Ouch, it just got lonelier out here

[JakesRI]

So things were going pretty well for me out in So. Cal, Working a job, developing a business on the side, I worked too much to really be lonely. I kept in touch with a lot of my friends from the East Coast as I made new friends and contacts out here. Still every weekend, I got the drunken calls from my best buds saying "When are you going to move back?". The next morning I would always call and we'd talk trash, life, and basically keep in touch. For those of you So. Cal imports, you know how you always try to get your buds to move out here? Well for some reason one day when I told one of my best friends"you really need to get your butt out here to see what life is like" he agreed! I couldn't believe it, and I was shocked for a week or two, not knowing whether he was serious or not. We talked every day, I helped him organize the logisitics of the move, and we already had plans to start a soccer school for little kids in the town where I lived so he could make money when he got here. I was so excited for him to get out here, he was going to crash on my floor while he got on my feet and I introduced him around. I can't even tell you how proud I was that he was taking this step against all notions of reason - to pursue life and the road less traveled. I had never seen him so excited either.

Here is the timing of what went down: My best friend who is moving out here was moving in 7 days, it was his birthday in 8 days, I was flying East to visit him and my other best friend in 4 days to be at his going away party. I was flying out of L.A. on Thursday.
Sunday morning I got a phone call from my best friend who after a long moment of silence told me my best friend who was moving out here had died that night in a car accident.

I was on a flight the following day.

I spent 9 days back East with his family, and my friends. Words just can't describe that time. It was hard. When I flew back to So. Cal, leaving my East Coast friends, I came back into my house and as I lay down, I knew that it just got a lot lonelier out here.

The hardest part was calling everyone we had contacted out here and telling them what happened. I had cleaned out half my room, half my closet for him. I still haven't moved it back. I know these things happen in life. It just never seems like it happens to you. I'm not a down person, I'm pretty consistently in a positive mood, but this hurts.

[pisces2473]

Jakes--

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. Death is horrible at any time, but when it's unexpected, it's so much worse. I have never lost a friend (thank god) but I think it is normal to feel hurt and not want to do things like move back closets to their original way. You need time to accept that he's not coming...and someday, you'll be able to take back the cleaned out space. This might not be the clearest analogy, but here goes. My grandmother died when I was a sophomore in college. We weren't close since she was in and out of nursing homes because of Multiple Sclerosis for the majority of MY life. Most people would think that I wouldn't take her death hard, since I really didn't know her. But I did--I didn't want to go out with my friends in the first few weeks after her death, I didn't want to go to class, etc. It's strange how sad I was, and I thought that was WEIRD. My roommate had to sit me down and tell me that every thing was okay and that I was entitled to feel sad, even if I didn't really know her. What I'm trying to say is that you too are entitled to your feelings. I'm sure people are telling you this--be mad, angry, pissed, whatever. I can only imagine what it is like for you to be in Cali and the majority of your close friends back on the East Coast--you're unable to go through the grieving process together (in person). I hope you are calling these friends and talking with them when you are upset or troubled. Maybe in a few weeks you could go back home for another visit.

Another thing--it's okay not to want to be positive.

Hang in there...and again, I'm really sorry for your loss. I hope the QLC board can provide another layer of support for you.

[andrewx]

Jakes, I am very sorry about the death of your friend! Please take care.

With Concern,

Andrewx

[tipsy88]

A good friend of mine died 5 years ago unexpectedly and suddenly due to medical complications, a week after I had last saw her. I still remember that very last day i saw her alive, and I still remember the things we talked about.

Just last year my father died also from medial complications. Life stopped for me then and there. I can't even really begin to explain what i felt, except that there was an empty feeling in my stomach and a deep numbing feeling that swept over me.

To realize that these events happen in life is one thing, to experience them however... that is something on an entirely different level. The following days afterwards on each occasion was surreal, the days seemed to extend beyond infinity and i didn't really know what to do. All i knew was that talking and writing help me say things, help me cope with my losses. Soon after i found myself talking to other friends and people about their experiences and it actually it did some small about of comfort. I suppose i felt it wasn't as lonely, that people had gone through similar things.

Anyway, I hope you can take some small amount comfort knowingly that others have experience similiar feelings and that through your other friends and family, you are not entirely alone.

[JakesRI]

thanks to all for the words of encouragement, its nice to know other people have been through similar experiences. My life has been dotted with death of loved ones in the past 5 years, my grandfather, my best friend recently, and a former roommate also who died of cancer, a high school friend of mine died from cancer also. Of all these, it is my best friends death that has hit me the hardest, there is still a sense of the unreal to the situation.

thanks again

drew

[Rainster]

Drew, I just wanted to echo everybody's sympathies and let you know you're definitely not alone.

My dad died suddenly about a year ago, right after I graduated. I was on the east coast but as the oldest child I had to completely rearrange my life and move back west. Then a couple months ago my step-grandfather passed away (by choice).

Have you looked into grief/loss/depression resources in your area? Hopefully there's a community support group or a good therapist you can visit ... (I tried to look at resources near me, but found that there were groups for kids, elderly widows, and 30-40somethings, but not 20somethings. It was almost as if nobody expected young adults to have to deal with death. I hope you have more support outlets available for you.)

Anyways, I'm finding that talking and writing/journaling provide good bases for reflection and development. But it's different for every person. I hope you're managing to find support in your own way. Take care...