My mother makes no sense, she basically "cut" me from her life...

[katip]

Well, this is a great day turned completely shitty.

My boyfriend and I made an offer on a perfect little house this morning. I called my mother to tell her about it because she said to let her know how the walk-through went. I have been talking to her about my boyfriend and me moving in together for the past couple months and, while she doesn't agree with it, said that she is happy for me, excited, etc.

After fawning over how great the house is and sending her pictures, she decides to tell me that she doesn't agree with us living together without being married (which we had already discussed) and that she doesn't feel like she should have to compromise her values, so the family won't be visiting until we're married.

I feel like she's not only cutting me from my family's life but also NOT accepting the way I chose to live my life. I've said this to her but her only response is that she is accepting my lifestyle, she just isn't changing her beliefs and that she isn't cutting me from her/their life, just saying that they won't visit until we're married.

I REALLY don't understand how she can think that we'll be able to keep a healthy relationship under this "rule." Neither myself, nor my boyfriend will feel comfortable talking to them, and what exactly am I suppose to talk to her about now, even if I did feel comfortable calling like everything was hunky dory?

I don't get her. :googly: And I feel like crap. :redface:

[lonestar]

then tell her to go fuck herself. that's a pretty shitty thing to do to your daughter.

[jdt141]

ouch. tough call. my gut reaction would be this is her gut reaction to the situation. she doesn't like it, and there isn't anything she can do about it. fact is, you're an adult and you can do what you want... she might not like it, and she SAYS she'll do everything possible to cut you out, but, really, you ARE her daughter. she DOES love you. I would give it some time and see what happens.

[jdt141]

then tell her to go fuck herself. that's a pretty shitty thing to do to your daughter.

This would also be a very insensitive thing to do.

[Winter Storm]

...but her only response is that she is accepting my lifestyle, she just isn't changing her beliefs and that she isn't cutting me from her/their life, just saying that they won't visit until we're married.


This part makes noooo sense to me. She is not accepting your lifestyle and is protesting by refusing to set foot inside your new home.

I'm sorry she is making you feel like crap but sticking to her beliefs. The best I can offer is to try not and let this discourage you from doing what you want to do. Try to keep in touch, talk and visit with her like normal. But if she is this steadfast in her belief, I wouldn't push it. Maybe she'll come around. But don't let this affect how you live your life.

[inmediasres]

Wow...

It sounds like your mom really sucks at life.

[katip]

then tell her to go fuck herself. that's a pretty shitty thing to do to your daughter.

I already lost my head a bit when I was on the phone with her. :redface: But that made me smile a bit (because I'm assuming you're kidding?). I can't (and won't) actually tell her to fuck off. Although I feel like I did enough by yelling. Why can't I just hold my temper with her??? It's only with her...


This part makes noooo sense to me. She is not accepting your lifestyle and is protesting by refusing to set foot inside your new home.

I'm sorry she is making you feel like crap but sticking to her beliefs. The best I can offer is to try not and let this discourage you from doing what you want to do.

It makes no sense to me either. I tried explaining that to her, which she wouldn't listen to and at that point I lost it. :sad:

I plan to stick to my beliefs and plans. We've been discussing this as normal adults for a couple months now because I decided long ago that I'm not going to act like this it's wrong by hiding stuff or not bringing it up. My boyfriend thinks she's using this to guilt me into not doing it.

Try to keep in touch, talk and visit with her like normal. But if she is this steadfast in her belief, I wouldn't push it. Maybe she'll come around. But don't let this affect how you live your life.

How can I continue like things are normal though... I don't understand how I could talk about my boyfriend and the house under this "rule." It makes no sense. :frustrate

[BadKitty]

then tell her to go fuck herself. that's a pretty shitty thing to do to your daughter.


I agree completely. You should be able to live your life as you please - and living together without being married is not a big deal. She needs to get over it.

[lonestar]

no i'm not kidding...when my family pisses me off with stupid acts like this, I tell them to go piss on a rope...you're an adult, you should be able to make your own choices and your family should stand behind you...not pull the "well we don't agree so we're not talking to you" bull. My uncle pulled that stunt on his sister (my mom) when she had her boyfriend move in...it pissed me off to no end.

