Feelings for sister-in-law...

[juniordoc]

First post for me...

I'm married, in my mid-20's and beginning to have feelings for my sister-in-law (my wife's sister). It's very difficult because my wife and I are very happy. Still, I can't seem to get my sister-in-law out of my head. I used to be annoyed by her when she was younger, but now she's matured and we're much more alike. Has anyone else ever experienced this? We have participated in some VERY mild flirting in the past. I would venture that she may even have similar feelings for me. She's had a lot of boyfriend troubles in the past and is currently single. She hasn't been treated well to say the least. Even though our relationship could never go anywhere, I feel like I want to tell her that she is a great person despite how others have treated her, and that I do care for her more than I probably should. It's so diffcult having these feelings and wanting to express them. I'd love to hear from you all with any advice/suggestions/sympathy :) Thanks in advance.

[gracieTx]

I'm not married myself but have two married sisters and therefore will put myself in your sister-in-law's shoes as I say this: Its great that you may give sympathy to your sil for her current relationship problems and it would show her what an understanding & caring person her sister has chosen to spend her life with. However, by learning that her brother in law had feelings toward her would not make her feel good about her relationship past or her worth as a person/partner. It would simply point out the fact that just as she herself had been treated poorly by past boyfriends, her sister is now being treated the same way by her own husband.

PLEASE tread lightly with this situation; by expressing your feelings (or just having them in the first place) you are potentially ruining the relationship of all involved including any other siblings & parents who may eventually have to take sides should such a situation explode.

[girlinterrupted]

I am married in my mid-20s as well, and I think I know where you are coming from. It seems like when you get married, your social life with the opposite sex totally dies - all of your friends of the opposite sex stop calling, and you aren't going out to bars or other social activities where you are constantly thrown in the mix with potential partners. Excluding co-workers, the people you end up spending the most time with are family members. And you can't really begin to have true feelings for someone unless you are around them steadily. It makes sense that you feel what you feel - you're married, not dead below the waist. You are going to be attracted to other people, just as your wife is probably attracted to other people.

That is where it should end. You say you are very happy with your wife, so don't jeopardize it. When you are alone, you should write a letter to your sister-in-law telling her everything you want to say, then rip it into a million pieces or burn it. Weird but strangely cathartic.

[Edibleautopsy]

Hi there.

I'm not an expert on these issues but, IMO, don't follow through with any impulses or desires. Just imagine the grief and turmoil you'd cause if you left your current wife for her sister - I cringe when I think of the consequences. The damage would be irreparable and your current wife would probably need lots of therapy for her to go on with her life.

Infatuation is a real sunofabitch especially if the other person is unattainable because of life's circumstances. Beating infatuated is tough, but what worked for me in the past is to not:

* fixate on her
* fantasize about her

I realize that’s easier said than done, but that’s what worked for me.

From your screename I'm assuming you're either in med school or in your residency. Focus on your career and your family and don't give in to your genitals when it comes to infatuation.

Just my opinion/advice.

[juniordoc]

I appreciate the advice. However, isn't it possible, even though I'm male, that I'm not thinking with my genitals? As my sis-in-law gets older, she and I are having more and more in common. I find myself just wanting to spend time with her just talking. I like how I feel when I'm in her company. She is very attractive, but in the past that's all she was. Now it's like I hardly see her physical attributes. It's the rest of her that's gotten my attention. I know all of this is crazy. It torments me because I know what a disaster it would be if anyone found out I'm feeling this way. I'm actually considering seeing a counselor because, other than you folks on this board, I have no one I can talk to about this.

[pisces2473]

I think you should definitely see a counselor. We are a good support system for you, but I think talking to someone in real life will be a much better thing for you. Good luck!

[cheetah]

Originally posted by juniordoc
I appreciate the advice. However, isn't it possible, even though I'm male, that I'm not thinking with my genitals?

Of course it is possible. but, whether you are thinking with your brain or your genitals doesn't really affect whether or not you should act on or encourage the feelings you are having. What matters is how much you want to jeopardize all these relationships. Definitely see a counselor for help in understanding your feelings and how to accept them without damaging any relationships you'd like to preserve.

[maryann]

I know it's been awhile since this message was posted, but I wanted to add my two cents into this discussion. My husband and I recently read a book on "How to Build an Affair-Proof Marriage" by a guy named Hartley. The point of the book is that if you as spouses are filling each others "basic" needs, there's no way that you'd even think about looking outside the marriage. Admittedly, no marriage is completely perfect, but you may want to consider that your interest in your sister-in-law may be reflecting an un-met need in your own marriage. My husband and I aren't into much pop-psychology, but this Hartley guy actually made some pretty good arguments - my husband was even impressed, and that says a lot for a cocky medical student. ;)

[adamjai]

One thing you should definitely try is when you start thinking about your sil is to think about your wife. When your sil pops into your head, think about your wife on your first date. When you have intimate thoughts of your sil (don't know if you do, but thinking you probably have :) ) think about the first time you and your wife made love. Remember all of the things that attracted you to your wife in the first place.

I think maybe when some of us are married for awhile, we start to forget what attracted us to our spouses in the first place. My hubby and I have only been married for four years, so I haven't found this a problem yet, but I do often find myself remembering our first kiss, our first date, etc., and I think that helps keep me wanting him.

Remember, you once felt what you are feeling for your sil for your wife, only much more strongly. And if none of the other stuff works, each time your sil pops into your head picture her on the toilet. :razz: