Dating...need I say more

[curious-person]

Is there some weird thing going around where it is now uncool and undesirable to be liked by someone? I'm 27 and dating. It isn't a connection with everyone woman I meet and go out with. That's dating, right? Of course it is. Out of the 5 women I've gone out with/had coffee with/had drinks with this spring and summer, I have had a good vibe from two of them. We'd hang out, do fun things, talk about our views and our interests, laugh, flirt, nothing too intense on the intimacy scale,...and then it just ends abruptly. And twice now it has happened the same way. We go out and have a really, really good time dancing or just being out and the temperature starts rising. And I'm thinking, "Alright, tonight was good." And then the weirdness happens. Awkwardness and "I'm washing my hair tonight" kinds of reasons that they can't go out again.

I'm an honest person. If I am starting to like someone, I let them know, usually because I can't contain myself. I might say something like "You are fantastic and I'm having a great time getting to know you," or just do something like flirt while we're hanging out somewhere. I'm not writing sonnets and having "I love you" written up on the Jumbotron at a baseball game here, but the simple act of letting someone know that I like them with a few words or a few gestures seems to somehow be wrong. How can that be wrong? Obviously it can be if it is taken to the extreme, but how can saying and doing subtle things (because it is early in the process of getting to know that person, right?) be a bad thing?

Here's the catch. I don't care if I meet up with someone and the chemistry is just not there. Even if it's a few times and still no chemistry. That's no big deal. But yes, it is a bid disappointing when it feels good to be around a person and have fun with them, and then have it just stop cold. It takes effort to not turn the "Why?" questions inward and start asking what the deal is with me. I do not mean to imply that I am without flaw and that everything wrong must be in the other person, but I am barely pushing the envelope here as far as what I'm saying and doing and it is scaring these women away. I've seen stalkers have better results. Okay, bad joke.

[Jayebird]

From a female perspective, I can understand what you are talking about. And it definitely runs both ways. Sometimes I wonder what the point is in getting to know a guy because I know the next time I'm with him, he'll be distant towards me. I've had it happen many times where I thought we were getting along, talking, sharing funny stories, etc. only to get the cold shoulder the next time we hang out together. I think, sometimes, people just don't like to be rushed into anything. They just like to explore their options. In fact, it's quite healthy to keep your options open when you're on the dating scene so you don't get your hopes and expectations up on one person. Then, if it doesn't work out, you just chalk it up to fate and move on.

Easier said then done, but I hope you can see that the old saying "it's not you, it's me" is true most of the time. Just keep at it, and you'll find the right girl for you.

[gracieTx]

I agree with both of you! Dating can seem a little crazy. I've been on both ends--the person wondering why the other has abruptly turned cold as well as the person that doesn't understand why the other wants to pursue things. I just have to remind myself that even if it seems things are going smoothly, the other person may not feel the same. For all I know, I've dated some extremely good actors!

[coll214]

I think it just depends on the person. What one person may see as a gentle nudge to say "hey i like you, let do this again" could be too much for the other. There's a fine line there, and it's different for everybody. You're comments just sound honest to me, that should be considered a good thing :p !!

[pisces2473]

I always like honesty...and if you were the guy I was dating and you said that to me, I would let you know if I was flattered by that or if it was too soon. Some people just can't do that. Good for you for being so honest--keep it up.

[joyfulwomyn]

Diddo to pisces...

I'd call them on it. "Last time I really felt we had a connection but tonight you seem distant... is something wrong?"

We let people off the hook too often about this. Folks need to learn to talk about this stuff and we have a right to ask. If someone asks me, yes, I am blown away by it but I respect that they are calling me out on it.

I will admit that it can freak people out but what's worse - not asking and never knowing or knowing you asked and you got some answer (whether you believed it or not is another story).

[pisces2473]

I agree with what you had to say too, Joyful.

We all say honesty is the most important part of a relationship, but that goes for all areas of the relationship. I think we forget this....

[coll214]

I agree w/ both of you. I think sometimes it's just harder for one person to be so open about things; feelings can be hard to express sometimes. And that may be what puts the other person off, how someone can be so honest about what they're feeling.

[Tearbear]

It is annoying that people can change their minds so quickly and whatnot. I'd rather have someone be honest with me and let me know how they were feeling, than to not say anything at all. I am in a situation where the guy I was dating realized he wasn't over his ex, even though he really liked me. So it was good for a few weeks and then it just stopped. Unfortuntely for me I really liked him, so it's been hard to just forget about it.

[monika]

hi there,

that's true - why change people their mind or have I done something to them ... it's so difficult to understand and to realise why !
have you ever asked yourself if you have made something wrong or so ?!? I asked myself always - but is this the right way or should we say 'ok- let's divide our ways and thats it ' ?!?

any ideas how to handle it ?!?;)

[justwondering]

I'm in the exact same situation. I'm also 27, but I live in a smaller town. About five months ago, I met who I thought was a fantastic girl. We immediately hit it off and saw a lot of each other during the summer. She coaches in the fall, so we agreed to cool things off. All I asked of her was to not shut me out of her life. Well, she shut me out of her life and didn't even have the decency to tell me this herself.

This town doesn't have many dating opportunities for someone my age. I'm too old for college girls, and there aren't many (if any) single women with similar interests. I've tried volunteering, playing softball, church activities, etc., but there aren't many possibilities. Now I read this board, and those who have moved to larger towns seem to be pretty miserable, too.

This is definitely a quarter life crisis. I'm confused about my job, my so-called dating life, and just about everything else. For someone who thought I had it all together, I'm not sure about that at all right now.

[Tearbear]

As someone who has been down and out a few times, I can totally empathize with you. I just moved 4 months ago, and while it was lonely at first, I have been meeting people during the last month outside of work. I am elated about this because for many years I wasn't really meeting any people at all. I guess people were just too busy with thier own lives and didnt want to expand their social circle. But now I have a few people to hang out with.

Dating is an entirely differernt issue. I haven't really done much of this in 2 years, again bc i wasn't really meeting people. I can't say that I am actively seeking someone right now, but it would be nice. I think my qlc hit me at 24, and sporadically comes back to kick me in the ass!, and even now I don't feel like I have it all together. But then again does anyone? I did realize, or at least had people point it out to me, that if everything in my life had been going wrong, then it could only go up from here.

It would be nice if everyone on this site could get together.....then maybe all of our problems could be solved:)

Hang in there....