Is there something wrong with me?

[Ducey]

I'm a 23 year old male and I'm a virgin. I have never dated a girl in my life. What's wrong with em.

[pisces2473]

Welcome Ducey!

There are a lot of people on here who are virgins and/or haven't really dated anyone...when I said "haven't really dated anyone" I consider that more than a few dates with the same person. I don't think you can point to someone and say "Aha! The person does this or that...so that explains why they are a virgin/haven't dated." There's a lot of reasons...or there might not be a reason. What are you like? Do you talk to girls or are you shy? Do you go out or are you solitary? Stuff like that can factor in on how/when/where you meet girls. I hate all that "you'll meet her when you least expect it" stuff because I am still waiting for Mr. Right and I expect him at any damn minute! LOL

You'll soon realize that you fit right in around here :cool:

[Ducey]

what am I like. You would just have to be around me to figure that out. I kind of don't like talking about myself. I feel arrogant and selfish. Which I both am.;) :redface: It's very hard for me approach girls I'm really attracted to. That's all I can say for now. You can ask all the questions you want about me. I will answer just about anything.

[pisces2473]

Do you talk to any girls? If so, what do you talk about? It's okay to talk about yourself, we (girls) want to know about the guy and what he's into. We do not want to listen to you go on and on about something and then say "Have to go, talk to you later." There's something called a conversation that works wonders, lol...where both parties go back and forth talking about things. I, too, don't like talking a lot about myself, but when I'm nervous, I just keep talking and talking. I try to make a conscious effort to ask the guy something about himself, his work, his hobbies, etc, to get him to talk.

So what do you do for fun? Are there girls where you hang out? I can say from experience that it can be difficult talking to the opposite sex but the more you do it, the easier it becomes. Hang in there! :cool:

[Ducey]

I try to talk. Last night I saw a girl I hadn't seen since high school and she smiled at me back in the day. I wish I could have talked to her. God she is so beautiful.

[wordsmith]

Don't underestimate the fact that girls WANT to hear about you.

I once dated a guy who was very much like you in that he didn't like to talk about himself, considered it self-centered. I desperately wanted to know more about him, but it was like pulling teeth, so eventually, I just gave up, and fell back on what I was able to observe myself to get to know him.

I eventually came to the conclusion that he just didn't like me enough to want to share anything with me, or found ME to be self-centered, and that was that. Turns out that wasn't the case, but by then the damage was done, and we parted ways.

He still doesn't really understand that I wanted him to WANT to share things with me.

It is easy to come off as closed-off or unfriendly if you by nature aren't very talkative, so it's hard.

[Ducey]

I just don't know how to start one up. How to get the conversation to stear in a direction that I would like. I don't know. I try to ask sgilrs question about thier lives. They don't seem interested in me. I'm told i'm scary.

Question,

Would it be insane, rude or frightening to call a girl I had a crush on in high school but never talked to. Even though she eventull found out about it. just to catch up. To talk. To let her know I still think about her and wonder what she is doing. I feel like a stalker. :redface:

[leoncour]

Is there something wrong with you? Yes, probably. I am 23 and a virgin too and I know there is something wrong with me...hell I haven't even kissed a girl and hardly have a social life. Intimacy is a foreign concept to me and I come off as rather stoic these days. Pleasure means nothing to me, I became so used to depression that it doesn't really bother me anymore. I guess we are all messed up in our own little ways. Life's grand, isn't it?

[wordsmith]

I'm not sure that randomly calling up person x from high school sends the best message, if it seems like it's out of nowhere...you might be right about that coming off creepier than you intend. But when you ran into this girl, did she see you? The it might not seem so strange. "Hey, I did't get a chance to talk to you the other night, was wondering, how have you been...blah, blah, blah..." Do you live by her? Might the opportunity present itself to bump into her again? Then it would be less weird.

You've got an easy conversation in if you grew up with her, haven't really seen her since, because the "what have you been up to, what are you doing now?" avenue is always open. Chances are, you know some of the same people, right? You can always ask what ever happened to so and so, etc. I moved back to my hometown area as an adult after being gone for half a dozen years, and this sort of conversation occurs whenver I bump into someone from back in the day.

Oh, to the people who think being a virgin at 23 (or 25 or 26 or whatever) indicates that there's something wrong with you, I think that's crap. Intimacy issues and depression are of course things to look at, but don't pin huge importance on virginity itself, really. There is no prescribed age, there's just being ready and the opportunity presenting itself. People have that happen at all different times. That factor alone does not signify anything being wrong with anyone. So stop stressing about it.

(Signed, a normal girl who didn't do the deed until almost age 26).

[Ducey]

Yes I did see her. We ddi make eye contact. I sat down a bit a ways behind her with some friends of mine. I notce her say something to a guy next to her who looked back at me, but that's it. She went back inside, I saw her briefly again, and she left and I didn't notice.

[TosaGirl]

First of all, let me say if there is something wrong with you being a virgin at 23, there must be something REALLY wrong with me being a virgin at almost 28!! But unfortunatly I dont think there is anything wrong with me!!! I look back at my life and things i have done/said and I realize there is a reason I have been kinda 'scared' to pursue things with men. I try every day to work thru the troubles I had in the past and work on improving them in the future. I have asked friends who have known me since 6th grade for help, as well as friends who i have known for 6 months!! I dont think its a 'problem' with me, as much as something I have recently noticed and know i need to work on fixing.

Second, I think talking to this girl is not as bad as some people think it is. I was at a class reunion a few years ago and a guy from my class told me he had a crush on me all thru high school, but was too scared to say anything. I thought i was very flattering. I think even though he couldnt say anything to me at the time, the fact that he could tell me years later is just as cool :)

anyway, good luck with the woman issues. I think all in due time we find the person to date...and heck we may need to date a few before we find the right ones....or just have many troubles getting the relationships started (which I am right now) in order to learn about getting a good relationship going.

;)

[pisces2473]

I don't think there's anything wrong with any of us...I'm 23 and a virgin and the longest I've dated someone was a month. It's how other people treat you if they find out you haven't dated/had sex. The guy I dated for the month--I think he was all about getting in my pants. Yeah, maybe I would have slept with him, but not after a month!!!! NO WAY! I feel so behind when it comes to other people, because it's like, most guys (I'm saying MOST, not all!) have had experience and they assume that the older a girl is, then she must have experience too. I'm going to be getting older and dating older men and it's going to be a shock to them to be like 80 and a virgin (kidding!). If I was 18, then I'm sure it would be more "normal" to be a virgin, but since I'm the big 2-3 and have been to college, etc. it's rare, LOL.

There has to be hope for all of us!!!!

[wordsmith]

Yeah, the way people respond to you when you're "older" (i.e. post-college) and not sexually active is kind of a mixed bag. I had guys who thought it was cool and unique, ones who thought it was odd or too much pressure, and even one, who I was actually really interested in, who stopped seeing me, because he said he'd feel guilty about "corrupting my purity." Hah. Whatev. Guys are so weird.

[Edibleautopsy]

8 Minute Dating (http://www.8minutedating.com/)

[TosaGirl]

actually its kinda funny that you said some thing about being 80 and a virgin...I joke about that all the time!! And saying something about how guys assume we should have experience is kinda funny too. I was talking to this guy I met on the internet and we hit the topic of sex. When i told him Ihad never done it, he was very surprized, and also talked about how it kinda freaked him out because he had the experience where I didnt and felt like there would be some sort of major expectations from me. I tried to assure him I did not have any expectations and if he thought about it I didnt have anything to compare him to. It was a crazy conversation and he did admit that he was scared of it because I didnt have a whole lot of experience. But what they dont seem to understand is just because (this is at least for me) I have not had sex does not mean I have been completely inactive...and have absolutly NO experiences at all!! But it always makes me wonder what is wrong with me that I am so old and havent done the deed yet. Then I wake up and realize its because I refuse to settle for just having sex in order to hook up with someone and lose the virginity. I havent waited this long for no reason right??

[wordsmith]

Originally posted by TosaGirl
But it always makes me wonder what is wrong with me that I am so old and havent done the deed yet. Then I wake up and realize its because I refuse to settle for just having sex in order to hook up with someone and lose the virginity.

Exactly. It doesn't sound like there is anything wrong with you at all. It sounds like you know yourself and aren't willing to compromise on your ideals, and there isn't anything wrong with that.

[pisces2473]

I agree. I know what I want and I am not willing to compromise myself. I'm sure I could have "lost it" with the guy I was seeing, but would I have respected myself later, especially if he ended up dumping me within a month? Probably not. I'm hoping I find the right guy who doesn't care and isn't going to push me into doing something I'm not ready for.

