marriage-phobic boyfriend

[meri78]

hey guys-i thought i'd create a new thread to see if anyone else is having the same problem. i am at my wit's end w/my boyfriend. we have been dating 2 & a 1/2 year, i am more than ready to get married, and he is not even close. he told me last week that he wants to wait at least another 2 years to get married(which i think could turn into 3 or 4) and all of this is starting to make me wonder if i'm w/the right guy. i've told him that we need to take a "break" and he seemed really upset but i've got to figure out if this is the right relationship for me. please help! i would really like to hear back from some guys(girls too!) about this!! thanks!!!

p.s. i'm 25 & he's 24, case you were wondering!!

-meri

[tipsy88]

what's the reason for his waiting? Also you mentioned his apprehensiveness is causing you to re-evaluate whether he is the "right" guy, why is that? Is is simply because he is unwilling to consider marriage with you at this point, or is there something more to it?

You seem to indicate you two are completely opposite from a marriage standard, why the difference between you two?

[Benwa]

I've never understood the obsession women have with getting married. I honestly believe most women want a wedding and not necassarily marriage. Weddings and marriages have become some mythical fairy tail. Little girls wrap a pillowcase around their head and pretend its their wedding. Prince Charming rides up and saves from whatever is chronically haunting. Please! Not to sound too cynical, but prince charming is a fabled story. Why not build a gingerbread house and lure little fat children into your stove. Or maybe you can trade your cow for some magic beans and climb the beanstalk.

I'm not saying marriage is a bad thing, I just can't stand this obsession with it. Fact is alot of people have no business getting married and to do it just because you've been going out with a person for X amount of time is silly. Maybe you two would be a good married couple. And you should probable voice your concerns. But do not guilt him or make him feel trapped into it in anyway. You want him to be certain don't you? And if he doesn't want to then I say, so what. If you end up leaving him for it, than that shows that being married was more important than being with him. Take this seriously. Be sure of your motives for wanting this. Make sure you aren't just trying to meet the status quo gold standard (get a job, meet person X, get married, have kids, become a soccer mom and live happily ever after). And in case anyone was wondering, my parents have been married for 25 years (just incase you may think I'm an angry victim of a divorce.)

[meri78]

tipsy-he says that he wants to wait b/c he always imagined himself being older when he got married. to me, this sounds like a poor excuse but maybe it makes since to a guy. i basically think that at this point in my life i am just ready to get married and start a family, and he is not. so i don't know what to do. :( hopefully, during our "break" i will get some things figured out. all of this is causing me to question whether or not he is the right guy b/c i've been getting some signs(for quite some time) that he may not be. i think i've just been blind to them or trying not to see them. but now i have time to evaluate things so hopefully, i can get all this crap-pardon my french-straightened out. thanks for listening. -meri

[meri78]

p.s. i don't think that just b/c you've been dating someone for x amount of time you should get married. i just think that after a certain point you either have to move forward w/the relationship or seriously consider whether it is right for you, in the long run. but maybe that's just me. :) -meri

[jku]

Marriage is a BIG decision. A few questions:
What kind of work does your boyfriend do?
In the event of kids, could you afford it?
Are you planning to get a house?
Student loans?

When you're 24 and planning to get married, what you're really asking him to do it GROW UP.
In a society where college is the new High School,
men have a much longer "maturation" period aka extended adolescense.

[coll214]

Meri- i think what you said is reasonable; if you're really that ready for marriage and he's not even close, then maybe it's time to re-evaluate the relationship a little....you mentioned there are other small signs that have been creeping up on you, could it be that the marriage q is just the most obvious one? is that what made you notice the other things?

and benwa-i am an angry, bitter victim of divorce and i'm still not opposed to marriage!! I'll just be more cautious going into a marriage than most...

[pisces2473]

Originally posted by jku
When you're 24 and planning to get married, what you're really asking him to do it GROW UP.
In a society where college is the new High School,
men have a much longer "maturation" period aka extended adolescense.

WONDERFUL. Now women will have to wait longer than ever to settle down...I'm ready for a serious relationship (not necessarily get married, just date exclusively) and guys still want to just screw around.

[coll214]

That's why you have to date older guys ;) !!

[jku]

To me, its simply a question of finances as well as reaching a point of maturity where I feel the person I'm with is right for me, and ignoring all the mixed messages in our society.

A lot of guys have a hard time settling - the "grass is greener" feeling is always present.

Guys want to be Ashton Kutcher and have sex with Demi Moore and that other woman from 8 Mile at the same time. Its a false reality presented in the media that has in some part to do with it.

I think working in TV has done so much for me.
Meeting all these media/pop culture icons has given me the understanding that its all bullshit.
These women aren't the same away from a camera with no make-up. They're normal people with abnormal jobs. Often times they seem so damaged by it all. Something wholesome inside them has been sold, packaged, and distributed en masse.

They play the role of socially permitted sexual lightning rods for men's collective id.

Thus a nice, NORMAL woman becomes all the more appealing.

Maybe your boyfriend should read this? It might help him?

[pisces2473]

Oh Coll...I wish an older guy WAS the answer...but I tried that and he just wanted to get me into bed! But there were other issues that made him not cool too... :(

[coll214]

I know, i know....He just wasn't a good one...but think, now you have at least an interesting story to tell :D !! I'm trying for the silver lining in there somewhere....

[pisces2473]

Originally posted by coll214
I know, i know....He just wasn't a good one...but think, now you have at least an interesting story to tell :D !! I'm trying for the silver lining in there somewhere....

Interesting story to tell!?!?! HAHAHA

It's a story, all right... :twisted:

Actually, I was able to make some sense out of what he did and said...and why. But now I'm afraid that every guy I meet that likes me will be like him. :confused:

[tipsy88]

he says that he wants to wait b/c he always imagined himself being older when he got married. to me, this sounds like a poor excuse

Since you've known him for quite some time would it be out of character for him to use it as an excuse?

There are two things about being evasive with marriage (i.e. not giving straight answers) first, maybe truly the other person doesn't really know (thus being evasive) yet that person should just be straight up in the first place.

Second if its for some other reason, then its quite shady. I think for any relationship to work (especially marriage) open communication is a must.

If your boyfriend falls in the first category i wouldn't be so quick to discredit him. He may not fully know whether he wants to marry you at this point in his life, but that doesn't mean you should give up if this is the "right" guy for you. It just may take some time and communication of his needs and you needs and a comprimise by both.

If your boyfriend falls in the second category, then he becomes questionable. Is his evasive because he likes the relationship where it is without the commitment of mariage (i.e. the benefits of marriage without the responsiblity)?

Finally, as a guy I would have to relate to what he says. Marriage is a big thing that encompasses thousands of years of social evolution. Part of me thinks he's not giving you a poor excuse, but in fact he may not feel comfortable in the insitution of marriage at the age of 24.

Part of the reason i think guys feel this way is the because of how society still assigns men as for most or all of the responsibility for providing for a family. For anyone to seriously think about marriage knowing that you owe your wife an future kids an obligation to provide for them, it may just be a bit scary for some to swallow at 24.

(This is not to say woman don't share this same responsiblity, but i would be incline to say a minority of the population of women enjoy greater responsibility for providing for the family, while the majority of the population of men are still taking this role)

I say all of this because I have flirted with the possibility of marriage with my girlfriend. I'm 23 and she is 20, and while both fo us aren't serious about it yet, she will definately want to get married as some point in the next 3 years. I know this and so even though we flirt with the idea of being married, I think about it from the standpoint of where i am now, and where i want to be in the 3-7 years. And in evaulating where I am in my life now, i would ahve to conclude that if I were to get married now at 23, i feel it wouldn't be fair for my girlfriend, because i wouldn't be ready to handle that responsibility of being a husband, even if she was totally ready to be my wife. Perhaps your boyfriend feels the same way.

One last thing, you mentioned you have been reading into "signs" that may be indicating your bf is not good for you, i would ask what kind of signs have you been receiving?

[coll214]

Try not to think like that jen,they all aren't like that ... I've known some of those losers too!! You could start shipping the guys in from overseas (worked for one of my friends, anyway!)!! LOL

[pisces2473]

I know...or at least that's what everyone says (they aren't all like that). Can we move these posts to a new thread? LOL

It just seems like any guy who's ever showed ANY interest in me--it's always been about "that thing" (thank you Lauryn Hill, lol). No one ever just wanted to be my friend and just hang out with me.

