new city, new life - sucks

[RedHead1420]

Here's my question to everyone -

What do you do when you move to a new city - so picture this, new city, new job, new apartment, new... oh wait, you don't know anyone here, so no new friends. What do you guys do in this situation? All the people I work with are older, married, most have kids; I've never been super-outgoing when I'm alone, so what do you do to meet people and make new friends?

[pisces2473]

I've been there and I know exactly how you are feeling. It was part of the reason I left and went back to my hometown (there were other reasons too...). I did have an aunt and a friend from HS nearby, but they were working full time and had lives of their own. I was a grad student who didn't know anyone--everyone at school was older, worked full time and went to school part time or wasn't social. It was SO hard and most of the time I would feel miserable. I did hang out with my aunt or my friend a lot and if there was ANY kind of social thing with the students at school I would jump at it.

Do you go to a gym and if so, do they offer group classes? Like spinning, power yoga, step, etc.

How about volunteering? I know it can be hard when you are in a new city and don't know where to look, but maybe you can ask people at work...or check out the paper for places--my papers have a volunteers needed section with numbers and information.

If you do church, you could do that...although a lot of churches have families and older people--just what you DON'T need.

A fun class can be a good way to meet people as well. Yoga, pottery, etc.

Does your college's alumni organization have a chapter in your area? Even smaller schools have them all around.

I'm sure a lot of people are telling you these types of things to try...and I'm sure you're like, Yeah whatever. I was like that, and I didn't try anything. But maybe you are more adventurous than me! Good luck and keep us posted!

[gracieTx]

I've been there. I was never that outgoing and found it hard to make friends. Honestly, it took me two years before I felt comfortable here, i.e. met people I actually care about. Plus, it wasn't until this summer when I realized I actually liked it in this city--the same city I used to despise and want desparately to leave.

It takes determination on your part to get out of your apartment and make things happen. I agree with the others...find something you like to do, do it, and you'll find others that you have things in common with. One great thing is that in the three years I've been here, I feel I've really been able to "find myself" as you might say. Take advantage of it.

[Tearbear]

Dont know how old your message is. But i am experiencing the same thing. Just moved to an area where I don'tknow a soul. Some people at work are my age, but they have their own lives. I am involved in some different outdoors groups, but the people are either twice my age, or you don't see them for a long while. Im trying to get started on some volunteer activities to boost my social life. Don't know what the solution is.....persistence I suppose. Let me know how you make out with things

[Tearbear]

maybe we could commisersate sometime?!

[RedHead1420]

Here's my little update.

The worst part now is not the lack of a social life, it's my friends and family who are starting to "feel bad" for me because I haven't "made any friends." The last thing in the world that I want is pity!

Yes, it's hard to go from an environment where you have lots of friends to one where you have zero or few. And I know that people have the best of intentions, but I have one "friend" in particular who calls about once a week just to "check on me" and see "how I'm doing." I just want to scream, "YES! It's a big blow to my ego to suddenly not have the ability to make friends, but stop feeling sorry for me!" That is the worst.

The second hardest part is when you keep trying to do things and get nowhere. I tried volunteering with one organization and they replied right away, but wanted me to come to one of two events that they were going to be at to talk to them, neither of which I was able to go to for various reasons. Then there was the youth shelter which said they wanted help, but never got back to me after a couple phone calls and emails. I bought a new mountain bike hoping that that would get me active and meet people, then it started raining (this was almost a month ago) and hasn't stopped since, so all trails and evens are closed because most of the trails are flooded. How does one deal with constant rejection.

I sheepishly admit to joining an on-line dating service. That has produced zero results as well, a few creepy guys wanted to chat, which I respectifully declined. The whole idea kind of weirds me out anyway, I'm all alone in a new city and I'm going to go meet some random guy who is on a dating service? Yikes. Scary.

QLC support groups apparently aren't in my area, so... here I sit!

I'm sure it'll get better. Just need more time. Right?

[lostindc]

Redhead,

I'm also a computer programmer and living in a new city (actually I have been here 3 years but have about the same number of friends in the area since I moved here - that would be none) Sometimes I feel like I spend more time communicating with (or through) machines (like now) than anything else. Sometimes it seems that half my phone calls come from machines trying to sell me something and when I call out I wind up getting a voice mail system. It get quite lonely from sitting in front of computer all day at work to not having anyone to meet afterwards.

I have tried online dating (met several people but nothing past the second date), speed dating, singles activities, young professional activities (including several DC scavenger hunts). And while some of these events are a lot of fun I found it really hard to translate that into meaningful friendships.

[RedHead1420]

ahh so does this mean that life is always going to be this way??

