Don't have a date? Things to try..

[KyFeller]

Hi all -

Just signed on to this bulletin board and it's overwhelmingly about being dateless. I've been dateless for.. oh... I don't want to think about it.. but there are some things I do when the black book is empty.

1) Take up a new hobby. I bought an acoustic guitar for a Christmas present to myself (since I didn't have a girl to give me a present.. hehe) and it's turned out to be an incredible investment. Whether my mood is more classic rock or Christian, it's been a lifesaver many times.

2) Get a dog. My dog Mandy means the world to me. She is also an excuse to get out and get some exercise.

3) Get a bike. The exercise will do you good and you'll feel a lot better as well. I can't ever remember a time when I was down that a long bike ride didn't resolve.

4) Get outside. Don't stay indoors and mope. That will only increase your anxiety and/or depression and more than likely will increase your waist size. It's true that sunlight brightens your mood. Go for a walk or sit on a front porch visiting somebody.

5) Pray. Who you pray to is your personal decision, but it's important to lift your concerns to a higher being.

I hope this helps someone.
Carson, Lexington KY

[klo1335]

Thanks for the list. My problem is that what happens once you have tried all those things and are still dateless? Thats when it starts to get depressing.

[pisces2473]

Yup, same here.

As for the prayer...I keep trying to tell myself that it's God's plan and he'll bring someone around when it's time, but I'm like, "Could ya hurry it up?" OR "Why am I the only one that has to wait, and everyone else is successful?"

[KyFeller]

Yeah, I know the feeling. I could have easily felt the pain when I went to an amusement park this past Sunday by myself. I was the only one that I saw that didn't go with anyone. However, I still had a good time meeting people in line and doing what I wanted WHEN I wanted. Your time as a single is time that you can do anything you want.. whether it's go to a foreign land, drive cross country, or.. go to an amusement park on a whim. Your time can also be spent being depressed about not having anyone. It's really your decision. Use your temporary freedom of being single and unattached to your advantage and live life the way YOU want!

[pisces2473]

You're so positive and have such a good outlook! Can you pass me some of that? I try to stay positive, but I think that since I'm surrounded by couples, I can't help but feel down.

[doctor_kaz]

I have done literally everything imaginable by myself. I have done the amusement park. I went to Australia by myself recently even. I'm ready for that temporary single period to be not so temporary now. At some point, the theraputic effects of activities start to wear off because whenever you go somewhere you start to notice that you are the only one there by yourself. This is when socializing becomes work and not pleasure.

[klo1335]

At some point, the theraputic effects of activities start to wear off because whenever you go somewhere you start to notice that you are the only one there by yourself. This is when socializing becomes work and not pleasure.

Exactly my point and it is beginning to drive me crazy!!!!

[KyFeller]

You have to realize the grass is not always greener on the dating side. Would you rather be in a relationship that doesn't turn out right? A friend of mine that I went to high school with is realizing that a little too late... married w/ two kids. I don't want to be in a relationship that will drain me financially, mentally and spiritually. I don't want to ever have to go to court over an ex-girlfriend. You can go to a bar and grab just about anyone if you want, but for me, I'd rather come across the right person. That right person may take years to show up, so in the mean time, (I sound like a broken record) why not use your time to better yourself?

[doctor_kaz]

Originally posted by KyFeller
You have to realize the grass is not always greener on the dating side. Would you rather be in a relationship that doesn't turn out right? A friend of mine that I went to high school with is realizing that a little too late... married w/ two kids. I don't want to be in a relationship that will drain me financially, mentally and spiritually. I don't want to ever have to go to court over an ex-girlfriend. You can go to a bar and grab just about anyone if you want, but for me, I'd rather come across the right person. That right person may take years to show up, so in the mean time, (I sound like a broken record) why not use your time to better yourself?

I would settle for just something temporary even right now. Like a starting point. I can't even find a relationship that doesn't work. As for going to the bar and grabbing anyone? I wish that I could do that too.

[pisces2473]

Those of us who have never been in a relationship don't have another side to look at. It's not that we think everything will improve when we get into a relationship, it's just that we'll have another perspective.

[KyFeller]

I know that feeling too. It's pretty obvious when you look in my car. The driver side is well used but the passenger side is flawless. That sometimes makes me wish I had someone to break it in even if it's just for one or two dates. It's ok to let your feelings out at times as well when the thoughts of emptiness become to much. Just don't spend your single life pondering over it. You might miss out on other opportunities.

[klo1335]

You can go to a bar and grab just about anyone if you want, but for me, I'd rather come across the right person. That right person may take years to show up, so in the mean time, (I sound like a broken record) why not use your time to better yourself?

