dbluex
03-14-2006, 07:42 AM
The following is the summary of my "quarter life" crisis and how I arrived here. While I intend to keep it short...it will likely end up as a small novel. My guess is that the majority of people that read it can at least relate in some way. Please forgive any spelling/grammatical errors you may encounter--it's been a long night!
I will use this paragraph to set the stage:
I'm a 22-year-old guy who recently moved back home with my parents...and I'm completely stuck in a rut. I have plenty of good qualities...and honestly not trying to brag, I'll start there. Physically...I am tall, fit, and attractive. We live in a world full of people that determine the value of others based heavily on looks alone...so it's one advantage I have out-of-the-box. Beyond that, I am very intelligent, good-natured, caring, creative, etc. I could go on...but I think you get the idea--I don't want anyone to start gagging themselves. Because of these qualities...I have pretty much coasted through my entire life. I grew up with loving and supportive parents that made a decent living. We weren't extremely wealthy by any means...but we got by fine and our house was always full of love. I've always had an abundance of friends--people enjoy being around me. Even when I'm feeling terrible on the inside...I hold it in and make sure everybody around me is enjoying themselves. I have a 15-year-old brother that is my best friend. We do just about everything together and he looks up to me. He probably doesn't know it...but I look up to him in many ways as well. For most of my life I always seemed to get whatever I wanted with very little effort. Obviously that is a big reason why my life has been seemingly falling apart...but definitely not the only reason. I've hit a few inevitable "bumps in the road" along the way...but I don't blame anyone but myself for where I'm at right now in life. I've been given every opportunity and I always seem to throw it away. I've known for awhile that I need to start making some changes...but it took a night like tonight for me to realize that something needs to change NOW. I try so hard to be someone that I'm not...and to project this image of success...that I've become almost "fake." Very few people know me for who I really am...and I'm afraid to show them out of fear that they will reject me.
I had a bad night tonight--a really bad night. I've been in love with a girl that I've been "just friends" with for years...and I finally decided it's time to quit sitting back and letting everything pass me by. My biggest fear in life is rejection and/or failure...so I rarely take a chance on anything unless I am pretty certain it will go the way I want it to. I finally got up the courage to confess to her...and tonight was the night. All of these years...I've wondered if she felt the same way. Unfortunately I found out she didn't. I drove off crying like an idiot...stopped by a bar and had too much to drink...and ended up wrapping my fancy sports car around a pole and getting a DUI. I sat in jail for about an hour until my Dad came to bail me out...and in that hour I made a promise to myself that I was going to start making a serious effort to get my life back on track. For some reason I feel different than I usually do in these situations. I don't feel sorry for myself this time--I feel like picking myself back up and making some positive changes. The problem is I have no idea where to start.
More background:
I was a straight-A student without trying my whole life until about my junior year in high school...where I started slacking a bit too much and getting some Bs and Cs. I knew I had adult ADD through self-diagnosis...but I'd never been to a doctor for it because it wasn't interfering with my life that much--I wasn't failing school or anything. I graduated high school with around a 3.4 GPA...and ended up with the highest ACT score in my class of over 500 students. I had a lot of friends in high school...despite being involved in very few extracurricular activities. Unfortunately, as much as I wanted to, I never had any real relationships with girls simply because I was too shy around them. I was young and not too worried about it. Life was going pretty good...and I went off to college at a good school. I suddenly hit a brick wall. Socially I had a great time in college...but I just couldn't motivate myself to go to class or even care about school itself. After the first semester I was put on academic probation...and ended up moving back home with my parents. It was the first time in my life that I felt like I had truly failed.
After moving back home and having a month off school...I started going to a smaller university in my hometown. I was embarrassed to go there because everyone that knew me always expected me to be going to some prestigious school...and here I was going to the school that everyone used to make fun of. I went and saw a psychiatrist...got on some ADD medication...ended up finishing the semester with a 4.0 GPA...and still felt very unsatisfied.
All of my old friends from high school started pouring back home for summer break...excited about finishing their first year of college...and within a couple of weeks my entire life revolved around partying. I wasn't really worried about anything. I was young--it was time to have fun. I was fortunate enough to still have thousands of dollars saved up from the computer business I ran back in high school...so I wasn't even worried about money. Life was good...I was once again the center of attention...and I had my whole life ahead of me. Worrying about school and my career could wait. This was the greatest summer of my life...and I never wanted it to end.
Unfortunately...all good things come to an end. As quickly as everyone had come back...they were gone. Summer was over...I was broke...and I was once again faced with reality. I decided to take some time off from school, start my business back up, and make some money. I quickly realized that it takes serious time and dedication to run a successful business...and because of my apparent inability to apply myself towards anything...I became quickly discouraged. I was just 19 years old...and I was so concerned with making money...living the dream...and upholding this image of success that everyone associated me with...that I turned to making money illegally.
