I just bought my first house.....

[Dreamchasa]

and granted I'm probably only going to spend one night a month in it on average its still exciting.

Its for my son and his mother so that they don't have to live with my parents anymore for those that know about THAT situation.

Anybody else recall their first time homebuying experience? I've been told its a real headache.

[wordsmith]

Please explain.

[heatherf]

It's not so much a headache as it is just plain ol' stressful. I feel ya. We've been in our house since the last week of July. We LOVE it. :)

[Dreamchasa]

Yea the agent there in Texas is already like do you have a fax machine so I can fax over these papers.

Its cool b/c my son will finally have his own room. I was just happy I got her to give into something reasonable so that I don't have to live in my truck here in VA. lol

Word, what did you want me to explain?

[paiger81]

:confused: Um....I'm presuming that you & baby momma are no longer together, right?

Cause otherwise, I'm curious as to why you are in VA & they are in Texas. :confused:

[Dreamchasa]

Paige, honestly I couldn't tell you and won't try too. We've been off and on for 3 years and never any real time in the same place. The longest we've ever spent together was one month when I went to see her while she was still in school.

In the past 2 years I can tell you exactly how many dates we've been on....2.

All that said I've been wanting to get a house for asset purposes and she's been wanting to get OUT of my parents house so its a good trade-off whether we end up together or not.

[wordsmith]

I was just wondering how this suddenly came to be. I'm not a homeowner, nor will I be anytime soon, but my impression is that it takes a bit of time? Also, did you buy the house sight unseen?

[Dreamchasa]

I've never seen it but its not for me to live in. She's seen it and I'll just have to trust her judgment which is a scary thought for me. Honestly, I've been trying to talk myself out of it for the longest b/c I want to save and invest more money but I guess I need to look at this as an investment. Lawd what have I gotten myself into. :neutral:

[paiger81]

Wow! Good for you, but there is NO WAY IN HELL my name is going on a house note if I've never seen it & won't be living in it.

[Dreamchasa]

Yea I think I need to send my mother or someone by there. :eek:

[paiger81]

Also, you do realize that since Texas is a common law state, if ever you choose to sell this house, she will have every right to fight you in the court of law for at least half of the selling value of the house.

[wordsmith]

Isn't cohabitation required to be common-law? I'm just asking, I don't know. They've never lived together.

[pisces2473]

Wait, you aren't with her, but you bought a house for her to live in??? And if you aren't planning to move there, WHY did you do this???? How are you paying for this anyway? You should put the money towards your son's future, or trips to see him. Let her find housing for the two of them, and you pay her some child support.

You keep making this SOOO messy.

[Dreamchasa]

:frustrate :torn: She kept complaining that she didn't want to live with my parents anymore. I didn't know what else to do.

I am putting money towards his future. They take money out of my check every 15th for his 529. The trips well whenever I can find a buddy pass I go home to see him.

I'm torn about making this work b/c I take my gre this month and my application goes in but I am going to TALK to my boss about a transfer.

[wordsmith]

So wait...this house purchase is or isn't a done deal yet?

[Dreamchasa]

I have the contract in front of me waiting on my signature but I can change my mind. Helps to have a good real estate lawyer for an aunt.

[wordsmith]

Why don't you just rent them an apartment, if you must provide housing entirely yourself, for the time being, if the want to get out is the big impetus? Then you won't be signing on for a major ownership thing involving somebody you're in a precarious situation with. You have many years ahead of you to own a home for asset purposes...buying one at the spur of the moment, sight unseen, to provide a roof over the head for somebody you're not actually for sure even romantically connected to anymore just seems like a bad plan. A rented apartment will put a roof over your son's head just fine for now, and won't tie you down to property ownership for the time being.

[paiger81]

Um, also, didn't you JUST get a job? I mean, I'm not seeing how realistic it is to pay a house note, child support, apartment rental, graduate school AND other living expenses :confused:

[Dreamchasa]

I'm not in graduate school I WANT to be but all these new expenses of hers keep making it more and more realistic that graduate school is a fairy tale.

I've been at my job 6 months so yea I just started.

[SmilesSoSweet]

I agree with everyone else. Why not just rent? Does your son's mother not work or something? She can just sign a lease and then you pay your monthly child support and stuff. I say take the money you plan on spending on a montly mortgage and put it towards your child's college fund or trips to fly out to see him that way you don't have to just wait for a buddy pass to fly.

