Racially humiliated at Christmas dinner...rant and vent

[Bruiser]

I knew there was a reason my girlfriend did not invite me to family functions at her house where it involved anyone more than herself, brother, and mother. Her uncles and cousins are a bunch of racist pigs. I am in a long-term interracial relationship, and my family loves her. I had her over for Christmas Eve, which is a big event in my huge family, and she met everyone, and everyone was courteous and talked to her and showed an interest in her. If anyone had a racial hangup, atleast they kept it to themselves. Her family did not extend the courtesy to me the next night at Christmas. Over dinner, I was called "The White Boy", asked "How does it feel to be the n****r tonight? Why don't you take your ass into the kitchen and start the dishes?" and many jokes about how I have manners and that I "should be frisked before I leave, like you all do to us". WTF? This was so wrong on so many levels! My g/f and her mom apologized to me, saying that when they all get drunk, they don't know what they are talking about, but you know what? In my drunkest lowest hour, I never ragged on my girlfriend because she is black, let alone during a family meal. I was so in shock that we haven't really talked about it yet. I don't hold it against her, it wasn't she that said those things, but atleast back me up...I was not going to sink to their level and start bickering with the drunk bigots in their house, but I had only silent "I'm sorrys" from the woman I've been with for over two years.

[WeirdBrake]

They owe you an apology IN WRITING for their behavior. And if they don't apologize, I wouldn't blame you if you never wanted to associate with them again.

[J-girl]

Thats fucking horrible and totally un called for. You need to talk to her about this.

[meatwad]

I don't know if I could have stuck around for that. I'm sorry B.

[lilyflower]

Damn, Bruiser, there's no reason for that. :mad:

[wordsmith]

I also would have extreme problems were my SO to not come to my defense in a situation like that.

[k.monster]

That's insane. That is totally out of line and it's sad you had to experience it.

[tdko]

If your gf didn't stick up for you, then you two seriously need to have a talk. Obviously she doesn't agree with them, but if she's not going to defend you then something's wrong. You deserve it.

[pisces2473]

I don't hold it against her, it wasn't she that said those things, but atleast back me up...I was not going to sink to their level and start bickering with the drunk bigots in their house, but I had only silent "I'm sorrys" from the woman I've been with for over two years.
As someone who has an alcoholic extended family member, it can be very difficult to stick up for someone when the offender is raging drunk. Sometimes it's just easier to stay quiet and not say anything, because that can often add fuel to the fire.

I'm not saying that your girlfriend did the right thing, or that she didn't want to stick up for you...but sometimes, there is no other way.

[wordsmith]

There are ways, though, to make a show of support without staging a confrontation then and there.

[tina1979]

As someone who has an alcoholic extended family member, it can be very difficult to stick up for someone when the offender is raging drunk. Sometimes it's just easier to stay quiet and not say anything, because that can often add fuel to the fire.

I'm not saying that your girlfriend did the right thing, or that she didn't want to stick up for you...but sometimes, there is no other way.
I wanted to agree with everyone else, but pi is right. I have some friends that when they get drunk and on a roll its easier to just sit there and listen than to say anything because it starts a huge scene that can quickly get out of hand.

What they did was totally wrong and I hate that you had to go through something like that. I can't imagine what that was like. I would talk to your gf and let her know how you feel. You don't want this to be a festering wound.

[winneythepooh7]

As someone who has an alcoholic extended family member, it can be very difficult to stick up for someone when the offender is raging drunk. Sometimes it's just easier to stay quiet and not say anything, because that can often add fuel to the fire.

I'm not saying that your girlfriend did the right thing, or that she didn't want to stick up for you...but sometimes, there is no other way.

I hear this as well. Didn't you say too that she and her mom apologized to you? I would definately not invite these people to any future family events. Unfortunately, you can pick your friends but you cannot choose your relatives. You can however choose whether or not to associate with them. I don't blame you if you choose not to attend any of their events in the future, as well.

