Have you ever dumped someone before?

[PVD99]

If so, what was your reason for dumping them? How did you go about doing it, too... (did you ease your way out of it slowly or just drop the bomb with a phone call or post-it note!)

[shimmer728]

I'm a huge coward and I hate confrontation, so I've done the e-mail thing and the never-return-calls thing. I know, it's so bad! I like to think I've grown up since then, though.

[Deadend]

How very masculine of you Shimmer. I remember someone saying to me that girls typically give a line of BS trying to "let you down easy", where as guys just sort of fall off the edge of the earth. Hmmm.... seems about right from what I've seen. Only been the dumpER once, and ya that's pretty much what I did. I think the feelings of the dumper are the same in both cases though, mainly that they don't have many if any.

[blueyes]

I dumped my last ex b/c he was into drugs and stopped speaking to me because he went to build a cabin in the woods - 2 hrs away. I didn't get to talk to him for nearly three straight weeks. I talked to him the day before Thanksgiving and dumped him over the phone. :shrug:

[Starsailor]

I dumped my first boyfriend because I just wasn't in love with him anymore. Wasn't sure if I ever had been. Was a long-distance relationship so had to do it over the phone. Would have preferred to have done it in person if it was possible. It would have been harded and more awkward but I think the other person deserves that at least.

[shimmer728]

How very masculine of you Shimmer.

I know. LOL.

[dengeist]

I drove 3 1/2 hours, all the way up to Boston to breakup with someone. Believe me, that sucks. The main reason, even though there were a lot of good things in the relationship, it was still toxic. I came to a few sudden realizations that told me life with her would always be the way it was then.

I think she kind of knew with the sudden, "I'm coming up there, right now." I still remember her stalking into Boston Commons like a bat out of hell. We had a long two hour conversation, that ended with me sliding her stuff to her across a park bench and me walking away. I still hate Boston to this day.

[Ciderhillnh]

Ive dumped 2 people......serious BFs if thats what we are talking about....as for dating thats an entirely different number.

My last BF, I dumped because we just werent working as an item anymore. I had been in DC for a wedding and had no yearning to speak with him or see him. I knew then that it wasnt going to work.
So I got home and called him and told him about my trip and that I had been thinking, and asked him to meet me for dinner.
We met half way (we lived 80+ miles from one another) and had dinner. We tried to talk but he was doing the same old things (he tried to tell me that the time apart gave him time to think and he had changed) he kept asking for one more chance, I kept telling him that we had done the same routine too many times and it wasnt going to happen this time.

We both left teary, and we had to meet up several weeks later to exchange stuff, which was really hard.
It sucks, and I dont like hurting people, but he and I would just make better friends than SOs. He doesnt feel the same and we havent spoken since we exchanged stuff.

[biodork]

I've only broken up with one person, and it wasn't really a relationship, we'd only been dating a week. But basically I really liked him until he kissed me. And boy was that the WORST kiss I've ever had. Think dog coming up to you and giving you a kiss. And I really really tried to help him too but every time we kissed I'd end up with gobs of spit around my mouth. It was disgusting. His kiss killed any attraction I had to him.

Oh and not to mention he did the whole change his mind if we disagreed on something so that it matched my opinion. That was annoying as shit.

So I broke up with him over the phone. Really wasn't that hard, I felt bad for him though he really liked me.

[old_school_soul]

I've always dumped face to face.. Unfortunately I've been the dumpee the last go rounds. Dumping someone else is much more tolerable.

[Tayl405]

I've been in 4 serious relationships and been the one to end all 4. I sat down and talked to them about it, and it was always hard, but it was necessary.

[wordsmith]

I've never dumped anybody. Maybe once, when I was 15. I think it occurred in the school cafeteria. But never as an adult. I have always been the dumpee.

[Winter Storm]

I've had to break up with a few guys. I've done it face to face, by email and written letter.

I've also had my fair sharing of being dumped, usually by phone or by the never-returned phone call.

I never thought of the post-it note. I'll keep that one in mind.

[bridgetjones]

Hmm... I have dumped the one serious relationship. It was hard, there was tears. I tried the slow method. THe be friends method. Nah... Prolonged the pain. So I went cold turkey - no contact, no nothing method...

The last BF was a tie :p We both knew it was not working. He requested the meeting. He asked me - so where do you think this is going? I said "lets be friends". He was stunned - ha ha ha.... Gotcha! THat being said it was not too serious.