Right now I'm going through my own house search. I just got pre-approved but now I'm going back and forth on what type of mortgage I want. I haven't even looked at houses yet! This right now is just stressful in itself. Once I start looking at homes I think I'll be even more overwhelmed! I would never buy a house site unseen. You need to have inspections and apprisals done before you buy a house. There's a lot of stuff you need to do before buying a home. I wouldn't just buy it to put a roof over your son's head. There's always renting.

[wordsmith]

I get way too overwhelmed even THINKING about the steps of buying a house, which is a pretty good indication that I'm nowhere near ready for anything like that, myself.

[embrassezla]

i'll be buying a house by the end of next month, and i have been super stressed out about it. mortgage payments, closing costs, what kind of house we'll end up with, etc. i actually have developed a bit of insomnia about it. i'm just hoping that i'm worrying about things that are unrealistic, and that everything will turn out fine, but still. it's exciting, no doubt, but overall just extremely stressful.

[Dreamchasa]

I mean honestly what I'd be paying in a mortgage is going to be cheaper than what I'd pay for her an apartment.

The mortgage is like 580 on a 10 year mortgage. Its a townhouse.

I pay that for almost my HALF of the RENT here in Charlottesville.

[paiger81]

I'm not in graduate school I WANT to be but all these new expenses of hers keep making it more and more realistic that graduate school is a fairy tale.

I've been at my job 6 months so yea I just started.


I guess my thinking is that it's great you want to take care of your kid, but the mom seems like she is just trying to get as much as she can from you. If she doesn't like living with your parents, then she needs to look for an apartment. Yeah, y'all had a kid together, doesn't mean she can get whatever she wants from you.......

[coll214]

Buying a house is VERY stressful. Between the lawyers, real estate agents, bankers all wanting their part and add in your situation and forget it.

and dude, you only have to provide for your son, not his mother too. Yes, help out w/ some of his expenses from living w/ her, but not EVERYTHING. My ex-BF was in a VERY similiar situation too where he seems to think that he also had to fully support his ex. Alas, yet one more reason we are no longer together b/c i will not stay w/ someone who thinks supporting an ex-GF is just fine and dandy.

[Dreamchasa]

I guess in my head that is what it means. Especially since she has him full-time. Its like whatever she ask for I get. Hell I'm even probably going to be paying HALF her car note.

[paiger81]

I guess in my head that is what it means. Especially since she has him full-time. Its like whatever she ask for I get. Hell I'm even probably going to be paying HALF her car note.


Well, then I'd say you are a glutton for punishment & if you don't realize how detrimental this could be for your future relationships, I feel really sorry for you.

[Dreamchasa]

How would it be detrimental to my future relationships?


DISCLAIMER: I'm going to be a Tibet Monk. lol This people thing is overrated.

[SmilesSoSweet]

She is only your child's mother. You only have to support your child, not her. She needs to support herself. If she can't, then that means she can't support her own child. So what if a mortgage is cheaper out there than it is to rent? Is she going to be paying for part of the mortgage? Why would you even think about paying for part of her car too? That's just insane!

[paiger81]

How would it be detrimental to my future relationships?

Well, every woman will be impressed that you will put you kid as top priority. They will NOT be appreciative that you will always put the baby's MOM before them.

[wordsmith]

Are you or aren't you wanting to be romantically involved with her? You've been very on the fence about the whole relationship piece of the pie thus far in your posts...and if I'M getting mixed messages, bouncing from "I'm confused about our future" to "We're over, basically," to "Why don't a buy a house for you to live in," I'd imagine she's probably feeling like the signals are kind of mixed, as well. How over can you be if she's currently living with YOUR family?

[Dreamchasa]

Ok its official. I am crazy. I really didn't think about that Paiger though this relationship has left me scarred enough to honestly not want to date or be in a relationship again.

I think I'm having trouble determing where the line is drawn b/w what is supportive of my son and what is supportive of his mother b/c to me getting them a house is supportive of my son so he can be out of my parents house.

[paiger81]

to me getting them a house is supportive of my son so he can be out of my parents house.

Do you have a bad relationship with your parents? Cause I'm kind of thinking it'd be helpful for your kid to have 3 relatives watching him, as opposed to just his mom.