[K-man]

That's messed up. Sorry you had to experience it -- especially in a time of celebration like Christmas.

I want to ask you though: if none of these racial comments were made by the family members, but you still knew exactly how they thought of you -- would that change the way you view her family?

Personally, I'd hate to have a family pretend to welcome me when truthfully they resent you for the color of your skin.

[and1grad]

I also would have extreme problems were my SO to not come to my defense in a situation like that.
Ditto that. Maybe its different for a woman but as a man, there's NO WAY that would slide.

[shimmer728]

How terrible. :( I'm so sorry you had to put up with this disgusting shit.

[bridgetjones]

WTF?! That was beyond rude - as if you are a bigot that would pull them over since you are dating their baby. You should talk to her. Then it is her job to talk to her family.

The ball is in her court to defend you because it is her family. In cases like these ppl get defensive bc it is her family you are talking to not to mention you are the outsider here.

[wordsmith]

Ditto that. Maybe its different for a woman but as a man, there's NO WAY that would slide.

It might be different based on gender for some, but not for me. I'm tight with my family, but I'm not remotely hesitant to speak up when they're wrong.

[yankeeyosh]

My goodness, I can't believe it's 2005 and almost 2006 and this crap is still going on. That is a terrible shame that there are still people in society who act like that, and it's dead wrong. I am terribly sorry that you had to deal with this, bruiser...I seriously hope this doesn't affect your relationship, but it's dead wrong and a crying shame that they said that garbage.

[kimmer23]

As someone who has an alcoholic extended family member, it can be very difficult to stick up for someone when the offender is raging drunk. Sometimes it's just easier to stay quiet and not say anything, because that can often add fuel to the fire.

I'm not saying that your girlfriend did the right thing, or that she didn't want to stick up for you...but sometimes, there is no other way.

she's probably just so embarassed she doesnt/didnt know what to say. its also hard for a lot of people to speak up to their elder family members. not that its right, but its just so hard sometimes to talk sense into people like this that sometimes its not even worth it. i am sorry you had to go through that. that was probably extremely uncomfortable.

[pisces2473]

she's probably just so embarassed she doesnt/didnt know what to say. its also hard for a lot of people to speak up to their elder family members. not that its right, but its just so hard sometimes to talk sense into people like this that sometimes its not even worth it. i am sorry you had to go through that. that was probably extremely uncomfortable.
Yes, that too. My uncle is a raging alcoholic and it's best to just let him go off on his crazy tangents and put downs...because if you try to stop him, it gets worse. And then god forbid anyone younger tries to speak up for themselves--they get the "I'm an elder, you respect me" crap.

Kimmer, you said exactly what I was thinking.

[and1grad]

Just cuz you're old and drunk doesnt mean you get to say whatever you want. Just sayin.

[pisces2473]

Just cuz you're old and drunk doesnt mean you get to say whatever you want. Just sayin.
MOST definitely NOT. And I'm not saying that they SHOULD get carte blanche for it.

If you haven't been in a situation like this, you have no idea how stressful and anxiety-producing it can be.

And, if you try to talk to these people when they are sober, they either don't remember saying/doing things OR they are in complete denial and won't listen to reason and it's "you're all against me" and "you don't want me to have a good time."

Believe me, I've been there.

[bridgetjones]

Yeah I'd be so mortified if my family did something like that. Then again I have a similar situation in my family where nobody likes SIL and we do get abit rude sometimes. Ok it is not racially motivated but there is a slight paralell. Then again SIL did does stuff to deserve some of it. It is rather hard for my bro to tell us to knock it off on a continuous basis in the middle of dinner when SIL offends us pretty badly on several occasions. Long story...

Anyways one time she did start going off on my parents. Ok they are not innocent but it pissed me off bc she was slagging off MY PARENTS. Yes even if I might bitch about them - I have the right bc they are MY PARENTS. Then again I have sorta resented my bro for not doing his job of sticking up for wifey AND us. It was never dealt with properly and still makes things tense.

