Why the rush?

[Tayl405]

I know this question has been posted before in many different forms, but I wanted to bring it up point blank. Why the rush to be so seriously involved with someone? I'm partly ranting, but I'm seriously curious - why (and I'm talking about people in general) the dire need to have an SO? Does it seem like success is defined by how long you've been in a relationship? I'm usually the girl in the relationship, with short bouts of singledom in between, but I'm so happy being single now, and so focused on straightening my own life out and doing things for myself. It took becoming single to realize that almost ALL of my friends are in serious relationships, and almost all of those who aren't are constantly complaining about not having one (not to mention the ones who are IN relationships are complaining about that). We're in our early 20s - there's plenty of time to get involved with someone! I truly mean no offense to anyone, and I am SO happy for all of those in happy relationships, I just feel sometimes like society defines us based on our relationship status. And even though I don't give a CRAP what anyone thinks of me, it gets really old when it's always in my face. Any thoughts?

[shimmer728]

Well, I'm in a relationship because I found someone who makes me really happy. :) But in all honesty, I was happy being single as well. I had lots of fun. :twisted: I won't settle. I won't be in a relationship with someone I don't have a real connection with. I can't imagine dating someone just to date someone.

[ledzeppelinfan1]

Yeah...like I said in another post, I've basically given up on this issue for awhile. I might go into the service and find someone there or afterwards when I actually have something to offer someone because right now I don't. And lets face it, if you don't have money, a career, or a car...you are fucked...or not fucked, huh? lol

As for now, over the next 4 months there is really no way I can commit to anyone so I'm not concerned.

[MetFanL]

I'm not unhappy being single, it's just exhausting. I've been pretty much single (except for a month here and there) since high school. I'm tired. I won't settle, either, but I understand the concept better than I ever have before.

[old_school_soul]

Some people need relationships, some don't. I think the ones that need them haven't sufficiently figured out who they are, and thus need someone else to complete them.

I can't stand relationship snobbery, when you have couples that act high and mighty because they are in love.

[and1grad]

I think for some people its just a validation of self-worth.

[wordsmith]

There are also people who feel strongly, for some reason, that other aspects of life somehow don't mean much if you don't have that.

Some people are terrified of being alone.

[Bugsey34]

There are also people who feel strongly, for some reason, that other aspects of life somehow don't mean much if you don't have that.

Some people are terrified of being alone.

That's basically it. I don't understand this way of thinking. I understand wanting to be in a relationship, but not just for the sake of being in one. Or being in a crappy relationship just for the sake of being in one, or until something better comes along. I would rather be single any day.

[MetFanL]

Humans are social created. We're physically designed to be partnered up. I don't see whats wrong with having one of your life goals to find the person that you "fit" with.

[LakeJay]

Humans are social created. We're physically designed to be partnered up. I don't see whats wrong with having one of your life goals to find the person that you "fit" with.

I don't think it's so much an issue with it being a goal as much as it's some of the external factors that make it seem like it has to be "accomplished" by a certain time and that it's really the only way to go and to not be in a relationship is an odd thing. I know this goes back to whether we allow the external stuff play a part in how we live our lives but the bombardment of that mindset can get tiring and annoying to people. Fortunately I haven't had to deal with this so much and those who have brought it up are people whose opinions I can go on without. :)

[coll214]

I know for me, I'm just tired of it. yes, I WANT to be w/ someone, but do I NEED to? no. I want the companionship but I'm done w/ trying figure out how to fit people in who only want to be w/ me on their terms. And i guess the fact the I still have 3-4 friends in the same singledom category as me helps.

[lorion11]

I can't stand relationship snobbery, when you have couples that act high and mighty because they are in love.

I hate that. I get that a lot with my family. I have one group of friends that all have SO's. One day I realized that they no longer invite me for their 'outings' because I am single. I was the ELEVENTH wheel. Not fun at all.

