Is there hope or is it over?

[GoodGirl77]

It's been about 4 months since my bf professed his love for me. He seemed like a real gem. We were going along, enjoying the times we spent together, until he began doing some insensitive things. As well, we work in the same bldg and he has made sure to keep our relationship a secret at work. I had decided that I was going to wait till after the holidays to talk to him about how hurtful he could be at times and how I felt like such a secret. Well, last Saturday, he asked me if I wanted to go to his office holiday party, which would mean our relationship would be exposed. On our way, he got mad at me over nothing and we ended up sitting in the car a block away from the party for two hours and he told me everything he didn't like about me and I followed with what bothered me about him ( this is not something I wanted to do around the holidays ) . He said we both had alot to think about. We drove back to his apt, watched the news ( I found the whole evening bizarre) and he walked me to my car and kissed me passionately. That Monday, he brought a tray of desserts to my desk. Was that a token of peace?

Now, I'm not one to give up on a relationship without trying to work on things first if both parties are willing. I've always thought that people often focus on the faults they find with the other person and forget about what attracted them to begin with. I honestly feel we have a foundation that just needs some work. Earlier that evening, we had firmed up our New Year's plans and I had changed my flight ( paid several hundred) to come back here to be with him on New Years. He is throwing me so many mixed signals - the kiss after the argument, I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I should contact him or not. I won't see him at work again - he's off till next yr. I haven't spoken to him since Wed. when I saw him in the hall and just said hi.

[ScottyTheBody]

It's been about 4 months since my bf professed his love for me. He seemed like a real gem. We were going along, enjoying the times we spent together, until he began doing some insensitive things. As well, we work in the same bldg and he has made sure to keep our relationship a secret at work. I had decided that I was going to wait till after the holidays to talk to him about how hurtful he could be at times and how I felt like such a secret. Well, last Saturday, he asked me if I wanted to go to his office holiday party, which would mean our relationship would be exposed. On our way, he got mad at me over nothing and we ended up sitting in the car a block away from the party for two hours and he told me everything he didn't like about me and I followed with what bothered me about him ( this is not something I wanted to do around the holidays ) . He said we both had alot to think about. We drove back to his apt, watched the news ( I found the whole evening bizarre) and he walked me to my car and kissed me passionately. That Monday, he brought a tray of desserts to my desk. Was that a token of peace?

Now, I'm not one to give up on a relationship without trying to work on things first if both parties are willing. I've always thought that people often focus on the faults they find with the other person and forget about what attracted them to begin with. I honestly feel we have a foundation that just needs some work. Earlier that evening, we had firmed up our New Year's plans and I had changed my flight ( paid several hundred) to come back here to be with him on New Years. He is throwing me so many mixed signals - the kiss after the argument, I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I should contact him or not. I won't see him at work again - he's off till next yr. I haven't spoken to him since Wed. when I saw him in the hall and just said hi.

Personally, I think everything is alright (but I'm not in the relationship so I could be wrong). It sounds you both had some problems with one another, discussed them and now its over. The problem arises if these problems are NEVER discussed and suppressed. It sounds like he has forgiven you, but the question still remains, have you forgiven him? If you haven't then something is wrong.

To be quite honest though, you should tell him this. Ask him are we ok? You throw so many mixed signals, I don't know how you feel about this relationship? Most guys don't try to send mixed signals, they are usually direct and most wish to be treated directly.

Btw I think you should contact him.

[Deavan]

Tough call since I dont know you or your SO...for me personally though I don't like to play games and it just seems as if he is playing games with you, may I ask why he is off until "Next Year" do you mean like January or like a full year? Either way you need to talk to him and get some clarification on his mixed signals. Then based on whatever his reasoning might be you need to decide if you can accept that and or live with it...

[winneythepooh7]

Based on your past threads about him, I think your boyfriend has a lot of issues and is not the one, like I've said and others have indicated in the past. Make it your New Years resolution to move on, take some time out for yourself and do not get involved with anyone for awhile.

[WeirdBrake]

I agree with winney. There is something majorly wrong here. Why is he keeping the relationship a secret? And then it seems like he picked a fight with you so as to avoid taking you to the office party (and exposing your relationship). This is bizarre in a very bad way.

Think of intuition as being one step ahead of the rational mind. The intuition draws the conclusion and makes you feel it emotionally. The rational mind helps you figure out WHY you drew the conclusion.

Your intuition is telling you that something just doesn't feel right about all this. Your rational mind is saying, "People don't keep relationships a secret unless they have a reason to keep it a secret. And if there is a reason, then there's also a reason he's not being clear about it with me."

[Chameleon]

This is the same guy that kicked you at of his place at 3am? Did you find out why he did that?

When you first mentioned keeping the relationshipship a secret, I assumed that it was something to do with the company policy on dating co-workers but since it's not... Don't you think that's really strange? Especially since you've been dating for months now?