[wordsmith]

I agree, pisces, but one thing you said gives me pause...

"Would I have respected myself later, especially if he ended up dumping me within a month? Probably not."

I would hope that your (or anybody's) self-respect wouldn't be tied up in whether or not some guy dumps you. If somebody were to decide that they didn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore, that shouldn't cheapen or taint a decision that you put your heart and soul into. Just because a person gets dumped, that doesn't make choices that they made during the relationship wrong.

I didn't lose my virginity until I was 25. Am I still with the guy? No. And that's fine. For the best, actually. But it not working out between us doesn't mean I regret my decision. It was what was right for me, and it was entirely my choice. I stand by my decision, and have lost not an ounce of self-respect over it.

I think you're on the right track by sticking to your high standards...that's where your self-respect should lie...not in how some guy treats you.

[pisces2473]

Oh no! I'm sorry, Wordsmith, I didn't mean to make it sound like you HAVE to stay with that person. What I was trying to say (and probably did it badly) was that I'm sure I would have felt worse had I jumped into things too quickly, only to be dumped soon after. My emphasis was on doing things too soon in the relationship, rather than if he dumped me or not.

Hope that clarifies it for you...

:)

[coll214]

I just read through all of your posts, and i think everyone's right. in this day and age, there seems to be a stigma that if you're out of school and haven't "done it" then something must be wrong. Either that or i hear, did something happen to you as a child? maybe i just didn't want to rush into things like everyone else and regret it later!! It's not like i've been a nun : ).

[wordsmith]

Oh, I'm glad you cleared that up, pisces...you seem like a cool person, and the way I initially read it didn't seem to fit with what I know of you from your posts.

I agree...the emphasis should totally be on making sure your decision is deeply enough thought out and felt (i.e. not too soon for your own good) that you don't regret it within yourself later. I was just saying...don't let another person MAKE you regret anything. Glad that's not where you were going with it. :)


Another thing, though...I used to seriously fear making a choice I'd regret more than anything. But one thing I've learned is that, eventually, we'll all do something we regret, whether it's a sexual experience or something else...it's tempting to want to shelter ourselves from that possibility, be ultra careful in all we do, how we move... but it probably will happen to most of us, and it's important to remember that making a mistake or regretting something we've done isn't the end of the world, either. Just a mental health PSA. :green:

[pisces2473]

Wordsmith--I'm glad you think I'm cool! LOL But, more importantly, I'm glad you were able to understand my clarification. Sometimes, with the way I think, I can't really describe things...so I end up doing the circle-argument type thing, lol.

I would never let someone else make me regret anything--that's why I'd wait until I was totally sure and secure with everything. Especially sex in today's world :eek: Your life could be at risk.

Mental health PSA...that cracked me up! :haha: You're right, we need to make some mistakes in order to learn and grow. You can't be too sheltered! :)

[ValentineGirl]

22. virgin. never had a boyfriend.

Up until very recently I thought there was something wrong with me too, but I just realized that I have high standards and expectations and there is not a thing wrong with that. I could've went out and got some random guy and done it, but I didn't want that. Like someone else said, everyone does things on their own time, there's not set schedule or a certain age to do things.

[Ducey]

Virginity is a different stroy for most women. It's that freakin double standard that really agitates me. I've been sexualed harrased by a gay guy who was/is convinced that sinc eI'm a v...virgin, that I must be gay.

[Spoonieluv]

I know what you mean. I'm 25 and I've never had a girlfriend, though I'm not a virgin. I've only had sex with one girl. It gets kinda depressing because I feel like a loser I mean most people my age are married or have had several gf/bfs. My problem is I am very shy and have problems approaching people and talking.

:frustrate

[Sameboat]

It feels kind of embarrasing to admit it but I'm 25 and am also a virgin. I haven't been a real date in seven years!

[TosaGirl]

I have to say it feels good to hear that there are others out there whoare in the same boat as me. That its not a thing that is gender exclusive either. I kinda want a guy who has not had so very much experience that I look like a big dork with my lack of sexual experiences. However I also realize I will not settle for just anyone just to get rid of my virginity. Thanks for letting me know I am not alone in this aspect :)

[pisces2473]

Tosa, I totally agree with you. Now, where are the guys that we want? LOL

[acousticgroupie]

25 - v club - proud.

don't let any jerks tell you otherwise. cuz true love waits;)

[pisces2473]

Thank you! Glad to hear that there are others who think the same way! I am totally fine with waiting, but it seems that most guys have done it and are looking for more...making it harder to find the right guy who will understand (or could be waiting himself).

[TankgirlyC]

Everyone should be fine with waiting. I think most of us girls want to wait until we are in love...or at least in lust!

I do have to say...that even if you toss out the need to be in love ideal.....its not entirely a mistake if you wake up and say OMG I shouldnt have done that......sometimes its just the fun....you only live once right?

When I was in hs....everyone seemed to be doing it...and I was easily able to say I havent. I was with a guy for 8 months..thought we were in love....and when I turned 18....lost my V.

Since then....I mostly have been with steady BFs...but I have had a few hook ups...they were fun...and honest no regrets----it was just that FUN.....I wasnt looking for something long term with these guys.

Just showing the other side of the coin!

[pisces2473]

I think people need to be careful about hooking up for "fun" (if you mean sex when you say hook up--I use it for just making out, etc.). You don't know who people have been with, what they've done, etc. I hope everyone out there is using protection. You might not regret something the next day...but you would have a regret if you caught something from that person...

Just my PSA because I care about my fellow QLC'ers so much! :D

EDIT--By the way, in my opinion, I don't think having sex with random people is fun...but that's just me. I would rather be with someone I loved and trusted than just a stranger or a friend of a friend hookup at a party type thing.

[acousticgroupie]

ducey - sex doesn't make you any less of a person. stick to what you want - and as far as dating, just try to get out there. sex isn't everything.

vclub:)

[TankgirlyC]

I dont think "random" sex is good. All the people Ive been with I knew for AT LEAST 2 months.....

As for knowing what they have done...Im very frank and have that discussion. Ive even gone with some people to get tested...so they can see Im clean and vice versa. I think if you cant talk about it then you shouldnt be doing that anyway.

As for random....random kissing...cool beans....random other stuff is kinda iffy.....

But some stuff I was just friends with the people and one night we would get crazy and do stuff. Sometimes we wouldnt talk again others we would still be cool. Im actually still friends with most of my hook-ups. I didnt have many random ones...I was more into getting to know them first....have them come over and watch a movie----but people I knew knew these "random" people I was hanging out with.....
As for "real world"----random person from the bar no one knows....SOOOOO different in going about that.

[lostindc]

Originally posted by pisces2473
Tosa, I totally agree with you. Now, where are the guys that we want? LOL

I think they're all on these boards ;) So where are all you girls when you are not on these boards?

[TosaGirl]

Hey lostin....maybe my problem is that all the guys ARE on here ... and dont live in Wisconsin ??? that they have their crisis they are going thru and are not looking for me?? haha just kidding!! I dont know where they are, but I do look for them too :)

[pisces2473]

Yeah, Tosa...I think they are all on here. I am talking to3 guys from Match right now and when/if we meet/go out/etc, I don't know how to deal with the whole lack of experience thing...they probably assume I'm plenty experienced...


GRRRR, soooo complicated.

[wordsmith]

I've actually been doing quite a bit of dating lately (when it rains, it pours!), both originating online and going out with guys I've met more conventionally. I've been pleased to find out that they HAVEN'T been weirded out by my relative inexperience, but actually find it cool and refreshing (and, kind of intriguing). And if a guy is freaked out by my limited experience, well, it's pretty clear he's not a good match for me, you know?

[coll214]

I've actually had the same outcome wordsmith...I was worried the guy i was seeing would be weirded out by my lack of experience, but was actually very nice about it....anyone who isn't comfortable w/ it, isn't worth the time!!

[pisces2473]

Very true ladies! I'll now hope that the guys I'm talking to won't mind or don't care. And I'll hope that because they have this info about me, they won't think I'm going to be REALLY easy...

[wordsmith]

Of course, the flip side is that it can also attract guys who are all about the chase. I usually have tried to hold off bringing it up, lately, because there have been a couple of guys who seem to view getting the more discerning girl in the sack as a challenge. That's not the kind of guy I'm looking for.

[pisces2473]

Yes, that's what happened with the last guy I dated. Hopefully it won't happen again. Come on boys! Be realistic!

[coll214]

I've always liked to be very vague; the old "I don't have a lot of experience..." and i don't say anything more until i know them better....the guys that really bug me though are the ones that just assume that since i haven't dated anyone in the time they have known me (say a few months), then i must not have any experience...:mad: !

[wordsmith]

Hee, hee. With me, it usually doesn't come up until we're making out (I love that phrase, it makes me feel so very high school!), and then they're usually flabbergasted...apparently I don't make out like someone fairly virginal? I enjoy being full of surprises.

One notable exception would be my ex-boyfriend, who was the one I did eventually lose my virginity to at age 25. With him, I kind of mentioned it in an offhand way when we were still in the "getting to know you" stage. While playing darts. He missed the dartboard. :cool:

[pisces2473]

Hahaha, that's a great story about the darts! :D

The last guy I dated found it hard to believe too...but he was all about getting me into bed...and then dropped me. I'm better than that!

[coll214]

The darts is too funny. Luckily i hope, no one was standing near the dartboard :D

[klo1335]

I believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinion and if you want to wait to have sex, then that is great. My problem is that I like sex and want to have it but don't have anyone to have it with!

[Jaumpy]

From a guy's perspective its not that big of a deal. The last girl I dated was a virgin when we started going out. She told me after a couple of weeks expecting me to be shocked, but I basically said its no big deal. I did take a lot of crap from my friends for dating a girl that wouldn't have sex. But sometimes the girl is well worth everything else that comes with the relationship. If you really care about the person, it shouldn't matter if they are or are not. I will say that most guys either break it off cause they think its a hopeless cause and they think they will never "get none" or try all out to be the first one. My advice is there are good guys out there, just look for the ones that don't make a big deal out of it, because it isn't.

[pisces2473]

Um...I could say something...but I won't...with that post you opened up to a whole new level of interpretations :heehee:

That was for Katie, not Jaumpy :D

[Jaumpy]

pisces, you are so quick to reply, some of us barely have a chance to respond....lol

[pisces2473]

Jaumpy,

I know, I know...go to the work forum and look at what Klo and I were talking about...my job is booooooooooorrrrrrrrrrring and I don't have much to do. Also, I type fast ;)

I'll try to slow down...or not! :D

[klo1335]

Thanks Jen! I try my hardest :)

[pisces2473]

You're welcome, Katie!

Jaumpy--from a guy's perspective, can you tell if a girl is a virgin or not? just curious...thanks

[Jaumpy]

Depends on the girl. If she is confident in herself, usually no. Like wordsmith said if they kiss well it could throw the guy off. Some girls will do other things just not sex and that throws guys off too. So it all depends

[pisces2473]

that's what I thought...thanks

[coll214]

So all you need to throw a guy off is a little confidence?! that explains a lot....for me anyway :D !!

[klo1335]

Ladies I wouldn't feel self-conscious if I were you. I have been with guys before who weren't virgins (or so they said) and you would think otherwise...thats how bad they were!

[pisces2473]

Well, I wouldn't want to be OVERLY confident and trick them or lead them to believe I'm not a virgin when I really am.

LOL Katie! That makes me feel better :D

[klo1335]

You shouldn't have to trick them. Just know that there are guys out there who aren't virgins who have no idea what they are doing! Anyone watch Sex and the City last night? Case and point...the jackrabbit humping guy!

[Jaumpy]

All you have to do is feel confident about yourself and the guy will have no idea. Remember you girls are talking about us guys, it doesn't take much to throw us off when it comes to that. Like klo1335 said there is no need to be self-conscious.

[coll214]

I didn't mean to make it sound like i want to trick them....i'm by no means overly confident....but i don't want to seem like i have a neon banner over my forehead either!!

[Jaumpy]

Its not about tricking, its about showing that you are confident in that area. You don't have to be overt or anything. I have just known some girls who were that would go crazy if a hand moved even if it wasn't going anywhere, just cause it moved they would go crazy.

[pisces2473]

Yeah, I'm with Coll on that one...don't want to be too confident and give away too much info but don't want to be overly mysterious either...

[wordsmith]

Originally posted by Jaumpy
But sometimes the girl is well worth everything else that comes with the relationship. If you really care about the person, it shouldn't matter if they are or are not.