The onus is on you to deal with your family and for her to deal with her family. If this is to work, she might start with talking to her parents who are sympathetic to you.

[lawya girl]

That REALLY sucks. I'm so sorry.

[wordsmith]

Again, you CAN stand up for your S.O. in ways that don't necessitate a direct confrontation in the moment.

In my extended family, a family member, now deceased, could not be counted on to behave appropriately, and would definitely not have been above making racists comments. Starting a family fight over it with a confrontation wasn't ever anything I felt comfortable doing, but I took a stand by disinvolving myself with close interaction with this person, just not coming around, because it wasn't comfortable for me to have racist comments thrown around and I didn't feel that I or my friends should have to deal with it. If anybody asked why, there was the answer. There ARE ways to stand up for principles without further engendering an already hostile situation. But in any case, you don't have to feel as if your hands are tied just because it's family. There are other approaches, if one seems impossible.

[kimmer23]

MOST definitely NOT. And I'm not saying that they SHOULD get carte blanche for it.

If you haven't been in a situation like this, you have no idea how stressful and anxiety-producing it can be.

And, if you try to talk to these people when they are sober, they either don't remember saying/doing things OR they are in complete denial and won't listen to reason and it's "you're all against me" and "you don't want me to have a good time."

Believe me, I've been there.


Yeah its tough AND akward. A lot of older people think its completely normal to act this way.

[wordsmith]

That doesn't mean it has to be passively tolerated or accepted.

[pisces2473]

Again, you CAN stand up for your S.O. in ways that don't necessitate a direct confrontation in the moment.

In my extended family, a family member, now deceased, could not be counted on to behave appropriately, and would definitely not have been above making racists comments. Starting a family fight over it with a confrontation wasn't ever anything I felt comfortable doing, but I took a stand by disinvolving myself with close interaction with this person, just not coming around, because it wasn't comfortable for me to have racist comments thrown around and I didn't feel that I or my friends should have to deal with it. If anybody asked why, there was the answer. There ARE ways to stand up for principles without further engendering an already hostile situation. But in any case, you don't have to feel as if your hands are tied just because it's family. There are other approaches, if one seems impossible.
Exactly. And that's why I have as little to do with my uncle as possible. In the future, Bruiser will know not to be around those relatives of his SO. At the time of this incident, there probably wasn't much that could be done, short of kicking everyone out of the house, which would have created MORE problems.

Bruiser, are you the first white BF that your GF has had? Did she know that they were THIS racist and that they would act like this? If she knew this and still invited you, I would be pissed. If she had no idea, and thought that they would hold their tongues b/c you were a guest, then I would just try to work it out and not be around these asshats anymore.

[pisces2473]

That doesn't mean it has to be passively tolerated or accepted.
Jess, what should Bruiser's GF have done then?

[wordsmith]

Right. I think how his GF acts NOW, in light of this, in regard to future gatherings, etc. will be telling.

[winneythepooh7]

Many families are just messed up, and all the shoulds and coulds and "let's talk it overs" really are not going to do a whole lot. I think the bigger question is if Bruiser is willing to deal with this if the relationship advances to the next level? If there is one thing I have learned over the years, is it is really hard for people to change their ways. Especially if they are not concious of their ways, or in denial. And if the majority of the people they hang out with, think the same, it's doubly hard to change anything..........

[wordsmith]

Jess, what should Bruiser's GF have done then?

Jen, I never said his GF should start a fight or anything like that. As I just posted, though we crossed posts, I believe that what she does in the aftermath is just as, if not more important than how she reacted or didnt' react in the moment. I said, that I'd be extremely upset if I were in that situation and my s.o. didn't come to my defense. Then people started saying that it's not so easy to come to somebody's defense when you're dealing with family politics, and that may be true in terms of "Do you expect me to cause a bigger scene right here and now?"

