how long until you expect "the ring"

[k.monster]

For girls and guys:

How long do you think people should be together before the big questions gets asked? A few months? A year? Two? I know there are a lot of factors in this, but just generally, how long do you think people should be together before this becomes a reality?

[PVD99]

I've never been in the situation, but at this age I would think that after one year the couple should probably be taking a serious look at the relationship and if it is headed for marriage. That doesn't mean a ring at one year, but at least some sort of discussion about the future together.

I'd say two years might be a better amount of time. You're right, there are many factors that go into it. Some people get engaged after 6 months and last 20 years...and some get engaged after 6 years and only last a year.

[wordsmith]

I've never been in a relationship where I expected a ring, period.

I know my brother was with my sister-in-law for more than five years without being engaged, and they lived together most of that time (they married under a year after the engagement occurred).

My other brother has been with his girlfriend for over eight years, and they're not engaged, though they'd like to change that once career track stuff is more stabilized.

Both brothers are 26. In both cases, all parties knew there was a want for long-term commitment, rings or no rings.

[paiger81]

In both cases, all parties knew there was a want for long-term commitment, rings or no rings.

That's me. Long term commitment is more important to me than a ring & a ceremony.

[Angyl]

When you're looknig for a ring, you ain't going to get it. Especially if looking is accompanied by nagging.

I do think, though, that after a year or more some sort of conclusion should be made about a possible timeline. Like, "Yes, I'd like to marry you, but after we've got both our careers established." or something like that.

[wordsmith]

I also think the age(s) of the couple can be a factor. For my one brother, he and his GF were high school sweethearts. They sure as hell weren't getting engaged a year in, because she would only have been a senior in high school, he a freshman in college. But at 25 and 26, it's evident they're in it for the long haul. In the case of my other brother, they were finishing their schooling as well and securing jobs before a wedding was planned. Were it me, now, at this stage of my life, it might be different, because I'm already established, and don't have schooling still to get through, etc.

[RudeGirl]

For girls and guys:

How long do you think people should be together before the big questions gets asked? A few months? A year? Two? I know there are a lot of factors in this, but just generally, how long do you think people should be together before this becomes a reality?

As long as you think is necessary and fitting. One formula doesn't fit all people, just like one career is not appropriate for everyone. Some people know they're going to marry their significant other the moment they lay eyes on them, for others, it takes a year or two, and some people date for years before making such a committment, if they make one at all.

Generally, though, a relationship should progress as time passes.

It's too bad life isn't like calculus, right? :razz:

[wordsmith]

Don't forget that you can know you're going to marry somebody without wearing a diamond ring.

[k.monster]

It's too bad life isn't like calculus, right? :razz:

I understand life just about as well as I understand calculus - not at all! :)

[winneythepooh7]

Don't forget that you can know you're going to marry somebody without wearing a diamond ring.

Exactly. My boyfriend recently moved in. We've been together for a year and a half. I am pretty positive he's the one, but he doesn't exactly have a spare $4,000 lying around either to buy the ring he would like to buy me (not saying that's how much he should spend, either). Also, that whole "psychological thing" comes into play once you are engaged. You know, that "the end is here", not that it actually is, but you guys all know how guys think. I am not saying that in a bad way, it's just how many people, not just guys, think. I have also heard that a lot of people want to do it when they are ready, they don't want to feel "forced" into it ;).

[LakeJay]

It's too bad life isn't like calculus, right? :razz:

I don't know about that because if it was, I would have just passed the first part and failed the second part. :)

Like everyone's saying, no real timeline or plan can be applied to every relationship. My sister's been with her guy for over 5 years and before that she was another guy for 4 years. No proposals. My friend was with his gf for a year before he proposed...there probably is just 10 months between the engagement and wedding. They both just knew and figured why wait. Granted they're both financially settled. I think this sometimes plays a part as well. I know couples that want to save up first either for the wedding or for their life after or both. I think you'll have a very good idea of if/when the big question will be coming up.

[Winter Storm]

Only when both parties have already decided they are certain they want to be together for life, should one consider getting a ring.