Yeah...isn't this the whole idea? Sex is partof a relationship, sure, but it isn't the ONLY part. Nor should it be the most importantpart, in my opinion. And it seems like a partner who makes sex the focal point of a relationship isn't usually one that's going to stick around.

'Cause if sex is all they're after, and the connection, committment, mutual deeper-than-hormones attraction, respect, etc. is all unimportant or negotiable to them, well, hell, they can get thatanywhere.

[pisces2473]

My thoughts exactly! Thanks Wordsmith! :)

[wordsmith]

Originally posted by Jaumpy
Depends on the girl. If she is confident in herself, usually no. Like wordsmith said if they kiss well it could throw the guy off. Some girls will do other things just not sex and that throws guys off too. So it all depends

Yeah, I have out and out had guys say "You don't kiss like a virgin," (which makes me laugh...what exactly does a virgin kiss like? Could you bemore hung up on stereotypes?) and I've also been told that I have an open, free-spirited, relaxed attitude about that stuff that throws them off. I'm not sure I fall under "confident" in that area, just comfortable. Or, not UNcomfortable, at any rate.

I think some guys associate lack of experience with uncomfortability, which can sometimes be true, but not always. In my case, virginity wasn't a result of being uncomfortable with sexual things...I LIKE sexual things! A lot! I just wanted to make sure I was ready and the time was right.

[pisces2473]

LOL--just because you're a virgin doesn't mean you are a prude! I'm only uncomfortable when I think I'm not doing something right or not to the guy's liking, but I think whenever you are with someone new, you're going to have that fear, regardless of how many you've dated/been with, etc. People are nervous with new stuff, no matter if it's a guy or a job or whatever! LOL I haven't had sex because there wasn't an opportunity and when I met a guy who acted like that's all he wanted, I was glad when he stopped pursuing me because I knew I wasn't going to be ready. Maybe I'll end up waiting til I'm married, who knows? I just know that I wouldn't do anything at all (even kissing) until I was ready. Sometimes you kiss on the first date and that's great and sometimes you wait longer and that's great too.

[wordsmith]

Exactly. And whether or not you do anything, even kissing, whatever, totally isn't an indication (at least not for me) on whether or not you like someone, are interested, etc....it's just that I'd rather wait till the moment is right (or not pass it by if it is right). I hate jumping the gun on stuff, because I have this desire to want to make sure things, including timing, are perfect. Not too tall an order, eh (insert sarcasm)?

[coll214]

I agree with both of you....I have to be comfortable w/ a guy before ANYTHING can happen, and if that happens on the first date, great and if it happens later on, that's great too :D !!

[Jaumpy]

wow, I leave for the day and you take turns shooting all kinds of holes in my take on the subject....I love it.

wordsmith to your first reply......Yeah...isn't this the whole idea? Sex is part of a relationship, sure, but it isn't the ONLY part. Nor should it be the most important part, in my opinion. And it seems like a partner who makes sex the focal point of a relationship isn't usually one that's going to stick around. ...I am not saying that sex is the most important part of the relationship, and agree that is just part of the whole relationship idea, but you got to remember you are dealing with guys here, most of us don't think that way.....not that that is a good excuse..

to your 2nd reply...Yeah, I have out and out had guys say "You don't kiss like a virgin," (which makes me laugh...what exactly does a virgin kiss like? Could you bemore hung up on stereotypes?) and I've also been told that I have an open, free-spirited, relaxed attitude about that stuff that throws them off. I'm not sure I fall under "confident" in that area, just comfortable. Or, not UNcomfortable, at any rate. ....again I am going on my own experiences and what other guys have said. I am just saying that girls that are not experienced in that area are less comfortable, that would seem logical, which is usually how you can tell. It may be stereotypes, but if it happens 9 out of 10 it holds true most of the time....and obviously you fall under the 1 out of 10 because you are comfortable so it doesn't hold true for you....remember its not all guys we are talking about here....

And I am not disagreeing with any of you on you feel about the subject or anything like that, just trying to give you a male perspective in to the subject. And as you can tell, in most cases its not on the same line.....

[wordsmith]

Dude, Jaumpy, I was agreeingwith you! ;)

I also know that what you're saying is not the norm for guys (however depressing that may be). It just serves to reinforce that I'm right to be discerning (some might say picky). Like I'm really going to sink a bunch of time and energy into someone who doesn't see things on the same plane I do.