[midtwenty]

To me, the term "dumped" automatically implies that the process was less than sensitive, usually conducted badly, and done in the hope that it would cause the least possible pain to the person doing the dumping. In short, it's pretty shitty.

I personally have never dumped anyone. I broke up with a guy I was seeing most of my junior year of high school, but I did have the cajones to do it in person. He picked me up one night and I told him in the car that I had realized that we just weren't compatible as bf/gf and that I wanted to break it off. He was upset, but took it very well. It was all quite mature. ;)

That said, I've been dumped like a fat man falling down a flight of stairs. It's not fun, so I wouldn't do it to anyone else.

[inuts]

I think twice.

One girl was a lot of fun and very pretty, but she was totally unromantic, and I got frustrated. I broke up with her over a summer with the intention of getting back together the next fall, but we just never got back together. She was a nice girl, but she didn't understand that she needed to be more romantic.

The other was also very nice, and my family liked her, but I just was never into her in the first place.

I often wonder why I'm attracted to one girl and not another. I know it's personality, but it's strange. I am pretty easygoing and I enjoy being with people, but I actually prefer a girl who isn't. I mean, I like a sweet and kind girl, but for some reason girls who are all about fun and going to bars and "being one of the guys" aren't for me. I think I prefer a really quiet feminine girl... I don't know.

[wordsmith]

I AM guilty of having dodged phone calls from people who want to date me that I'm not interested in dating...but I can't imagine ending an actual relationship in a way that's less than direct, and/or not in person. I also can't imagine doing it in an insensitive manner.

[embrassezla]

my one, glaring situation where i dumped someone was in college. it wasn't a serious relationship, but he was extremely nice and very into me, and i just could not force myself to be attracted to him. i dumped him in the worst possible way - by basically ignoring his calls until he got the hint. i feel bad about it to this day. but karma came back around - i was dumped in the same way about a year later, and it was the second worst heartbreak of my life.

[coll214]

As far as I'm concerned, I've never dumped/broken up w/ anyone. My ex has a different stance though. After I didn't hear from him for a month or so (the alleged dirt bike accident and out of comission w/ supposedly no one who could contact me :mad: ), I basically wrote him a letter saying have a nice life dumbass. While I was in Cancun, he called to explain. We dragged out talking for another 2-3 months, only getting together once and now I haven't heard from him in 3 weeks. I'm not holding my breath, and i know i'm better off....

[Chameleon]

I've been dumped in a couple parking lots before. Dates over, there was tension that I can't put my finger on and we get to my car, I hear "I can't see you anymore". Granted, these weren't serious relationships but it made me a little wary of goodbyes by the car for a while.

I left a "I don't want to see you again" on a guy's voicemail once. Towards the end, he would disappear for weeks, hardly ever answered his phone and sporadically returned my calls. Given the amount of effort it took to actually see him when I was all gungho about him, it would have been incredibly stupid to spend a couple more weeks trying to meet up face to face in order to tell him to keep doing what he was already doing.

[wordsmith]

worst breakup ever took place while driving around in a car aimlessly during a snowstorm.

[Cole]

I'm almost always the dumpee. I hate hurting people, and often keep sticking it out thinking "things will get better" or being afraid that I'll regret it. After allowing this to keep me in one very unhealthy relationship, I've resolved never to do that again.

I've ended exactly two relationships. The very first one, freshman year of high school. I got a crush on a senior guy who liked me, too, and broke up with my bf to date this guy. It was a serious upgrade. I felt bad about it, but he ended up marrying the girl he dated right after me.

The other was the seriously unhealthy 2-year long college relationship. I had tried to leave him several times - did the breakup and get back together thing, then I moved out of state hoping that would make a "natural transition" out of the relationship, but got sucked into staying together long-distance.

What finally convinced me to do it exactly 361 days ago was he called me one night, while I was driving to Milwaukee in a snowstorm. I had poor reception and really needed to have both hands on the steering wheel, not to mention all of my attention on the road. I told him this and we hung up. 10 minutes later he called again, angry, saying he felt "blown off." Now there were lots of reasons that relationship needed to end, and the next day when I called him back he started talking about coming down for Christmas and then spending New Years with his family. I didn't want to see him at all, and told him not to come, and that I would be spending NYE in Chicago. He finally said "is there something you need to tell me?" and I ended it right there on the phone.

He hated me for the phone dump, especially after 2 years, but it was the only way I could do it. In person he always managed to talk me out of it.