One should NEVER expect one.

[Bugsey34]

When you're looknig for a ring, you ain't going to get it. Especially if looking is accompanied by nagging.

I do think, though, that after a year or more some sort of conclusion should be made about a possible timeline. Like, "Yes, I'd like to marry you, but after we've got both our careers established." or something like that.

Exactly. Every relationship is different though, you can't really put an abstract timeline on it. There are so many factors involved. If I wanted to get married though and I was with a guy for over a year or so and there was no discussion whatsoever about the future, I would take it that he was wasting my time and talk to him about it. If he wasn't responsive I would move on right away.

[wordsmith]

I'm curious. Would anybody ever stay with a s.o. who, while fine with having a long-term, exclusive commitment, had no desire to actually get married, ever?

[Bugsey34]

I'm curious. Would anybody ever stay with a s.o. who, while fine with having a long-term, exclusive commitment, had no desire to actually get married, ever?

Hmm good question. My gut wants to say no, but I think it would depend on what the person's reasoning was, and how I felt about it, too. I am so far from that right now it's hard to say.

[kimmer23]

I also think the age(s) of the couple can be a factor. For my one brother, he and his GF were high school sweethearts. They sure as hell weren't getting engaged a year in, because she would only have been a senior in high school, he a freshman in college. But at 25 and 26, it's evident they're in it for the long haul. In the case of my other brother, they were finishing their schooling as well and securing jobs before a wedding was planned. Were it me, now, at this stage of my life, it might be different, because I'm already established, and don't have schooling still to get through, etc.


i agree. people used to ask alan and i all the time when we were going to get engaged. we were waiting to finish school. plain and simple!

now for some reason where i grew up a lot of people from my generation are not married yet, but the generation of kids that are like 21-23 are all getting married. i wonder what happened?

[winneythepooh7]

That's true about age. I am 30 now. I am ready now for the house and maybe one kid thing. I am settled in my career, and financially in a good place. If you asked me at 25 or even 28 if I was ready to get married and have kids, I would have looked at you like you had 3 heads.

[wordsmith]

I still have a hard time envisioning myself as married. Maybe because I've not dated anybody where I could really see that as a likelihood.

[cheshrcarol]

I'm curious. Would anybody ever stay with a s.o. who, while fine with having a long-term, exclusive commitment, had no desire to actually get married, ever?If it was someone I was sure I wanted to spend my life with I wouldn't, because that to me says deep down (or maybe not so deep) they want an out.

I think somewhere around 2 years together (assuming you're both out of school, living on your own, etc.) is a good time frame. I have a friend that got engaged at 9 months and they'll have been together less than a year and a half and that SCARES me. I just find it so hard to believe you can be sure you want to marry someone after that short a time, but then I've never been in that position either.

[k.monster]

I'm curious. Would anybody ever stay with a s.o. who, while fine with having a long-term, exclusive commitment, had no desire to actually get married, ever?

I would be okay with that. As long as they were willing to be in a commited relationship. I really don't want to live with anyone unless I'm getting married, but if they didn't want to get married but just have the commitment then I would rethink that. As long as I was sure that was the right person.

[RudeGirl]

I'm curious. Would anybody ever stay with a s.o. who, while fine with having a long-term, exclusive commitment, had no desire to actually get married, ever?


Yep--and that's sort of the situation I'm in right now. Neither of us have any respect for government or religious institutions, and those are what make a marriage binding. We're engaged; we're probably going to end up with some kind of common-law or civil union thing eventually, but that's a long way off. I don't want the church or the government, who don't please me generally, and are against my beliefs most of the time, to determine how I say I have a union--and neither does he.

The entire wedding ordeal would be awful for us both, anyway. We'd rather just have a giant, casual party than worry about nosegays and bouquets and what the bridesmaids are going to wear, and which brat is going to scatter rose petals on the carpet, and what Top-40 garbage we're going to play in the fire-hall to make Mom and Dad happy.

As for the whole "wanting an out thing," that's a practicality factor, too. Life is not static, and divorces are expensive.

