 04:35 PM
I am so sorry you are going through this. I just read this whole thread and I think I gotta say too that something is fishy in this situation. I think that he may not be the one. Have a convo with him after work and depending on how he addresses you, you will have your answers. Good luck!

Winter Storm
11-23-2005, 04:36 PM
Now you two have gone from recommending a discussion to saying she should knowingly start a fight? Wow.

Don't be trying to twist my words. I said she should start by talking to him

But if this leads to a fight, he started it. And if he sees that this is a problem for her, he should resolve it!

and1grad
11-23-2005, 04:40 PM
Don't be trying to twist my words. I said she should start by talking to him

But if this leads to a fight, he started it. And if he sees that this is a problem for her, he should resolve it!
Oh, sorry. Usually when you start a convo with something resembling "Hey, what the fuck?" an argument follows. Its hilarious to me how every time a woman brings up an issue with her man, the women of the board's first response is "Dump him." Amazing.

Winter Storm
11-23-2005, 04:45 PM
Oh, sorry. Usually when you start a convo with something resembling "Hey, what the fuck?" an argument follows. Its hilarious to me how every time a woman brings up an issue with her man, the women of the board's first response is "Dump him." Amazing.

Whatever, man.
And the first response was to talk to him about it. If he then showed he still didn't care, then dump him.

It's hilarious to me how some men make the silliest assumptions, switch words and responses around and give the worst advice. Amazing. (sigh)

and1grad
11-23-2005, 04:46 PM
Whatever, man.
And the first response was to talk to him about it. If he then showed he still didn't care, then dump him.

It's hilarious to me how some men make the silliest assumptions, switch words and responses around and give the worst advice. Amazing. (sigh)
Ya because I'm the one making the assumptions. :googly:

Winter Storm
11-23-2005, 04:47 PM
Ya because I'm the one making the assumptions. :googly:

You got it!

wordsmith
11-23-2005, 04:50 PM
It's hilarious to me how some men make the silliest assumptions, switch words and responses around and give the worst advice. Amazing. (sigh)

No shit.

You said to be straightforward, man. Now, apparently, being straightforward is the same thing as starting a fight. Here was my suggestion:


Should she just straightforwardly say, "This is going to be a rough holiday, and I need you to understand that. I need to be with you?"

How is that being confrontational or starting a fight? How is it anything but a straightforward expression of feelings and expectations, no hints, no beating around the bush?

If you're gonna call that "picking a fight," you ARE twisting words.

and1grad
11-23-2005, 04:50 PM
To me, for him to not include you and not even think of you doing a holiday when you've clearly had no plans shows a blatant lack of regard and I'd be questioning his feelings for you and whether you are even on his top 5 list of priorities.

It sounds to me that his heart isn't really into you and you should definitely have a heart-to-heart with him about it. If he blows you off, avoids the subject or tries to wiggle his way out of it, then unfortunately, there's your answer.
Right...twisting words around and bad advice seem to be at a premium. Funny how saying he doesnt have feelings for you sounds a lot like "you should break up."

winneythepooh7
11-23-2005, 04:53 PM
I think guys in general when they hear "I want to talk to you about something" instantly think, "Fight". I know my boyfriend and basically every guy I have ever dated thought this, and immediately, got a bit defensive. But this could just be a New York thing in And1's defense. I know Californians are known for being more "laid back" and something else, but I don't want to say it cause it is just a stereotype ;).

Winter Storm
11-23-2005, 04:54 PM
Deavan,

And1grad here has demonstrated how some men can be completely insensitive to others' feelings and not see anything wrong with it.

Please talk with your boyfriend ASAP and let us know how it goes. Best of luck to you.

P.S. I wish you lived near me, cause I'd invite you out with me tomorrow.
Try to enjoy your holiday weekend, regardless.

(((((((((hugs again)))))))))))))))))))))

and1grad
11-23-2005, 04:56 PM
How is that being confrontational or starting a fight? How is it anything but a straightforward expression of feelings and expectations, no hints, no beating around the bush?
You're right. It is what I said to do. So whats the problem?

wordsmith
11-23-2005, 04:59 PM
The problem lies in this comment:


"Now you two have gone from recommending a discussion to saying she should knowingly start a fight? Wow."

There's nothing in what I suggested that is "knowingly starting a fight."

and1grad
11-23-2005, 04:59 PM
I think guys in general when they hear "I want to talk to you about something" instantly think, "Fight". I know my boyfriend and basically every guy I have ever dated thought this, and immediately, got a bit defensive. But this could just be a New York thing in And1's defense. I know Californians are known for being more "laid back" and something else, but I don't want to say it cause it is just a stereotype ;).
I'm not sure how thats in my defense. LOL! But then again, I've never known a Californian to be laid back either. I've heard some things about you New Yorkers tho. ;) :lol:

and1grad
11-23-2005, 05:01 PM
Hey, he already ditched his grieving girlfriend of more than a year over the holidays, the first one without her mom. I'm guessing that a confrontation isn't too far off regardless.
Right. This ISNT in anyway inflammatory.

Do either of you even pay attention to what you post? :googly:

wordsmith
11-23-2005, 05:03 PM
My point was that he seems to be not expecting the same things from the relationship as her (togetherness in tough times, support), so confrontation is GOING to eventually occur. Still didn't say she had to pick a fight. Didn't suggest that she SHOULD.

Sorry. But to paraphrase Family Feud, survey says you're in the wrong on this one. This is beyond normal guy insensitivity and cluelessness. It's not innocent obliviousness that would lead somebody to ditch his girlfriend at a particularly tough time. It's not caring enough to NOT do something like that.

Winter Storm
11-23-2005, 05:05 PM
Right. This ISNT in anyway inflammatory.

Do either of you even pay attention to what you post? :googly:

Do you pay attention to what you post?

But I guess you're right, what is the big deal if he didn't include her. I mean why should a boyfriend have to think of his girlfriend on Thanksgiving? It's his time off, right. Nothing to fight about. Nothing to even talk about. End of story.

And if this is just fine with Deaven, then I guess there really isn't any problem. And1grad is right, we're all making a deal out of nothing. Let him do whatever he wants. Who cares how she feels.

:rolleyes:

and1grad
11-23-2005, 05:06 PM
My point was that he seems to be not expecting the same things from the relationship as her (togetherness in tough times, support)
You dont think this is an EGREGIOUS assumption?

and1grad
11-23-2005, 05:08 PM
Do you pay attention to what you post?

But I guess you're right, what is the big deal if he didn't include her. I mean why should a boyfriend have to think of his girlfriend on Thanksgiving? It's his time off, right. Nothing to fight about. Nothing to even talk about. End of story.

And if this is just fine with Deaven, then I guess there really isn't any problem. And1grad is right, we're all making a deal out of nothing. Let him do whatever he wants. Who cares how she feels.

:rolleyes:
Ya..thats exactly what I've been saying. Good to know you're paying attention.

wordsmith
11-23-2005, 05:09 PM
Not even one little, tiny bit. It's a NO BRAINER you don't leave a loved one whom you care about, who has recently lost a parent (spouse, child, whatever) to be without you and your support on a holiday. There's NO way to even FEIGN ignorance on that front.

and1grad
11-23-2005, 05:12 PM
Not even one little, tiny bit. It's a NO BRAINER you don't leave a loved one whom you care about, who has recently lost a parent (spouse, child, whatever) to be without you and your support on a holiday. There's NO way to even FEIGN ignorance on that front.
psst...she said she had plans.

Deavan, this bickering is a prime example of what I think you're trying to avoid so just ignore us.

wordsmith
11-23-2005, 05:14 PM
She's obviously upset to not have been taken into consideration by her boyfriend, or she'd not have started the thread.

The point isn't that she has extended family to take her in. The point is that she wants to be with her BF and he doesn't want to be with her.

(Feel free to correct me if I've got that wrong, Deavan)

and1grad
11-23-2005, 05:17 PM
She's obviously upset to not have been taken into consideration by her boyfriend, or she'd not have started the thread.

The point isn't that she has extended family to take her in. The point is that she wants to be with her BF and he doesn't want to be with her.

(Feel free to correct me if I've got that wrong, Deavan)
I thought the point was that she didnt know what was up or how to go about finding out. Spending a night with his friends doesnt exactly mean he doesnt want to be with her.

wordsmith
11-23-2005, 05:21 PM
I draw my understanding of her upset from these words:


I have been with my bf for over a year and this thanksgiving he did not invite me to turkey day with him, I found this weird considering I had no real plans at all, and he knew that; also it was the first turkey day that I am without my mother so I found it double weird that he didn't invite me in on his plans...

Oh, and that would also note that, no, she didn't have plans, come to think of it.

and1grad
11-23-2005, 05:23 PM
Oh, and that would also note that, no, she didn't have plans, come to think of it.
Scroll down.

Winter Storm
11-23-2005, 05:27 PM
Scroll down.

That part of her post was added after the fact. And I don't think those were original plans.

wordsmith
11-23-2005, 05:28 PM
Yeah, I did. She has some family she's not close to that will take her in.

Point is, she wants to spend the day with the guy she's been with for a year. Nothing unreasonable about that. It's important to her, and it's what she needs.

and1grad
11-23-2005, 05:42 PM
...she wants to spend the day with the guy she's been with for a year. Nothing unreasonable about that. It's important to her
Never disputed that.

Deavan
11-23-2005, 05:56 PM
She's obviously upset to not have been taken into consideration by her boyfriend, or she'd not have started the thread.

The point isn't that she has extended family to take her in. The point is that she wants to be with her BF and he doesn't want to be with her.

(Feel free to correct me if I've got that wrong, Deavan)


Jess is correct that the issue lies in the fact that I would of prefered spending the holiday with him...but when i told him that he didnt get it and then he still didnt ask me to attend so that is what boggled my mind, clearly that was important to me

wordsmith
11-23-2005, 05:58 PM
Glad to know I interpreted it right. Sorry that you have to deal w/ this on top of your loss. I wish people were kinder and more sensitive.

and1grad
11-23-2005, 06:26 PM
Jess is correct that the issue lies in the fact that I would of prefered spending the holiday with him...but when i told him that he didnt get it and then he still didnt ask me to attend so that is what boggled my mind, clearly that was important to me
You told him that other than during the email? Have you talked to him again yet?

Deavan
11-23-2005, 06:29 PM
yeah i told him last week in person and he still didnt invite me

Bugsey34
11-24-2005, 01:21 AM
This behavior is really suspect and shitty, Deavan. If this guy can't be there for you when you need him, and is causing you stress by being shady about his plans (the emails about the plans would have bothered me, having to ask "when am i going to see you" and hearing about how he has other plans gives me a bad feeling) then why is he there? What is he bringing into your life? I know those are big questions when you're talking about a long term relationship, but you have to take care of yourself.