Maintaining friendships, a semi-rant

[Angyl]

OK, I've always been the planner in my group of friends, no matter which group. I organized homecoming, prom, all the college get togethers and frequently even the get togethers now. It's a pain, but I always figured that friendships drift after a certain age unless you work at it.

I have several friends that PISS ME OFF. Some of them are coupled off and some are still single, but I bust my ass to get everyone together, and they're all gung ho about it to begin with, and then they can't come or are too tired or whatever. I mean, Hell, I spent two weeks trying to get a group opf people together once, and by the time we did it, everyone went home early. Most of us rarely go out anymore, so I thought it'd be fun to havea big night out. I do this once every four or five months.

I mean, seriously. they want to be my friend, but they think it's OK to lapse in five months on not calling me or e-mailing.. Hell, I work for the same company as one of them. They work in a different office, but we're on the same e-mail system. She never even sends one to say hey. It makes me not want to try, but we all have this crazy history together. Fucking pisses me off.

*rant over*

[spokes]

i tend to let these kind of "friendships" go into a state of suspended animation - i.e. I give up making plans, phone calls etc and just see what happenes. if we get together, great - it is like old times, if we just become strangers in the crowd so be it........

[Ciderhillnh]

Im the planner too, and if I didnt put in the effort then no one would ever go out or get togeher....nor would my phone ring asking me what Im up to.

I once got VERY pissed off that I put in all the effort and it was rarely returned, so I gave up trying....guess what....no one E mailed or called or even wanted to know if I was alright (I email most people daily you'd think they would notice if they didnt hear from me for 3 weeks)-----this made me even more angry.
When I approached them to say why didnt you reach out at all.....they told me it was MY FAULT because I stopped trying to contact them. I explained that its a 2 way street.....they basically said they rely on me to make the plans because I have the ideas and always initiate.....my response was well it shouldnt just be on my shoulders, and it would be so nice for someone to make a suggestion or look up ideas or INITIATE rather than look for me to do it.

For awhile things were rocky, and I still get mad because they dont call me, but I figure its my role...and my choices are-----call and ask what people are doing and make plans, or dont do anything and sit at home alone pissed.....
I just deal that Im the plan maker.

It sucks....but in most groups there is the funny one, the smart one, the conservative one, the crazy one, the planner and the free spirit........

[Deadend]

Angyl, thank you, your post has touched my very heart.

Being "the organizer" is a very time consuming and completely thankless job. I've one friend who consitantly gets people together, organizes parties, even sets out food! What does he get? People act like his basement apartment is the worst place in the world and winding up at his place is virtual confirmation of having no life because you have nothing better to do.

I myself am feeling the same way right now as I have been lately trying to play the roll of "organizer" for New Years. Specfically, a trip to Montreal. Everyone is all gung-ho when you put it on the table. But first of all they expect you to be an accountant "how much? how much?" secondly if you ask anything of them they make excuses. And thirdly they make no effort for so much as confirmations. You have to keep running after them with "so you still in? so you still in?", and if you ask them too much they get annoyed. Like you're being imposing by suggesting they get off their ass for once, or are trying to talk them into something they don't want to do.

Ya, I get annoyed. They can all sit at home playing video games and wacking off for all I care. No initiative whatsoever; screw the guys, I'm speanding new years with my gf.

[bridgetjones]

I say stop emailing so much or ask ppl what they think for a change.

The ones that will matter might actually go out of their way to contact you for a change. THen there are some friendships not worth maintaining. Then there are some that you might just reduce the maintenance on since they are not worth the energy to maintain. Yeah get some new pals! I am working on that one. If I depended on my old uni buds I'd be alone and miserable since we've grown apart for the most part. THere is one that pisses me off just thinking about her. Lets just say everybody has to do work in a friendship except her. Hell she does not even listen to ppl when they speak! AHhhhh!!!! Dont get me started :mad: (BTW I only hang with her semi annually bc she is pals with other pals I want to keep in touch with for real).

[bridgetjones]

Ya, I get annoyed. They can all sit at home playing video games and wacking off for all I care. No initiative whatsoever; screw the guys, I'm speanding new years with my gf.

Really? I have 4 friends that are pretty much very dependable in the if they say they are coming, they are coming sort of way. If they say they will know by a certain date, they let me know by a certain date. I am the same. They do not balk about costs. They help out if needed. Geez I guess I shoudl appreciate it more. Then again they have organized trips/events and know it is more than annoying to leave ppl hanging.

It makes making plans a breeze! The rest are more flaky. Funny I thought females are more like this than males since it is my mostly male pals that are dependable in this way. My pal could not get ppl to RSVP to her own WEDDING! Rude rude rude....

It is this sort of flakiness that made me stuck with my BF most of the time since it was a pain to make plans. That is when I had one :neutral:

[Deadend]

Oh no way, guys are all over non-comittle "sure, ok" 's when it comes to plans.

These are my hometown high school friends. My university friends are much better about things (being all into canoeing and outdoorsy stuff, which is all about planning), but have moved to all corners of the globe as of late, which itself makes plans much more difficult with them.

[bridgetjones]

Hmmm... Come to think of it those dependable friends are into either international travelling/ cultural activities or outdoorsy stuff that requires firm planning to not screw up. There is the odd female in that group but it is mostly male.

Anywho it looks like I am going up North for NYE and I am likely dragging my international travel/ culture pals up north to meet the outdoorsy crowd. Hmmm....

[kimmer23]

Im the planner too, and if I didnt put in the effort then no one would ever go out or get togeher....nor would my phone ring asking me what Im up to.

I once got VERY pissed off that I put in all the effort and it was rarely returned, so I gave up trying....guess what....no one E mailed or called or even wanted to know if I was alright (I email most people daily you'd think they would notice if they didnt hear from me for 3 weeks)-----this made me even more angry.
When I approached them to say why didnt you reach out at all.....they told me it was MY FAULT because I stopped trying to contact them. I explained that its a 2 way street.....they basically said they rely on me to make the plans because I have the ideas and always initiate.....my response was well it shouldnt just be on my shoulders, and it would be so nice for someone to make a suggestion or look up ideas or INITIATE rather than look for me to do it.

For awhile things were rocky, and I still get mad because they dont call me, but I figure its my role...and my choices are-----call and ask what people are doing and make plans, or dont do anything and sit at home alone pissed.....
I just deal that Im the plan maker.

It sucks....but in most groups there is the funny one, the smart one, the conservative one, the crazy one, the planner and the free spirit........


i feel like this. i am also the planner. people, i think are so wrapped up in themselves these days. also if they have a SO/spouse its even worse. my parents friends are all wrapped up in their kids and grand kids.

[kimmer23]

Angyl, thank you, your post has touched my very heart.

Being "the organizer" is a very time consuming and completely thankless job. I've one friend who consitantly gets people together, organizes parties, even sets out food! What does he get? People act like his basement apartment is the worst place in the world and winding up at his place is virtual confirmation of having no life because you have nothing better to do.

I myself am feeling the same way right now as I have been lately trying to play the roll of "organizer" for New Years. Specfically, a trip to Montreal. Everyone is all gung-ho when you put it on the table. But first of all they expect you to be an accountant "how much? how much?" secondly if you ask anything of them they make excuses. And thirdly they make no effort for so much as confirmations. You have to keep running after them with "so you still in? so you still in?", and if you ask them too much they get annoyed. Like you're being imposing by suggesting they get off their ass for once, or are trying to talk them into something they don't want to do.

Ya, I get annoyed. They can all sit at home playing video games and wacking off for all I care. No initiative whatsoever; screw the guys, I'm speanding new years with my gf.


i too am trying to plan something for new yrs and everyone is just being last minute on things. alan and i were invited on a friend's boat for new yrs downtown. maybe we'll just go and do that. screw everyone else. its their fault for not speaking up and getting their head out of their ass.

[coll214]

Being "the organizer" is a very time consuming and completely thankless job.

I myself am feeling the same way right now as I have been lately trying to play the roll of "organizer" for New Years. Specfically, a trip to Montreal. Everyone is all gung-ho when you put it on the table. But first of all they expect you to be an accountant "how much? how much?" secondly if you ask anything of them they make excuses. And thirdly they make no effort for so much as confirmations. You have to keep running after them with "so you still in? so you still in?", and if you ask them too much they get annoyed. Like you're being imposing by suggesting they get off their ass for once, or are trying to talk them into something they don't want to do.

110% agree. I'm generally the organizer and that's what I always get;or the obligatory I need to know how much before I can decide. So i give a ballpark answer and then I get balked at for that. errr.

With my friends it's more that it's always the SAME stuff; when I try to plan different things is when they all look at me like I have two heads. Or yeah we should do that then god forbid I plan it, everyone backs out or tries to get me to reschedule....

[Deadend]

I'm generally the organizer and that's what I always get;or the obligatory I need to know how much before I can decide. So i give a ballpark answer and then I get balked at for that. errr.

Oh tell me about that. If you give any padding either way you get balked. It's like people expect a gaurentee. Like you're supposed to pay for everything beyond your estimate. Like what am I a friggen tour agency?

[Angyl]

What i find most annoying is that when i do get to see them, like we jsut happen to be going to the same party, they're like, "KIm Why haven't I seen you in forever?"

Well, asshole, it's beucase you're constantly ditching me and not calling. I have up on your ass.

Of course i never say that. I'm sure I'll get to the point where I will. They're so self absorbed. I have three friends getting married in the same two week period. I wanted to do a big bachelor-like party for all three of them, since I won't be able to make it to one of the weddings, and they're all like, no, I think that's too much of a hassle. Well, fine. I jsut won't make it to your party then and when you think I'm a bitch for not going, then I'll remind why I can't go.

[Deadend]

Actually my brother DID call his friends on this kind of stuff a couple months ago. The response?

"Well, you do kind of live kind of far away."

He lives about a 20min (tops) drive from his friends, all of which have cars, but whom mostly still live in walking distance from each other.

Self absorbed BS is right. My best friends from University? They're currently in Calgary, California, Mexico and Japan. THAT is "kind of far away".

[wordsmith]

I was the glue that kept friendships together for forever and ever, too...it got to the point where my friends took advantage of me always being the planner or the host, and just never bothered to initiate anything themselves, and did the bailing out thing, too, always at the last minute, and always ruining MY plans. So, I quit. And, now I get guilted..."I never see you...we should get together." Um, you never see me because you don't care to put in any effort...even if it's showing up for something I set up or planned. And we should get together. But we won't. And it's because you're apathetic. Fuck you.

[wordsmith]

Hahahah..."You live too far away" is rich. Because, um, it's a lot less far for me to go to your place than you to go come to mine?

[Deadend]

Farther, really, if you go into travel time and who has a car and who doesn't.

But that is neither here nor there, really.

[coll214]

"Well, you do kind of live kind of far away."

He lives about a 20min (tops) drive from his friends, all of which have cars, but whom mostly still live in walking distance from each other.
when i lived that far away, I used to get that too... but you live all the way in...Bleh I still made an effort though!!

Now I'm on the other side of TOWN and sometimes that's too far :googly:. whatever. Now if i want to plan something I do, and if i don't then I won't. so no vacay this year, since I didn't plan it.

this same rule applies for concerts too. Me or my sister always know about them and ask and then if we don't wanna go, we don't bring it up. So once they hear loooong after the tickets are sold out, they get annoyed! Well, you could have initiated if you really wanted to go.

[katip]

I'm kind of on the other side of your rant.

I have a few friends who always ask me to go out drinking and dancing during the week. I never do because I have a job and am a student and they don't leave until after 9:30 p.m. and stay out until bar close. I never see these girls anymore because I don't fit into what they consider a good time (late nights at clubs and loud bars) and they don't enjoy what I would consider a good time (happy hour, dinner and drinks at a place where you can hear each other).

Maybe consider changing the types of plans that you make with them. Sometimes friendships are kept alive when they're really already over. It's more painful to deal with that (as you're seeing) than to realize it and deal with the "why don't we ever hang out" comments. I've found that's usually just an attempt at small talk anyway.

[Bugsey34]

I hear you Angyl, the same crap happens to me. More often than not though I would say the cancellations piss me off more than having to be the organizer. I HATE when people cancel last minute.

I must say that I do have a group of friends that shares in the planning. Maybe it's because at the moment I feel like, by my previous standards, I have a bunch of different groups of friends. Something's always going on with someone, so I never feel like anyone is really slighting me. But I must say a big part of this is my book club, maybe you should look into joining something organized like that. We are totally not even a book club anymore, because we've been in it so long we are just all a group of friends now, and we share the responsibility of hosting though because in a way it's still a formal get together type of thing, like we send out Evites and whatnot. If one person was hosting all the time we would feel bad. Try that, maybe you will meet new people anyway!

[spiritedaway]

I totally hear ya on this one, Angyl, and I agree with spokes. I gave up trying. I organized something earlier this year (a thankless job), and it's sort of irritating when a few ppl would complain about the location (when they offer NO idea when I was taking suggestions). One guy was thoughtful enough to thank me for organizing it and for organizing it well.

It's actually pretty interesting to see who care enough to try to keep in touch. One of my friends (very shy and considered least likely to initiate) has sent me emails and forwards, and an occasional phone call/invite. I do the same. I appreciated her efforts because I know she's extremely shy, so she's definitely a keeper friend. We are still in touch even though we're no longer "geographically" convenient.

The others...I don't care as much anymore. It sort of saddens me sometimes because I don't want to be apathetic, but I can't force it either. I make efforts sometimes but if I'm always the one initiating/making the plan, I give up. I usually reciprocate (unless I just have a really miserable time with that person). ;)

Having said that, I also hate it when people cancel at the last minute. If I make plans, I keep it unless it's something really urgent, and I might cancel on a 'tentative' plan if a solid offer is out there. Tentative plan always feels like you're a last minute backup, like it will materialize if other plans don't work out.

It's pretty simple: If someone doesn't want to hang out, they should just say so. It'll save everyone's time.

i tend to let these kind of "friendships" go into a state of suspended animation - i.e. I give up making plans, phone calls etc and just see what happenes. if we get together, great - it is like old times, if we just become strangers in the crowd so be it........