[shimmer728]

what Top-40 garbage we're going to play in the fire-hall to make Mom and Dad happy.


A fire hall wedding is so PA! *chortles*

I really just want a bachelorette party. Screw the wedding!

[biodork]

My bf and I want to make sure we are both finished with school first. Planning a wedding around trying to get a degree, undergrad or master's would be way too hard. Plus we agreed when we first got back together that we'd wait to really think about it until we were both 25. Not 25 yet here. So provided we actually make it to age 25 together we'll have a discussion then...

[chicagogirl]

Ironically, I just saw an article online about a study about brain chemistry and 'true love.' Our brains create a chemical when we're in love that makes us feels really happy and healthy to be with this person. The study found that our brains make the chemical for only about a year. That said, I don't think anyone should ge tengaged under two years for this very reason. I know it feels perfect at first, but it's later that you find out if you've got anything that will sustain the relationship long term.

[shimmer728]

Ironically, I just saw an article online about a study about brain chemistry and 'true love.' Our brains create a chemical when we're in love that makes us feels really happy and healthy to be with this person. The study found that our brains make the chemical for only about a year. That said, I don't think anyone should ge tengaged under two years for this very reason. I know it feels perfect at first, but it's later that you find out if you've got anything that will sustain the relationship long term.

I just heard this on the radio!

[wordsmith]

This is probably the chemical/hormonal interaction responsible for the infatuation phase of things. And, yeah, good plan to not get engaged when you're in that phase.

[winneythepooh7]

I also tend to believe that a couple should go through some significant trying events before they make a decision to get engaged, and ultimately married. It is also important to spend enough time with a person, maybe even live with them, so you learn about their habits and if you can handle them, especially regarding things like their spending habits, who they associate with and what they do in their free time, for example.

[wordsmith]

I agree...it's relatively easy to handle a relationship when you and your partner ares at your best, most upbeat, top of your game, whatever...reality comes in when you or a partner is hitting serious snags...how you deal with it is a couple is a true test of a relationship's longterm viability. Do you work through it together? Or do you grow distant and/or bolt? Don't know till you're in the position to have to choose.

[winneythepooh7]

I have also heard that a person's negative traits really come out after about a year of dating. I have heard extreme situations too about abuse happening after people get married/engaged.

[wordsmith]

Everybody is on "best behavior," to some extent, for a while.

The way I see it, even if you feel in your gut you're sure pretty early on the somebody's the right person, what's waiting a bit going to hurt? If they're the right person, they're the right person...opting not to jump into things won't damage it if it's the right thing.

[winneythepooh7]

Everybody is on "best behavior," to some extent, for a while.

The way I see it, even if you feel in your gut you're sure pretty early on the somebody's the right person, what's waiting a bit going to hurt? If they're the right person, they're the right person...opting not to jump into things won't damage it if it's the right thing.

Agreed. It's interesting too, because recently, a lot of my boyfriend's guy friends have gotten engaged. These are all guys who put on a front for so long about "waiting" and now they are actually questioning him to as when he is going to pop the question. Even his Mom and Dad have been dropping hints to the BOTH of us. Yeah, it will be cool to flaunt a ring, but I am also perfectly content with getting used to the whole new living-together thing. I actually haven't told many people outside of you guys because I KNOW that everyone will start grilling me about when we are going to get engaged and I just don't feel like talking about it. Sometimes I feel like it's more other people's issue than my own.

[wordsmith]

My brother has said this a lot. He and GF are hesitant to move in together (although he spends most nights at her place, anyway), because that's when the "When are you getting engaged" grilling starts. And when you get a ring, the "When's the date" grilling starts.

[paiger81]

I'm curious. Would anybody ever stay with a s.o. who, while fine with having a long-term, exclusive commitment, had no desire to actually get married, ever?

(((Raises Hand))) 8 years and counting :p Right now we pretty much feel like 'why mess up a good thing' :)

[winneythepooh7]

My brother has said this a lot. He and GF are hesitant to move in together (although he spends most nights at her place, anyway), because that's when the "When are you getting engaged" grilling starts. And when you get a ring, the "When's the date" grilling starts.

