advice?

[jnc225]

Hey all,
I could use your input on this one. Right now I'm pretty lonely, not too many friends, no boyfriend, and all the people I work with are much older then me. Everyone I've ever complained to about this has just suggested that I meet people by "going out and doing things", you know, joining groups, taking a class, etc. etc. I have made a few attempts but it really just seems like the only types of people I encounter are still alot older & have their own lives. What are some of the ways you all have met people that have worked?

[pisces2473]

I hear your situation...mine seems pretty similar. Everyone told me the same things, but do I follow their advice? NO. LOL. I don't believe that me taking a class is going to help me meet people, especially when you go to the class and everyone is old or snobby or whatever. I did manage to make a new friend via QLC :D (and yeah, it's Coll for those of you who didn't know, lol) It's rare to find someone that lives nearby on here, but it turns out we both work for the same university (diff. depts.), and have a lot of the same interests and issues with men, friends, etc. Making new friends does happen...sometimes it takes time and it usually happens in strange ways. One of my co-workers told me that when she and her husband moved up here from Alabama it took them a year to find a good group of friends--and they met a lot of them through church. But it did take time and it happened. So there's some good success stories to give you some hope! Take care and keep posting. :)

[TankgirlyC]

I think it all depends on how outgoing you are. If your really outgoing you can meet people anywhere. You could be standing in line for coffee and just start talking to the person ahead of you and then sit and keep talking while you both enjoy your coffee....

If you are more shy....sometimes a bit of help can be needed. Volunteering is a way to meet people. Your not only helping the world....but your also doing something good for your own karma...and hey I bet there are other people close to your age working there.

Yet another way would be to go to a lecture at a local college...community OR university. You sit next to someone and you already have a topic to speak about to them after its over....ha ha!

The class thing can work. If you take something at a local college there are BOUND to be people your own age there.....and most times there are class discussions, papers to work on....you name it..pleanty of ways to meet people.

I moved home after college. I left college without friends....and I left home after hs the same way. I had to start all over. I met some people through my last job (one I still speak to) and at my new job there are some young people around. Ive just made myself VERY visable and talked to many people. Im also VERY outgoing. Most people here are older than myself (26+) but we still have many things in common. I went on a 6 hour round trip drive with my boss who is 30----we didnt stop talking the ENTIRE time.....I even asked her to go clubbing this September....so we shall see.

[coll214]

For me, it seems to be purely by accident. Like Jen said, it was surprising to see that there was someone else on here like me (Thanks Jen :) ), who worked in the same place w/ similar interests. I've also become friends w/ people before through others. Such as a casual friend introduces you to a few of their friends, and then you realize you have some things in common.

I"m like you in that my office doesn't have people my own age- their kids are closer in age to me than they are!! I can be shy at times too; but have been making an effort to just try and be more outgoing and talkative in any situation...whether it be something at work i have to go to, or a barbeque where i don't know anyone there. You never know who you may meet !

[TankgirlyC]

I would say be careful about becoming friends with friends of a friend (wow confusing sentance)

I had friends that I would introduce to other people I knew...and before I knew it.....they would be calling one another and NOT calling me----leaving me out....and honest...its never cool to be like that.
If your introduced to someone that is a friend of your friend....make sure your still including your friend who introduced you.....yea.

For instance...because re reading this it seems kinda foggy. I introduced Jen and Sarah to my friend Crystal and my other friend Jim. Sarah and Jen started calling Jim to hang out but would "forget" to call me......that sucked. Crystal never got involved...she was friendly with Jen and Sarah but would only come around if I was there.....

Ok my piece.

[pisces2473]

I agree with you Tank...I introduced people and THEY started hanging out without me...wtf? Oh well, they sucked anyway. I'm better off with my few friends who are true and good people than some losers.

[coll214]

Yeah, Tank that can get tricky sometimes...it's important to make sure everyone is still included so no one feels left out.

[LakeJay]

The way I see it...this is kind of like that whole boyfriend/girlfriend search theory where if you are always looking for a bf/gf it's almost impossible to find someone but when you least expect it and you're not looking that's when you meet someone. That may be the case here. I would say just stay positive and be yourself.