Then sitting hostage in a car for 2 hours and being read a list of what's wrong with you? And not going to the party? Have you met any of his friends?

[shimmer728]

This all sounds shady. Kick him to the curb. You deserve better.

[blueyes]

Decidedly shady - and wasn't this Mr. Outta-My-Place-@-3am?!

Take a deep breath and walk away.

[GoodGirl77]

This is the same guy that kicked you at of his place at 3am? Did you find out why he did that?

When you first mentioned keeping the relationshipship a secret, I assumed that it was something to do with the company policy on dating co-workers but since it's not... Don't you think that's really strange? Especially since you've been dating for months now?

Then sitting hostage in a car for 2 hours and being read a list of what's wrong with you? And not going to the party? Have you met any of his friends?


We talked about the 3am drop off. He said he didn't think me staying over was an option and by the time I told him it was, he already had his coat on and was ready to take me home.

As for the secrecy of our relationship, here's his reasoning: If his supervisor ever found a discrepancy with his work, he didn't want anyone to be able to say 'you don't have your mind on your work. you're thinking about the girl down the hall.' That was his explanation.

As for the friends, he only has a few and I have met them. Friend relationships don't seem to be a priority for him. He's close with his family, but that's about it.

[Angyl]

As for the secrecy of our relationship, here's his reasoning: If his supervisor ever found a discrepancy with his work, he didn't want anyone to be able to say 'you don't have your mind on your work. you're thinking about the girl down the hall.' That was his explanation.



i'm sorry, but that's a lame reason. it's not like you aren't allowed to have a romantic life if your'e working. jeez.

[bridgetjones]

You know what? I can understand the not wanting to appear to be "shitting where you are eating". Then again I would not date someone at work if I can help it but hey life happens so never say never. If that is the only case, then why not say that directly?! You both go separately and then like meet up later.

Kicking you out at 3 am? That is weird. I do not know the whole story but my intuition tells me that is a sign of hiding something. Did he give you a more detailed reason? That one sounds fishy to me.

[winneythepooh7]

You keep making excuses for HIS bad behavior. No one deserves to be kept in the dark and played with as much as this. It is just going to get worse if you don't get out now. Then it won't be his fault, but yours for staying with him ;).

[and1grad]

I think it would be stupid to go broadcasting your relationship at work. There is NO positive that would come from it.

[Winter Storm]

We talked about the 3am drop off. He said he didn't think me staying over was an option and by the time I told him it was, he already had his coat on and was ready to take me home.


If you were still there at 3am, then you already did stay over. I didn't realize we were talking about the 'dropoff' guy. There is definitely something awry here. I would keep all eyes open at this point.

[bridgetjones]

And1 that is true. I just disagree with his approach of being like lets go together and then throwing a fit that prevents them being "outted". Sorry man, that is just well jerking her around and not being man enough to be straight about it. Move on to greener pastures honey...

[and1grad]

I'd agree that something is up but I really cant take a woman saying a man isnt "being man enough" seriously. No offense.

[bridgetjones]

I'd agree that something is up but I really cant take a woman saying a man isnt "being man enough" seriously. No offense.

Hmm... Yeah that is sexist. Cojones are a psychological phenomenon not just a physical one. Plus I have some issues with both sexes not having enough of them to just be straight about certain things or owning up to mistakes when it is needed.

In this case, this particular man not being straight about this not being outted issue is cowardice. Then again I am not there.... It would piss me off.

[and1grad]

Actually its not sexist.

[wordsmith]

Your boyfriend is keeping secrets. If you're fine with being in the dark about shady goings on, with having your relationship kept hidden, etc. by all means, keep dating him.

[lorion11]

We talked about the 3am drop off. He said he didn't think me staying over was an option and by the time I told him it was, he already had his coat on and was ready to take me home.

Did he ever explain the phone call? But haven't you slept over at his place before? What was the big deal about your sleeping over. I just don't get it.

[Winter Storm]

You know I hate to keep saying this, but I honestly feel that if there are many red flags very early on, then chances are good that it has no long-term potential.

[depressed1983]

There are so many men out in the world who are jerks. Some know they're jerks and others think their angels when in reality they're jerks.

You need to determine just how much jerk you want to put up with.

If he's this way after 4 months, just think what he'll be like after a year or more.

I know that you have a strong desire to make the relationship work, but if he's already acting like this, it's best to end it now before you get even more attached/involved.

You need a guy who respects you enough to not hide your relationship from other people. Why does he not want others to know? Because he is embaressed of you? If that's the case, then he needs some serious help, and you need a guy to treat you a whole lot better.

You'll find someone better... get rid of this S.O.B. :)

[winneythepooh7]

I also feel that the longer we spend trying to fix someone who is unfixable, the more time goes by that we waste not being with someone who could be the one for us ;).