I think I have a good idea of who I am and I want someone who's going to fit in nicely with my life, interests and goals.

[Tayl405]

I don't think it's so much an issue with it being a goal as much as it's some of the external factors that make it seem like it has to be "accomplished" by a certain time and that it's really the only way to go and to not be in a relationship is an odd thing. I know this goes back to whether we allow the external stuff play a part in how we live our lives but the bombardment of that mindset can get tiring and annoying to people. Fortunately I haven't had to deal with this so much and those who have brought it up are people whose opinions I can go on without.

Exactly. Well said.

[shadeofgreen]

Biological drive to reproduce with a worthy partner coupled with social pressure to achieve the American Dream, maybe? And some are simply more susceptible to those pressures than others.

I'm the perpetually single one. My current relationship is my first serious one and it took me nearly 24 years to find. I've always been pretty independent (read: a loner) but I'll admit there's some comfort in having a relationship. It just feels nice to be important to someone, I guess. Singledom has its perks but at present moment I don't really miss any of them.

[steamroller]

I can't stand relationship snobbery, when you have couples that act high and mighty because they are in love.

Excuse me for saying this, but I can't fucking STAND when some of my friends act this way; like them being married is such a big deal to MY life??!!!

Among all of the girls I went to college with, most are married. We (my other single friend and I) refer to them as the marrieds, because all they talk about is who's getting married, who's having a baby, who's thinking of having a baby. I KNOW most of them think we're jealous. It ain't jealousy at ALL. It's vurp that I stiffle when my friend calls her husband, "hubby."

Now, don't get me wrong, I can't WAIT until I meet someone who rocks my world in more ways than one, but is it necessary to broadcast it to the world? I don't know, maybe it's the prideful Irish Catholic girl in me who likes keeping my sappy feelings private....and less cheeeezy.

[wordsmith]

One of the most priceless snippets from the Bridget Jones books is the term "Smug Marrieds."

[shimmer728]

One of our copy editors/columnists just got married this summer. Nearly every one of her columns published in the last six months have been about wedding preparations, the quirky things her husband does, great things about being married and life after the wedding. Jesus! I like reading her column, but there is such a thing as overkill.

[wordsmith]

We have a columnist in the regional daily here who writes on and on and on about the minutiae of her life in great detail, and EVERYBODY makes shit out of her.

[shimmer728]

LOL! The key is subject variety. ;)

[shadeofgreen]

There's a columnist in Portland's alternative weekly who I think is trying to be Carrie Bradshaw, but fails miserably. She writes about ex-boyfriends and current boyfriends and dating in general but does so in disgusting detail. I never want to see the word "dingleberry" in a newspaper again.

Plus she's a terrible writer.

How does one become a columnist? Because seriously, if someone wanted to pay me to write what seems to be little more than a weblog with a word count, I'd be down.

[shimmer728]

There's a columnist in Portland's alternative weekly who I think is trying to be Carrie Bradshaw, but fails miserably. She writes about ex-boyfriends and current boyfriends and dating in general but does so in disgusting detail. I never want to see the word "dingleberry" in a newspaper again.

Plus she's a terrible writer.

How does one become a columnist? Because seriously, if someone wanted to pay me to write what seems to be little more than a weblog with a word count, I'd be down.

I'm not sure how one becomes a columnist, but I think it would be really fun. I would love to do a column on the dating scene in Bedford, PA. It would be freaking hilarious!

[wordsmith]

It wouldn't get me through one month. it would be the world's shortest-lived column. Okay, that's it...dated everyone. Will need to move on to another county.

[wordsmith]

How does one become a columnist? Because seriously, if someone wanted to pay me to write what seems to be little more than a weblog with a word count, I'd be down.

Work at a small paper. I could have a column in every paper if I wanted to. I've written a few, but I don't do a regular one, because none of our readership would be interested in things I'd write about.