You are so positive and I try to think like that too. But at times it just becomes so difficult and it makes me sad when I see all of my happy friends with their SO. How far is KY from Philly ;)

[KyFeller]

I imagine there are one or two SO friends of yours that wish they were in your shoes. Wishing for their freedom and financial independance again, etc. Do you put up a good front when you are with them? I wonder if they are doing the same? Things that make ya go hmmm....

Philly is 500 miles away from Lexington. :cry:

[wrbroadpro]

KyFeller-

I really admire your faith and outlook and your ideas When you get discouraged, and we all do, remember there is only ONE who was created to be your soul mate and compliment who you are. The same way God is preparing you for her, He is preparing Her for you. More than likely she is feeling the same way at the same time. This may seem stupid, but the times when I feel hopelessly down and alone, I will pray that God will encourage my future mate through her lonely times. You never know, years down the road, when you found out that you might have made a difference before you met.

[pisces2473]

Anyone else is welcomed to put their thoughts in too!

Where do you guys go to meet girls? I really find it hard to meet guys who have faith and try to live their lives in a "good" way, if you know what I'm saying. ;) I go to church, I'm the only 20 something there. How depressing. I don't know if it's a denominational thing (I'm Catholic) or an area thing (I live in CT) or what, but I would hope to meet and marry someone of the same faith background with the same ideals. I don't want to date heavily and just be disappointed.

[KyFeller]

That's just it Jen. I don't go "out to look for babes" or anything like that. I would only set myself up for disappointment. What I do is go to events that interest me like music festivals, concerts and workships.. someplace where I would have fun regardless if I met anyone. If I find someone with similar interests that spark into something more, that's great. If I don't, I still had a good time with my loyal sidekick Mandy the dog and new friends I met while I was there. Try some new things to broaden your interests, and then develop those interests and hobbies.

[wrbroadpro]

Jen-

Good question. I have met many females, but not many ladies. Actually, I have never dated a girl that I met at church. Since I have been to TN, the two girls that I met that I liked I met at the gym and the driving range. Don't get discouraged, and definitely keep your high standards. Personally speaking, I am attracted to ladies who relentlessly pursue growing themselves physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. So places like the gym, parks, library, societal clubs, church etc could be your best areas to 'fish.'

bb

[pisces2473]

Maybe I don't do enough "other" things. I go to the gym, I go to work, I'm on some committees at work, I have a part time job, too. I plan on going back to school for my masters within the next 2 years. It's like, what else can I do? All of my friends don't have time/money to try new things that I might like to do...not to mention I don't live in a bustling metropolis. New Haven is okay, but there's not too much.

I do want a dog! But my landlord doesn't allow them and I might be moving soon...when you've got a dog, it makes it tough to find a place that will allow them.

[KyFeller]

I think you are catching on. If you were attached/had kids/etc, it would be hard or impossible for you to move. I was able to move to a city I liked and buy the type of house in a neighborhood that I was after. I am also beginning my masters in Jan 2004. Also, don't do so many things that you wear yourself thin. I have two days in the week to relax and do nothing if I want.

Regarding dogs and apartments, you can use this resource to find one..

http://www.dogfriendly.com/mysearch/dogportal.html

[pisces2473]

Thanks for the link--will have to check it out.

The gym is done before work, the part time job is done when I want (I do research for a prof from home), so I think I probably have more time to do things than I think...it's just a matter of finding something that interests me that won't be totally female oriented, LOL.

[RedHead1420]

Originally posted by doctor_kaz
I have done literally everything imaginable by myself.

wow do i know that feeling. this is what all my friends tell me to do "just go do things alone, it's ok" but after awhile, it takes the fun out of the things that you're doing, at least for me anyway. grocery shopping or going to the mall when you are going for a specific thing are fine with me, i don't mind. but it's when you have to start doing things like going to movies alone, going to the beach alone, going out for dinner alone (something i have yet to manage to do), that it starts taking its toll on you and you start feeling bad about yourself. or at least i do anyway.

this reminds me of this scene from As Good as it Gets where the character played by Helen Hunt says something about how when she sees couples out somewhere and she's alone she finds herself giving them dirty looks. (that's a pretty bad description of the movie, i have to apologize) But I find myself doing this without even realizing that I am!

My point is (and yes, I do have one): it's easy for people to say "go do things alone" but it's hard to do that for a lot of people, and its even harder to keep on doing that for a long time.

[pisces2473]

Thank you RedHead! NICELY PUT! :D

[wrbroadpro]

For some reason going to dinner by myself is ok. But one thing I will never do is go to a movie by myself. I agree, almost any activity is better with someone.

[KyFeller]

If doing things alone really bothers you that much, there are organziations that cater to us singles. I went on a singles Carribean cruise in 2002 and had a blast. There are also church functions that organize activities for friends to get together. There are also numerous clubs that cater to your hobbies and interests. I am taking a ballroom dancing class this Fall. It just takes a little research.

My problem is I've been alone for so long, I'm used to doing things when I want to do them. If I don't like a church service, I can get up and leave whenever. Ditto for concerts, movies etc. Taco Bell at 3:30 AM? Hop in the car and go. It will take a special person in my life for me to give up that freedom.

I have to admit there are many times I don't attend an event due to not wanting to go alone, but when I do manage to get there, I end up having a good time. Don't let life pass by due to a fear of going somewhere alone.

[pisces2473]

You've left church in the middle of the service? Aren't you supposed to stay til the end out of respect?? LOL

I'll say it again...you are AWESOME for how you just do what you want and don't worry about being alone. I wish I had some of those guts!

[wrbroadpro]

see threat "QLC Ministry Ideas" I would love for you to share some of the successes in the Singles ministry at your church and other ideas you have. I am starting such a group at my church soon and looking for ideas.

[TankgirlyC]

Kyfeller,
I know what you mean about doing things alone.
Maybe it has to do that I never had friends not even when in hs when most people are concentrated on their friends....I was always too independent of that.

I think most of it has come from being an only child. When your an only you have this independence that other people tend to not understand. I could go to a party, think it was sucky and just LEAVE. People would get upset at me for this.....but what reason did I have to stay? To hang out with the people I went with at some sucky place? Hell I could find better more fun things to do alone....thats how I occupied myself when I was little.

Doing things alone gives you a chance to learn about yourself. There is nothing like a day at the beach with no one to bug you about wanting to get food, leave, move spots, change the station.....

Even in Cosmo they speak about taking a vacation to someplace tropical alone. How exhillarating it can be.......

And about going to taco bell at 330 am......you dont have to give that up----just because you have someone like an SO doesnt mean they have to go with you or want to go------go because YOU want to and can go on your own because you have before.

[wrbroadpro]

TankgirlyC-

Glad to know others have the only child syndrome. Worse, I was adopted, so I am fiercly independent.

Seems to me like the common theme is that it is no disgrace to do things by yourself, but it is much better to have friends to do things with.

[doctor_kaz]

I was not an only child and I am as solitary as a desert scorpion.

[pisces2473]

Why does being adopted make you more independent than someone who is a biological only child?

[wrbroadpro]

Jen-
For me, being adopted lacks the connection to a family unit that I assume most feel. Yes there is love there and a family connection, but I liken it to a roommate relationship. Nothing scientfic there or professional research, just my personal experience. Hopefully someone out there can identify with what I am about to write. Feedback is always welcome. Being adopted increases my desire to settle down and start a family because of that lack of connection growing up. Any psycology/behavior science people out there? Sorry to get off subject.

[KyFeller]

Jen -

I didn't write that I was adopted. I believe that was WRBroadPro. As I stated earlier, my father married late and that may be where I get a lot of my ideas from. It worked for him, it can work for me. As for walking out of a service, yep, if it doesn't relate to me, I'm outta there.

Tankgirl -

I wasn't an only child, but I might as well had been. I had one sister and she did her thing and I did mine. I spent a lot of time on my computer in the 80's. The first year I used a modem was 1987 as a kid to do what we are doing now... sharing ideas. I guess that's why I have always expressed myself better through writing. Believe it or not, I tend to be rather shy and probably my #1 reason why I'm still single. Think Kevin Arnold from the Wonder Years tv show with this "Uhh Uhhh..." when he is around a cute girl. You can't stutter online!

Regarding Taco Bell, sure you can still go, but you may have to face aggression with statements like "What do you think you're doing?!?!" It's also true for me for shopping.. I normally go between 2:30-3:30 AM. My dog doesn't seem to mind what time I go as long as I bring her back something.

WRBroadPro - Sure, I'll try to find that post and help out.

[pisces2473]

Sorry Wrbroadpro...I addressed that to KyFeller! I corrected it. My apologies. :redface:

I'm not adopted and I'm not an only child, so I don't know what it's like not to have a sibling around. I was almost 2 when my brother was born and don't remember him NOT being in our house.

I don't understand what you are saying, because to me, being an only child is being an only child, whether you're adopted or biological. You don't have siblings, so you have your parents full attention...but at the same time, you don't have ready made playmates, so you have to do a lot of solitary play and making your own fun. I would think any independence gained from being an only child would be the same.

On the other hand, I know only children who are really DEPENDENT because their parents wanted to do everything for them.