I won't elaborate on how I was making money...but I was making around $5000/week profit with very little time or dedication. It was my dream job...minus the fact that I was breaking the law. I thought that I was so smart I'd never get caught...and I kept everything a complete secret. I had a great cover and absolutely nobody knew the truth. At the time I was living with my parents...so I had virtually no expenses. I was buying thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars worth of expensive clothes, electronics, new cars, bankrolling everyone's entertainment, etc...and still managed to invest several thousand dollars every month in the stock market. My investments were doing great...money kept rolling in...and everybody was envious and impressed with my success. Deep down I knew it wouldn't last forever, though...and I wasn't happy with where I was at because I knew I didn't deserve it. Before I knew it another summer was here and some of my friends trickled back home for summer break. The police were starting to catch on to my illegal business...and there was a bit of "heat" on me. While it was extremely difficult for me to do...I ceased the operation. I quit while I was ahead...nobody ever found out...and I enjoyed another lazy summer.
Everyone left to go back to school...and I decided I still wasn't ready to start up school again. I applied for a tech job that probably paid less every week than I had been making an hour running my "business" but I knew I needed some structure in my life--I liked the idea of having a set schedule. I moved out of my parents' house into some fancy new apartments. I told everyone that I was making a lot more money than I actually was...not only because I was embarrassed about how little I was making...but because the lavish lifestyle I was living would be completely impossible on my actual wages. Even though I was working over 50 hours a week...my bank account dwindled slowly...and I started buying fewer and fewer "toys." Being rather lazy my entire life...you'd think I'd be in shock suddenly working more than full-time...but I really enjoyed it. Within just a couple of months I had worked my way to the top of the company and was being paid over twice as much as I was when I started. I was 20-years-old and I was second in command at a rapidly growing and very promising company...doing work that I absolutely loved. I would fly all over the US on a private jet visiting cutting-edge factories, going to big meetings with executives, and other crazy stuff. When the company I worked for finished building their new building...I got the biggest office there. I almost felt guilty...because there were people working there that had dedicated themselves to the company for years...but I worked hard for the company and the owner really didn't want to lose me...so I wasn't about to complain. I was no millionaire...but for the first time in a long time I was content with where I was at in life. While I was still living off money I made illegally in the past...I still considered myself to be successful. My family was proud of me...my friends envied me.
(Continued below...)
I will use this paragraph to set the stage:
I'm a 22-year-old guy who recently moved back home with my parents...and I'm completely stuck in a rut. I have plenty of good qualities...and honestly not trying to brag, I'll start there. Physically...I am tall, fit, and attractive. We live in a world full of people that determine the value of others based heavily on looks alone...so it's one advantage I have out-of-the-box. Beyond that, I am very intelligent, good-natured, caring, creative, etc. I could go on...but I think you get the idea--I don't want anyone to start gagging themselves. Because of these qualities...I have pretty much coasted through my entire life. I grew up with loving and supportive parents that made a decent living. We weren't extremely wealthy by any means...but we got by fine and our house was always full of love. I've always had an abundance of friends--people enjoy being around me. Even when I'm feeling terrible on the inside...I hold it in and make sure everybody around me is enjoying themselves. I have a 15-year-old brother that is my best friend. We do just about everything together and he looks up to me. He probably doesn't know it...but I look up to him in many ways as well. For most of my life I always seemed to get whatever I wanted with very little effort. Obviously that is a big reason why my life has been seemingly falling apart...but definitely not the only reason. I've hit a few inevitable "bumps in the road" along the way...but I don't blame anyone but myself for where I'm at right now in life. I've been given every opportunity and I always seem to throw it away. I've known for awhile that I need to start making some changes...but it took a night like tonight for me to realize that something needs to change NOW. I try so hard to be someone that I'm not...and to project this image of success...that I've become almost "fake." Very few people know me for who I really am...and I'm afraid to show them out of fear that they will reject me.
I had a bad night tonight--a really bad night. I've been in love with a girl that I've been "just friends" with for years...and I finally decided it's time to quit sitting back and letting everything pass me by. My biggest fear in life is rejection and/or failure...so I rarely take a chance on anything unless I am pretty certain it will go the way I want it to. I finally got up the courage to confess to her...and tonight was the night. All of these years...I've wondered if she felt the same way. Unfortunately I found out she didn't. I drove off crying like an idiot...stopped by a bar and had too much to drink...and ended up wrapping my fancy sports car around a pole and getting a DUI. I sat in jail for about an hour until my Dad came to bail me out...and in that hour I made a promise to myself that I was going to start making a serious effort to get my life back on track. For some reason I feel different than I usually do in these situations. I don't feel sorry for myself this time--I feel like picking myself back up and making some positive changes. The problem is I have no idea where to start.
More background:
I was a straight-A student without trying my whole life until about my junior year in high school...where I started slacking a bit too much and getting some Bs and Cs. I knew I had adult ADD through self-diagnosis...but I'd never been to a doctor for it because it wasn't interfering with my life that much--I wasn't failing school or anything. I graduated high school with around a 3.4 GPA...and ended up with the highest ACT score in my class of over 500 students. I had a lot of friends in high school...despite being involved in very few extracurricular activities. Unfortunately, as much as I wanted to, I never had any real relationships with girls simply because I was too shy around them. I was young and not too worried about it. Life was going pretty good...and I went off to college at a good school. I suddenly hit a brick wall. Socially I had a great time in college...but I just couldn't motivate myself to go to class or even care about school itself. After the first semester I was put on academic probation...and ended up moving back home with my parents. It was the first time in my life that I felt like I had truly failed.
After moving back home and having a month off school...I started going to a smaller university in my hometown. I was embarrassed to go there because everyone that knew me always expected me to be going to some prestigious school...and here I was going to the school that everyone used to make fun of. I went and saw a psychiatrist...got on some ADD medication...ended up finishing the semester with a 4.0 GPA...and still felt very unsatisfied.
All of my old friends from high school started pouring back home for summer break...excited about finishing their first year of college...and within a couple of weeks my entire life revolved around partying. I wasn't really worried about anything. I was young--it was time to have fun. I was fortunate enough to still have thousands of dollars saved up from the computer business I ran back in high school...so I wasn't even worried about money. Life was good...I was once again the center of attention...and I had my whole life ahead of me. Worrying about school and my career could wait. This was the greatest summer of my life...and I never wanted it to end.
Unfortunately...all good things come to an end. As quickly as everyone had come back...they were gone. Summer was over...I was broke...and I was once again faced with reality. I decided to take some time off from school, start my business back up, and make some money. I quickly realized that it takes serious time and dedication to run a successful business...and because of my apparent inability to apply myself towards anything...I became quickly discouraged. I was just 19 years old...and I was so concerned with making money...living the dream...and upholding this image of success that everyone associated me with...that I turned to making money illegally.
I won't elaborate on how I was making money...but I was making around $5000/week profit with very little time or dedication. It was my dream job...minus the fact that I was breaking the law. I thought that I was so smart I'd never get caught...and I kept everything a complete secret. I had a great cover and absolutely nobody knew the truth. At the time I was living with my parents...so I had virtually no expenses. I was buying thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars worth of expensive clothes, electronics, new cars, bankrolling everyone's entertainment, etc...and still managed to invest several thousand dollars every month in the stock market. My investments were doing great...money kept rolling in...and everybody was envious and impressed with my success. Deep down I knew it wouldn't last forever, though...and I wasn't happy with where I was at because I knew I didn't deserve it. Before I knew it another summer was here and some of my friends trickled back home for summer break. The police were starting to catch on to my illegal business...and there was a bit of "heat" on me. While it was extremely difficult for me to do...I ceased the operation. I quit while I was ahead...nobody ever found out...and I enjoyed another lazy summer.
Everyone left to go back to school...and I decided I still wasn't ready to start up school again. I applied for a tech job that probably paid less every week than I had been making an hour running my "business" but I knew I needed some structure in my life--I liked the idea of having a set schedule. I moved out of my parents' house into some fancy new apartments. I told everyone that I was making a lot more money than I actually was...not only because I was embarrassed about how little I was making...but because the lavish lifestyle I was living would be completely impossible on my actual wages. Even though I was working over 50 hours a week...my bank account dwindled slowly...and I started buying fewer and fewer "toys." Being rather lazy my entire life...you'd think I'd be in shock suddenly working more than full-time...but I really enjoyed it. Within just a couple of months I had worked my way to the top of the company and was being paid over twice as much as I was when I started. I was 20-years-old and I was second in command at a rapidly growing and very promising company...doing work that I absolutely loved. I would fly all over the US on a private jet visiting cutting-edge factories, going to big meetings with executives, and other crazy stuff. When the company I worked for finished building their new building...I got the biggest office there. I almost felt guilty...because there were people working there that had dedicated themselves to the company for years...but I worked hard for the company and the owner really didn't want to lose me...so I wasn't about to complain. I was no millionaire...but for the first time in a long time I was content with where I was at in life. While I was still living off money I made illegally in the past...I still considered myself to be successful. My family was proud of me...my friends envied me.
(Continued below...)