But as I've explained, the S.O. can still come to the person's defense, perhaps after the fact, by explaining to the family that it was appalling, and that she and he won't be involved in events in the future if that's going to be tolerated treatment. If I were Bruiser in this situation, it would be very important to me to feel that my S.O. was coming to my defense, and that doesn't have to mean making a scene.

[wordsmith]

Many families are just messed up, and all the shoulds and coulds and "let's talk it overs" really are not going to do a whole lot. I think the bigger question is if Bruiser is willing to deal with this if the relationship advances to the next level? If there is one thing I have learned over the years, is it is really hard for people to change their ways. Especially if they are not concious of their ways, or in denial. And if the majority of the people they hang out with, think the same, it's doubly hard to change anything..........

You're never going to make people change their ways. But you can certainly determine whether or not you are willing to spend time around them, if their behavior is unacceptable. A better question than "Is Bruiser willing to deal with this," is "Is his girlfriend willing to deal with this." Because she's the one in the middle, and she's the one who's caught between family dynamics and making sure her guy isn't victimized by their attitudes.

[pisces2473]

You're right, we did cross posts. Sorry if I overreacted or anything.

From what Bruiser described, even if his GF tries to explain how they felt, it won't be handled well. I know in my family, it wouldn't. Even if my uncle were to ask me why I keep my distance or whatever...and I were to tell him the truth...he wouldn't believe me OR he would make me feel horrible about my answer. That alone is anxiety-producing.

[winneythepooh7]

You're never going to make people change their ways. But you can certainly determine whether or not you are willing to spend time around them, if their behavior is unacceptable. A better question than "Is Bruiser willing to deal with this," is "Is his girlfriend willing to deal with this." Because she's the one in the middle, and she's the one who's caught between family dynamics and making sure her guy isn't victimized by their attitudes.

Yes, but as I stated, he also needs to decide if he wants to deal with this for the long-haul, because it sounds like it is always going to be an issue, and she will always be put between her family and him. It is not an easy situation all around. Because at the same time, then it is like he is seeking for her to act a certain way. You can apologize for your family's behavior, but it is not the girlfriend who behaved this way. They (the family) should be responsible for their actions. Getting pissed off at her because they are the way they are is not the heart of the problem, nor is it the solution.

[pisces2473]

At least it was the extended family...and not her immediate family. Not that it should be a huge relief...but having someone's cousin or uncle not like me is not as bad as someone's PARENT not liking me. Hopefully the GF doesn't have to see her extended family that often and can slowly drift away...

[wordsmith]

Yes, but as I stated, he also needs to decide if he wants to deal with this for the long-haul, because it sounds like it is always going to be an issue, and she will always be put between her family and him. It is not an easy situation all around. Because at the same time, then it is like he is seeking for her to act a certain way. You can apologize for your family's behavior, but it is not the girlfriend who behaved this way. They (the family) should be responsible for their actions. Getting pissed off at her because they are the way they are is not the heart of the problem, nor is it the solution.

I agree that getting pissed AT HER for her relatives' actions is stupid. She's not responsible. She's only responsible for how she reacts to it. And if it were me, and my S.O. didn't react in a way that made me feel championed or supported, I would have a huge problem with it. It's not an easy situation, but sometimes you have to take a stand when someone's in the wrong, family or no. That would be her choice to do in this situation, and I'm saying I hope for his sake that she does, whatever form that stance needs to take. I think he's totally justified in seeking for her to act a certain way, if their behavior is inacceptable. In matters like this, it totally comes down to taking a stand for what's right, what you believe in. Family behaivior isn't always acceptable just becaue they're family. I can't imagine turning a blind eye, and I'd expect an S.O. to be hurt if I did. Not that the GF in this scenario is doing that, these are all hypotheticals. Bruiser never said she turned a blind eye. I was just saying he'd be right to be hurt if she did.


P.S. yeah, Jen, I figured we crossed posts.

[pisces2473]

Bruiser, come back! We want to know more about this situation!

[winneythepooh7]

Bruiser, come back! We want to know more about this situation!

Agreed. Come back. We need more of your real-life input.

