How To Get Over Someone - Incredibly Messy

[Chris_UK]

A bit of advice would be appreciated here.

I met a girl about a year ago, sister of a guy I play soccer with, just hung out as friends, then after a few weeks we got it on. kinda decided we would be best as mates, as it was more a regular drunken thing. This went on, we'd have occassion where we'd wake up in bed together, but would just leave it at that. by this stage, she was firmly in the "friend" camp, and as she didn't have many other friends she basically got hooked up with all my friends.

this was fine, we'd all go out at weekends etc. and have fun, and i pretty much considered her a friend. then one day in september she came round my house, and i was like "shit, i'm in love with this girl".

so i tried to ignore it, but around that time we were spending a lot of time together and i couldn't fight it. so anyways for about a month i was seriously love sick, was waking up at something stupid like 4.07am every single day for about 2 hrs, thinking about her. this started to scare me a bit.

then we went out again and got really drunk, and ended up in bed again. so deciding i needed some closure on this i took her to one side a few weeks later and basically said "i really like you, i need to know where i stand".

she said that she didn't feel the same, so that was it in my book.
she didn't help things by calling all our friends up saying "guess what's he's said !!!" we were all drunk, but that hurt. not one to hold a grudge though (!)... so

i was gutted but decided at least i knew and could move on. but for some reason i can't. for about a month after i asked her i "avoided" her, not so much total avoidance but i would only reply briefly to her e-mails, and never inititate them. same with sms and calls.

i made alternative weekend plans for about the following 4 weekends afterwards, after this i felt fine, wasn't thinking about her and was ready to take on the world.

so i met up with her and my friends again, and it was OK at first, we made some in-jokes about what had gone on, but we seemed to be sniping at each other over stupid stuff, like we didn't want to let the other one get one over.

this went on for a few weeks, and worried that i was about to be portrayed as the bad guy by our friends for being mean to her, i had a chat with her and said basically "i really LIKED you, and sorry i've been a bit of a dick, but i'm over it now, let's be friends" a bit of a lie, as I wasn't over her.

She then delivered the killer, kick to the kidneys line, "you're a nice guy, but hardly boyfriend material, but let's stay friends". so i thought, i could do that.

but now every time i see her it all comes back. the problem is that since we share the same friends i feel like i'm the one who needs to hang back. with xmas coming up and everything it's really getting to me, i'm getting pretty bitter thinking stuff like "stop hanging out with MY friends, you only know them cos of me". i find i'm deliberately spending less and less time with the people i adore, almost to prove a point.

basically it's making my life really lonely, on the fact that i got knocked back, and also that i feel alienated from my friends. added to the fact that i still really like this girl, despite everything, it's hell.

i'm getting worried in case i'm blowing this all out of proportion and find myself buidling an alter to her in my closet or something, while i sit round in my mom's old dress, or something equal mental in a month or two.

anyone got any advice, short of "get some new friends", which i'm already trying to do to sort the rest of my life out (see my other posts).

[Deadend]

You know, this kind of reminds me of high school (not the worse part of high school, not trying to belitte). I don't know how it is in the UK, but high school for me was mostly hopping between rather insestious "cliques" which would be 10-15 good friends that went to the same parties, which would date amongst themselves. Thing is a major breakup and one party of the other would get "custody of the friends". Found myself in that situation in my senior year. Wound up making basically all new friends.

Ok, I know that doesn't help much, but seriously, it just reminds me of a "custody battle".

Alright, so I have nothing good to say. But I gotta say, this chick doens't really sound to likeable (and ya, I know that doesn't help if you do like her). Who says somthing like that? "not boyfriend material". How did you respond? What possible response could there be to "why's that?" that would not warrent a good "fuck you"?

[crystal_dance]

hah! funny thing chris. I was in a similar situation with my ex girlfriend a couple of months ago. Chicks can be real nasty man. I did the whole "custody of friends" thing too (her idea) which is total bollocks the way i see it.

hmmm. they always wanna one up on you. bad memories.

Takes time to heal. It's been 6 months and I still feel a little sore. Focus on getting the other parts of life sorted and keep it real I guess.