[curious-person]

I got tired of the solemn graduate school life a few years ago and started taking salsa dancing lessons. It was a great way to meet women and to get to know some very interesting people. I also play in some jazz groups and play softball. I still believe that the best advice is to pursue your interests because you'll encounter people who have similar interests.

[pisces2473]

Exactly! I enjoy posting on here and bitching about Yale and so does Coll...and we're friends now. We met via QLC, which is a common interest...LOL :twisted:

[JennyRee]

Hi RedHead. I'm actually from Cary, NC but I'm in the process of moving to VA Beach. So... I am going thru exactly what you're going thru. But, I was just going to suggest a few things that might help you out. You could look into joining the YMCA. I'm not sure which part of Raleigh you're in but the Cary Y would be a great place to join. If you get involved in some of their workout classes (biking, yoga, trekking) you will definitely run into a lot of the same people over and over again. It's a good way to start up some relationships. The Y also sponsors a ton of activities where you could meet people.

I've seen some of your other posts and I assume that you're working for some big company like in RTP or at SAS? Anyways, I know that alot of those companies have sports teams you could join. I know people who play softball or basketball for companies like IBM and Nortel. If you're not into sports/working out then sorry that I'm way off target :-).

I recently read that Raleigh was like 16th nationwide for singles nightlife/cultural activities. So, keep your eyes peeled. There are tons of single 20 somethings lurking around the city. Good luck!

[paperjam1015]

Wow all the people from NC are here...

I'm going through the same stuff... Today I'm sitting here watching movies, listening to my dog bark in his sleep (which is actually pretty entertaining) b/c I didn't feel like going anywhere, at least not by myself. At first it was empowering to do go places alone, now it's just...well...lonely.

[RedHead1420]

It's interesting for me to look back at this post now and all of the replies. Now I've been in NC almost three months. Last weekend I went back to school for a visist and was actually looking forward to coming back to NC by the end! (but of course, those reasons as a competely different story.... oh the drama of a b/f a 3 years and house where 18 girls live together - yikes) Anyway, I think that at this point I have more or less resigned myself to the fact that I'm going to work a lot and not do much else. I guess in a way I've given up on making good friends here because every attempt seemed to get shot down and I'm sick of the rejection. However, I have learned to value doing some things on my own and enjoy them. Most importantly I have learned what it's like to leave the safety of college life and move out into the "real world". But perhaps overall, the most important thing that my personal experience has taught me, was that taking a job just because of money is the wrong decision. To me anyway, it's not worth it to take a job, make money, have an apartment, whatever, if you're not happy with your life. I now know what I will not move to a place that I don't want to live, even if it's just the climate or the part of the country. When I *finally* get done with school and move on to either grad school or a "real" job, I won't take one just to have a job, even if it means being poor and living at home, I'd rather be in a place in my life where I'm happy, where I have friends, and where I like living because you can have all the money in the world, but if you're not happy with your life, all the money in the world isn't going to change that.

[tipsy88]

so are you saying that if you had friends your life would be happy, regardless of your money situation?

[RedHead1420]

Well, before I moved here I had very little money, was working 2 crappy summer jobs, and was having the best summer of my life - I was ridiculously happy.

Now I'm here, I have money, have a nice apartment, don't have to dig for change in the seats of my car for gas, and I'm perfectly miserable.

That's all I'm saying, is that money isnt everything.

[tipsy88]

hey i'm just curious but do you work for IBM? I had a friend that worked down in the triangle and he said when he was interning it was like a college atmosphere down there, although i guess things can be different once you go full time. I've heard north carolina in genereal is great for young people, supposedly there ar a lot of young people there, whereas up in dc where i am everyone is all government, or military, old married with 3.2 kids. try finding some 20 somethings there.

[RedHead1420]

Yup, i do work for IBM. I think that if you get in with a group of friends, this could be a cool place to be, beacuse there are three major universities right here and a couple minor ones as well, but it's getting to that point of meeting people where I seem to have hit a roadblock. The company does have a co-op program where co-ops can meet each other, but my experiences with it haven't been so great, since I started in the middle of the summer I missed most of the events. So apparently this could be a really cool place to live, but my experience hasn't shown me that yet. But it's comforting to know that other people here don't seem to have my problem... ha, not so much!

[jpross]

I just found this site yesterday, and seriously I thought I was the only one in my situation. I graduated from college in Florida (UF) and found a job in PA. I have been here for almost a year and I have not been able to develop any strong friendships. I have met a lot of people up here, all really nice, but all of them are much older than myself, so it is really not the same. I would have never imagine it being so hard to meet new people. In school it was so much easier. I joined a gym recently, and I like working out and stuff, but meeting people my age is something else in this town. I do have a couple friends my age (they are bf and gf), but i feel like i am intruding into their lives when we go out together. I feel it is at least good to vent some of these feelings in a forum like this.

Any advice?

Thanks for listening!

[ash]

At first it was empowering to do go places alone, now it's just...well...lonely. [/B]

this is exactly where i am now. i'm not opposed to doing things solo. actually, sometimes i'd rather do things alone. but not having an option sucks. "the empowered independent" thing is getting old.

i was lucky in that my first few years of post-college were good. lots of old friends working in the same city. then i moved to a place i hardly know anyone. for the first time in my life, i'm faced with the challenge of making friends. :googly: and i refuse to do the online thing or place an ad.

[Zuljin]

I guess you just to find those activities you enjoy, or volunteer...even if you don't meet people, you still enjoy on what you do...it also keeps yourself and your mind occupy...like aerobic and group workout are fun and it keeps you in shape too...

yeah, I can second what tipsy88 said about DC being a tough city...sure there are places that you can meet someone your age but then you have to yell on top of your lungs just to have a conversation most of those places...plus you'll go deaf too...

eventhough I'm not new to this city, I still can't find some people to hang out with...I work at a place mostly consist of married or mid-30's and up...I even tried the DC Young Professional group that lostindc mentioned a couple time...find that the event mainly consist of 30-40 year old...on the other hands, I do enjoy some of their outdoor events...gonna go to shoot paintball with them earlier next month...that's always fun for me...

[lostindc]

I don't know why but DC is a very tough city to meet people - especially given that I have been here 3 yrs with limited success.

I find that the dcyoungpro events to be very much a mixed bag. The outdoor/competetive events tend to attract a younger crowd and are fun. I find their scavenger hunts to be a lot of fun. They also have some under 25 events which can be good for meeting other 20somethings. Most of their other events I don't tend to go to though.

I also find many of their events to be overpriced. $10 - $20 cover to get into a bar that normally has no cover (and no live music) on a thursday night is a bit excessive. (No I am not affilated dcyoungpro besides getting their emails and possibly attending an event or 2 in any given month)

[pisces2473]

Wow, I'm glad I read this thread...b/c so many people are telling me that DC is the hot spot for young people! I was thinking about looking at grad schools in the area...maybe I'll rethink this...

[joneshen]

I also find many of their events to be overpriced. $10 - $20 cover to get into a bar that normally has no cover (and no live music) on a thursday night is a bit excessive.

word to that! i could say that about some of the events that the local penn club and the square have too. i'm not down with paying those kind of cover charges too, especially if food is not included.

i like working at a university because at least you belong to some sort of community through which you cna meet people. (in theory anyway)

[lostindc]

Jen,

If you are thinking of moving to DC there is a lot to do - it's just not easiest place to meet people for some reason.

Henrietta,

I am glad to see more DC people on these boards maybe we should meet downtown.

[Zuljin]

jen - nah, DC has lots of hot spots all over town on Friday and Saturday night, if you like the bars/dance clubs scene type that is...in my opinion, it's fun when you can get mildly or completely drunk and waste the night away...but it gets old fast...I dunno...maybe it's just me...but, surely you can meet new people while attending grad school...

I agreed that DCyoungpro is overpriced...that's why I hardly attend their events...but few of them are not so bad like this paintball I mentioned...it's pretty much in the price range of the paintball place regular prices posted on their website...give or take few bucks...nonetheless, better than doing nothing...:D

[pisces2473]

Zuljin--not a big drinker, but thanks. My last grad school experience yielded me w/ NO friends, acquaintences, etc. And I went to school in Boston!

[Princess18]

This is too funny because I'm moving to the D.C. area by the end of the month. Ha! I'll be sure to avoid the DCyoungpro. I'm worried about meeting new people while I'm living with my parents until I get my own place. I'm hoping that will be after the first of the year.

[Zuljin]

oh, well...I stand corrected...heh...but didn't you say DC is a hot spot??? j/k...I'm not a heavy drinker either, in fact I just started drinking socially less than a year ago...

although it seems like bars and clubs are the only good places to meet someone when you work at a place consist of old and married people in DC...starbucks are always consist of students 18 and under 'cuz they can't get into bars...maybe I don't look hard enough...hmmm...

[pisces2473]

Originally posted by Zuljin
oh, well...I stand corrected...heh...but didn't you say DC is a hot spot??? j/k...I'm not a heavy drinker either, in fact I just started drinking socially less than a year ago...

although it seems like bars and clubs are the only good places to meet someone when you work at a place consist of old and married people in DC...starbucks are always consist of students 18 and under 'cuz they can't get into bars...maybe I don't look hard enough...hmmm...

I didn't say that!!! People TELL me it's a hot spot...I wouldn't know!

Where I work, it's all married and old people too.