Lost the love of my life. Need advice

[MrEMann]

OK, here's my sad story:

I met my (now ex-)girlfriend Christine back in April of this year via an online dating site. We started out seeing each other about once a week, but from May to October, we saw each other pretty much every day, spending every free minute with each other. We were absolutely crazy for one another. In August, she applied for a job on a cruise ship, which is something she'd been wanting to do for quite some time. She got the job, and it started in October. I promised her that I would wait for her until she got back in early May.

Well, on December 11th, after 2 very agonizing months apart, and after keeping in touch with each other regularly via e-mail and MSN Messenger, I flew down to Ft. Lauderdale, where her ship was in port and asked her to marry me. She said yes (actually, it was an emphatic 'of course i will'), and I was the happiest man in the world. Thoughts of our future together filled me with such happiness. About a week later, we got into an argument via e-mail, and then, on December 23, she called me up and informed me that she has decided to do another contract on a cruise ship once her current one was complete, and was thus breaking up with me. I was (and still am) absolutely devastated.

Now, I'm 28, and I'm not the kind of guy who gets girls easily. In fact, Christine was my first true love, and my first for a lot of other things as well. I am very shy, so really the only way I have of meeting women is through online dating, and I have found that to be rather undependable. I need advice on what other ways I might be able to meet women, keeping in mind that I am not the type who could approach a stranger in a bar, nor am I the type who women would approach on their own. After 2 months of being alone, and now losing any hope that I had for the future, I need to find somebody who can love me, so that I can move past this traumatizing series of events and find happiness again. I have never felt more alone in my life.

[inuts]

That's crazy.

I'm actually a terrible person to offer advice (as many people here can vouch), but I do offer my sympathy. Sometimes it's just not easy to get over someone and there aren't any quick fixes. Sometimes the solution is that there isn't a clear, short, easy solution. Sometimes the resolution is that there is no resolution.

I think as far as meeting new people, don't ask "where do I meet new people", because there are new people around you every day, if you open your eyes and concentrate on slowing down enough to notice and talk with all the new people. Slowing down is the hard part. Most people will open up and talk if someone is paying attention and listening. So slow down and concentrate, and pay attention to the people around you. Don't be afraid. You don't have to impress anyone. Just take a deep breath and relax--there are a lot of women out there looking, too.

So good luck and I hope you feel better.

[ccc1979]

That is a sad story. But, before I address the how to meet people inquiry, this: Any chance for reconciliation? It's only been a couple days since she broke up with you. Or is that out of the question? What was the argument about? Was it the argument or was there another reason for the breakup?

And if the relationship is really gone... how to meet people. Okay, so I don't know much about meeting people, since I haven't had to do it in a while. But anyway, back to you.

Online dating, yes, I've been told there is a lot of, well, nonsense, to sift through. Ever tried speed dating? I don't know if it really exists, I think I've seen it in TV or something. (and everything on tv is real, right?!) Anyway, I would think that people there would be more serious, since it takes a little more effort to actually go someplace and talk to people than register yourself at a dating site. Maybe you can do some activity or join a group that puts you in the company of other people.

Or, you could try not meeting people. I don't mean purposely avoid meeting people, but just to focus on other parts of your life for a while. They always say it happens when you least expect it.

I'm sorry you feel so alone. I know it's hard to feel doomed to alone-ness, but chances are, you aren't. It's just temporary. I think everything happens for a reason. Maybe Christine is just your first love, and not the love of your life. Maybe the love of your life is out there, looking for you!

[dengeist]

8 months and you're popping the question? Hmmmm, well all I will say is give her some time, she'll be back.

She probably got cold feet.

[MrEMann]

Thank you for your help. To answer your question, no, I don't believe there is any chance for reconciliation. The reason she broke up with me was because she realized just how important it was to her to be able to continue working on cruise ships, and she knew she would not have time for me in her life. She also knew how hard the past 2 months had been on me, and that there is no way that I could continue sitting around alone waiting for her for years. The fight wasn't what broke us up, but it did help her to come to her conclusion.

The demise of our relationship was just caused by bad timing, and I would have given anything to have come into her life AFTER she finished her cruise ship jobs. I know she still loves me (she has told me so), but this job has been a lifelong dream of hers, and I just can't compete with that. I have offered to stay friends with her, which she has accepted, and I can only hope that she might reconsider getting back together with me when she's finally had enough of the job, assuming I'm still single at the time (which almost seems inevitable at this point). But, who knows how long that will be, and I can't just assume that that's what she'd want to do and keep waiting for her.