[Deavan]

WOW I am stunned that this happened to you! Kind of a double standard in my opinion... because if the opposite had occured I am sure nobody in that family would of let that go silently.

[hellboy]

That Sucks!
Just because you got sprayed by a skunk doesnt mean you have to chase it and piss on it. Let your gf know how you feel and move on. It takes some time for the smell to go away. But it will.

[jdt141]

I know that you're not dating the family... but yikes. That's awful - nobody should have to put up with that.

I would be concerned about moving forward with this relationship, depending on where you are. If you were thinking about popping THE question...hmmmmm. You will see these people again if yinz get hitched. But you're not marrying her family. Tough call.... :neutral:

[3point1four]

I was on a basically all black coaching staff when I coached college football. The racism that comes out because some black people think it's OK for them to be an ass to white people when they are the majority is simply awful. I was bitched around so much and harrassed so much that I left the job. It wasn't the main reason I left, but it was the biggest reason besides lack of money. If I felt welcomed on that staff I would have stayed and made ends meet somehow.

I can't even imagine what it would be like if I was dating a black girl and her family treated me like my old staff used to treat me.

Of course, there is the other side which proves that is not the way it always has to be. When I was playing pro football, I was one of the only white guys on the team. Most of the guys on my squad were predominantly black areas. I often got comments about how I was one of the first white guys that they've ever enjoyed hanging out with. I don't try to fit in, I just act like myself. If they are nice, like my teammates were, then you are just another guy on the team (not the white guy on the team). If they are assholes like the old staff I worked with, then you are the white guy on the staff.

If that was the first time you've met them, it might change over time. If this is always how they are to you, then I'm sorry, but get out of that relationship

[Bugsey34]

That sucks, Bruiser, I can't believe that happened to you, and you didn't see it coming.

I agree with Words that the onus is on your girlfriend to deal with this, and stand up for you, and make you feel like she defended you in your time of need. I don't know what I would do in this situation, and it's impossible to say what she should have done since none of us was there to hear the details, but you definitely need to feel OK after this problem in order for your relationship to continue well.

[Jedi of Zen]

I can only echo what others have already said. No one should have to go thru something like that. I thought about this kind of situation for a moment and considered that perhaps next time those family members (if there is a next time) start making racist jokes, you could always play it up and joke along with them. You know...just laugh with them and make stupid comments like "Yeah, it's about time you n*****s had to sit down and have dinner with a white man!" But...I would highly discourage this approach, as this could quite easily turn the situation into an even bigger disaster. And it shouldn't have to even get to that point regardless.

[week2week]

aversion to conflict is appropriate in some scenarios. this is not one of them. something like that should be nipped in the ass right from the start. you should have stuck a fork in someone's eye. i'd be infuriated if my gf didn't speak up. i'd be even more shocked if her mother, someone who i felt i could rely on, didn't speak up. that's total bullshit.

[old_school_soul]

Well fuck it. If my SO is not going to stand up for ME, I would do it on myself. I would've told all of them to fuck off and walk out the house. Your SO is going to have little chance to change middle-aged people's attitudes on race because you are an interracial couple. They aren't going to change for that.

[Bruiser]

Bruiser, are you the first white BF that your GF has had? Did she know that they were THIS racist and that they would act like this? If she knew this and still invited you, I would be pissed. If she had no idea, and thought that they would hold their tongues b/c you were a guest, then I would just try to work it out and not be around these asshats anymore.

We started talking things out last night. He (the instigator) wasn't supposed to be there, but were supposed to be there because grandma invited us. So its not like she threw me into the fire on purpose. Most of her aunts are nice, I met them all on another occasion. It is just the male members of her family, sans her brother. I told her that I don't care much for her uncles and cousins, and to not invite me to any future family functions if any of them will be around. She agreed. It sucks because I'm going to have to skip her brother's wedding, but I'm not going to put myself in that situation again.

I would like an apology from them, but I don't expect one, given their complete lack of decency and respect.

There's nothing between my gf and I over this; we still had a great time the day after Christmas, and sightseeing around NYC yesterday. I'm not the first white guy she's ever dated, but she didn't bring him home to meet the family.

[Bruiser]

Bruiser, come back! We want to know more about this situation!

Sorry. I played hooky from work for the rest of the day and got home late. :)

[J-girl]

Why wouldnt you go to the brother's wedding? I would totally go if I were you and cause a scene.

[shimmer728]

Why wouldnt you go to the brother's wedding? I would totally go if I were you and cause a scene.

That would be pretty unfair to the bride and groom.

[old_school_soul]

That would be pretty unfair to the bride and groom.

I disagree. He wouldn't be causing the scene unless the ignorant attitudes of the relatives came to light, and that would be on those that started it. I say if the brother invites you to the wedding, you go. That is HIS decision to make.

[shimmer728]

Well, of course it would be the bigoted relatives who started it, but that doesn't change the fact that there still could be this big nasty scene at the brother's wedding. That would really suck.

[old_school_soul]

Well, of course it would be the bigoted relatives who started it, but that doesn't change the fact that there still could be this big nasty scene at the brother's wedding. That would really suck.

But the brother has witnessed firsthand the bigotry, and if he sends an invite to the bigot(s) and Bruiser, then he understands the possibility of a conflict. Fuck it if I'm going to not show up somewhere because someone else is an asshole and I'm scared of them. I don't care if it's a damn funeral. If someone wants you to be there, you go!

[kimmer23]

maybe go to the wedding and avoid the nasty uncle? if its a big wedding, i am sure it can be done. ask to be seated as far away from this guy as possible!

[dengeist]

I tried to avoid this one since something very similar was happening to me last summer. It's like ripping a band-aid off. :mad:

I have to say you do have to talk about it with your girlfriend and not just once, but several times. It doesn't seem like she was adding to this, but it doesn't help that she didn't stop it either. So a few discussions are definitely in order.

There's two things you can do. The first is, make him stop by confronting him and using logic to defeat his argument. It could get ugly if you say the wrong thing or more family members come over to his side. The other thing is you can just let it go and hope he comes to his senses. The uncle may never come to his senses and do it every time he sees you.

He may just be (no he definitely is) an asshole. He may do this to every guy, black or white that other female members of the family bring to family events. It may come down to you having to stand alone on this.

[wordsmith]

There's no way I would go anywhere near people who treated me that way.

[J-girl]

I totally would go near them all the time. What are they gonna do? I am not letting some illeterate bigot stop me from being the love of my life. He/she can kiss my brown ass for all I care.

[wordsmith]

Just me. My pride...I won't place myself anywhere near people like that and give them the pleasure of insulting me. I'm too good to be around that.

[wordsmith]

Yeah, it's just different ways of looking at the same thing, I guess. You see avoiding the situation as coming off as scared off and hiding from bullies. I see it as maintaining dignity and not giving people the opportunity to insult me, preemptively snubbing THEM. Both ways of looking at it are equally valid.

[dengeist]

See, the thing with avoiding the uncle is, case in point, he could show up randomly, be invited by someone who is unaware of the situation or Bruiser being invited somewhere randomly where the uncle is. I don't think this is a situation where being quiet necessarily proves "who's the better person." I feel some well placed humor, making the uncle look and feel like an idiot would work best.

I think it was cool of the brother to invite Bruiser to his wedding and it was a big gesture. I would go.

[tina1979]

I think it was cool of the brother to invite Bruiser to his wedding and it was a big gesture. I would go.
I have to agree with this. Also I am sure the brother is aware of the situation and will take all steps to make sure things go as smoothly as possible.

[dengeist]

Yeah, I don't think the brother is going to sit the uncle at Bruiser's table. He'll probably have a talk with the uncle along the lines of "Don't ruin my day with your bulls&%#....."

I'm pretty sure the uncle is one of those people that will make an ass of himself regardless of the situation or who is there.