[coll214]

Can I ask if she'd be contributing at all to this house? I know you want what's best for your son, and that is commendable but you have to be careful w/ the ex-GF aspect. If you do this, she's going to know that ANYTHING she asks for you will give her. Not a good thing, or a healthy way to build a relationship if that even what you want to do down the line.

[SmilesSoSweet]

If you do this, she's going to know that ANYTHING she asks for you will give her. Not a good thing, or a healthy way to build a relationship if that even what you want to do down the line.

Exactly! She may even say "oh, but it's for the benefit of OUR son," when in reality, it isn't. If you constantly give into what she wants, she'll take advantage of you and also use your son as an excuse to get what she wants out of you finanacially.

[Dreamchasa]

When we see each other its romantic....when we don't there isn't any. She asked me last night to see about a transfer to Houston but this morning I got my package for one of my grad schools in the mail. :neutral:

I appear to be on the fence about us b/c that's what its been. ON AND OFF for 3 years. We spent xmas together b/c she wanted us to have our son's first xmas together which isn't a big deal to me but it was to her. I wanted to have him for new year's but she wanted to send him back with my mom so I was upset about that. Me and her spent a few days together which we LITERALLY hadn't done since May of 04 (which was when we got prego.)

I mean contributing. I guess she'll pay the utilities. Though that hasn't been discussed so it very well could end up me paying for some of those as well.

Bad relationship with the parents....let's just say my last MEANINGFUL interaction with my father he pulled a gun on me. Not to mention we've been in what looks like could turn into a legal battle with both parents over my great-grandfather's land.

She's with my parents b/c my mother is all for a woman being educated and her parents didn't want to support her going to law school b/c she had the baby and my mother didn't want her to wait on law school.

[wordsmith]

I have to tell you, you have very distinctly separate, yet obviously interconnected, things to work out, here.

[paiger81]

I have to tell you, you have very distinctly separate, yet obviously interconnected, things to work out, here.

Definitely.

Dream-I really don't get how you are just ready to do all this stuff without thinking about the consequences of the actions.

[Blythe]

Dreamchasa, I've read a lot of your posts and haven't commented, but dude you seriously need to take a step back for a minute and figure out what you're doing. I think that girl is taking you for a ride if she expects you to BUY her a townhouse. Not help her pay for it with child support.

Honestly, it appears to me like you guys are both being selfish. She doesn't want to live with your parents, so she wants a place of her own. It doesn't seem to have much to do with your son, unless they are mean or abusive and she's trying to get him away from them. But if your mom's supporting her law school ambitions, that doesn't sound like the case. And you seem to be more concerned with going to grad school than what's good for your son (like having you around) or your finances. I tend to doubt adding an extra $580+ to your expenses is going to make you much help when your son needs food, diapers, new clothes and doctors visits.

[wordsmith]

I do see his point on getting his ex, sort of ex, whatever, GF and little boy out of his parents' house. His dad is violent and abusive, and I wouldn't put my kid around that, either. But buying a house? Huh? And there's no reason the baby's mom shouldn't be taking some financial responsiblity for housing. That's what grown-ups do.

BUT, I do agree that there is a really big messed up priority situation going on here. Dreamchasa, I've said it before on another thread, but I think that both you AND your baby's mother need to really get your heads on straight about what is and needs to be top priority, here. Both you and your lady seem to be putting your own professional development ahead of what's best for a baby, I'm sorry. You both seem to be in denial that when you end up with a kid, you most times cease being able to do WHAT you wanna do, WHEN you wanna do it. You don't seem to have a realistic view of what a healthy romantic relationship (one where you actually interact in person on a regular basis) is. Most vividly showing to me is that neither of you is willing to put your graduate school plans on hold to deal with this big old ten-month old chunk of reality that YOUR actions and YOUR decisions created. I think you both need to think about that.

Sorry for the harshness. But that's what I see.

[Dreamchasa]

Well I'm not sure there is any need for her to put her graduate school plans on hold. She has all the support there with my aunt and such.

I have for the most part and maybe its not coming off as such conceded about going to grad school anytime soon. I do want to take the test just to KNOW but I won't accept it. I did put into my boss we need to talk about an hour ago so that I can start seeing what to do about making a transfer. If they don't let me transfer I'll probably just put in a resignation which my mother will have a FIT about.