I was alone for so long before I met her, and for the first time in my life, I could actually picture myself eventually living the life that I have always dreamed of: meeting a woman, getting married and starting a family. Now I just see myself continuing on as I had for the first 27 years of my life, being completely ignored by women, and that is no way to live. Christine is going to mail me back the engagement ring, and I know that I am going to fall to pieces when I receive that particular piece of mail. I also have a box of things of hers at my place, which I have to return to her parents tomorrow. I have eliminated any trace of her from my life -- all of the photos I took of her, and all of the letters she wrote to me have been tossed out, as I can't be reminded of what I have lost.

I have been logging onto Lavalife for each of the past 3 days, and have been sending 'smiles' out to any women in my area who I might be interested in starting a relationship with. I must have sent out at least 20 'smiles' by now, half of which were in the first day, and haven't received a single show of interest from anybody. Now, I know that it's the holiday season (which has made this whole ordeal even harder on me), so most women have other things to do than log onto Lavalife. Yet, at the same time, I have noticed that at least half of the women that I sent smiles to have logged onto Lavalife since I sent them a smile, and have not sent one back. It's very discouraging to say the least. I suppose what I really need is help with my profile. Here is what I have:

Display Name: SHY_N_SENSITIVE1
Opening Line: Looking for that special someone

I'm the type of guy who you would probably classify as a hopeless romantic. I like to spoil the lady in my life, by treating her to random acts of kindness (like, say, cooking her dinner, writing her a poem, buying her gifts for no reason at all, or giving her a back rub or a foot massage after a hard day at work). I enjoy going for long walks with that special someone by my side, or just sitting at home on the sofa, cuddling with her while watching a movie. I'm a little on the quiet side, but I really open up when I feel comfortable with someone, and I have a quirky sense of humour. I am not really into the bar scene, as I prefer quieter, more intimate settings.

I work in internet marketing for a major hotel in {my hometown}. My interests include computers, baseball, building model cars, miniputt, bowling, television, music, movies, amusement parks and almost any outdoor activity, as long as the weather is nice. I like to travel, whenever I can get the time off work.

I'm looking for a woman who is intelligent, funny, warm-hearted, attractive and trustworthy. I have tried and failed at the whole long distance relationship thing, so I'm looking for someone within the region, who doesn't plan on leaving the area any time soon. I'm looking to pursue a serious relationship, not just a casual fling.

If you are interested in getting to know me, send me a smile, and if the interest is mutual, I'll be in touch with you.

I have also included a photo with my profile, and I know I'm not an ugly guy, although I'm no Brad Pitt either. Is there anything in that profile that I should redo, or anything that you could see that would prevent women from being interested in me? Or is there a better online dating site than Lavalife out there? -- keeping in mind that I live in Canada. Thanks

[3point1four]

getting over heartbreak is the same as getting over injury. There's nothing you can do that will put your knee back together any faster. There's nothing you can do at all but understand that it's going to hurt and you're not going to be OK for a while. It's OK to be sad. She meant a lot to you. Just make sure you talk about it and try not to keep it all inside.

I found writting helped me out a lot, but I'm no role model. I still think about her just about every day. I'm still not OK... and that's OK.

[winneythepooh7]

My honest feelings here are if you are that devastated over the loss of your gf, that it isn't time so soon to be jumping right back in there. You need time to get over her. It isn't fair to any potential women you may meet...............Just my 2-cents ;).

[MrEMann]

I understand what you're saying, but I disagree. The source of my devastation comes more from a realization that I may spend the rest of my life alone, and not so much from the loss of Christine specifically. Her and I saw each other for only 5 hours out of the past 2 months, so I had plenty of time to adjust to her not being in my life. Right now, I just need to know that there is in fact someone out there who would like to get to know me. I won't be able to sleep, or move on with my life until I can at least take comfort in that fact.

[winneythepooh7]

I understand what you're saying, but I disagree. The source of my devastation comes more from a realization that I may spend the rest of my life alone, and not so much from the loss of Christine specifically. Her and I saw each other for only 5 hours out of the past 2 months, so I had plenty of time to adjust to her not being in my life. Right now, I just need to know that there is in fact someone out there who would like to get to know me. I won't be able to sleep, or move on with my life until I can at least take comfort in that fact.