Maybe doing the class thing or group thing would be good. But rather than doing it to meet friends really sign up for things that you are interested in. Maybe you want to try out a new hobby. Joining a gym, if you haven't already, would be good too. They offer classes such as swimming, spinning, aerobics, etc. I suggest those last two things because you should at least gain something these experiences. Think about you are learning (or staying fit, you will be with people who share your same interests, because you are engrossed in what you are doing you are so focused on the whole friend making project...and at the end of it all you will wind up with a whole new set of friends.

The long and short of it, I guess, is to not sweat it so much. Be yourself. The way I see it as long as you are not essentially an evil person you are usually a prime candidate for friendship. If you are an evil person well then that may explain everything and you may need to post another message for another reason. :twisted: I hope this helps. I know I'm not very articulate and my ideas may not make sense but I thought you might want to get a different point of view. Good luck with everything and I'll talk to you soon.

[TankgirlyC]

Or you could be the nicest person and not even CLOSE to evil and have no friends and feel like your not even a candidate for them.......
Gotta love how that works sometimes. I feel like people dont want to be my friend.....kinda sucks.

Im working on it though. I sit near really cool people at work....they are nice and like to talk to me....we shall see if that transpires into something solid and more than just chatting at work.

[pisces2473]

Originally posted by TankgirlyC
Or you could be the nicest person and not even CLOSE to evil and have no friends and feel like your not even a candidate for them.......
Gotta love how that works sometimes. I feel like people dont want to be my friend.....kinda sucks.

Im working on it though. I sit near really cool people at work....they are nice and like to talk to me....we shall see if that transpires into something solid and more than just chatting at work.

I don't get this. Why don't people want to be your friend? Have you asked them why they don't stick around--like is it something with your personality they don't like, do you do things that you don't know aren't cool with them, etc? I would hate to know I was doing something that bothered people and they never told me!

[TankgirlyC]

I dont ask people once they stop hanging out with me WHY they stopped.....its kinda silly and makes me look insecure asking them well WHY dont you like hanging out with me....

Most times people just dont call me when they say they will. For instance my Bday...I called EVERYONE that would be around asking them to come out and celebrate.....NOT one single person returned the call....Austin ended up renting a 10 person limo and the people who were in it were me, him, his friend Timo, his sister and her friend Jen......bad night. I just felt like crap.

This weekend I called 15 people to see if they wanted to go to this club....most said yeah Ill call you when I know my plans.....they didnt. Or I left Voice mail and they just didnt call me back. Thats not friendship-----
These people also NEVER call me to see what Im up to......again not being a friend.

Ive been told many times that girls dont like me because Im nice and Ive been told good looking.....I just think well its me..whatever. Ive been told by guys that Im intimidating to come up to because I look like I might be a snot...but Im always smiling and waving at people I dont know.......
But most girls that Im cool with have said other friends of theirs who have met me are just jealous because Im nice, etc.

I dont buy it. Im the type of person who would give a friend WHATEVER they needed. Im very concientious.....and for gifts I give from the heart.....and I try to do little sweet things-----like get a cake just because.....or make muffins and bring in breakfast (I did this for my roomies all the time...Id be up early and would get breakfast but also get things they liked....go BACK to the house drop it off with a cute notecard saying have a good day and THEN drive to work)-----
But thats just me.

[pisces2473]

Oh no...I wouldn't ask people either about why they stopped hanging out with me. But do they give you any indication? I'm assuming no, because that's happened to me too, especially in college. People always found new people to hang out with and would just stop calling. I eventually found better people to hang out with who actually called me and stuff, but it took time.

Has anyone ever said you're too nice and maybe that's why people treat you like that? Like they can walk all over you? Just a thought...

I don't get it either. I'm so sorry because you seem like a nice person...it really sucks. I think it would bother me MORE that people didn't care about me and ditched me, than the fact that I didn't have any friends.