I'll probably be living with my folks for sometime which will be interesting is all I can say. I can't lie I've tried to avoid Houston like the plague for reasons I felt were just but you can only run from demons for so long I assume. Appreciate all the harshness or tough love.

[paiger81]

I must say I am in awe of the Maury Povich-ness of this situation.

1. If the g/f has all the support she needs, then why are you giving her MORE?

2.If you can't stand your parents that much, then why move back in with them?

3. How is NOT having a job gonna help if you are buying a house & wanting to support your kid?

It really sounds like you are just making decisions without thinking them through. I'm sorry, you have a kid now, you HAVE TO THINK ABOUT HOW EVERY DECISION YOU MAKE WILL AFFECT HIM & HIS LIFE!

[tina1979]

You know what... I am a baby's Momma and I don't get half of what you are doing for her. I am fighting to get childsupport and visitation ironed out right now.

She needs to realize that just because you are a nice guy, who seems to want to help out anyway possible, that she can't just sluff off all her responsibilities onto you. I have to pay for my own housing because it is my responsibility to provide a roof over my daughter's head when she is with me. Her father has to pay for his own housing for the same reasons. Same thing for a car. I pay for my own transportation same as he does, because it is both of our responsisbilities to make sure that our child can be safely transported when our daughter is with either of us. If she can not afford the car she wants then it is time for her to suck it up an get a car that she can afford. If she can't pay for an apartment by herself, she should find a roommate. She can NOT put the burden of the entire financial responsibility in your lap. If you continue to let her you will end up like one of my uncles, 30some odd years old and living with your mother, in debt, and can't figure out how to get out of it. Hes been divorced over 10 years. He has made some bad choices and let his baby's mama get away with alot, including him providing a credit card to her for purchases for thier son. Guess who maxed that out and who has to pay for it? I would hate to see anyone else in that kind of a situation. Please be sure to think about things. If nothing else see a lawyer or family counsel person to find out exactly what your financial responsibilites are. Its time to practice CYA before she takes you for everything she can. There comes a time when you shift from being the nice guy who cares about his baby's mama, to turning into your baby mama's doormat. Don't let that happen to you.

Sorry so harsh.

[Deavan]

I guess in my head that is what it means. Especially since she has him full-time. Its like whatever she ask for I get. Hell I'm even probably going to be paying HALF her car note.


Dreamchaser this situation just keeps getting SHADIER...not to be a pessimist BUT are you sure the kid is yours? If you have been as absent as you say you have been for the past 2 years how do you know she didn't go somewhere else to get some?

[SmilesSoSweet]

Basically what Tina just said in her last post sums it up quite well. Enough said.

[wordsmith]

I think Tina points out some very real facts. People do what they have to to take care of their obligations. They don't just do what they want to while others pick up the slack so they can go about business as originally intended even though they altered the courses of thier futures. You take responsibility for your actions. You don't make others do it all so you can have want you want.

[Dreamchasa]

Deavan, if nothing else I know for sure the kid is mine. The rest might be confusing as hell but have you ever seen yourself re-born? My son looks EXACTLY like me.

My grandmother even told me no point in taking that one to court b/c the judge would just throw me in jail for wasting his time.

If I knew how or where to post a picture on here I would.

Tina, I agree with you. It would RELIEVE a load of burden off me if she was paying half of everything for him. I'm not sure where her money goes b/c she makes almost as much as me and has NONE of the bills I do. No rent, No car note, No Utilities. She has bad spending habits that much I know for sure. Getting her to save is like pulling teeth. I will be saddled with Langston's 529 by myself this month but that's just b/c her job decided not to pay her for some crazy reason but I doubt I'll get my half back from her.

Paiger, I'm just going to see about a transfer then if they won't give me one I'll start pursuing jobs there plus I can always make money back home with my boys.

I would need to move back in with them b/c I'll have no way to finish paying out the rent here in VA on that lease. I can't just leave my cousin high and dry to pay it all by himself.

I just dont want Langston to grow up and hate me like I do mine so I'm probably overcompensating.