OK. I see what you are saying. I feel however that you should then go into the online dating thing with no expectations. If you are looking for someone, anyone, you may set yourself up for major disappointment. Which is what appears to have happened between you and Christine.........Those are some pretty strong statements that "you won't be able to sleep or move on with your life" until you know someone is out there for you...............

[TheBeve]

I sympathize with you, MrEMann. Ending a relationship is a gut wrenching experience that really shakes a person to the core.

I would have to agree with the postings advising you to hold off on a relationship. I know it sucks right now and all you can think of is getting back to having someone in your life, but you will get over her. It's tough at this moment to think along these lines, but look at all the opportunities you now have to do the things you never had time/could do.

My advice, take some time off and mourn your loss. Pay attention to you and whatever you would like to do for yourself.

Do you want to lose some weight? Join a club or start running (honestly, I've met a ton of girls through running.. they all think they need to lose weight :) ).

Do some traveling (visit some family in another state, it's a great way to catch up and it's cheaper).

Revel in the fact that you don't have to check in with anyone, and you can take advantage of all the "opportunities" that you couldn't while you were in a relationship.

As far as the dating goes, flip your situation around and look at it this way:
When you finally get over your loss (and you will), would you want to date a girl who was still hung up on their ex and using you for an emotional crutch?

Girls can sense when you're grasping for their attention/love and it repels them like crazy. Take care of yourself, and then worry about opening up again.

[MrEMann]

OK. I see what you are saying. I feel however that you should then go into the online dating thing with no expectations. If you are looking for someone, anyone, you may set yourself up for major disappointment. Which is what appears to have happened between you and Christine.........Those are some pretty strong statements that "you won't be able to sleep or move on with your life" until you know someone is out there for you...............


Well, I'm not just looking for anyone, but rather someone who I am compatible with. I know that there are risks involved in online dating, and if I had any confidence in my skills at introducing myself to women in person, I would probably go that route. Unfortunately, I am painfully shy (always have been, so that's not just going to change), and I just don't have what it takes to get women to notice me. I was very lucky to meet someone as great as Christine online, and I know that it might not happen again. Anyways, I'm feeling a little better now, and I'm not going to go into panic mode if this online dating doesn't produce results right away.

Anyways, are there any women out there that could help me with improving my Lavalife profile (posted above)? Let me know if there is anything in there that might scare women off, or that makes me seem unappealing. I'd like to know what I'm doing wrong, because obviously the women that I've shown interest in aren't liking what I have to offer. Then again, maybe I just need to give it more time.

[winneythepooh7]

I don't have any suggestions about the profile. I do want to say though that it takes everyone different times to find someone they are compatible with. Dating isn't a race, and just because you haven't found Ms. Right yet, does not mean that there is anything wrong with you. You should find things to make you happy and content, because being in a relationship doesn't solve or change life's problems. Relationships are hard work and never easy. Trust me. I am there right now.

[3point1four]

In order to be able to search for someone to spend your life with, you MUST BE READY TO LIVE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE ALONE. Once you've made peace with the reality that you may never find anyone and you may die alone (and be totally OK with that) then it's very hard to go out and just be natural.

If you're worried about the rest of your life right now you're going to be nervous, over anxious, you'll rush chicks, and you'll end up single and more frustrated again.

[Forecaster18]

You sound a lot like me. I’m 23 and have basically been ignored or used by women pretty much my entire life, most recently by someone who led me to believe that she gave a damn and then basically shoved me aside. My advice is to not let her live in your head longer than is necessary to get over her. I’ve always found it easiest to get pissed and stay pissed. I chased the same girl for almost 9 years, until she pissed me off so much by blowing up at me repeatedly for no reason that I told her off and have since avoided contact with her as much as possible, and I’m very pleased with that situation. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not happy that I’ve essentially lost a long time friend, but once I was mad enough at her to push the possibility of romantic involvement out of my head, I realized that she just wasn’t on my intellectual plane, and that talking to her was a chore.

With the most recent one (blew me off in August after 8 months of semi-dating), I was just so pissed that she would be so arrogant, that, much like the previous situation, I’ve avoided her as much as possible. Then again, I was kind of thinking with the wrong head there, since she can really be annoying.

The unfortunate part of that anger is that it has made me suspicious of most all women. Unfortunately, I’ve found this is often justified.