[LakeJay]

I agree with pisces. I'm baffled. I would wonder if there is some thing that these people may hinting at as to why they won't hang with you.
Being too nice?! It's terrible but that might be a reason why they are hanging out with you. They may be taking advantage of your being nice and walking all over you. It should be this way but people are known to do this.
Wow...I really don't know what the issue is here. Well being happy in knowing the friends you have right now are true friends who you can depend on.

[coll214]

Sadly i've actually dealt w/ this a long time ago. I had some friends who out of the blue decided they didn't want anything to do w/ me. After that i had one friend who stuck by through it all and eventually i found better people to hang out w/ who i would consider more life long friends.

Anyone who thinks a person is too nice is probally just intimidated by the nicer person. Which could explain why it seems like the nice people always get walked on over again and again. I just tell myself that they weren't worth my time and i'm better off w/o them...

[hajime]

this sounds really bizarre to me.... people typically don't distain/hate whatever people just because they're really nice. Okay, people do get jealous of really attractive, nice looking people-- but it still seems really weird to hear that so many of your friends treat you so poorly... and somehow I doubt it's because they're all jealous of you.

how are you meeting these friends? I think some settings are just not condusive for real, mature friendships... for example, my mom has a few "friends" she knows from work that she invites to house parties and such sometimes, but a few of them never invite them to theirs, etc... OTOH, as a counterexample, my friendships from college, etc. are all pretty firm, good friendships. But, I agree , it's harder to make strong close friendships as you get older- everyone has their own life, and anyway, once you get out of the protective environment of school, you really meet all sorts of people, with all kinds of different moral systems, etc.

Anyway... personally, if I were in that situation, I would stop hanging out with these people-- people who don't even bother returning your calls aren't worth it. There are plenty of nice people out there, so don't settle for people who treat you like you aren't worth anything!

[pisces2473]

Tank, I was thinking the same thing as Hajime--how did you meet these people? What did you have in common with them? Sometimes you need more than being nice to maintain a friendship--common interests, same views on things, etc.

[jnc225]

thanks everybody! i'm sure i'm just stressing about this too much, but that's just what i do :) we'll see what happens i guess!

[TankgirlyC]

Ok I think the piece most of you missed here is that I dont have friends.......you know the people who call you to do things and you call them and you go out and have good times........I dont have ANY of that.

I do have people that I know that I call that usually dont call me back and never call me on their own.

You have asked how I met these people......
some were through college
some were through summer camp where I worked
one is from my last job
I have a few people at my new job that we chat about hanging out and this is the place that has the MOST potential.

I never found people on college who were "friends" that would actually call me to hang out. I tried, it just never happened....and I was very social and outgoing----so its not like I didnt talk to many many people.

I have never had any indication from anyone WHY they dont call, and when I tell them it bothers me....usually they just tell me oh well whatever. Like I called this guy Patrick---asked him if he wanted to come out in a huge group on Sat night...he said I dont know what Im doing but Ill call you and let you know...he never called. So I was on IM and he was too so I just wrote him and said I was sorta upset that he didnt call me to let me know what was going on....he said well by the time I knew it was 12 and I didnt think you would hear your phone that late.....I said well even a voice mail would have been nice....he said "Im not going to sit here and argue with you about it" I said Im not arguing just wanted to let you know that I was kinda annoyed that you didnt even return the call.

Im not one to let people walk all over me.....so its not like I keep giving and then they just stop talking to me. Im very firm on who I do the nice things for...its for people who deserve it---such as they were there for me during a tough time, or they would be the type to then return the favor.

What I said about the jealousy thing is thats why I dont have many friends. Or why people dont want to be my friend....Ive been told its intimidating to walk up to me simply because of how Im all smiles and outgoing and that Im attractive (I hate even typing that)----that girls dont like me and guys dont know how to talk to me.

I will just re-state that you are all telling me to be happy with the friends that do treat me well------but honest...thats just my boyfriend....he is the only one I count on. I honestly cant list a single person OTHER than him that is involved in my life as a friend.

[pisces2473]

Okay...but how did you meet your college friends? I'm just curious because I know a lot of catty shitty behavior goes on at college between girls--they don't care about each other, talk about each other behind their backs, etc. Most of these girls meet at parties or whatever...and all they have in common is going out and drinking. They become drinking buddies and that's all. When someone says, "Hey let's go to a movie tonight instead of the bar," that person gets made fun of or looked at like they have five heads.

Now Tank, I'm not saying this is what happened to you. It didn't happen to me, but I saw it happen. I'm just wondering how exactly you met people in college.

And you met your boyfriend, and you're still together, so you can't be THAT hard to talk to :)

[TankgirlyC]

My college friends I met through classes or through where I lived.
So I would walk around the hall of my dorm and peek my head into peoples rooms and introduce myself...
In class I would sit near people and start conversations with them.
We were never bar people....we were always doing "quality" things...like going to lectures whatever....

I never said I was hard to talk to----thats what confuses me...Im not hard to talk to but Ive been told people have a hard time coming up to me because of intimidation.

[pisces2473]

Originally posted by TankgirlyC
I never said I was hard to talk to----thats what confuses me...Im not hard to talk to but Ive been told people have a hard time coming up to me because of intimidation.

I'm sorry, I misread your other post--you said guys have a hard time coming up to you...but like I said, your BF didn't :)

I've been told that I'm intimidating...maybe that's why I only have a few close friends and no boyfriend ever. I'm too strong for my own good, maybe?

[coll214]

I know it sounds crazy, but maybe there's something they think they see in you that intimidates them? I've been told before that before someone's met me they thought i was this quiet, shy person that wouldn't say anything= boring, or even snobby. But once they've gotten the chance to know me, they know better :D ...Maybe it's just the people you're meeting aren't even giving a chance to get to know you better, which is their loss...

[pisces2473]

Who are you talking to? Me or Tank?

[klo1335]

I get told all the time that I am too opinonated and assertive. But honestly why would you want to change yourself in order to hang out with people? That would seem worse to me then having no friends. But thats just my opinion :)

[pisces2473]

I know...I read your other thread :) It sucks, doesn't it? MY DAD even told me that's probably why guys don't talk to me. I don't think I'm mega-hot and my dad was like, you give off an air that probably scares guys away. Thanks Dad. LOL

[coll214]

Whoops sorry!!- Tank although it could apply to you too jen!

I guess it comes down to that none of us should listen to what anyone else says!!
One person could tell you you're too quiet, the next too opinionated...And the conflicting opinions just make it worse!! I'll just be myself and if people don't like it, tough :)!!

[pisces2473]

Yeah thanks Coll for your advice, LOL!

Okay I'll be myself, even if that means come 70 I'll be an old cat lady living in the same place I am now. :(

[coll214]

Jen- You will NOT be an old cat lady living by yourself in the same place you are now!! :p Maybe in a fabulous condo by the water instead :D ! lol

[klo1335]

If I am still single by the time I am 30 I am going to Alaska where the male/femail ratio is 6-1 :) Anyone coming with me?

[pisces2473]

Sign me up. We can charter a plane for 30 something females looking for good, hard working men. :p

[TankgirlyC]

The people Im meeting are of all walks of life and its ALWAYS been like this my whole life.

I wouldnt change myself to hang out with people......but you should at least have a SINGLE friend.....other than your SO....I dont have that.....its a tad odd. Ive never even had a best friend....EVER...not even when I was like 6.

Whats funny is when I tell certain people that I dont have many friends and grew up alone they give me this look of shock and then say but I would picture you as popular and well liked....and I just shrug and say well that wasnt the case....then they usually say but your so nice whats not to like...and I say I couldnt tell you.

My BF always gets upset when people dont call me back he keeps asking me whats their problem....I just shrug----cause I dont know.

[pisces2473]

Tank, in the past, people on here gave you some advice on how to meet new people...but you made excuses or had reasons why you couldn't do certain things...maybe you can try them again now?

Maybe you come off too eager to be friends with people? Just a thought...like how people are when they are looking for an SO and it's like everyone can tell but them?