[wordsmith]

Still, though, I'm guessing that guys who feel like sex is everything aren't the guys who are even looking for a relationship... why would they, if they don't care about all the other things that go with it. Am I right?

Not that not really wanting to be in a relationship always stops people from pursuing exactly that, for reasons I will never, ever understand.

[Jaumpy]

Sorry about that....got a little fired up about the subject....I had this same argument with my friends and when you are the only guy thinking this line of thought (that sex is not the most important part of a relationship with a girl) you get rather defensive about it...my friends give me hell for this all the time...

Why do guys persue relationships like the one you listed below, because they like the thrill of the chase, or doing the seemingly impossible, getting a girl to sleep with the them that said she wasn't like that......stupid I know, but true none the less...

[coll214]

Just wanted to say i completely agree w/ you wordsmith...

[pisces2473]

Me too! Sex should be secondary in a relationship and not the only reason people stay together or not, and should not be the only thing one looks for.

[Jaumpy]

Just to let you girls know how low us guys can get....I have one friend who will only go after girls that have boyfriends, just because "its more of a challenge"......sad I know.....

[coll214]

that's pretty sad!! i've heard of guys too that if the one they are currently pursuing doesn't 'put out' they get a quickie from someone else!! the sad thing is the girls that actually fall for it and then expect it to go somewhere beyond sex!!

[seren1411]

But then girls aren't all halo candidates either.

I know WOMEN who prefer to go after people currently in relationships - I think it's partly as some kind of proof that that person is desirable (how to get a quality-assured boyfriend) and partly to make themselves feel more so - 'I took this guy away from HER so I must be better-looking/more attractive/etc than she is'.

To say nothing of the one girl whose idea of fidelity while in a long distance relationship (with a really lovely guy) is that it's okay to sleep with as many other people as she wants - as long as she doesn't do the same guy, usually a random pickup, more than twice.

They just baffle me.

[pisces2473]

That disgusts me. How can people do these things?

And Seren, how are things in your love life? ;) I noticed you have a new quote on your signature...

[seren1411]

Disgusts me too.

:D Love life is good, Jen - thanks for asking. Though he isn't due to move back properly til September, and the start of the new Uni term so most communication at the moment is by phone/ messenger.

I still have to make the same confession that made your date miss the darts board. :eek:

[pisces2473]

So I guess we have to find the men that least disgust us? LOL And the men have to find women that least disgust them.

Seren, I'm happy for you! I hope things continue to be fantastic!

Wordsmith made the darts comment, not me, lol. Although I did get asked what was the most romantic thing someone ever did for me. I said that I couldn't remember, so it must not have made much of an impression. He wrote back saying it sounded like I'd been single for awhile and asked how long. I replied with something like how I had been on dates that went nowhere and that in college, all the boys were more interested in their beer than the ladies. Hopefully the other 2 I'm talking with won't be so upfront like that...grr...

[seren1411]

Sorry! :redface:

How vile! Hope you deleted *his* contact details! What do the other two sound like?

[klo1335]

Jen,

I tried the whole match.com thing and had such horrible horrible luck on it. But, I am glad that you are having some luck.

Anyway, so does it drive anyone else crazy when your friends who have a SO or dating someone tell you "it will happen when you least expect it." Or "don't worry cause it will happen." It drives me bonkers!

[pisces2473]

That's okay.

Well, I haven't heard back from him since I sent that email (I wrote it this morning). Maybe he was just making conversation, but to me, it sounds like the last guy I met! I'll see what happens...I don't think I'm really that interested in him anyway. Much more interested in the 29 year old Texan with a PhD in Mathematics who lives up here now :) The other guy is 27 lives about an hour from me and is an adminstrative assistant. I talked to both of them on the phone last night, but for some reason, I was more drawn to the intellectual. I don't want to be snobby, but I'm more intellectual anyway...so we'll see...the age thing hopefully will not matter too much! Can't worry about these things...

[seren1411]

Age thing? :p

That sounds much more promising. So what does the Maths PhD do now? The intellectual background definitely sounds quite well-suited to your interests. Was last night the first time you'd talked to either of them? and are you likely to meet in person?