I'm the oldest and I'm very independent...I just think it comes with the way you were brought up, and has nothing to do with your sibling situation--although that does influence things.

[TankgirlyC]

Kyfeller....
If you are with someone and they say to you "What do you think you are doing" they arent letting you be yourself in the relationship. If you were doing it before----Im sure if you lived at your place and your SO at theirs...you might mention "oh I went to Taco bell last night at 330"
The person you are with would know you were doing that.....so if you ever lived with them the statement what do you think you are doing.....shouldnt really happen.
Like I said you dont have to give up those freedoms just because you have an SO.

Pisces as for being an only child vs being a child with siblings. There are those onlys who are dependent......but in most respects are independent in other ways (maybe their thinking, needing to be around people etc)
When you dont have siblings you learn to play on your own. You dont have someone next to you that lives in your house to make games with or laugh with. Your parents dont always join in the fun because well they dont understand the development tahts going on in a toddlers brain.
Because of that you become independent-----add into that that I never had friends and I dont really know how doing things with friends is any more fun.
I have been shopping at the mall with people-----it drove me nuts. I had to wait for them, when I was looking around they wanted to go and I had the pressure to hurry up and make decisions on to buy or not to buy.....they told me what they thought of what i picked out (good and bad) just too much an annoyance to me.

Doctor_Kas---I never said you had to be an only child to be independent. Just that being an only gives different perspective on pressure to be around people or be on your own when doing things.

WRBROADPRO---Im a behavior/psychology person. I would say your feeling of just being roommates with your family (yes family because these are the people who loved you, taught you and parented you) comes from their not making you feel that adoption isnt just about living together.
Family is vastly becoming a word that is used to describe many situations......40 years ago it was mom dad and 2.5 children. The nuclear family.
Since you were adopted its totally normal to long for your blood roots and know where you came from------but the people you lived with for your life, they are your family. They care what happens to you, they loved you enough to bring you into their lives----perminantly.
Obviously I dont know you personally so I can only go on generalizations.
And since Im typing on a message board its hard to get enough info out to you.
Please feel free to PM me and Ill gladly give you my E mail if you feel that talking to someone would help.
Im no professional, but sometimes its nice to talk about being an only....and about other issues within the family.

[hajime]

Yeah, I never did understand the whole thing about a relationship "tying you down", etc. Marriage, kids, I could see, but a relationship?

don't know about the rest of you, but I still plan on doing all the things I do now when I do get into a serious relationship... sure, there are obligations-- if I make a date with my SO, I'll keep it. But that just has to do with being a mature adult-- single people make commitments to their friends and families as well, do they not? Just because I'm in a relationship doesn't obligate me to spend all my free time, weekends etc. with my SO-- I mean, if the relationship were satisfying and good I'd assume I'd want to spend a significant portion of that time with him, but I don't think there should ever been the feeling of sacrifice, obligation etc. If you really like the person, you would *want* to do things with them, and occasionally give up something you want to do to be with them-- but when you do it, it shouldn't feel like a sacrifice, it should feel like a conscious choice that you make willingly.

And, (I think many people neglect this), if your SO doesn't share some of your interests, that's not an excuse to stop pursuing those interests! Just go do them yourself or with friends!

[KyFeller]

Tankgirl -

I hope your right. There have been countless times I heard coworkers call their SO's about the most trivial matters. It only adds unnecessary stress in their lives that could be avoided. Using the Taco Bell example again, I would love to find someone that would fire back this response regardless of the time.

"Where are you going?"
"I'm going to Taco Bell"
"Ok"

I would also love to find someone that is spontaneous like me. Wake up at 7:30 AM on a Saturday without a clue on what you are going to do. Decide at 7:50 to go hiking. Leave for hiking at 7:55.

Also, I know what you mean about going to the mall with someone. Worse for me was when I took a blind date to an amusement park... an idea we both agreed on. She didn't want to ride anything! That obviously didn't last long.

Hang in there guys. There's someone out there that is perfect for us.

[lioness524]

I'm tired of those people who always need a date to go out and have a good time. Yes, I have had the same boyfriend for 2.5 years, but we like to do things with other people or by ourselves sometimes. Monday I went to see American Wedding by myself... and you know what?? I had a DAMN good time!! There's other times where I have gone to eat by myself or with friends, or gone to the mall and sipped coffees and read magazines, or sometimes when I'm broke I stay home and play the Sims on my Gamecube. I'm the kind of person who likes good time alone and I can still have fun at it too.

[KyFeller]

Lioness -

Yes, it is fun to go on things alone w/out your SO, but the main concern of this thread is doing things alone ALL the time. "Always needs a date" for this group including me should be changed to "Would like to go on a date for once".