I'll be celebrating "a year of freedom" on Sunday! :)

[tina1979]

I "dumped" one guy because he went to the military (well not because he went to the military), he sent me a letter saying that he was being discharged and instead of coming home he was moving to colorado and didn't know when he would come back home. I didn't really dump him, I just sorta started seeing another guy. There was nothing I could do about the military guy, I had no phone number or address for him. What was I gonna do sit around and wait for him to show up? (he did end up coming home about a month later)

I dumped another guy I was dating (which the guy in the above story introduced me to) because I thought I was head over heels in love with my best friend's oldest brother (even though I knew I didn't have a shot in hell with him. I was a freak and he was a cowboy, go figure!) anyway it didn't help that he (my bf) was into drugs (I wasn't ) and he would hold a job that was just enough to pay for his drugs and cigs, sometimes. We sat in my car and I told him how I felt about this other guy and how I didn't think it was fair to him for me to stay with him with feelings that intense for another guy.

Another guy because he cheated on me, then wouldn't even admit to it. I think we could have worked it out if he'd been man enough to admit what he had done. (Sucks I still think about him for some reason and that was 10 years ago)

The most recent break up was a long time coming. Hundreds of reasons, not limited to asshole, addicted to porn, patronizing, spent money like we had it, and various other reasons.... I was walking upstairs to go to bed one night, he was sitting on the couch, he said he thought we needed marriage consueling. I asked him why, he said becsause we can't get along. I pretty much told him to shove it. I had offered marriage consueling a million times over a couple years and he always denied having us having problems. I told him it was too late now. I had gotten to the point that I didn't have a feeling left for him. I didn't hate him, I didn't love him. I had absolutely no emotions left for him anymore. I moved out a month later. That night before I he came home I had prayed to God to help me figure out how to call it off with my husband because I couldn't take it anymore. I'm not a hugely religious person so that was a big deal for me. When Mike gave me that openeing (although I am sure I was supposed to take that instead of say hell no) I took it and ran with it.

[meatwad]

As far as I'm concerned, I've never dumped/broken up w/ anyone. My ex has a different stance though. After I didn't hear from him for a month or so (the alleged dirt bike accident and out of comission w/ supposedly no one who could contact me :mad: ), I basically wrote him a letter saying have a nice life dumbass. While I was in Cancun, he called to explain. We dragged out talking for another 2-3 months, only getting together once and now I haven't heard from him in 3 weeks. I'm not holding my breath, and i know i'm better off....

There there coll. It'll be ok. You've got my number if you ever need a bootycall. I'M there for YOU. :D

[coll214]

There there coll. It'll be ok. You've got my number if you ever need a bootycall. I'M there for YOU. :D
LOL, i'll keep that in mind :rolleyes:

[meatwad]

LOL, i'll keep that in mind :rolleyes:

Somehow I have a hard time believing you. :eek: :cool:

[alicat5352]

I think your question is a great one and the answer is that it should always be done in person. I think the only exceptions are if the perosn you are breaking up might be a threat to you physically.

I have broken up with several BFs, in fact I have never had a guy break up with me. My first boyfriend I broek up with because I didn't love him the same way he loved me - that was really hard, but I am so glad that i did it in person.

The second boyfriend was actually my fiance, and he had been cheating on me for a year and a half - so when I foudn out I threw the ring at him and then I threw his stereo at him - and I hit him good too. That relationship ended with us screamign and yelling in the streets of SF.

My other relationships have all been mutual breakups with no official "breakup talk." But what I have learned is do it in person. Definetely don't try the friends thing right away. That never works out.

[wordsmith]

I DO think it's really candyass to not do it in person. Coward's way out. For either gender. Even driving around in a car in a snowstorm boy had the balls to go face to face.

[Winter Storm]

I DO think it's really candyass to not do it in person. Coward's way out. For either gender. Even driving around in a car in a snowstorm boy had the balls to go face to face.

When I broke up with my ex, I wrote him a 2-page letter and left it on his door. I chose to do it that way because we'd recently had a heart-to-heart talk a few days prior and later I realized how he manipulated the whole conversation to make me feel like I had done wrong. I didn't get to say the things I wanted and he turned things around on me. I decided I couldn't face him 1) because I was too broken up about it and could barely get the words out my mouth, 2) I was afraid I wouldn't get to say all I wanted and lastly, I was afraid I'd chicken out and beg him to work it out with me.

It was best that I didn't see him and besides the nasty confrontation weeks later, we never spoke or saw each other again. I'm still glad I did it that way.

[Cole]

In general, yes, it's best to do it in person. In my case, I couldn't. He wasn't physically abusive, but he was emotionally abusive.

That and there's no way in hell I was driving 5 + hours just to dump someone.

Which brings up the other circumstance: if it's really long distance. I once drove 9 hours to visit a long-distance bf, and he broke up with me within 10 minutes of my arrival. It was like, "oh, okay. Guess I'll just turn around and drive the 9 hours back home." I definitely would've taken a breakup over the phone or even in a letter over 18 hours of wasted time driving.

[Deadend]

I think that anybody who gets dumped at least deserves some kind of penance. Regardless of the specifics of the situation.

Winter Storm, I like what you did because at least that way it did constitute physical effort. Hand delivering is at least a whole lot more than a phone call or email.

However I don't think that you can just say "but s/he'll manipulate me". I think you do have to shoulder some responsibility for when you are manipulated. If you need to do what you need to do you can make up your mind, and go over and do it, you can always refuse to come in the door.

[wordsmith]

In general, yes, it's best to do it in person. In my case, I couldn't. He wasn't physically abusive, but he was emotionally abusive.

That and there's no way in hell I was driving 5 + hours just to dump someone.

Which brings up the other circumstance: if it's really long distance. I once drove 9 hours to visit a long-distance bf, and he broke up with me within 10 minutes of my arrival. It was like, "oh, okay. Guess I'll just turn around and drive the 9 hours back home." I definitely would've taken a breakup over the phone or even in a letter over 18 hours of wasted time driving.

A long distance breakup DOES make more sense if it's a long-distance relationship, I guess. Although I thought it was a crock that got dumped via letter by my boyfriend when I was a senior in college, after he'd moved to Seattle (halfway across the country) following his graduation. But the kicker was that I'd been out to visit him the week previous...I don't know how you could spend a week with somebody and just clam up about that. It would have been the time for a face-to-face. It was way more hurtful to go spend time with him, have a romantic getaway, think everything was cool, and then get back home and get a letter. Talk about friggin' blindsided.

[wordsmith]

Hand delivering is at least a whole lot more than a phone call or email.

Hah, or ON AN ANSWERING MACHINE OR VOICEMAIL. I got dumped on my answering machine, once. I was so repulsed I couldn't even really be that hurt! I kept the message on my machine for months, too, to remind me that NO, I did NOT want to get back together with him (he was the type to come back around).

Geez, I've been dumped face to face, via letter, via phone message, via phone conversation, via e-mail, via the non-break-up, i.e. the silent drifting apart with nothing said... I guess there's not much else left, besides being abandoned at the altar, which, given my track record, I wouldn't rule out.
:(

[Winter Storm]

Winter Storm, I like what you did because at least that way it did constitute physical effort. Hand delivering is at least a whole lot more than a phone call or email.

However I don't think that you can just say "but s/he'll manipulate me". I think you do have to shoulder some responsibility for when you are manipulated. If you need to do what you need to do you can make up your mind, and go over and do it, you can always refuse to come in the door.

Not quite sure what you're saying but in my situation, I didn't even realize I'd been manipulated until I got home later and thought about it. Also, when you are that emotionally attached to someone, you don't always see what you're walking into. Sometimes you are blinded by what you want and not what you need.

[Deadend]

You dont know what a fucking prick he was.

Of course I don't. But we can always find a way to justify our actions with the actions of others, so I stand by my point. I don't care if the person somebody is breaking up with is Hitler himself, on principle alone, some kind of penance should be paid. That's not to say that they nessisarily deserve 10 hours in the car like would have been required in Cole's case if she were to break up with that guy in person, but something irregardless of who they are.

If you did it in person irregardless of the difficulties, well then, all the better for you.

[shimmer728]

A long distance breakup DOES make more sense if it's a long-distance relationship, I guess. Although I thought it was a crock that got dumped via letter by my boyfriend when I was a senior in college, after he'd moved to Seattle (halfway across the country) following his graduation. But the kicker was that I'd been out to visit him the week previous...I don't know how you could spend a week with somebody and just clam up about that. It would have been the time for a face-to-face. It was way more hurtful to go spend time with him, have a romantic getaway, think everything was cool, and then get back home and get a letter. Talk about friggin' blindsided.

I don't know if this will necessarily make you feel better, but he probably was planning to do it in person and choked.