[tina1979]

Tina, I agree with you. It would RELIEVE a load of burden off me if she was paying half of everything for him. I'm not sure where her money goes b/c she makes almost as much as me and has NONE of the bills I do. No rent, No car note, No Utilities. She has bad spending habits that much I know for sure. Getting her to save is like pulling teeth. I will be saddled with Langston's 529 by myself this month but that's just b/c her job decided not to pay her for some crazy reason but I doubt I'll get my half back from her.
You can't put yourself in a hole because she won't pull herself out of one. What happens when you are both in the hole and there is no way out?
Let her spend her money however she is going to spend it, but make it clear to her that you are not made of money and that she has to take care of herself and your son, just as you do. Be there for her when she needs help, but don't put yourself in jeopardy either unless it is something specific to your son. Have you thought of pursuing custody at all? If she can't take care of herself how is she going to take care of him?

Everyone overcompensates to a degree. Your son is going to love you if you spend quality time with him and provide what he needs. Raise him with respect and he will respect you in return.

[pisces2473]

Dude, how can this chick learn responsibility in being a good parent if you're always saving her ass? She needs to grow up just as much as you do.

I agree with what everyone else has been saying, so I won't add to this.

[Dreamchasa]

I've never been in a court where anything positive has happened. Not to mention the job I have doesn't mix well with being a single parent. I've offered to take him a number of times but she says she's ok. I'll probably bring him back after his birthday in Feb. to spend a month or so with me I just need to get daycare things in order now.

Hell we both are in a hole I just seem to manage my hole a lot better than she does. Little stuff like not keeping track of your credit card purchases so then you run OVER you limit just burnnnnns me up b/c we all know who gets to cover it.

[wordsmith]

What money are you making back home with your boys?

[Dreamchasa]

Of all the stuff you'd pull out you had to pull that one out. Something told me I should have chosen my words on that one better.

Just doing some courier work.

[wordsmith]

Well, in fairness, I'd wondered earlier, from some stuff you'd said. Think long and hard.

[Taza Tikha]

Dreamchaser this situation just keeps getting SHADIER...not to be a pessimist BUT are you sure the kid is yours?

I too think this situation keeps getting shadier...makes me wonder how much is true.

If you really are buying a house out of state that is not your primary residence, make sure you have all your info on investment property and tax laws in order. It can be a doozey.

[Dreamchasa]

Well as far as how much is true if you need receipts I got ya. Dang has my life got that unbelievable.

I'm not big into real estate but why would this be considered an investment property if my son and his mother were living in it?

[Taza Tikha]

I'm not big into real estate but why would this be considered an investment property if my son and his mother were living in it?

Because you are not married to her. Unless both of your names will be on the deed (I apologize if you said that you will both be signing at the closing and I just missed it).

[Dreamchasa]

No I didn't say that Taza but yea both of our names would be on it. On the mortgage too. I was just going to be the one footing the bill. I mean its not that she can't afford it I've just been trying to help her go back to school full-time so I've been willing to shoulder more of the financial burden.

[pisces2473]

No I didn't say that Taza but yea both of our names would be on it. On the mortgage too. I was just going to be the one footing the bill. I mean its not that she can't afford it I've just been trying to help her go back to school full-time so I've been willing to shoulder more of the financial burden.
And what is she helping YOU with???? You just give give give and she's just taking all she can get.

Golddigger, anyone?

[paiger81]

No I didn't say that Taza but yea both of our names would be on it. On the mortgage too. I was just going to be the one footing the bill. I mean its not that she can't afford it I've just been trying to help her go back to school full-time so I've been willing to shoulder more of the financial burden.


Ok, that's just stupid. When you decide to end it, she can have half your house & again, I believe this is where COMMON LAW COMES INTO THINGS!

[SmilesSoSweet]

Oh my God, dream, do you not hear yourself in your posts? You're supporting someone that you have no connection with other than the DNA of your child! You are just way to fucking nice! Stop it. Get the balls to tell her that she needs to figure out shit on her own. Only support your child, not his mother! If both of you are on the mortgage, she better damn well be paying for at least half of it every month.

Sorry to be harsh, but you seriously need to get your priorities straight and not worry about your baby's momma!

[Dreamchasa]

OK OKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.....I did get permission from my boss to seek a transfer. He sid he would totally support me and I will LOOK to see my options.

I've also told her to pull contract on the house and that its not happening right now. I just hope she doesn't take me coming home as us getting back together but from the way she's talking (And I haven't even told her I can transfer.) she probably will.

At least one step is in order.....sorta.

[tina1979]

It looks like you are now headed in the right direction. Maybe the next step is to call her and have a heart to heart about where you both stand and the expectations of both of you guys.