And then when you do get married the "When are you having a baby" starts.............GRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

[biodork]

And then when you do get married the "When are you having a baby" starts.............GRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
The nagging will never ever end....

My mom actually said this the other day when we were out eating breakfast after my grandpa's funeral: She looks at my aunt and uncle's baby boy, and looks at me and says "Isn't he adorable?" and THEN yells to my boyfriend while pointing to my cousin "Don't you want one of those yourself?"

AAAAAHHHH And she likes to tell EVERYONE about my bf and I's "wait till we are 25" agreement. Sheesh.

[winneythepooh7]

The nagging will never ever end....

My mom actually said this the other day when we were out eating breakfast after my grandpa's funeral: She looks at my aunt and uncle's baby boy, and looks at me and says "Isn't he adorable?" and THEN yells to my boyfriend while pointing to my cousin "Don't you want one of those yourself?"

AAAAAHHHH And she likes to tell EVERYONE about my bf and I's "wait till we are 25" agreement. Sheesh.

OH MY Elyse! ((((((((((HUGS))))))))). You know what gets me about that? I don't even personally know if I want kids just yet. I go through phases where I do, but realistically, it would be really hard for lots of factors. Plus who the heck knows if me and the guy can even have kids, you know?

[paiger81]

My mom actually said this the other day when we were out eating breakfast after my grandpa's funeral: She looks at my aunt and uncle's baby boy, and looks at me and says "Isn't he adorable?" and THEN yells to my boyfriend while pointing to my cousin "Don't you want one of those yourself?"

LOL, I think my parents are resolved that Kirk & I don't want to get married, I think they have moved on to the baby-making. Mom, Dad, Kirk & I were in Target over T-giving & we passed by the baby clothes section & both her & my dad were like "Oh, just think, if y'all have a kid, we get to dress them!"

Where in the hell did that come from?! :eek:

[biodork]

OH MY Elyse! ((((((((((HUGS))))))))). You know what gets me about that? I don't even personally know if I want kids just yet. I go through phases where I do, but realistically, it would be really hard for lots of factors. Plus who the heck knows if me and the guy can even have kids, you know?
Thats exactly how I am, I go back and forth between wanting kids and not. This is why I am going to start with a puppy :) I know my mom is itching for grandkids though, and I'm betting she is putting all her money on me for them because with the way my brother has been lately he is probably going to make himself sterile.

[Ciderhillnh]

All this nagging from all these people, is that normal? I dated a few guys for several years each, and was never asked when we were moving in together, or when we were going to get married etc (not by friends, family or otherwise)

As for being with someone committed but no ring and never getting married, sure I could do it. I dont need a ring to know that Im with someone. I dont need a ceremony. Its about where the 2 people are and how THEIR relationship is. Sure its not for everyone, but I wouldnt pressure them to get married, if they wanted to be committed then Id be cool with that because Id love them and want to be with them.

Currently.....the guy Im dating keeps asking if I want to be his GF. I keep telling him no because I dont want labels (because of how things change) and he just patiently waits. I wont tell him yes until Im sure. Dont know when that will be, the guy is great, and I adore spending time with him, but its just not the right timing for a label like BF/GF.

[wordsmith]

All this nagging from all these people, is that normal? I dated a few guys for several years each, and was never asked when we were moving in together, or when we were going to get married etc (not by friends, family or otherwise)

In the case of my brother, it's more than several, it's the better part of ten. And it wasn't until his twin got engaged a year ago that people started with the "When are you taking the leap" bullshit.

[Ciderhillnh]

That just seems so odd. Probably because I havent experienced it first hand from anyone. And come to think of it, none of my friends have either.......

Maybe its just in the company you keep or how certain families operate......just dont know.

[paiger81]

Maybe its just in the company you keep or how certain families operate......just dont know.

Just a little insulting there, but whatever.