[TankgirlyC]

I wouldnt consider myself eager. Ive been on my own so much that Im used to it. I dont call people all the time......I usually only call people once every 2 weeks about going out on the weekends....I wouldnt call that overbearing or too eager.

If I meet someone in the office I dont ask them like 2 seconds later if they want to hang out...it took me 2 weeks to even mention hanging outside of work to the people Ive met here...and I didnt even ask them formally...I just said oh I might be going to this club on this date if your interested....and left it at that.

As for suggestions on how to meet people...living with my parents limits most of that. Since they are so overbearing its hard to tell them yeah Im going out, or to make last minute plans because they get pissed at me for that.....and not to mention I have to explain that I cant make last minute plans due to my parents----so tahts a whole other issue....most people dont want to deal with that crap.

[pisces2473]

Okay...I didn't think you were being too eager or whatever, but you never know. That's why I asked. :)

Good, you play it cool...make things casual.

I can see your issues w/ your parents not make people want to stay around. I get stressed out just reading your posts--I don't know how you can live it! Hopefully when you move out you'll take advantage of that freedom and start meeting up with people for coffee after work, or go to a club on the weekends...have your boyfriend to YOUR place for a change ;)

[klo1335]

Tank~

Have you decided to move into your own place? I remember you were saying that you were thinking about it.

[TankgirlyC]

I looked at a place last night......turns out its $50 more expensive than I was led to believe.....to top it off its about 15 minutes from the highway with NO traffic and knowing that area with traffic its going to take me 30-45 MINUTES just to get to the highway....so the place is out of the question.

Im now thinking about just saving and getting enough for a downpayment on a condo----this way my "rent" is actually going towards OWNING the place and if I decide to sell Ill make my $$ back and maybe then some....

[klo1335]

I thought that I wanted to stay at home to save some money towards a condo but I just couldn't take the fighting with my parents anymore. I am poor right now but I am a happy poor :)

[LakeJay]

Tank,
If you can go with buying something. I like the idea of spending on something that will be yours. It's definitely a good investment. I myself don't have enough savings to put down a decent down payment but if you do, I would go for it. Plus if you do want a roommate you can have them pay you rent and that would help with the mortgage payments. Unfortunately for me and fortunate for my roommate, that is what I am doing.

[TankgirlyC]

I dont have the $$ for a decent down payment at the moment...thats what a financial plan would show me how long it would take.....plus I would invest my $$ to get a better return than in some dinky bank savings account with 2% interest. Im talking something with close to 25% interest per month! =)

As for living with my parents......we dont fight. I comply or they will kick me out---I might not have the freedom that I want but I have laundry and food there-----and I go away on the weekends. The way I see it Im 23 and Im not doing anything wrong.....so during the week I just go to work and go home because thats what they expect from me.

Ill get there.

[coll214]

My father had wanted me to initially get a condo, but i wanted out of my mother's house more; so i'm like klo- the happy poor :p. But if you can afford one now, i'd go for it...

[hajime]

Tank, that's a hard situation to deal with. Actually, I can relate in part because sometimes it seems like it's easier for me to get into relationships then to meet good friends-- esp. good female friends. OTOH, my situation is very different because I come off as your stereotypically quiet ( I wouldn't say shy, just reserved) person; and of course quiet people are so often judged/misinterpreted whatever, so it really doesn't work out so great for me.

Anyway, I'm still curious... like pisces said, maybe you are giving off some vibe or something that you aren't aware of. (Other than your SO, or father or whatever, is there anyone else who can give you some objective feedback ?) Maybe you are coming across as too open? Have you ever consciously tried to be less outgoing? That must sound like a really weird suggestion, but hey, who knows how others will respond to a different side of your personality...