[Ederratic]

All the above advice is pretty good so here's my 2 cents. You need to be over Christine before you can have a healthy relationship with anybody else. It'll hurt and it'll take a long time but until you do any efforts you make to start a serious relationship will be sabotaged. Dating around is ok, dating for fun, but don't try for the serious stage too quickly or you'll scare everybody away.

Until you become OK with being alone you will never be able to change the pattern of being a serial bachelor.

[MrEMann]

Thank you everyone for your input. You're right, of course -- I should wait until I'm completely over Christine before pursuing another relationship. I was ill-prepared for this turn of events, and my loneliness and despair made me feel desperate.

I think I took a big step towards healing today. I just took a long walk to clear my head, and I've come to a few conclusions:

1) I may not be destined for loneliness after all. The only reason I stayed single for so long was because I never really made the effort to meet people. I kept waiting for love to just come along, but in this world, you have to make things happen. It was only when I made a commitment back in April and decided to log onto Lavalife every day that I managed to finally meet someone.

2) I have a lot to offer a woman. I never in my wildest dreams imagined that I could ever end up with someone like Christine, and yet I did, which means she must have found something in me that she liked. The fact that we broke up does not change that view, because I know that she still loved me at the end.

3) This breakup was actually a bit of a relief. If Christine and I had stayed together, I would have had to spend the next 4 and a half months waiting for her and making myself unavailable to women. The first 2 months were hard enough on me, and I became a completely different person when I was waiting for her. I was in a bad mood the whole time we were apart, because I felt so lonely. I can finally feel free to be happy.

4) I have become okay with the possibility of never meeting somebody. I have already experienced true love, and I know that that is something that I never thought I would do, so I consider myself lucky in that regard. As long as I continue to do things that make me happy, I can still lead a fulfilling and enjoyable life. Obviously, I would prefer to meet someone, but if I don't, it's not such a big deal.

Anyways, thanks for all of the advice. I am going to take some more time to heal before I get back into the dating scene.

[winneythepooh7]

Keep your options open then. Go out and meet people. You will probably meet someone new when you aren't expecting it, and not necessarily from the internet. I only know a small handful of people it seems that actually have been totally sucessful this way. But that's another thread...........I think if you get involved in things, and be around people with similar interests than you, you will more likely meet a compatible person. I actually met my boyfriend when I wasn't looking because one of my alumnae sorority sister's brought him to my graduation party as her
"date". He's actually her second cousin LOL. We just hung out as friends in a group for quite some time before I actually started thinking about dating him.

[Jedi of Zen]

I think if you get involved in things, and be around people with similar interests than you, you will more likely meet a compatible person.


Just for the record, I have tried this repeatedly and the only women I end up meeting tend to be married and old enough to be my mother. I try to give myself the benefit of the doubt though, so I'm just assuming that it's more due to the fact that I live in a small & conservative town rather than it being bad advice.

Anyway, on to the point - Mr.E - from the tone of your posts, I can only imagine the kind of devastation you must be going through. For what it is worth, I myself had a similiar relationship a few years ago with a girl who not only met but actually far surpassed the degree of qualities that I'd always hoped for in finding an SO/potential wife. Oddly enough, it wasn't because of communication problems or anything like that that led to our breakup; rather, it was religious differences compounded by the fact that her dad thought I was Satan incarnate (God forbid I should disagree with him on any of the finer points of Lutherian theology!) Kind of unheard of in this day and age, I suppose, but it happened.

I've since gone on to meet other girls and have also had a 2 year relationship with another girl. I still think about Kari (the first girl) a lot to this day and miss her immensely, but I can say that I have been able to move on, at least as far as not letting the initial depression stop me from moving forward in other areas of my life (career, school, etc.) If I were you, I wouldn't rule out the online thing, nor the possibility of renewing some kind of communication with this girl again at some point in the future - but - you might want to keep the latter option on the back burner rather than as an immediate goal. And just be mindful of the fact that you've been through a major painful chapter in your life - I think it would be ok for you to meet other girls online, but just take a deep breath and keep your perspective clear about where you are right now. And unlike some of the others, I think embracing the idea of being completely alone for the rest of your life is a little harsh. True, it makes sense in theory, but we are only human, and it is a natural need to want to be with someone. So from here on out, don't ignore that need, but do so with great care and wisdom.

I hope this helps, my friend. Hang in there - you can and will feel better in time.