I think it's the area I live in. In my entire office building, we have 15 20-something employees. I am the only one NOT married.

My immediate family is better with it, though my extended family members are always asking us when we are getting married.

[wordsmith]

It's not our family.

[coll214]

My family(extended) found out about my most recent relationship AFTER it was over for the most part. now anytime i see them I hear, oh don't worry there are other fish in the sea. It's annoying. But now I think my father's petrified that I WILL find someone, when it used to be the other way around. LOL. And speaking of him, been w/ his GF for 15 years and I highly doubt they will ever get married...

That being said, I think a couple needs to Really know each first. Some may think they know that after 6 months, others 10 years. Everyone's timeline is different.

[shimmer728]

My parents couldn't care less if I get married, and I doubt they're in any hurry for grandkids--they still have a kid at home, and my mom spends her day with preschoolers. In FACT, they've recently jumped on the "just live together" bandwagon, which shocks the hell out of me because they're practicing Catholics. But that's cool with me!

[cheshrcarol]

My parents would LOVE grandchildren. And they're constantly making plans for my wedding. Have I mentioned I don't even have a boyfriend? *sigh*. Ever since they bought their new house they've wanted me to have the reception in a tent in the back yard, but I've finally convinced them to throw a college graduation party for my brother instead.

[wordsmith]

I would be thrilled to have a reception (or any gathering, really) in my parents' back yard. It opens onto about 80 acres of wooded meadow.

Fortunately, though, my parents don't get on ANYbody's case about weddings, grandkids, etc. They still don't have all their kids out of the house.

[cheshrcarol]

Well, my parents backyard is fairly big and has woods behind it, but definitley not 80 acres, lol. Plus, I'm not really a wedding in the backyard kind of girl. And I don't think my mom really wants that either, I think they just want an excuse to use yard and show off the house.

[k.monster]

My mom loves my boyfriend and would die of happiness if I told her I was going to marry him. We spent Thanksgiving down at her place and now her adoration of him is even more vocal. She really wants me to have a baby too so I get that a lot as well. The baby thing I just can not understand - she already has 10 grandchildren (I've got a big family)

[The Stranger]

I'm curious. Would anybody ever stay with a s.o. who, while fine with having a long-term, exclusive commitment, had no desire to actually get married, ever?

That pretty much describes what I want. So, needless to say, absolutely.

[Ciderhillnh]

It wasnt meant to be insulting...but more that some friends might be asking because they are more vocal about it just as who they are.
Just like some families are more open or vocal about certain things while others dont talk about those topics.

Just saying might be the company you keep or how your family operates. The people I hang out with dont talk about marriage, or ask when someone is getting married if they have had an SO for a long period of time. We just dont talk about it.

[winneythepooh7]

It wasnt meant to be insulting...but more that some friends might be asking because they are more vocal about it just as who they are.
Just like some families are more open or vocal about certain things while others dont talk about those topics.

Just saying might be the company you keep or how your family operates. The people I hang out with dont talk about marriage, or ask when someone is getting married if they have had an SO for a long period of time. We just dont talk about it.

Everyone in my immediate area seems to be a yenta when it comes to this kind of stuff. I think it's just the culture of the area in general where I live. It's like, people don't talk to you in general, but anything gossip-worthy, they are all up in your shit.

[shimmer728]

I love the word yenta. :D

My grandmas are like Italian yentas!

[winneythepooh7]

I love the word yenta. :D

My grandmas are like Italian yentas!


I actually stole this term from my boyfriend who is Italian and calls his mom, aunt and grandmother this. Oh, and some of our friends too LOL.

[shimmer728]

Really? I first heard it from WB. It's Yiddish.

[shimmer728]

Actually, though, yenta sort of sounds like a kind of pasta, now that I think about it.

[twentity]

I'm curious. Would anybody ever stay with a s.o. who, while fine with having a long-term, exclusive commitment, had no desire to actually get married, ever?

Hell no. If you can live with me you can marry me. Actually, that is one of the questions I ask when dating someone, do you intend on getting married one day. That way, we don't waste each other's time.