[Chameleon]

I'm sorry you are going through this, Chris. Not "boyfriend material"?!? That is beyond rude :mad:

Perhaps there are people in the group you can talk to and maybe arrange smaller get-togethers that don't include her? You should try your best to stay away from her, perhaps tell her that you need to stop contacting her for a while and don't reply to her emails or IMs for a month or two.

If there's a hobby that you've been putting off for a while, this is a good time to totally immerse yourself in it. I hope this doesn't come across as preachy, but it sounds you are trying to live more deliberately - it might be a good idea to cut down on activities that aren't condusive to taking responsibility for your actions and holding others accountable for theirs.

[Chris_UK]

Deadend - Yeah, it is incredibly high school, that's why the whole thing has taken me totally on the wrong foot. Incestious is also a damn good word for the situation.

As goes any "custody battle", my take on the matter is that any of these people who are my real friends won't let me stay "out in the cold" by myself for too long, plus they're all intelligent people, so i think they've got a good idea of what's going on. Maybe that's just another example of me making a martyr of myself, the other day on the phone my mam told me to "stop putting yourself out and in uncomfortable situations, just to prove a point". this was in response to me telling her i was thinking of going travelling for a year because i was bored of my job / life / social scene. but i don't know if there's something in it.

How did i respond ? Well i'm probably the quickest and wittiest person i know, but this caught me right in the balls, i made my excuses and i walked off. and the next day when i'd thought of some stuff i'd like to have said i decided to just raise above it. so basically i just chickened out, cos i didn't want to be seen as the bad guy again.

Crystal_Dance - yeah exactly, i feel like i'm too old to start that stuff up. and to be fair it has given me the push, and the time, to look at, and sort out, other areas of my life.

Chameleon - I've tried to arrange stuff without her, but she always hears about it from other people and turns up. i don't really want to end every invite to my friends with "but don't invite HER" as that seems very petty. Well once xmas is out the way i'm hopefully moving to a new house about 5 miles away, so that will be halfway to a clean start. Could you just clarify your last sentence please, as it seems quite interesting, but i didn't quite understand it.

Thanks,

C_UK

It's amazing how small you can feel being the bigger man.

[Chameleon]

Re: accountability: you seem to be blaming most of this on the fact that both of you were drunk not the more probable conjecture that she's really insecure and honestly, cruel. You don't stump on a guy's heart then blab about it to your MUTUAL friends (and the guy's friends first at that), drunk or not! And the "hardly boyfriend material" line still pisses me off every time I read it. How could she possibly say that to someone she supposedly wants to stay friends with?

What I was trying to say was you should get into more situations where you can tell that someone is being an asshole without being able to blame it on alchohol.

i don't really want to end every invite to my friends with "but don't invite HER" as that seems very petty.

I guess you are going to have to be "very petty" or you can come clean to her and tell her that you still need your space. However, do you think she'll respect your wishes after you talk to her? The fact that she's always around and the things she's said to you, drunk or not, makes it seem like she has SERIOUS boundary issues and very little respect for you. Seriously, if there are friends that you can confide in about how hurt you still are, they should understand that you don't want to be around her and if they can't, you do need some new friends, stat.

The move should be good for you. Good luck.

[Chris1981]

Chris -- what's up man? I feel for you. That chick was so mean. I can't believe she said what she said to you. You were nothing but sweet to her and it sounded like she just kicked you while you were vulnerable.

Gotta stay positive and see the learning lesson. Separate friends and lovers. A lot of my good friends don't know each other that well, and don't communicate unless through me. It's just like friendship/relationship insurance. Very important to not become friends with your girlfriend's friends too. But that's all learning for the future, to save your ass now, here's what to do... just like you said, the friends who are your real friends won't let you stay out in the cold. Be honest with everyone and let those who are willing to listen know that you liked that girl a lot, and you feel really hurt over what she said to you. So you're going to separate from the group and things are different now. Do your own thing and try to meet new peeps through sports (but not Rugby I don't know how you crazy brits play that dangerous sport) or clubs, and make new friends. The old friends to keep are the ones who feel your pain and admire you for your ability to make things work out. Forget the ones who let you walk away without caring. And always remember, this is the girl's fault, you're a great guy.

C

[bridgetjones]

Hi Chris. I guess you might want a womans opinion. Hmm... Man that is cold and insensitive of her! Why she would do such a thing? Beats me ego gratification... :confused: Some girls are just bitchy. Dump her as a friend!

I do not think you are out of line to disinvite her or that your pals should understand that she is not to be dragged along. Your real pals would understand this and not even bring it up in conversation. I guess you shall see who those ppl are in a bit. Happy holidays!

[3point1four]

I've been "not boyfriend material" about 3 times this year. It fucking SUCKS! I know that feeling too well. It's like you just got punched in the gut and can't take a breath for a few seconds before you have to reply with something when you know for a fact there's nothing you can say.

This chick sounds like grade A garbage if you ask me. I know it sucks to cut someone off, but you have to. I had to do it 3 times this year with 1 being much harder than the other 2 but regardless, you have to just stop seeing her. Everytime you hang out with her it will make you feel worse because she'll be talking to guys she thinks ARE boyfriend material and you'll start comparing yourself and bla bla bla

If they are your friends, they will hang out with you. If they are your friends they will listen to you if you tell them what you have been through and understand. They can't read minds and never assume they get it. You have to spell it out and let them know that you're uncomfortable around her because of what went down, but you dont' want anything bad for her, just to spend some time apart to let things cool off

[Chris_UK]

First of all, thanks for the further comments, which i've definitely taken on-board, and seasons greetings to everyone, back at work today for one day, the off again for another five for New Years. Which is nice.

So the latest episode in the soap opera that is my life, went out to a bar on Xmas Eve, just planning on having a few beers with my friends, The Girl previously discussed was elsewhere apparently, so i'm thinking nice one, see some friendly faces, no hassle.

Head to another pub and it's like a block party, absolutely heaving with people, and the good thing was that i knew just about everyone in there, people i went to schoool with, people i used to work with, guys i play football with. so, unfortunately, the drinks started flowing, and i was getting pretty drunk.

so anyways i'm chatting with my friends sister when The Girl comes over, cos she's friends with the girl i was talking to, my heart kind of jumped, but i was civil, smiled and gave her a "hi, what's going on" kind of conversation. she gave me some brush-off line. i thought "no sweat" and made my excuses and left.

so i basically i worked the room all night, diving into more and more conversations with all the other people i know, they're all buying me more and more drinks, nothing i can't handle. got chatting with a girl who knows my cousin, got on pretty well. don't think i've laughed as much as i did on saturday night in a long while.

The night, from what i can remember, ended with me getting about 20 people in a rousing medley of christmas songs. was i horse on christmas morning. can't really remember much after that, left, got outside, cold air hit me and the memory loss has kicked in.

xmas day was good, a glass of champagne and turkey dinner and i was fine. spent it with my family.

boxing day i was kinda bored so thought i'd hook up with some people in a bar after seeing other family all day. get there and it's Happy Xmas handshakes all round, then The Girl turns up, giving out kisses to all the guys, gets to me and says "a handshake will do for you, you had your share on xmas eve" winks, then walks off.

so i'm "WTF ?" so i ask my friend about it, and he's "you can't remember ?!!". so the story is that i get outside on xmas eve, and The Girl comes up to me and asks me to walk her home cos she lives quite near my place. so we get to her house and see gives me a "friendly" xmas kiss, which developed into a little more than that (in the street ffs !) and basically she wanted me to go into her place. her friends who kind of know the score tried to talk her out of it, and apparently i was like "i'd love to, but we know this is stupid...." from what i've been told she had to be dragged off me (Go me !). i then left and went home.

so this comes as a complete head fuck on boxing day, i was actually laughing at how fucked up this is at one point. not that i'm particulary proud of it, as it just illustrates how little responsibility i'm taking for my actions. so basically i spent boxing day night watching her flirt with my mates, and blank me.

i left for home about 12am, got in, slept for 2 hrs, then woke up and was awake for 4 hrs, mind going crazy, drifted for about another hour, then got up about 8ish and went for a long walk in the snow. bout 4 miles in i bumped into my best friends mum and dad, and walked with them back to their place for a coffee and bacon sandwich.

his mum basically came out with "you're not doing so good are you ?", i asked her what she meant, and i think my friend must have mentioned some stuff to her, and she'd kind of worked it out for herself. so we had a good chat and a lot of stuff has kind of fallen into place for me.

she basically said i need to move if only for a change of scene, even if it is only 5 miles down the motorway. she also raised the point that i need to distinguish between friends and lovers, which is probably where i've been going wrong in recent months. she also told me i need to expand my horizons, and maybe look into jacking in my job and going travelling if it gets me down. i don't know about the last part, but the other things really hit home. no offence, but it makes a real difference when a person you know and respect gives you a perspective, as opposed to people i've never met. think i'm pretty lucky to have had this conversation.

so anyways, i'm off to the realtors about this apartment at lunchtime, if i can make it out in the snow !

Chamelon - you were spot on about "What I was trying to say was you should get into more situations where you can tell that someone is being an asshole without being able to blame it on alchohol." - Just a shame it's taken me 5 or 6 incidents to realise this.

Chris1981 - you've pretty much said everything i've summarised above. i'm postive for the future, i know every day is a new life opportunity etc. but 2006 is gonna be a new start for me.

bridgetjones and 3.14 - yeah, the cut off is gonna be hard, but i think it's what i've got to do. i especially understand the bit about comparing myself to other guys, that's whats probably at the crux of it.

sorry if this has been a bit of a rant, but hopefully this is the end of it, i'm actually laughing as i type some of this, once it's laid out factually.

oh yeah, and chris1981, my rugby days are long behind me, twisting two knees at 14 y/o kind of puts you off some sports i find....

[Deadend]

I gotta say, it's hard to be too impressed with "the girl", she sounds throughougly unlikeable.

Actually, she sounds like she's using your for sex. Ever heard the song "Self Esteem" by the Offspring? I think the song's supposed to be a joke.. and yet.... there you are.

But I think you know yourself that she's nothing but bad news. Your posts seem to be structured like the following madlib:

"[she] saw me again [at a time]. She's so [euphaism for great] and [attractive or otherwise]. But other the course of the evening she [something slutty] and [some kind of rejection], but then she [some kind of sexual advance] but later [some kind of sexual advance on a mate]."

But hey, we all know. Doesn't matter how bad news they are, the heart and the brian and the dink sometimes just don't agree. And it's not a matter of telling someone to do the right thing, or that they're dum if they don't. They know the right thing, sometimes it just hurts.

[Chris_UK]

"[she] saw me again [at a time]. She's so [euphaism for great] and [attractive or otherwise]. But other the course of the evening she [something slutty] and [some kind of rejection], but then she [some kind of sexual advance] but later [some kind of sexual advance on a mate]."



lol, yeah, when i read it back, you're right. can i just keep this as a pro-forma and update it with the details as and when something happens ?

not that i'll be updating it again, as nothing else is going to happen. ahem.

[Chris_UK]

Bit of a rant here for which i apologise, but i've been up pretty much 36 hours straight and need to let some stuff out before i've got any chance of getting any sleep.

Right, so i thought about 2 weeks ago I'd post an update on how i'm getting on, at that point everything was looking pretty good, i'd moved, had a kinda new social scene, been on a couple of fresh dates, so pretty good there.

had been training at the gym and i'm in the best shape of my life, about to run a marathon in april, had raised over £1k for a kid's hospice as part of the marathon.

weather was also getting better, so sorts out some of the SAD that my doc reckons i've got.

more importantly i hadn't seen the girl this thread is dedicated to after telling her to "go fuck herself" after she recanted round a dinner table of 12 of my friends how, on a weekend trip to Berlin in early Jan, she'd had a dream that me and her were in bed together, and she'd woke up screaming in the horror.

she reckons it was just a joke and that i over-reacted, but two of my friends actually applauded as i left the restaurant, and told me they'd wanted me to call her out on some stuff for months. hit a bar, ended up in a penthouse of a hotel with 13 scottish girls on a bacherlette party, up all night, 9am flight home to avoid her. but to honest that's another story.

so i hadn't seen this girl, or contacted her for about 5 weeks, was completelty over her and was liking life.

so then on tuesday i'm kicking a few emails round my mates trying to get another weekend away sorted (to kinda make up for the berlin "adventure"), we'd pretty much agreed it's be by invite only rather than the 15 or so people who turn up on these trips in the past.

so i'm guessing word has got back to this girl, cos on wed she has the nerve to E me saying "hey, how you doing ? you got any more weekend's away planned for everybody ?" (i'm social secretary for all my friends, cos i can get cheap flights and hotels). somewhat surprised, but not wanting to bring up the bad blood, i just replied with a "hey, fine thanks, you ? nah, too busy at work, not sorted anything".

she's obviously found out this isn't the case, cos on wed night she turns up on my friends doorstep crying wanting to know "why chris hates her ??!!" erm, where do we state ? i however did not finds out about this till last night.

so on thursday she hits me with another E, bit more detail, like how she's trying to lose weight and how the slimfast aint working, and how's my training going, oh and by the way she's after a "gym buddy" cos she wants to join the new gym that i joined in Jan, and what am i doing this weekend ?.

skirting the whole "gym buddy" thing, i just told her to give up the alcohol and caffeine and drink a load of water, and do some interval training. told her i was going out with some of my friends from college on fri night in The City. she replies with "hey i'm in The City on friday, gimme a call and let me know where you're going". never got round to replying. in the meantime my night switches to saturday for some reasons.

so i'm in the gym at about 10ish on friday night (after working till 8pm, i'll come to this later) when my sms goes, text from her "hey, just wondered which bar you're in ? my friends are all boring me, would be good to see you, i'm a bit drunk". just replied with "sorry, out tommorrow instead, switched nights, have a good night". she replies saying "i might be out tommorrow, so just call me". just think "won't be doing that" and carried on with my training.

so saturday night i'm in a bar when my best friends sister calls me asking where i am, tell her, and she says "ok cool, i'll come over, btw i've got [the girl] with me". so i'm like "oh for fucks sake" cos i don't want her to meet my college buddies, cos they're some of the last of my friends she hasn't got her claws into, but think fuck it, i've got nothing to lose, i might as well try and be sociable with her.

this is where i made the big error of last night - i'd be up since 7am and had ran 14 miles that morning, so energy levels were dipping, so over the course of about two hours i'd ended up putting away 4 large vodka and red bulls, all full cans, so i'm not too drunk, just very wired.

so she turns up, we all make small talk as a group and it's pretty social, everyones getting drunk but it's quite nice, i think, heh i can live with seeing her in this situation. so we hit a club, at this point most of my college friends have gone elsewhere, and the last guy who's place i was staying at has to go home cos his girlfriend was ill, he lives outisde The City so we were meant to be sharing a cab, he apologises but tells me to stay as some of his buddies who i don't really know too well are there and i'm ahving fun. he says i should just give him a call at 3am or whenever and get back to his place.

so anyway the night progresses and i end up talking to the girl in question, one on one, just stupid shit at first, then she says "do you hate me, cos you aint called or saw me for 5 weeks ?" i'm like "nah, don't hate you, just been busy, and thought it'd be awkward" she then gets a bit upset and tells me the story of her on my friends doorstep on the thursday (i know this is true). so i give her a hug and tell her not to worry about it.

at this point she tries to kiss me, so i'm like "nah, it aint like that, we're doing well to try and stay friends here" she looks a bit embarrassed but i tell her not to worry about it. and i walk off feeling like a fucking cool alpha-male, didn't think i'd ever have turned her down. night goes on and i'm chatting to a random girl when she comes up again with a guy she used to date, i kinda know him through her so i'm like "hey" and he's pretty cool. she tries in on with again when he aint about, and i knock her back again. fucking alpha male x 2. another vodka red bull.

so the night ends and we're outside the club trying to get home, there's a snowstorm brewing so i don't risk getting a cab out to my college buddies place and take up my friends sister offer of crashing at her duplex in The City. end up getting a can up there with some random clubbers. get to friends sisters place and the girl is there cos she's got knowhere to stay, and she's got the ex-boyf with her and there's a couple of other people about. it's a bit awkward so i head upstairs to bed, and most other people disapear. i leave the girl and this guy on the couches by the front door, but cos i've had about 20 times rec dose of caffeine i'm still awake at 5ish when i hear them start fucking. i'm a bit "don't really want to hear this" but i can't fucking sleep, nor leave the apartment unless i can develop some sort of superman powers and fly down 10 storeys.

must have crashed out about 6ish, then wake again at 8.30am-ish, house is all quiet so i just lie there for an hour or two with my head going 100mph, bout 10am i hear them fucking again then bout 10 mins later i hear the doorslam and the guy leave. think i fell asleep again cos the next thing i know is there's someone stroking my hair and this girl is in my room cos she's left some of her clothes in there before she'd gone out the night before. "she's like, hey morning, you were really cool last night, you had everyone laughing, good night ?" i was tempted to say deadpan "i heard you fuck him you stupid bitch". then she starts undressing in front of me and puts on some pyjamas to catch some sleep, she goes into my friends sisters bedroom for a chat, so i just jumped up threw my clothes on and was out the door. didn't have a clue how to react to that situation.

i found out that guy had "borrowed" my jacket, as it was 0 degrees outside so i had the walk to and ride the subway to my college friends house just in a polo shirt. i also left my tag watch in the bedroom as well. had breakfast with buddy and girlfriend then jumped in car and came home. went to the pool for a bit and went for lunch with a couple of other people. it's now 8.30pm and i'm crashing fast.

so i'm beating myself up again, am i fucking twisted and just jealous cos that guy got what i've wanted for ages, even though i don't want it anymore, and could probably have had it last night.

or am i the victim to some sicko's obsession, and she was never going to fuck me again, and just wanted me to chase her then she could fuck that guy anyway ?

feel better for having vented it, but still don't how to deal with her. not heard from her at all today, and she will have been a bit "where'd he go ?", also last night when were just chatting i said i'd be her "gym buddy" (fucking alcohol) and that i'd ring her this week. i want to just not call her, cos i won't be seeing her for definites for about another month, or does this make me look like a jealous little kid ? and won't go to the gym with her cos she fucked a guy who wasn't me ?

on top of this i'm ill, have got a heap of meetings all week at work, so am going to be on planes and trains all week, that's if i'm still employed after tommorrow, cos i reckon i'm gonna get a bollocking cos of the fuck-ups i've made in the last few weeks, mainly due to my total lack of motivation for my job anymore.

to be honest, i don't care, what happens, happens.

oh, and as i was leaving the apartment i was looking for a pen and paper to leave a note on the bed saying "actually, yeah, i do hate you now". but couldn't find one. shit eh ?

C_UK

[Chameleon]

OMG Chris_UK. You handled yourself really well given the circumstances. That girl is really twisted. She STALKED you, tried to kiss you (sooo happy you rebuffed her), f*cked her ex while you were in the same apartement twice, then came on to you? What a nutjob!

I don't think you owe her anything - you don't have to call her back about the gym, you don't have to answer her texts and you really should block her emails. I can't believe some of your friends still haven't got the message that that girl is a total mindf*ck and you want her to stay the hell away from you.

Is there a way to simply tell her "I want you to stop forcing your way back into my life. Please leave me alone" with or without "I hate you, you crazy, insensitive, narcissistic b*tch.".?

[twentity]

Yeah, good job with not falling for her advances. I agree with Chameleon, don't respond to her anymore. She can't do anything for you but screw with your mind.

[Deadend]

ended up in a penthouse of a hotel with 13 scottish girls on a bacherlette party, up all night,

C_UK

Note to self: hit gym, get in best shape of life...

[Chris_UK]

Note to self: hit gym, get in best shape of life...

Yes, in the words of KISS "kerazy, kerazy, kerazy nights".

tbh, i like to think i wear a sturdy pair of party pants, but those scottish girls taught me a thing or two about drinking and having a good time.

oh, and joy of joys, that mad bitch texted me last night, to let me know "hey you, i've got your watch and your jacket, want me to drop em round ?".

it's a nice watch and a nice jacket, but to be honest, they're not THAT nice. *message deleted*.

if she calls me again, i'll just have her leave em with security at my office, and tell her i'm working late all week. which aint too far from the truth. throat is sooo sore.

cheers guys.

C_UK