[PVD99]

I think that it's only human to want to be partnered up. Some people are just a little more picky than others, and that's why we are always single. Either that, or timing, life circumstances...etc. But the people who are like "i'd much rather be single"...then obviously you haven't found the right guy yet. If you're saying "i'd rather be single than date some guy i dont even like, just because i need someone to complete me"...then yeah, that's not so great.

[Jedi of Zen]

True, there are people out there who get snobby about the fact that they happen to have an SO, but there are also just as many people who feel the need to snobby over the fact that they're single - and damnit, they're happy being single. lol. To me that's far more annoying than people who get all lovey-dovey over being with someone. IMHO, the latter is more or less only a natural response to feeling and being in love; the former is nothing but a sheer sour grapes attitude masquerading as enlightened independance. Not always, but it often seems that way to me. Just my perception.

So basically I agree with MetFan. True, there's nothing wrong or bad about being single, but wanting to find someone isn't really all that terrible either. Just my opinion.

[wordsmith]

If you're saying "i'd rather be single than date some guy i dont even like, just because i need someone to complete me"...then yeah, that's not so great.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

I don't think there's ANYTHING in the world wrong with saying "I'd rther be single than date some guy I don't even like." Are you sure you wanna go there?

[shimmer728]

True, there are people out there who get snobby about the fact that they happen to have an SO, but there are also just as many people who feel the need to snobby over the fact that they're single - and damnit, they're happy being single. lol. To me that's far more annoying than people who get all lovey-dovey over being with someone. IMHO, the latter is more or less only a natural response to feeling and being in love; the former is nothing but a sheer sour grapes attitude masquerading as enlightened independance. Not always, but it often seems that way to me. Just my perception.

So basically I agree with MetFan. True, there's nothing wrong or bad about being single, but wanting to find someone isn't really all that terrible either. Just my opinion.

Great points.

[wordsmith]

At the same time, it's highly insulting to repeatedly hear, as a single person, "You say you're single and happy? Well, obviously, you're lying. You couldn't POSSIBLY be. No one could. You're just saving face." Wow, SUPREMELY offensive. :mad:

[shimmer728]

At the same time, it's highly insulting to repeatedly hear, as a single person, "You say you're single and happy? Well, obviously, you're lying. You couldn't POSSIBLY be. No one could. You're just saving face." Wow, SUPREMELY offensive. :mad:

I agree with this, too. Everyone's situation is different.

Nothing makes me angrier than being told how *I* feel, what *I* need, what *I* want. Kiss my ass.

[pisces2473]

At the same time, it's highly insulting to repeatedly hear, as a single person, "You say you're single and happy? Well, obviously, you're lying. You couldn't POSSIBLY be. No one could. You're just saving face." Wow, SUPREMELY offensive. :mad:
What about someone telling me that they are soooo happy being single, yet they pick on me and make fun of me for being in a relationship? That's when I think, "hmm, maybe THEY are not happy..."

But I do think that you can be happy and single :)

[Jedi of Zen]

Great points.

Thanks :)


At the same time, it's highly insulting to repeatedly hear, as a single person, "You say you're single and happy? Well, obviously, you're lying. You couldn't POSSIBLY be. No one could. You're just saving face." Wow, SUPREMELY offensive. :mad:

Words, you're just insecure. God, I'm so pissed now. You totally offended my singleness. :p

[AzureMoogle]

Personally, I'm in a hurry, desperate, etc because I feel like I'm too old to never have been in a relationship or even dated. Time is ticking and the options will just diminish over time. If I don't experience a relationship soon I feel like I'll forget how to like or be sexually interested in someone. Also I'm scared about how clueless I will be with the first woman I date. Already I don't want to think about what a girl will be thinking after my first kiss, let alone anything more intimate. This meat is getting stale.

For the past year and a half I've been going all over the place trying to find ways to meet people my age. However, around a couple months ago I gave up because I was exhausted. I didn't go on a single date the entire time.