[Deadend]

ummm I dont think so. I think what I did was right and if anyone thinks I am a bitch for going that route. Well that has always been my middle name.

No, that is how the process of rationalization works. And if you're going to excuse yourself with "well I'm just a bitch". Then you can't really fault him for being a prick.

[wordsmith]

I don't know if this will necessarily make you feel better, but he probably was planning to do it in person and choked.

Yeah, I kind of figured that after the smoke cleared, he was pretty much a pussy, to put it bluntly. Didn't make me hate his ass any the less, though. He's the only person I've been with towards whom I harbored major ill will after the fact. Also the only person I've ever cut off completely without a backward glance. I ran into him several times after the fact, at weddings and graduations of mutual acquaintances, mostly...he actually tried to sit by me at one wedding. I have him the hollow-eyed "you are dead to me" look and ignored.

[Deadend]

look bud- you dont know me, you dont know him, you dont know what kind of hell I went through and if you cant be supportive thats great but I dont think you should judge me either okay?

As another matter of principle.... I'll judge whatever the fuck I want.

But irregardless, as a matter of fact, and I cannot underline this enough I was NOT trying to say you did this in a bad way. I really don't think I know enough to make that kind of judgement. You're quite right on that.

I was, however, trying to say what kind rationalizations I think are bullshit. "S/he was bad enough that I am relieved of my moral duties". No, I don't think that washes.

But please, go on, this hyperdefensiveness is so convincing....... that you geel guilty. Please don't. It seems I was talking of a situation that didn't even actually apply to you. Ironcially enough.

[Chameleon]

In my case, it seemed a little melodramatic to stalk the guy by going to one of his gigs then try to break up with him during a band break (since short of an act from god or a bill needing to be paid I knew I'd never see him again). I called because I wanted closure. The probability of never hearing from him again wasn't significantly changed by my making that call. I'm sorry your voicemail guy hurt you, wordsmith, however I doubt if my dude gave it a second thought, he's probably played the message to his friends while laughing his ass off.

I guess if you want to maintain a civil relationship after the breakup, face to face is "best". But sometimes, it's not worth the emotional toll on the dumper, sometimes it's not physically possible, sometimes the dumpee doesn't deserve that gesture and sometimes the dumper is a cowardless shit but I don't think there is way you can say "If you don't do this, there is MUST be something wrong with you".

[wordsmith]

he's probably played the message to his friends while laughing his ass off.

Oh, don't think I didn't do this with MY friends, hurt by it or not. Dude was a loser.

[Deadend]

Well I don't know about anyone in specific cases in this particular internet thread, but the only case I specifically addressed was W.S's who talked about a not face-to-face case and whom I praised.

I'm not trying to make gross generalizations here like "Thou shalt break up face to face". But ya, I think words is right, very often it's candy ass. I've been there as both dumper and dumpee and I'd readily call both situations candy ass.

I think that if you're going to break someone's heart you should at least demonstrate somehow that it's not easy. That's the only point I was trying to make. I wasn't looking to condemn anybody.

[wordsmith]

I think that if you're going to break someone's heart you should at least demonstrate somehow that it's not easy. That's the only point I was trying to make. I wasn't looking to condemn anybody.

I think this is fair. And, let's be honest. Even if it's TOTALLY easy for you to be the dumper, it's more gentle, kind, and just all around better form to not be so blatant about that fact. Even feigning sensitivity is better than nothing.

[Deadend]

And I'm not even talking about sensitivity. In my books, even a lack of complete and utter sloth garners an "acceptable".

[wordsmith]

You should know by now. I'm ALWAYS talking about sensitivity.

[Franti]

-My relationship life has been interesting to say the least with passionate encounters that never seem to last. I've been dumped a lot, and dumped girls a lot for a variety of reasons. I've done everything from not calling them anymore to the "It's not you it's me" quote what a load of shit. Then I finally grew up and the last girl I dumped I had her over to dinner and told her I really liked her as a friend and that I no longer wanted to date her. It went great she was smart and had already kind of figured that out, and it felt good to be a man and say my true feelings. We stayed friends until I moved away 6 months later. Since then I've been dumped like 3 times in a row I need to change that around! :p
Anyway there's my two pennies.

Franti

[shaken25]

I've dumped one seriouse girlfriend. Tried to do it in person over the course of many months through thinly veiled "talks". didn't work. finally did it in one clean cut over the phone. either way is very, very difficult.