Just found out that the guy i have a crush on is gay

[Rusalka]

:redface: :sad:

OK here's the story. I 've known this guy, D, for about a year and became attracted to him soon after we met. he's my teacher :razz: for this evening class I'm taking, and i 've enjoyed spending time interacting with him on a kind of informally professional level (the class is just for fun, not leading to any professional qualifications). We seemed to have A LOT of common interests. Not only that, he seemed to be giving me loads of attention in class - ok, it's probably because i do well in this class and i try to be a friendly and fun participant, but i really thought he was attracted to me. He started talking about us meeting up some time for drinks ... but i thought, "we're all adults here, it's an informal course, no harm in socialising once in a while" ...

I sort of couldnt decide for a long time if he was straight or not - there were details about him that i was not sure about - but decided he was probably straight. (Wishful thinking) ( My friends often tell me to be more optimistic)

Last Saturday we did end up hanging out at a concert for a while, then went to a cafe where he introduced me to some of his friends / colleagues. I was really nervous, and it was a surreal night on MANY counts - so i just concentrated on having a good time, making small talk and generally trying to survive an evening with people i didn't know. I didnt get any flirty sort of vibe from him but i felt ok with that - he's my teacher and all, and i think he's actually very shy. so i thought nothing of it. just a night hanging out.

Well last night i had coffee with J, a colleague of mine and, coincidentally, a pal of his. And it came up in our convo why he would not ever be into me in that way :frustrate

I feel actually OK about this, since:
1 - i can still enjoy his classes
2 - we could still be friends maybe
3 - i've never tried flirting, issuing date-like invitations or any other potentially embarrassing behaviour !

But I'm now feeling really disappointed, frustrated and upset. I've had problems with confidence and self-esteem all my life, I'm really shy around guys (though I've dated some, so i like to think i'm not completely clueless...) and i guess i wanted someone to be interested in me. it hurts that he isnt. Also I'm annoyed at myself for taking this a bit too seriously andn not picking up on signals earlier. I'm feeling depressed too because it takes me for ever to find guys i like and to feel i can trust them. And this is not the first time i've had a big crush on a guy who turned out to be gay ....

Well thanks all for reading, i just had to vent and i do feel better now. Will try to be less hard on myself.

Thoughts and comments will be appreciated.

[WorkInProgress]

Glad you could vent. There's no real advice, just commiseration. I hope you a your teacher can become good friends, since you seemed to have an easy, friendly sort of relationship before now.

It is always disappointing to find out for sure (even if you knew it already), the person who you have a crush on will not return your affections. (I think one of the exhilarating things about crushes is that it is possible, even if that possibility is so small as to be negligible.)

[wordsmith]

Okay...I'm gonna hope that what I write here isn't going to offend any posters, just as I'd hope it wouldn't offend my gay friends, due to being admittedly generalize-y.

But, I had it happen where I was attracted to a guy or two over the years who turned out to be gay as well. It happens. I'm good at picking up on signals now, but I wasn't earlier in life. I think it's not unusual for young women, particularly sensitive (maybe even a little insecure) women to be drawn to gay men, at least, some gay men. I know for me, it was a draw to be around guys who were sensitive and artistic (and, yes, I KNOW not all sensitive and artistic guys are gay...but the arts obvious do attract their share of gay men...I also know plenty of gay men who are sarcastic and bitchy and not at all sensitive...hence the generalization disclaimer). Also, gay men can (another generalization, since everyone can be brooding and/or angsty and/or mean when they wanna) be A LOT of fun, and fun is always attractive.

You say this isn't a first time thing for you, and that you have kind of low self esteem? Is it possible that on some level, something on you subconsciously picks up on the fact that there's no threatening vibe? That possibly the reason you feel more secure around these men? I think at some level, part of the reason I always felt secure around these guys was because I sensed they legitimately liked me for me...weren't trying to get in my pants (BOY, were they not trying to get in my pants). But I was always starved for guys just to like me for who I am, so it was sort of a blinding thing.

Just some off the cuff theories hindsight being 20/20.

[Deavan]

If it makes you feel any better one of my first COLLEGE BFs came out of the closet after we broke up...he and I had an innocent relationship he was artsy creative etc,we were best friends first,

But then he transfered schools and two years later calls me up and asks me if I was sitting down and I was like yah and he told me this "I am gay I have known for a long time, actually since before we dated but I hadnt come to terms with it so it was easy for me to have a "fake" relationship with you to convince the people around us that I was straight."


UM, yeah needless to say I was floored, I felt humiliated, used and my confidence around men went OUT the window for a good amount of time...

So at least things between you and the teacher didnt progress to the level that things with me and that guy did...

[sundaycomics]

That happened to me once in high school. I had a crush on this guy for a year and half. Everyone else knew he was gay but I was in denial. I wasn't exactly good at hiding it. Made things pretty awkward throughout HS.