[pisces2473]

SORRY!!! :redface: I knew I shouldn't have said anything about the age... (insert foot in mouth)

Mr. Math works at a startup software company that does things with mathematical equations for fiber optics. They have a lot of government contracts and things like that. He wants to meet soon, but I wanted to see a pic (so I'd know who to look for, lol) and I think it would be good to talk one more time, prior to us meeting. I'd really like to meet him, but I want to be careful.

The other guy seemed a little bit immature, but I don't know.

I want someone who's intellectual, but knows how to have fun. I don't want someone who's too serious. But then again, the intellectual types in grad school were funny and had senses of humour. I guesss I shouldn't worry!

[seren1411]

Oh all right, then... ;)

Seriously, it IS an issue (though where there is a gap it's more usually the girl who's younger). I've been discussing this lately with my best friend, whose fiance is eleven years older than she is. That's a 17 year gap between his age and the age of the guy I'm seeing. My friend and I were born less than a month apart.

The pic and second chat *definitely* good ideas. Mr. Math? Sounds like a Sex and the City soubriquet!! As for the sense of humour, you've got at least another chat before attempting to meet in order to assess that - and if he wants to meet soon, then you certainly know he's interested. And you have a chance to talk to Admin Man again - he might not be so very immature.

[pisces2473]

At least Mr. Math (yes, it is like on Sex and the City!) said to me, "This may seem a bit rushed, and we can talk more on the phone if you like, but I was wondering if you would like to meet up." He was very understanding, easy going and polite. That's what I want--a gentleman. And you're right about Mr. Admin--so I won't burn any bridges yet...

[seren1411]

So Mr. Math sounds promising. Intelligent, nice and a gentleman!
So pleased for you! You deserve to meet someone nice. Let us know how it goes if you do decide to meet him.

[coll214]

I hate to fall back on the old saying, "Age is nothing but a number", but...

seren- the guy i'm seeing is also 11 yrs older than me...and he was married before to someone 7 yrs older than him!! that puts her closer to my mother's age than to me! If freaked me out at first, but that's in the past....

Jen- sounds like you're already leaning more towards mr. math...but it's good to keep the options open :D !! have fun!!

[seren1411]

Yes but see... GUY is older!

[coll214]

Ok....how about this: my mother's b/f is 9 yrs younger than her- that puts my guy and hers 4 years apart!!

[seren1411]

Oh, all right! Thanks, Coll :cool:

[coll214]

I thought that would make you feel better!! :p

[pisces2473]

Seren--Thank you! I'm glad that some of us on QLC are finding some happiness :D

Coll--Okay, I'll keep my options open...but still Math lives closer than Admin. 20 mins vs. 1 hour, lol.

[seren1411]

Excuses, excuses... :razz:

[wordsmith]

Yeah...I'm the dart queen :p

Not really...the only way I can win at darts is to break someone's concentration!

[seren1411]

sounds like it works even better than genuine darts skill!:bigger:

[TankgirlyC]

I think the reason people are capable of doing horrible things....cheating, sleeping with random people because they are in a long distance relationship, going after someone who has an SO already to validate that they are more attractive, interesting etc...

Its because alot of these people were not brought up to know that their actions make the other person feel like crap "if they find out"----these people arent accountable for their actions. They also dont understand common decency.

Think about it.....yes cheating has gone on for all time, but doesnt it seem like lately people do it out of spite? Hell look at reality TV.....
We are really of the generation where we were not brought up to care for our comrade. Its all about yourself....and if you hit Johnny when your 3....and it makes him cry.....you werent forced to say sorry. You werent made to understand that hitting Johnny makes him cry.
Its a sad society we live in. I personally will not keep friends around that cheat. If I knew someone had a loving relationship and they were trashing it on their own accord-----that is NOT a person I want in my circle. Im better than that.

Ive been in a LD relationship going on 1.5 YEARS......he is the most loyal guy I know....I tell him to go out with his friends and get numbers with them because I trust him....and he wont even go to the bars because its just not "what I do when I have a GF"...Im the same....I tend to be flirty by nature....but if I ever thought I wanted to do something with someone OTHER than my BF.....I would know that we had a problem and I would have to talk to him about it.

Maybe also in todays world.....with commercials being 15 seconds where as when we were little they were 30-45......maybe its the whole instant gratification deal as well. Oh I cant have it now so Ill get it somewhere else bcause I NEED IT THIS VERY SECOND.....

I dunno.