[alanisjunkie]

i don't believe in SOs. i don't think i could ever have a healthy relationship w/ someone, i always care too much, so i'd rather not care at all about ppl. some ppl keep going back, think they need a SO, or whatever, i realize it;s less painful to be alone and i learned from buddhism that life is suffering, try to have the least amount of suffering in life, this is how i do it

[kimmer23]

What about someone telling me that they are soooo happy being single, yet they pick on me and make fun of me for being in a relationship? That's when I think, "hmm, maybe THEY are not happy..."

But I do think that you can be happy and single :)


i know the feeling. its like "some" single people think you are tied down and you always have to listen to "him." not the case, but its a relationship and you have to compromise.

[shimmer728]

Personally, I'm in a hurry, desperate, etc because I feel like I'm too old to never have been in a relationship or even dated. Time is ticking and the options will just diminish over time. If I don't experience a relationship soon I feel like I'll forget how to like or be sexually interested in someone. Also I'm scared about how clueless I will be with the first woman I date. Already I don't want to think about what a girl will be thinking after my first kiss, let alone anything more intimate. This meat is getting stale.

For the past year and a half I've been going all over the place trying to find ways to meet people my age. However, around a couple months ago I gave up because I was exhausted. I didn't go on a single date the entire time.

I just saw this now......

AM, I'm sure you'll be fine! My BF never dated anyone before me and he did everything perfectly, if you know what I mean. ;)

[ChowdInDC]

Um... financial security and a fast track to home ownership?

Seriously, I've thought lately that the only way anyone can make it in today's world is to get married (or at least have a live-in partner). I've also felt like couples have rights afforded to them that singles don't, and may even have the right to take such rights away from single people and even have the right to single people feel bad just because they're single, but that's another story. (Of course, I believe that would be the way it shouldn't be, but I've felt that this is the way it is.)

I'm not exactly in a rush. I've told myself countless times that I have no business being with someone until I can take care of a family completely on my own, including her children (if there are any). And yes, I believe that this topic applies differently along the lines of gender.

[capella]

Um... financial security and a fast track to home ownership?

Seriously, I've thought lately that the only way anyone can make it in today's world is to get married (or at least have a live-in partner). I've also felt like couples have rights afforded to them that singles don't, and may even have the right to take such rights away from single people and even have the right to single people feel bad just because they're single, but that's another story. (Of course, I believe that would be the way it shouldn't be, but I've felt that this is the way it is.)

I'm not exactly in a rush. I've told myself countless times that I have no business being with someone until I can take care of a family completely on my own, including her children (if there are any). And yes, I believe that this topic applies differently along the lines of gender.
How exactly do couples take rights away from single people?? I'm confused. :confused:

[dengeist]

I think Bugsey summed it up pretty well.

The only thing I can add is, sometimes family, people you know, and sometimes your culture can add that extra pressure that can make you want to jump into some quickie long-term relationship.

My cousin (who's like my brother) got married last spring and my mother said, "The pressure's on." Last week he told everyone his wife's pregnant, my mother said, "You're the only one now."

Sometimes, people can make you feel like there's something wrong with you when you're in single mode. It's like, "You're single? Why?"

Then the other day, I was talking to this girl who's latina about what my mother's been saying. All she said was "She's forty-nine? What are you waiting for?" :eek:

[shimmer728]

Then the other day, I was talking to this girl who's latina about what my mother's been saying. All she said was "She's forty-nine? What are you waiting for?" :eek:

What did she mean? That by 49, she should be a grandmother? :confused:

My parents are in their early 50s and still have a teenage daughter. I can't imagine them as grandparents now. Luckily, neither can they! ;)

[WeirdBrake]

I've also felt like couples have rights afforded to them that singles don't, and may even have the right to take such rights away from single people and even have the right to single people feel bad just because they're single, but that's another story.

I don't understand the second part of this sentence. Can you explain? :confused: