Can ex's be friends?

[sassy]

Let me know what you think?

I have an ex-boyfriend of 4 years when we dated it was for 9 months. He was my true love, I loved being with him and the way he makes me feel. Nine months late he breaks my heart and breaks up with me saying that he is "broken" I could never understand what "broken" meant? Broken what? He always had a hard time explaining it to me. I didn't talk to him for three months after the break up after September 11th we decided to be friends. I have always been honest with him and told him I don't become friends with my ex-boyfriends. I told him I don't think I can handle it especially when they start dating again. As time went on....we would talk on the phone and email each other alot. I would always ask him if he had a girlfriend and he would always say no.

For the past couple of months I have been sensing that he has a girlfriend. Remind you it took me a long time to get over him. Come to find out I was right he does have a girlfriend. Now, I feel like I am totally shut down from him. I don't want to talk to him. I feel like we broke up all over again.

Is he not broken anymore? What makes her special and not me? This is the reason I can not be friends with ex's. It's too hard, but can it be done? Can women have friendships with ex's? Where does all the feelings go? When do you stop second quessing yourself?

[meatwad]

I would say it's possible, but if it's going to happen it's going to happen. I don't think you can make yourself be friends with someone like that. From the sounds of things, a friendship might not work with you two, or at least not any time soon.

[Cole]

yes, ex's can be friends. Years later, and only when you are both totally okay with the other seeing other people. Essentially, you need to be able to show up at a party with your date and the other person with their date and be okay with it in order to be friends.

Since you're not, I would say no, don't try to be friends with him. At least not right now.

As for the other girl: You said it's been four years... people change. Maybe he's not broken anymore. Or who knows, he might break up with this girl 9 months from now and tell her he's "broken" too. You could spin your wheels trying to figure this out for hours, and probably will never know why he couldn't date you but can date someone else, or what being "broken" really means. He's with someone else, for whatever reason. And it has nothing to do with you.

I've said several times on similar threads, some of my best guy friends are ex's. And most of my ex's I am still friends with. But in every case I had to not talk to them at all for several years, and then when we ran into each other again, we had both had several other relationships in between.

I still have chemistry and am physically attracted to some of them, but i know that every one of those relationships ended forgood reason, and I would never go back to any.

[spokes]

despite the fact that i ended the relationship with my ex i could not be friends with her simply because i still wanted to be with her.

we have been apart for more than 4 years and i pretty much still think about her everyday (although if given the opportunity i would not want to reconcile with her - i think i like to live with a "tourtured soul").

she wanted to be friends, and i could not handle that.

if the relationship was not that serious for me, i could be friends, but once you go past a certain point, i could not and would not want to be friends.

[Winter Storm]

I think ex's can only really be friends if there aren't any feelings left between them, which is probably why I've never attempted to stay friends with any exes. When I've loved someone, those feelings last a looooong time and the last thing I'd want to hear or know about is the new girl or new love.

That's crushing.

[and1grad]

I think some people can and some cant.

[wordsmith]

It's VERY hard to dial it down to friends, honestly, if you felt strongly.

[internut33]

Was with my last GF year & 1/2. Some down time in between but it was hard for us to be around eachother cuz feelings are still there which did lead to some things that should probably have not happend.

Now her new BF basically has made her cut all ties with me. Made her change her phone #, believe now she's changed online screen names, what a bastard guy.

Guess I'd do the same thing though. Ah well.

[Winter Storm]

It's VERY hard to dial it down to friends, honestly, if you felt strongly.

Only days after my first love broke up with me, we were on the phone and he was telling me how he wanted to be friends, how he could 'kid sister' me?????
I tried to be his friend, but once he started talking about how much in love he was with the new chick, I was too crushed to go on that way.

I mean how could I go from a lover to a 'kid sister'? Wasn't happening. :(

I think I can only be real friends once those feelings of attachment are gone.

[wordsmith]

Yeah, there's just no way.

[wordsmith]

I also feel a lot of the time that "let's be friends" is more a conscience-assuaging thing than it is an actual bid for true friendship.

[lorion11]

The only time I can be friends with someone that I dated is if I never fell in love with them. I DEFINITELY need a period of time when I don't talk to them to get over all the hurt feelings.

One of my best guy friends is someone I only went out with three times.

[sassy]

I agree. I can not be friends with him anymore I am still enlove with him and he is not with me. That's what hurts the most. I will cut all ties to him and I will miss him alot. I am tired of always getting hurt from him. Time to move on. A new year....new people.

[Winter Storm]

A new year....new people.

Exactly!

[Deavan]

Great post, Cole. That's my take on this topic as well.

DITTO what cole and workinprogress said

[wordsmith]

I will be the first to admit that I have a VERY hard, if not impossible time, getting over badly hurt feelings.

[biodork]

I will be the first to admit that I have a VERY hard, if not impossible time, getting over badly hurt feelings.
I do as well. Even with friends. I just recently made up with a friend that I hadn't talked to in 3 years because of a fight we had at the end of our sophomore year. It takes me a looooooooooong time to forgive things. The more severe the hurt, the longer it takes.

I could never be friends with an ex.

[wordsmith]

Trust is never the same. You hurt me once, odds are good you'll do it again.

[depressed1983]

I used to think that it was possible to be friends w/ ex's, but now I realize it's probably not. Which is really sad considering that the people you're closest to in your life are those who you date, and then if it doesn't work out you never see them again. It's tough, because so many life experiences are shared w/ these people. See, my bf and I keep breaking up and getting back together because the 'let's just be friends' thing doesn't work. We still want each other in our lives, yet we both know someone would get seriously hurt if we tried being just friends. -- I don't know if it's a bad reason to stay in a relationship -- having a boyfriend who is my good friend, probably my best friend -- I don't think I could deal with hearing about him dating other people, but I also don't know what I'd do w/ out him in my life. *sigh*

[Starsailor]

I agree with what many have said before me. I definitely think it's possible, but it's probably best if you have both moved on and don't have romantic feelings for each other anymore. But I do think it's a bit more complicated than that, than just cutting off ties "till you're over it." In my experience, removing yourself from the situation only pauses things. If you merely stop talking to and seeing that person, say, for 6 months, and go on with life as normal...I think the next time you see that person, those feelings could very well come rushing back. In a sense, you have to actively work on getting over him or her so you don't feel that void anymore and won't want them in the same way the next time you're with them. In the past when I was in love with my best friend of the time (we were more than friends and then he decided it wasn't for the best and seemed to find it a lot easier to move on), I forced myself to talk to him and be a friend and listen to him if he needed to talk about his current girlfriend or whatever the case was. It was far from easy, very painful at times, and I did have my bitter moments where I said I couldn't do it anymore, but we stuck with it and in the end, it helped me to face reality and get on with things.

I also think a lot of analysis has to be done, like asking yourself if what you're feeling is true, in-the-moment type feelings for this person or more of a sentimental thing, a longing for what you had. I don't know if this is making sense, it's hard to articulate, but I think there's a difference. I also think, for certain people, it's possible to admit there's still a bit of a flame for someone or deep caring, especially if you were together for a while or close friends before and during the relationship, but not feel the need to act on it. To be at peace with it for lack of a better phrase. That's a hell of lot easier of course if there's someone else you love dearly in your life by that time.

[Deadend]

I should probably stop posting about this, but I have mentioned my experiance on the matter several times. Namely, an ex that initially expected me to just forget about everything and be her buddy basically instantly, who ridaculed me when I wasn't getting over things on a schedule she thought appropriate, and who finally a year after the break up got pissed off when I did not react the way she wanted me to when she told me of some new love interest. That last one was enough to convince me this wasn't someone I wanted as a "friend".

Fuck you, you're not entittled to my friendship just because we were close. Friends with the ex? Yes it's *possible*, no it's not like falling up or traveling faster then light like that which is "impossible", but lets be clear. It's a full on bonus when it happens, and moreover, should probably just be treated like the unexpected when you split.

[dengeist]

I don't believe in it. Especially right after the break-up. Some of my ex's have tried to say, "Oh you have a new girlfriend, let's hang out" or "I want to meet her." It's like, no, you just want to see what I have now to either try to feel really good about yourself or feel really bad.

How awkward is it to hang out with, your ex and your new gf or someone you're trying to start something with? Somebody is going to feel like a third wheel.

Nah, I don't play that.

But then again, I'm not a big advocate of breaking up and getting back together either.

[gatman]

My last ex and me are great friends, We lived together for 3 years, almost got married, almost had a kid (nature's evil side kicked in and stopped that), but we got to a point one day where we realised we were both rottenly unhappy - so we mutually split, a huge relief for both of us.

she got a new man pretty soon (couple of months) after, I have been single since. but we go out for coffee & hang out heaps, and it's really great.
She's met the girl i'm interested in , and is all excited that i might have found someone. And i'm stoked she's with someone that makes her happy!

I think we are the exception tho, and we don't usually tell certain people or history because they get more stressed than we do about it...

[3point1four]

no, you can't be friends with an ex.

The only exes I am cool talking with or seeing them with other dudes are the ones that are at least 2 exes removed.

For example, I date Ex A* for a year, break up, date Ex B** for a couple months, break up, and at this point Ex A and Ex B are both off limits to me as friends/aquaintences/etc. But after I've broken up with Ex C*** I will naturally be more comfortable with Ex A*

That's just the way I'm wired, but it may be different for some of you psychopaths


footnote:

*sshole
**itch
***unt

[Southern_gurl]

All I can say is I broke up with my my fist love almost 5 years ago. And we said we would always be friends, but it took several years [about 3] for us to even email each other. Now we chat through email VERY often but..it is strange to hear about his current girl :frustrate or talk about my boyfriend to him. I say give it time and you just never know what might happen...

[Lipgloss Boost]

Yes they can! As I said when it happened & now I tell the story Of Alex & Ashley: "Everybody just had to calm the f*ck down!" It just takes some screaming, sh*t throwing, a good meal together - then it happens. Actually, it was the best move I made. Who else knew me that well, would get me drunk when I F*cked-up a relationship, let me cry, & pass-out on his couch? As soon as everyone calms down, it is such a good friendship-thing to do!

[StopTheInsanity]

no.


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[KeepRockin]

my ex from college is one of my best guy friends. we were together for almost 4 years and have been apart for 2. i've had a few significant relationships in between and he's well aware...and vice versa. i think it's a matter of who the people are when the breakup happens and who they want to be with eachother when the hurt is supressed. it's got to be mutual, though.

i also still keep in touch with high school boyfriends and the most recent guy who broke my heart by breaking up with me when i thought things were perfect.

we all move on. i have. but i can't just push a friend out of my life, even if i did date him for a while...