[coll214]

they probally should be...they don't have much to do w/ the marriage phobic b/f at the moment..lol

[pisces2473]

Yeah I feel bad...Sorry Meri! :eek:

[meri78]

thank you everyone! your comments have made me laugh and are helping to make some sense out of all this madness. LOVE THE EXTENDED ADOLESCENCE(COLLEGE) QUOTE-definitely sad but true. why is marriage viewed as so repulsive? the way i see it is that my b-friend and i have been dating so long that we're practically married. we spend so much time together that i don't really think it would be that different if we had the rings on our fingers. to answer some of your questions, he does have a stable job, we both have student loans(but also jobs-thank goodness!), & we don't want a house right away-a small apartment would be find for now. the other "issues" that have been bothering me include his lack of ambition, partial laziness, and infrequent arrogance towards things that really matter to me...such as this! basically, personal characteristics of his that i can never change. :( any more advice would be welcome but you guys have been very helpful-i think he does need to read this!! :)

-meri

[red]

meri,
i think 24 and 25 is pretty young to get married. (i am getting married in a month, i am 25 and i still say that 25 is young)
i think you really need to consider why marriage is so important to you right now. would you be willing to compromise, say have a long engagement, etc?
(i am speaking only of your bf's aversion to marriage here and not the other issues you brought up) but maybe he just isn't ready. he is only 24- maybe he sees it like "if she is really the one for me, then why won't she wait?" there are a lot of pressures on a guy, and while they are different from the challenges women face, they are no less difficult.
my bf was ready to get married before i was (he is 8 years older than me) and we agreed to move in together for a year and see how things went (this was my idea). i now feel totally confident that we can make things work no matter what, and i know he is the right one for me. we had a short engagement (his idea) and we are not having a big stupid wedding (my idea).
that being said, and this is somewhat tangental but hang in there with me, he was laid off a few weeks ago. and his attitde towards being married like totally changed. he's been totally down on himself and we had a huge talk this weekend about things, and he was saying he doesn't feel right standing up in front of people when he doesn't have a job, and he feels so ashamed, etc. i mean, if i was laid off, i would laugh and it would be no big deal, but part of marriage (or a good marriage anyways) is being able to see a situation from the other person's perspective. so even if i say "as long as we're healthy, nothing else matters" that doesn't change the fact that he was proud of his work, and it had a profound effect on his self-worth.
so while you might not think that "thinking he would be older" is a good reason, maybe you need to talk about it more. i agree that at a certain point, if the relationship isn't moving forward, then you have to move on, i just don't know if 25 is that point...
good luck with things. i hope things work out for the best for you!
(oh and benwa, i totally agree- and women don't just fantasize about their wedding, but about the wedding of any related female...)

[pisces2473]

Originally posted by red
(oh and benwa, i totally agree- and women don't just fantasize about their wedding, but about the wedding of any related female...)

And their friends and their co-workers....etc etc etc

[tipsy88]

what was it that attracted you to him in the first place? you mention some "issues" were lack of ambition and partial laziness. Were these characteristics always apparent from the beginning or have you just recently realized them? Anytime people are invovled with someone for a long time, there are going to be periods of waning intensity in the relationship, maybe even a partially bit of degregation. Maybe it's causing by external/internal pressures, maybe something has changed in their life or maybe its simply either one or both parties have become so used to their life and everything in it that they find the same things unattractive or unappealing.

Even if these characteristics have always been readily apparently rather than recently discovered, the fact that you seems to indicate that these issues have been bugging you recently may be due to a reaction from another one of his behavior that is truly bothering you. Perhaps this marriage issue and his levity about it is something that you two need to work out so that he understands how you feel and how his behavior affects you. If he truly wants to be with you in the end, he should be receptive to your needs as you should be to his.

hope that helps!

[meri78]

so much advice-you all are so helpful! :) i definitely think that he & i need to talk more about the situation. the problem is i'm not ready to talk now b/c i'm afraid i'll get roped back into the relationship w/o resolving any of our "issues." i noticed most of these issues from the very beginning; however, i am not out to change my boyfriend and i do accept him, for the most part, for who he is. my problem now is w/this whole marriage-engagement thing i'm starting to think long-term and in the long run, some of these things may drive me crazy!! :( i guess i just need to figure out whether or not he and i can make it as a couple for the next 50 years or so-scary! anyways, thanks for sharing your story, red and i will take your advice of talking to him, when i'm ready. tipsy, as always, you're a big help too! i hope i can figure this out soon...it's making me CRAZY!!

-meri :)

[meri78]

p.s. i have to continue this...ALL WOMEN FANTASIZE ABOUT THEIR WEDDING DAY! even if they don't have a boyfriend at the time! :) they envision how things will look, who will be there, etc. WOMEN LOVE WEDDINGS, DARNIT!! :)

p.p.s. i went wedding dress shopping w/one of my girlfriends last night who's engaged & i was actually totally cool w/it. weird-maybe i'm not as ready to get married as i thought!!

-meri

[seren1411]

meri,

did you TRY wedding dresses while you were shopping, though?

Lol


p.s. I think I'm really bad at being female - I really DON'T have wedding fantasies (more like nightmares). :eek:
Except that when a friend went wedding dress shopping a couple of years ago, there was this one dress...

[meri78]

seren-no, but i wanted to. :) i did get to try on a potential bridesmaid's dress, though, and it was not that ugly! i think my friend is going to have mercy on me & the other bridesmaids.

p.s. just in case anyone was wondering, i did see a lot of "older" (past 30) women trying on gowns so i think there's hope for us all someday-tee-hee! :) :)

-meri

[pisces2473]

Meri--you are right, ALL women do fantasize about their wedding day! I hope all of us realize that it's only just a day and it should be a statement about the commitment you are making for the rest of your life. Parties are fun, but they come to an end.

Oh there is hope for all of us...my aunt was 47 when she got married for the FIRST time and this was the first guy I had ever seen her date in my lifetime (I was almost 20 when they got married).

:)

[coll214]

I'd have to say most women have at least had a fleeting thought of their wedding, - whether it be a dress, the ceremony, the groom :p to be wherever he is....

[pisces2473]

I've had dreams about my wedding. What I'd be wearing, who'd be at the church, etc...I'm walking up the aisle, and there's my groom...only I can't see his face!

Perhaps it's a good sign...which means there is a wedding in my future...but I don't know HIM yet ;)

[libscigrl]

I didn't grow up dreaming about weddings--I'd always thought I'd rather have a good marriage and didn't want to get too caught up in that one night. But since being with a boyfriend that sooo close to marriage material (but probably won't work out) I have caught myself thinking about it a few times. There were times when he told me that he wanted to propose in the next few months and I let myself dream, write a guest list, even looked online at dresses once.

But yeah, weddings are one thing, and marriage is another. Sometimes I think I'll never get married or that if I do I won't be able to have more than the very basics. Other times I worry that even if I had a really big beautiful wedding the marriage wouldn't last.

Anyway, as per Meri's dilemna...easier (oh so much easier) said than done...I think it's possible that you two may just want different things right now, and you may have to decide if that's ok with you. Not that you don't love e/o, but if you're really ready for marriage and he's not, it may be best to say "Hey, I love you, but it seems we just want different things right now" and move on. If his love outweighs his marriage-phobia, maybe he'll act on that. Or maybe not. I do think it may be worth a try to see if he might be interested in a long engagement or trying to get a better idea of how serious he is about eventually getting married. I'm certainly not saying a 24 yr old should be ready--it is still prety young, esp. for a guy. And also, I know I could prolly take a dose of my own meds--I'm in a slightly similar situation, but that's a whole 'nuther story. Whatever you do, I wish you the best :)

[meri78]

libscigrl-it sounds like you and i need to talk! :) i went and talked to my folks about my "situation" tonight and thankfully, they are 100% behind my decision to take a "break." my dad basically thinks he's an idiot(so do all my friends) but they understand that i love him & i would like for things to work out between us. i've decided that this break is a good thing for us, though it's breaking my heart in a lot of ways. :( luckily, i've come to the conclusion that if he loves me, he'll marry me & if not my life will go on. i definitely think it's possible for 2 people to be in love but at different points in their lives. i don't know-we'll see what happens! thanks everyone for all of your advice & comments!

p.s. my girlfriend's fiance stopped by my desk at work today(we work at the same place) & showed me a picture of a wedding dress. he wanted to know if it was the one his fiance is so in love with-we looked at dresses the other night-so he could go and buy it for her as a surprise. WHY CAN'T I HAVE A MAN LIKE THAT??!! j/k!!

-meri :)