That really sucks about this guy - hopefully you can still be friends though, and that sounds pretty likely to me.

[Rusalka]

Thanks for your responses - i do feel a bit better for reading them. thank you.

I think it's not unusual for young women, particularly sensitive (maybe even a little insecure) women to be drawn to gay men, at least, some gay men. I know for me, it was a draw to be around guys who were sensitive and artistic (and, yes, I KNOW not all sensitive and artistic guys are gay...but the arts obvious do attract their share of gay men...I also know plenty of gay men who are sarcastic and bitchy and not at all sensitive...hence the generalization disclaimer).

- Oh yes, I will freely admit that I'm sensitive, and sometimes incredibly insecure. And I'm very often drawn to guys who are sensitive and artistic. This guy D enjoys arthouse films and photography, speaks 4 languages, goes traveling a lot, and seems like a really kind and nice person ... just the kind of guy i dig .... :frustrate
By the way, I'm not that young, I'm 28!!! Sometimes i give myself a hard time for not having better 'guy skills' at my age. but i'm working on it.


You say this isn't a first time thing for you, and that you have kind of low self esteem? Is it possible that on some level, something on you subconsciously picks up on the fact that there's no threatening vibe? That possibly the reason you feel more secure around these men?

- Well, I've never been a really confident person, for many reasons. I have always been wary of guys and of embracing my sexuality - again, many reasons, which would take too long to explain and would end up with me jacking my own thread ... but I'm really lucky to have a good therapist and I'm working through my issues.

I really have a hard time believing that men would like me, but I think I'm too susceptible to any positive attention that guys give me, if I like them. I'm sure that the lack of perceived 'threat' from guys (such as D, whom I find sweet and friendly; also the other guy this happened with) makes me feel comfortable, it's an attractive quality for me. I generally find gay guys much more approachable because i don't have to deal with the potential sexual side of a relationship, flirting, possible rejection if i like them, etc. Sigh.

[Rusalka]

If it makes you feel any better one of my first COLLEGE BFs came out of the closet after we broke up...he and I had an innocent relationship he was artsy creative etc,we were best friends first,

But then he transfered schools and two years later calls me up and asks me if I was sitting down and I was like yah and he told me this "I am gay I have known for a long time, actually since before we dated but I hadnt come to terms with it so it was easy for me to have a "fake" relationship with you to convince the people around us that I was straight."


UM, yeah needless to say I was floored, I felt humiliated, used and my confidence around men went OUT the window for a good amount of time...

So at least things between you and the teacher didnt progress to the level that things with me and that guy did...

Deavan, I'm sorry. That must suck. But i think it's not actually that uncommon a situation to be in. If it makes you feel any better, similar things actually happened to 3 girls I know! One of them is my best friend and she says it was obvious to everyone but her that the guy was gay but not dealing with it at all. It seemed he was using her to convince everyone (and himself?) that he wanted a straight relationship. she admits she was young and innocent at the time and didnt realise until later.

I was venting to this friend last night and she says the important thing is not to blame yourself for any of it. It's not your fault that the guy doesn't fancy you, there is nothing wrong with you, it's just that he has his own specific issues which he needs to deal with.

I think it can be so hard to tell with some people. Not surprising that we make mistakes. J told me she was friends with D for a year before she realised.

[wordsmith]

This guy C, who I was in college with, he and I got to be good friends my junior year, his senior year...he had been engaged to a girl in my circle of friends, and she broke the engagement off. He and I started spending a lot of time together, and began a relationship partway through my junior year, which continued on after he graduated, and became a long distance relationship when he moved cross country after graduation. We split up halfway through my senior year. I haven't talked to him, really, since we split, maybe a couple of times.

I know in my gut he's gay, but I think he will probably always repress it. Oddly, it never made me insecure about myself or anything. I was ENRAGED for a long time that he, I felt at the time, used me as a cover, rather than just remain friends with me and confide in me that he was gay. I thought, and still think, when I do think about it, that it was horribly selfish and unfeeling to allow somebody to become attached to you, and promote a relationship, when you're no more interested than the man in the moon...gay or not gay. But I do realize that he had, and probably still has, very severe issues...his family would never accept a son being gay, his engagement was a bit of a sham...two people questioning their orientation attempting to do something conventional. I wasn't that innocent and naive...we'd talk about sexuality a lot...his line was always that he considered himself bisexual, but was more attracted to women. I think that he really wanted to MAKE himself attracted to women, but it just wasn't in the cards.

In any case, he was messed up at the time, and I was a nice person who did care about him, so he reached out to me. It's no reflection on me. It hurt, though. Not because he's probably gay, so much as me feeling like he really didn't care how using somebody to try to convince yourself you're straight would make that person feel. So selfish.