[meatwad]

It sounds like she's scared. She really doesn't agree with what your doing but knows she can't stop you so she's trying to retain whatever control of the situation she has. She obviously loves you or she wouldn't care one way or another, so in my opinion telling her to fuck off would NOT be a good idea.

I'd say give her time, keep talking to her on the phone or whatever if you want too and maybe she'll change her mind. Maybe she won't.

[katip]

you're an adult, you should be able to make your own choices and your family should stand behind you...not pull the "well we don't agree so we're not talking to you" bull. My uncle pulled that stunt on his sister (my mom) when she had her boyfriend move in...it pissed me off to no end.

She did this to my aunt (dad's sister) years ago too. That's why she went from being my favorite aunt to the aunt I never see/hear from.

I see what you're saying though. I'm not going to actually say "fuck off," but I am going to stick to the fact that I'm an adult and live by my values/beliefs. I just hate the fact that this will ruin our relationship. I don't see how it's possible to continue to speak to her on a regular basis... or have a good relationship with my father and siblings (most are under the age of 18).

[lostinjersey]

This would also be a very insensitive thing to do.

i would tell her to not bother coming to see me after we're married. ask her how she likes those cookies.

[lonestar]

She did this to my aunt (dad's sister) years ago too. That's why she went from being my favorite aunt to the aunt I never see/hear from.

I see what you're saying though. I'm not going to actually say "fuck off," but I am going to stick to the fact that I'm an adult and live by my values/beliefs. I just hate the fact that this will ruin our relationship. I don't see how it's possible to continue to speak to her on a regular basis... or have a good relationship with my father and siblings (most are under the age of 18).

That behavior is childish. The way I look at it, if she doesn't want you in her life, your better off without her if she is inclined to act like that (as she has demonstrated in the past). Oh, god the cryer just came back into the office...

[MetFanL]

It sounds like she's scared. She really doesn't agree with what your doing but knows she can't stop you so she's trying to retain whatever control of the situation she has. She obviously loves you or she wouldn't care one way or another, so in my opinion telling her to fuck off would NOT be a good idea.

I'd say give her time, keep talking to her on the phone or whatever if you want too and maybe she'll change her mind. Maybe she won't.

Yeah, I wouldn't tell your mom to f' off. Honestly, so you visit at their house. It sucks that she feels she needs to do this, but you're her child and she probably feels that it's a reflection on her that you don't follow the same beliefs as her. I think my parents would feel the same way if I did this (even though my brother lives with his fiance). How often would your parents stop over, anyway?

She's your mother. Do not start a family fued over this. It's blood and it's not worth it.

(I know that I always defer to parents on these topics, but I have family that didn't speak for 20 years over something stupid. When it comes to family, I think it's always better to find a way to make it work or swallow your pride and be the bigger person.)

[MetFanL]

That behavior is childish. The way I look at it, if she doesn't want you in her life, your better off without her if she is inclined to act like that (as she has demonstrated in the past). Oh, god the cryer just came back into the office...

Come on. So what if it's childish? She's her g*d damn mother. You find a way to work it out.

[Winter Storm]

That behavior is childish. The way I look at it, if she doesn't want you in her life, your better off without her if she is inclined to act like that (as she has demonstrated in the past).

I think this is childish.

It sounds like your mother does love you and is trying to compromise but doesn't want to disregard her beliefs. In her eyes, by coming in your house, she is probably contradicting her beliefs. I think if this relationship means anything to you, there has to be a better way to work it out.

I mean is she saying she doesn't want you in her life?

[katip]

if she doesn't want you in her life, your better off without her if she is inclined to act like that (as she has demonstrated in the past).

That's what's confusing. She didn't say that she won't talk to me; she just said that they won't come visit. Explain how that's suppose to work out because I clueless. :confused:

i would tell her to not bother coming to see me after we're married. ask her how she likes those cookies.

Exactly. How stupid/silly/immature would that be? I'm lost on how she can think that everything will be great once we're married if she follows through on this... Everything will magically be great and not at all uncomfortable?? I won't still be hurt?