I know there's one girl in my old dorm who was really nice and sociable and everything, but actually a percentage of our house disliked her because she would be really really nice to "everyone", even people she completely didn't know. So, she would be asking these people how their day went, and in general, acting overly concerned, pretending to care etc.--- and it just came across as contrived. She's a perfectly fine person really, I'm sure she just wants to be liked and popular; but there's a fine line between being friendly to everyone and acting overly concerned with everyone for the sake of being liked. I mean, just personally speaking, I got the impression from her that she was more interested in getting me to like her than in trying to get to know *me* as a person. Her "interest" in me was only a reflection of her interest in herself..

Anyway, just tossing some ideas out there. I just gave that example to show how a person's behavior might be interpreted differently by different people-- so while everyone starts out with good intentions, it's completely possible for those intentions to be interpreted the wrong way if we aren't careful...

Hmm... that guy Patrick totally doesn't sound like a friend at all... or even a nice person... I know you mentioned going clubbing, etc. in your posts. Have you tried making friends amongst a different crowd with different interests? At the very least, even if you guys had less in common, some of them might be kinder to you and treat you with more decency.

[TankgirlyC]

Ive met people from all walks of life. Its not like I only talk to people that have similar interests or go to similar places. Ive met people at bars, clubs, coffee houses, work, walking down the street, on the subway, in line AT subway......

As for being "overly" nice. I wouldnt consider myself a person who says hello how are you to everyone I see. And I am genuinely interested in what people have to say....for instance this girl who sits across from my cube....she came over to say hello good morning.....she had told me yesterday she was having a meeting with one of her roomies about some stuff going on in her apartment.....so after our hello's I asked...so how did it go last night. She and I chatted for 10 minutes. Her and I dont just talk about surface things either....we talk about politics, television and how there is a less ratio of good looking men in powerful positions than there are women (ex: Law and Order)-----we also talk about cultural contexts and how the apply to the US and abroad.....

There are few people I talk like this with in the office.....I mean yeah there are people I know that I say hello to...but Im not asking them how their evening was and what they did over the weekend.....

As for people other than my SO and my father giving me perspective....Ive gotten pleanty from old co-workers, their friends, random people on the net, people that I know siblings.....they all pretty much say the same thing....they cant believe that Im treated like this since Im so genuine and friendly, and that they think people are intimidated.

As for being less outgoing.....Its not like Im outgoing all of the time. I can tell you in new social situations where I dont know anyone Im usually quiet and just listening.....if someone starts talking to me directly Ill start talking to them......WHen I ask a question.....I wait for the answer and share little about myself until the relationship starts to be solidified. I dont reveal much about my personal life until it comes out in conversation.....so its not like Im saying Hi my name is Christa and I live in bla bla and I used to work at this place and this was great because.......
Usually its Hi Im Christa, nice to meet you. From there they either ask me something or Ill ask them something or compliment them on something they are wearing.

[TankgirlyC]

ADD ON....

As for meeting people "clubbing" Ive met 2. Jim and his buddy Steve.

I dont go around at clubs trying to make friends. I go with people I know already for a good time. I just make calls when I go into Providence because most of the people I know in RI are more able to go to Prov than to Newport.

I met Pat through my roommate Crystal my Junior year of college. Pat and I have kept in contact via E mail and occasional phone calls. SO its not like he is a "clubbing" buddy or whatever....I just happen to call him when I wanted to go to this place that HE is usually going to on a SAturday night.

The other people I called this weekend....
Lauren (met her through 2 classes I had with her my senior year of college) she was working but didnt call me to tell me she WASNT going to come out for a drink.

Keith (lived 3 doors down from me my Soph. year of college) he didnt get back to me but thats typical for him. We always play phone tag.....but its always funny when we do but end up at the same place not planning it.

Julie (roomy my senior year....didnt know her beforehand)----I havent seen Julie since March of 2003. I called her to wish her a happy graduation and took a chance this past Sat calling to see if she was free.

Paul (lived across the street from me senior year)----he lives in MA and its a bit of a hike for him to get to Prov but sometimes he stays with his friends there....I just took a chance.

Mike (met him through my Wed night class senior year)----he works really hard during the week and usually takes weekends to catch up on curriculum and sleep......he called me the previous week to see if I was feeling better since I had been so sick.

SO all these people I met in random places.....