Girls - please convince me not all want boys for cars & money...

[Chris1981]

Okay so I'm a very progressive guy... will I eventually find someone who thinks the same way I do? I believe paying on a date every now and then is something a guy should do. Especially on the first date. But I know SOOOO many girls who would dump a guy because he often said "hey are you cool with going halfway?" And I believe a guy should buy a girl flowers, and make her feel special, and treat her with sensitivity. But I know SOOOO many girls who would expect all of this stuff from a guy because of gender roles. And not really return the kindness. And that SCARES me bigtime. It makes me feel glad to be single for the first time after having put up with that crap my whole life. This is the year 2005, not the 1800's. Do any girls agree with me? Or do I have to suck it up and change if I ever wanna marry an American girl? And may I just add... that I feel even more scared sometimes when I ask the same questions to some of my guy friends and they side with my ex-girlfriends... they say stuff like "man, if you wanna keep a girlfriend you're just gonna have to open up the wallet and shut up." The hell with that. Girls... am I going to be single all my life? Say it ain't so.

[jdt141]

Dude, its a catch 22. They want someone progressive who wants equal rights, as long as they don't have to foot the bill. There are some out there, and on this board, who exist, but there also exists exactly the woman you describe. keep on lookin.

[inuts]

Okay so I'm a very progressive guy... will I eventually find someone who thinks the same way I do? I believe paying on a date every now and then is something a guy should do. Especially on the first date. But I know SOOOO many girls who would dump a guy because he often said "hey are you cool with going halfway?" And I believe a guy should buy a girl flowers, and make her feel special, and treat her with sensitivity. But I know SOOOO many girls who would expect all of this stuff from a guy because of gender roles. And not really return the kindness. And that SCARES me bigtime. It makes me feel glad to be single for the first time after having put up with that crap my whole life. This is the year 2005, not the 1800's. Do any girls agree with me? Or do I have to suck it up and change if I ever wanna marry an American girl? And may I just add... that I feel even more scared sometimes when I ask the same questions to some of my guy friends and they side with my ex-girlfriends... they say stuff like "man, if you wanna keep a girlfriend you're just gonna have to open up the wallet and shut up." The hell with that. Girls... am I going to be single all my life? Say it ain't so.

Well, I'm not a girl, but I will say from experience that not all girls are into money. I know one girl whose family is worth $30-40 million, and obviously there isn't a guy on Earth who can buy her anything she doesn't already have or can't get. Money is the least important thing to her when looking for a guy.

I know another girl who's a banker. Money doesn't matter to her in the least, though she is impressed by guys who are good at trivia and dodgeball!!! (But I already have dibs on her!!!) :D

Not all girls are into money. At least not the ones who recognize that being good at trivia AND dodgeball are far more important! :p

[laelialudisia]

well, obviously i can't speak for all girls, but i always go dutch on dates unless it is a special occasion or the guy really wants to take me out and pay, which i would of course then reciprocate at another time.

i also enjoy doing nice things for my bf. i have much more disposable income at the moment than my bf, so i end up doing more nice things that involve money, but he did more of that for me when he had more disposable income. he still does nice things - they just take a bit more creativity and time since he can't go out and buy me an iPod or whatever as a nice surprise.

personally, i think a relationship which is set up so that 1 person pays for everything creates a very dangerous power dynamic in a relationship that makes me very uncomfortable. i was brought up knowing that i must be able to support myself and not rely on anyone to support me, as such, i very much want an equal footing in my relationships, and i think a large part of establishing that equality deals with the exchange and spending of money within a couple.

i think you just need to continue looking and look for someone that values equality and reciprocity in their relationships. i have found that it is fairly easy to tell whether a person is acting out of ideological gender norms or not pretty quickly, and if they are, and you know that is not what you are looking for, onto the next person.

[3point1four]

It's funny to say, but how you treat a girl early is what she's going to expect for the duration. If she doesn't want anything to do with the bill then she never will. If she asks and you say it's on you, then you're in good shape.

I think I actually pushed someone away by being generous recently. I payed for a couple meals, sent her flowers, etc and she lost interest. I think she's just the hunter type. She doesn't like to be the one being chased, but that's another post for another day.

Just be honest with girls, man. If you don't have it, don't pay it. If you want her to go half way, you don't have to ask her. It's like asking to kiss her. You just get the bill and if she's grabbing her purse asking how much she owes, just let her know. It's that simple.

[winneythepooh7]

Yes, there are definately women out there who are only into guys who pay for everything and buy them everything. I don't personally feel the majority of women are like this, and I think the ones who are, are quite shallow, and probably won't be around for the long-haul. It's different if the guy has a huge income and can pay for a lot of things. However, it should NOT be expected all the time, and the female should definately contribute, as well. There are a lot of things you can do in a relationship that don't involve spending big bucks.

[dengeist]

I hate to say this, but, just be yourself. As trite as it might sound it's for the best. There are so many different types of girls out there, there's no magic formula for being successful. Some women will like what you have to offer and some won't. My best friend has been with this girl he's basically had to support for a few months because she was out of work. Now that she found a job the first thing she said was "I'm going to hook you up for standing behind me." Although women say they want to be "liberated" it really doesn't apply to the romance department. You definitely shouldn't be saying "Half?" on the first few dates.

Just keep looking until you find a girl that is willing to go half on things. Even though I feel whoever asked the other person out should pay; that'll mostly be you.

I would suggest doing things that don't cost much money, like a picnic in the park (when it gets warm), trips to a museum, dinner at a really nice restaurant, but only order appetizers, etc

[RudeGirl]

My boyfriend has a low income and drives a Toyota Corolla, and we're engaged.

So yes, we exist.

His family does well, but he won't ask them for money--it's a pride thing. And that's fine.

We eat Value-Time and shop secondhand. I personally have my grandparents, who grew up during the Great Depression and were hard-core pennypinchers, to thank for that. :)

p.s. I like to pay for nights out sometimes. It makes me feel like the big, important person that I'm not. And i've always found that guys who weren't traditionalists about money were a hell of a lot more fun, because they didn't get hung up on crap like the makeup/high heels/dresses I wouldn't wear or the hair I wouldn't grow out.

[Forecaster18]

I'm kind of a split guy, in that I like to be the old-fashioned gentleman, but I'm not afraid to treat a girl like one of the guys. I'd much rather be with someone who enjoys being around me no matter what the situation, rather than someone who can only put up with one part of me. I found some women are nearly offended when you offer to pay for something, and that pisses me off. Can't a guy do something nice without turning it into a federal case?

Also, I recently learned that it is a bad idea to pursue a woman who had a bad or absentee father. They rarely know what a good man is when one is staring them in the face. Just sayin'

[3point1four]

Also, I recently learned that it is a bad idea to pursue a woman who had a bad or absentee father. They rarely know what a good man is when one is staring them in the face. Just sayin'

dude, that fact ended a 5 year relationship. Her dad walked out on her mom when she was in highschool. No fighting, no nothing. He just got up one day and left. Now she's afraid of that happening to her, so as soon as it looked like I was going to ask her to marry me she bolted.

[Forecaster18]

dude, that fact ended a 5 year relationship. Her dad walked out on her mom when she was in highschool. No fighting, no nothing. He just got up one day and left. Now she's afraid of that happening to her, so as soon as it looked like I was going to ask her to marry me she bolted.

One girl I pursued for about 9 years (yeah, I was THAT stupid) had a horrible father. She, as a result, didn't trust men, and substituted physical intimacy for emotional intimacy. I'm convinced that she just doesn't know what it means to care about someone, truly. The two times I broached the subject of us having a future together, she totally shut herself off from me. For some reason I tried to maintain a friendship until about a year ago. There's a song called "When You Need My Love" that always reminded me of that manipulative...well...I'll leave it at that.

[bridgetjones]

Ummm... Best that you pay for the first few dates... If she offers to pony up on the first date, she is your gal! However I'd still pay for her for the first three dates. Hey most of us like to be taken care of and wooed the first few dates. Yes most of the guys I have dated pay and liked to pay. I chip in later for the odd thing or event.

The lack of communication in one case caused a pretty crude confrontation where I was accused of possibly using him as a piggy bank. Well I did not communicate that I was used to guys paying and that I was broke at the time. Well he did not communicate that he was always used to even steven and that he was interpretting my lack of paying as being a user. Pfft! He did not hint or say anything! How the heck am I supposed to know?! I just thought it made him look stingy and rude.

You do not wanna seem stingy. Then perhaps you might hint at going abit more dutch. The word is HINT. Such as leave your half on the table. Wait for her to pony up. If she does not have cash... Welll she is not your gal. If she ponys up then so far so good.

[dengeist]

Ummm... Best that you pay for the first few dates... If she offers to pony up on the first date, she is your gal! However I'd still pay for her for the first three dates. Hey most of us like to be taken care of and wooed the first few dates. Yes most of the guys I have dated pay and liked to pay. I chip in later for the odd thing or event.

The lack of communication in one case caused a pretty crude confrontation where I was accused of possibly using him as a piggy bank. Well I did not communicate that I was used to guys paying and that I was broke at the time. Well he did not communicate that he was always used to even steven and that he was interpretting my lack of paying as being a user. Pfft! He did not hint or say anything! How the heck am I supposed to know?! I just thought it made him look stingy and rude.

You do not wanna seem stingy. Then perhaps you might hint at going abit more dutch. The word is HINT. Such as leave your half on the table. Wait for her to pony up. If she does not have cash... Welll she is not your gal. If she ponys up then so far so good.

Beautifully said.

[Cole]

I think what the OP is looking for sounds totally reasonable. I expect a guy to pay for the first date or two and like it when he makes me feel special, but he doesn't have to spend money to do that. I know a lot of girls who expect to be spoiled by their men, but I know plenty of us who are happy with a homemade dinner, too.

I don't make a ton of money, and am totally unimpressed by guys whose income is the best thing they have going for them. Just keep looking. We're out there.

[ledzeppelinfan1]

i found one.

shes wonderful.

[shimmer728]

I've been told before that I must only be into my BF because he's going to be a lawyer. When I mention he's a law school grad, usually the FIRST thing out of people's mouths is, "Well, that will pay off for you someday!" WTF? What these idiots don't realize is that law school entails a shitload of student loans unless you happen to come from a wealthy family. Stupid asses.

By the way, he doesn't have a car, either, and I kept him anyway! :)

[wordsmith]

I also think the OP sounds reasonable. And I know for a fact that not all girls are after boys for cars and money.

[PVD99]

I don't think it's the fact that girls want just cars and money(sure there are the select few crazy gold-diggers), but they want someone who can support themselves. That's all I ask for. I just want him to be responsible, have a car so I won't have to tote him everywhere, and have a steady job. I don't even need someone to buy me everything - I have a job and I can buy it myself.

[winneythepooh7]

I don't think it's the fact that girls want just cars and money(sure there are the select few crazy gold-diggers), but they want someone who can support themselves. That's all I ask for. I just want him to be responsible, have a car so I won't have to tote him everywhere, and have a steady job. I don't even need someone to buy me everything - I have a job and I can buy it myself.

I agree. I also would never want to actually RELY on a guy for money. I don't want to feel that I owe him anything, or he can use this fact against me at a later date. I mean, it would be one thing if I was married and pregnant and not working for a bit, but to rely on a guy to pay for my daily expenses and wants now..............HELL NO!!!!

[WeirdBrake]

I've been told before that I must only be into my BF because he's going to be a lawyer. When I mention he's a law school grad, usually the FIRST thing out of people's mouths is, "Well, that will pay off for you someday!" WTF? What these idiots don't realize is that law school entails a shitload of student loans unless you happen to come from a wealthy family. Stupid asses.

By the way, he doesn't have a car, either, and I kept him anyway! :)

It must be because I'm so impossibly cute! :p

[pisces2473]

I've been told before that I must only be into my BF because he's going to be a lawyer. When I mention he's a law school grad, usually the FIRST thing out of people's mouths is, "Well, that will pay off for you someday!" WTF? What these idiots don't realize is that law school entails a shitload of student loans unless you happen to come from a wealthy family. Stupid asses.

By the way, he doesn't have a car, either, and I kept him anyway! :)
Allison...when I tell people about C's lawsuit, they say "Oh, you're gonna be a rich lady some day." Who the fuck do these people think they are??? It's not MY money, it's HIS.

[winneythepooh7]

It must be because I'm so impossibly cute! :p

I was wondering where you went. I thought that Christmas shopping for Shimmer pushed you over the edge ;).

[WeirdBrake]

I was wondering where you went. I thought that Christmas shopping for Shimmer pushed you over the edge ;).

Nah! I was pushed over the edge a LOOOOONG time ago!

[shimmer728]

Allison...when I tell people about C's lawsuit, they say "Oh, you're gonna be a rich lady some day." Who the fuck do these people think they are??? It's not MY money, it's HIS.

Exactly my thoughts! In your case, these comments are doubly crass, considering the agony you and Chris had to go through in the months following the accident. Holy crap!

[wordsmith]

When I think of some of the well-off people I know who are in truly miserable, loveless marriages that I wouldn't wish on anybody, I really have to take the whole philosophy of financial security = happy relationships with a grain of salt. When you aren't wanting for anything financially, it's definitely true that it zeroes out a very common conflict in marriages, that of monetary stress...which is surely an asset. But there are certainly other factors that can rip couples apart that being financially solvent doesn't even come close to making up for.

[pisces2473]

Exactly my thoughts! In your case, these comments are doubly crass, considering the agony you and Chris had to go through in the months following the accident. Holy crap!
Thankfully these comments come from people that really don't know the whole situation.

[bridgetjones]

Well not to mention being rich has its own stresses or the stress is about something else other than money. Ha! Not to mention a silly man might not have realized his wifey poo only married him for money. Or visa versa...

That being said I would still prefer to be well-off than not. However finding someone with similar values about money can be hard. I do not care for bling but I do care about being financially free and travelling/eating/doing things that cost money. As far as I am concerned unless you are retardedly wealthy cars, large houses and designer things in most cases are things that are not worth it.

Pisces and Shimmer... People can be such thoughtless asses. What else can I say?