[Cole]

Eman, I am sorry to hear about your loss. Especially after getting engaged. But better now than the night before the wedding, right?

It will take time to heal, but use this experience as a boost to your confidence. Now you know what it feels like to be in love, and you know that you can land a wonderful woman. Take that to heart.

Definitely give yourself plenty of time and space to heal. You will not be alone forever. Even those of us who date all the time have doubts about finding the right person, but just have confidence and faith in yourself.

When you are ready to date again, should you choose to go the online route again my recommendation for your profile would be to make it a little less needy. Saying that you are a "hopeless romantic" and like to "spoil" your girlfriends, as well as wanting someone who is here and will be staying here makes it sound like you NEED someone who will spend LOTS of time with you. Girls don't want needy guys. They want nice, confident guys. It's a lot more attractive to feel like a guy is taking time out of his own life to spend with you because you're special and worth it, rather than waiting around for you to come home and keep him company and make him feel special. I'm sure it goes both ways.

And again, this is why it's really important to get over your last breakup and rebuild things for yourself before you start trying to find a new relationship.

Good luck!

[Jedi of Zen]

When you are ready to date again, should you choose to go the online route again my recommendation for your profile would be to make it a little less needy. Saying that you are a "hopeless romantic" and like to "spoil" your girlfriends, as well as wanting someone who is here and will be staying here makes it sound like you NEED someone who will spend LOTS of time with you. Girls don't want needy guys. They want nice, confident guys. It's a lot more attractive to feel like a guy is taking time out of his own life to spend with you because you're special and worth it, rather than waiting around for you to come home and keep him company and make him feel special. I'm sure it goes both ways.



I agree completely. In fact, Mr.Eman, I don't think you should even exhibit any interest in females, period. Instead, be gay. Women will then throw themselves at you.

[wordsmith]

The source of my devastation comes more from a realization that I may spend the rest of my life alone, and not so much from the loss of Christine specifically. Her and I saw each other for only 5 hours out of the past 2 months, so I had plenty of time to adjust to her not being in my life. Right now, I just need to know that there is in fact someone out there who would like to get to know me. I won't be able to sleep, or move on with my life until I can at least take comfort in that fact.

It's hard to have the most clear perspective in the world when you're newly dumped, but it bears reminding that one relationship not working out doesn't really mean that you're going to spend the rest of your life alone. I've said it before, and I'll say it again...the odds are against it. Most people do end up with somebody, sooner or later.

[Multiades]

In order to be able to search for someone to spend your life with, you MUST BE READY TO LIVE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE ALONE. Once you've made peace with the reality that you may never find anyone and you may die alone (and be totally OK with that) then it's very hard to go out and just be natural.Girls can sense when you're grasping for their attention/love and it repels them like crazy. Take care of yourself, and then worry about opening up again.This stuff drives me crazy. It's like "help, I'm desperate and I can't stop!" -- true story.

eMan, I've been there, and it's been several years. The other guys are right, but I hear you.

-Chris

[MrEMann]

I continue to have my ups and downs. Just when I think I'm starting to get better, I find myself lying awake at 2am thinking about Christine, and about what the future might hold in store for me. I know that I need to find some fun things to do to keep my mind off of this, but at the same time, I'm so exhausted from lack of sleep and mental turmoil, that I don't really feel like doing anything. Things should get better once I go back to work today -- it didn't help that I had the last 4 days off to dwell on this. I can only take comfort in the knowledge that the first breakup is usually the hardest, and that this experience should only make me stronger in the long run. And since this was my first real relationship, I can now take the knowledge that I have gained from this to help me in relationships down the road. I will get through this eventually, and once I can finally look on things with a clearer head, I can fine-tune my Lavalife profile and attempt to get back into the dating scene. For now, I just need to try to get some sleep...

[winneythepooh7]

Have you considered talking to someone professional about this? It can be really helpful.................especially if these thoughts are interfering in your everyday activities. Someone neutral can help you see patterns and learn why it's difficult for you to go out and meet people.

[TheBeve]

Have you considered talking to someone professional about this? It can be really helpful.................especially if these thoughts are interfering in your everyday activities. Someone neutral can help you see patterns and learn why it's difficult for you to go out and meet people.
I second that statement.

If you don't want to talk to someone, perhaps start a journal about it?

You might consider taking a walk or doing some sort of daily physical activity after work. The stress relief will probably do you good.