[lonestar]

you take it to the mattressess and have some conviction about it...if you feel like you made the right choice, then stand by it when somebody attacks it with pettiness.

[MetFanL]

That's what's confusing. She didn't say that she won't talk to me; she just said that they won't come visit. Explain how that's suppose to work out because I clueless. :confused:

This HAS happened in my family. She just won't come to your house. She'll talk to you on the phone, you can go to her house, whatever, but she's not coming to yours. It shouldn't be horribly awkward, unless you guys decide to throw a housewarming or something where she'd be noticeably absent. Are your parents still together? What does your Dad think? If he doesn't agree, tell him how upset you are and let the two of them hash it out.

[coll214]

Coming from someone whose family has more or less cut off the black sheep (aka Dad), I can relate. And despite that he'd still act much the same way your mother did if he didn't agree with what I did... when I moved to my first apartment, he didn't like the location, so he didn't talk to me for the first few months or help me move. I said that's fine, but it's still my descision. She'll come around eventually once she realizes that you are serious about doing this. I think sometimes parents have a hard time realizing that their kids are adults and sometimes your opinions and beliefs may just differ.

[jdt141]

My opinion wouldn't be all that different from yours 5 years ago. I learned my father has a terminal illness. It really puts things in perspective. We don't fight about anything, really, anymore, because its not worth it. We may disagree on some things, but we find a way to work it out. Why? because its not worth the lost time.

Life is short. I would suggest you try to find a way to make peace, even though that can be difficult. It is your mom.

[wordsmith]

If my mom had a similar issue with me (not that it's likely, she doesn't have much by way of philosophical convictions that would lead her to shun me over my choices, thankfully), I'd call the bluff. "Okay, you don't want anything to do with me because you don't agree with my choices? Guess I won't be seeing you around, then, come by when you get over it." I guarantee I could wait her out, and she'd give it up the protests, pronto. My mom doesn't feel strongly enough about ANYthing to make her cut off a child. It's a power play, and I say call her bluff. But, I'm headstrong like that.

[MetFanL]

If my mom had a similar issue with me (not that it's likely, she doesn't have much by way of philosophical convictions that would lead her to shun me over my choices, thankfully), I'd call the bluff. "Okay, you don't want anything to do with me because you don't agree with my choices? Guess I won't be seeing you around, then, come by when you get over it." I guarantee I could wait her out, and she'd give it up the protests, pronto. My mom doesn't feel strongly enough about ANYthing to make her cut off a child. It's a power play, and I say call her bluff. But, I'm headstrong like that.

I guess I just don't see the point of takng this sort of power from your parents. Let them keep a little if it makes them feel better. They did raise you...

If it really bugs you, though, the "I'll remember this when it comes time to put you in a home" line usually works well. ;)

[lonestar]

My dad and I didn't speak for a year and a half after I changed majors...then we were on good terms for a little while, now we haven't spoken in two years since I decided I didn't want to go to law school and left town to pursue my own interests. He finally called me the other night.

They always come around sooner or later...just don't be weak.

[katip]

I do agree with those of you who say that she loves me and wants to see the best for me. In her eyes, I'm committing a sin and her visiting will condone the behavior.

I don't want to lose her or my family. I also know what it's like to lose family members due to stupid arguements (my mother's side is actually great at that).

She never said that she doesn't want me in her life. She just won't visit. Although, along with that, she doesn't want to hear about the house, etc.

I know that I should suck it up and swallow my pride like MetFan suggests (that's super hard for me to do) but in a way I feel like I'm allowing her to control my life by not standing up to her. However, if it's either stand up to her and lose my family or suck it up and keep them, I'd choose the latter. While I might not have a great relationship with her, I do want to keep the ones I have with my siblings and father (if possible).

[lonestar]

her logic is a little shakey...if your relationship is so sinful to her, then why is she talking to you at all...it is obvious it is a control thing and not the church thing...you can win!

[katip]

It shouldn't be horribly awkward, unless you guys decide to throw a housewarming or something where she'd be noticeably absent. Are your parents still together? What does your Dad think? If he doesn't agree, tell him how upset you are and let the two of them hash it out.

Well, that's just it... I planned to have them over after my graduation ceremony. I live a good 2 hours from them, and they often come down here as my brother is attending a college in the city so it's just going to be a big black cloud hanging over... From past issues, I can pretty much assume that my dad will let her do what she wants. They are still together.

Words, I could do that but I'm not sure if it's worth it. I think it might make me feel shittier than just saying, "Fine, you win, do what you want." and then ignoring that she said she was going to do that.

[wordsmith]

I guess I just don't see the point of takng this sort of power from your parents. Let them keep a little if it makes them feel better. They did raise you...

If it really bugs you, though, the "I'll remember this when it comes time to put you in a home" line usually works well. ;)

I do see what you're saying, and if calling the bluff DIDN'T work right away, I'd probably consider backing down...but my guess for myself and my situation is that it would work in a heartbeat. Mostly because my mom is so into being involved in my life that I don't think she COULD stay out of it if she wanted to. Which is mostly okay.

But the fact is, parents sometimes need to be taught just as much about boundaries as children do. And adult children make adult choices, and some parents struggle with that. It's the kid to parent equivalent of parent to kid "tough love."

[wordsmith]

My brother lived with his now-wife for over three years before they got married. My dad never "agreed" with it. But he got the hell over it, and no harm, no foul. And my brother never would have considered adjusting his adult behavior over it, either.

[yankeeyosh]

I agree that what your mother said was wrong and insensitive. I would be very upset myself, and would lose my cool...probably worse than what you did. But what is your mother most concerned about? Is she concerned that you are buying a house without being married or engaged (which to be perfectly honest with you, I personally find somewhat risky)? Is she upset because she's afraid you won't be able to afford it? Maybe there is something legit, and maybe it might be best to have some kind of heart-to-heart, face-to-face conversation, and let her know what the deal is, and that what you're doing is a right move.

[mishl982]

You won't lose her. One of my friends decided to move to PA to live with her boyfriend of less than a year. Her parents were against it but she just up and left. I don't know if her parents said they'll never visit her, but they definitely told her that she was not allowed to mention it to her grandparents. She still visits her family, she just doesn't bring up living there. Her parents are so about her not telling that the rent checks (ridiculous and a whole other story) that her grandpa gives her still goes to her Virginia address and gets forwarded up to PA.

It was a tough situation at first, but her and her parents lived through it and they still have a good relationship.

[katip]

I ran across this article a while ago when I was afraid this might happen and dug it up:

http://www.christianitytoday.com/tcw/2002/005/6.70.html

I sent it to my parents. Hopefully it'll knock the sense back into my mother. I'm really hoping that she didn't think this one through very well...

[MetFanL]

I do see what you're saying, and if calling the bluff DIDN'T work right away, I'd probably consider backing down...but my guess for myself and my situation is that it would work in a heartbeat. Mostly because my mom is so into being involved in my life that I don't think she COULD stay out of it if she wanted to. Which is mostly okay.

But the fact is, parents sometimes need to be taught just as much about boundaries as children do. And adult children make adult choices, and some parents struggle with that. It's the kid to parent equivalent of parent to kid "tough love."

I get it, I just don't know that I think it's worth it. I didn't speak to my family for a month after they really said some horrible things and that was the hardest month of my life. I called them and they apologized, but it was just so stupid... They're family and that's the only reason you should need to find a way to work it out.

I guess I just don't see this as that big of a battle. I have PLENTY of friends who pretended they didn't live together for MONTHS, who kept 2 apartments as a cover, etc. Even if she's just being dramatic, she's still your mother.

katip, maybe you could rent out a pavilion and have your party/cookout thing there? At like a state park or something?

[lonestar]

that's pretty ridicoulous...when my folks went splitsville I was 11...we were told not to tell my grandparents about the divorce...isn't that a riot? For a year and a half my brothers and I had to carry on this stupid lie that my parents were still living together. I finally told them and my parents were so pissed at me... :rolleyes:

[katip]

Is she concerned that you are buying a house without being married or engaged (which to be perfectly honest with you, I personally find somewhat risky)? Is she upset because she's afraid you won't be able to afford it?

I agree that buying a house w/o the legal safety net that goes with married can be risky; however, I feel that it can be just as risky if a couple is married. In both situations you need to trust your partner. (I know w/ marriage comes legal protection; we discussed all of this before deciding.)

The only reason that she is upset is because she feels that living together before you're married is a sin. She's also mad that I'm not following what she believes and is upset because she's unable to control my actions anymore (this is definitely true). This would be happening if we were going to rent a place.

[WorkInProgress]

Well, that's just it... I planned to have them over for a graduation celebration for myself. I live a good 2 hours from them, and they often come down here as my brother is attending a college in the city. From past issues, I can pretty much assume that my dad will let her do what she wants. They are still together.

Could you have this soiree at a restaurant somewhere? Can't they stay in hotel? (Wouldn't they have to, anyway, even if you weren't moving in with your bf?) Would this not preserve the illusion she wants to have?

(And, for the sake of argument, what is the difference between you two living together and the relationship that you had before? Presumably it's not the "living together" part that she has issues with, but the "premarital sex" part. Is it just that she can't pretend that you aren't sleeping with your bf anymore?)

[lonestar]

well, i guess the question is are you as religious as she is? If you are not, then you need to tell her that...I think it is wrong for parents to force their religious beliefs on their offspring after they have grown up and chosen their own faiths/beliefs...

[wordsmith]

I get it, I just don't know that I think it's worth it. I didn't speak to my family for a month after they really said some horrible things and that was the hardest month of my life. I called them and they apologized, but it was just so stupid... They're family and that's the only reason you should need to find a way to work it out."

Right, and my assumption is that they WILL find a way to just accept it and get over it. If they care, they're not going to let a philosophical belief stand in the way of that caring. But I would wait it out and let the parent with the unreasonable expectation do the "give" portion of the inevitable give and take.

I guess I just don't see this as that big of a battle.

I think I see it as less of a battle than a calm and matter of fact standing of ground.

[quote]I have PLENTY of friends who pretended they didn't live together for MONTHS, who kept 2 apartments as a cover, etc. Even if she's just being dramatic, she's still your mother./QUOTE]

See, for me, the idea that I'd have to hide anything is just so contrary to the whole being an adult and making my own decisions thing. I didn't have to sneak around when I was actually LIVING in my parents' home, I sure as hell don't have to when I'm under my OWN roof. The concept is absurd to me.

[katip]

katip, maybe you could rent out a pavilion and have your party/cookout thing there? At like a state park or something?

I could, but it would just be my family so that might be a bit too much. Although a cookout at a park w/o renting a pavillion might be a good idea...

I'm just so disappointed because I wanted to share what I earned with them...

WorkInProgress, I have 6 younger siblings and dinner at a restaurant would just be chaotic and rediculous, that's why I was thinking something outside where they could run around. And, yes, it could be that she has to accept that we're sexually active (OMG :eek: :neutral: ).

She's known for years that I do NOT share her same religious beliefs. I suppose could be telling herself that I do though as she's had no real proof (other than me telling her) of the contrary.

[wordsmith]

The only reason that she is upset is because she feels that living together before you're married is a sin. She's also mad that I'm not following what she believes and is upset because she's unable to control my actions anymore (this is definitely true). This would be happening if we were going to rent a place.


Just out of curiosity, does she really have pretty strong convictions that if you don't share a house, you're not having sex? This is what always makes me just shake my head in a dumbfounded manner.

[katip]

Just out of curiosity, does she really have pretty strong convictions that if you don't share a house, you're not having sex? This is what always makes me just shake my head in a dumbfounded manner.

Yes, it's beyond me. She found pregnacy tests in my brother's room (long story) and still thinks that he's not sexually active. We've discussed birth control pills before without me saying that the ones I'm on are for a medical reason and I'm sure she still thinks I'm innocent. :googly:

[wordsmith]

Wow, gotta love blindness, huh?

You're an oldest child, aren't you?

[katip]

You're an oldest child, aren't you?

Oh yes. My younger siblings already have it easier than I did. :googly:

[wordsmith]

Yeah, by the time your youngest sibling is dating, your mom's going to have gone through it so many times that she's gonna be practically handing out condoms at the door without skipping a beat. I think my mom actually took my youngest sister to get on the pill when she found condoms in her room in h.s. Wouldn't have happened for me.. and there would have been much gnashing of teeth were it even suspected that I was sexually active (which I wasn't).

[katip]

Yeah, by the time your youngest sibling is dating, your mom's going to have gone through it so many times that she's gonna be practically handing out condoms at the door without skipping a beat.

And I will just be thinking... "God damn it, all of the things I went through for them. Boy do they owe me!" :rolleyes:

[cheshrcarol]

I thinkthat article was a good idea Katie. I think my parents and I have seen too many feuds in my family where people stop talking for years and it's never mended to ever follow that path, but you never know.

As an aside, there was one thing that just rubbed me the wrong way in that article. The advice at the end, "When Michael recently talked to me about their ongoing financial struggle, I gently reminded him that his current choices were limiting God's blessings in his life. Because my tone was absent of judgment, he listened to me." How is that not judging?! She's basically telling him that God doesn't approve of his choice to live with his gf so he's not bestowing blessings on him that he might have otherwise?? That sounds a whole lot more human than divine to me. Isn't God supposed to love everyone, even the sinners? And aren't Christians not supposed to let God do the judging? Ugh, this is what I hate about religion - people that use their beliefs in a negative way instead of just to be better person and help others.

[Kitty]

Don't listen to all the people who are telling your your mom "sucks at life" and "you should tell her to eff herself."

I think she just has certain beliefs and opinions, and is being a bit close-minded. Its not the end of the world, my guess is she'll come around eventually when she starts to miss you and realizes that she doesn't want to ruin your relationship over this. I agree w/ what winter storm said early in the thread...go on living your life, be nice to her, try to communicate/talk when you can...She'll either come around or she won't, but you shouldn't adjust your life to her morals and beliefs.

[meatwad]

Don't listen to all the people who are telling your your mom "sucks at life" and "you should tell her to eff herself."

I think she just has certain beliefs and opinions, and is being a bit close-minded. Its not the end of the world, my guess is she'll come around eventually when she starts to miss you and realizes that she doesn't want to ruin your relationship over this. I agree w/ what winter storm said early in the thread...go on living your life, be nice to her, try to communicate/talk when you can...She'll either come around or she won't, but you shouldn't adjust your life to her morals and beliefs.

Exactly. She's probably very scared and confused and is trying to do the right thing without knowing what the right thing is.

[lonestar]

That article was awful...how would this woman deal with her son if he were gay? disown him? say that God is punishing him if he doesn't get a promortion.

Why is it that turbo-christians are the least forgiving and most vengeful people I have ever met?

[Winter Storm]

Don't listen to all the people who are telling your your mom "sucks at life" and "you should tell her to eff herself."

I think she just has certain beliefs and opinions, and is being a bit close-minded. Its not the end of the world, my guess is she'll come around eventually when she starts to miss you and realizes that she doesn't want to ruin your relationship over this. I agree w/ what winter storm said early in the thread...go on living your life, be nice to her, try to communicate/talk when you can...She'll either come around or she won't, but you shouldn't adjust your life to her morals and beliefs.

So funny. I was about to chime in with 'Yeah, I agree with Kitty!'
Great minds. :)

[katip]

As an aside, there was one thing that just rubbed me the wrong way in that article. The advice at the end, "When Michael recently talked to me about their ongoing financial struggle, I gently reminded him that his current choices were limiting God's blessings in his life. Because my tone was absent of judgment, he listened to me." How is that not judging?! She's basically telling him that God doesn't approve of his choice to live with his gf so he's not bestowing blessings on him that he might have otherwise?? That sounds a whole lot more human than divine to me. Isn't God supposed to love everyone, even the sinners? And aren't Christians not supposed to let God do the judging? Ugh, this is what I hate about religion - people that use their beliefs in a negative way instead of just to be better person and help others.

Yea, there were a few things in that article that I didn't like. I figured that the main point (the idea that cutting off a child because he/she is doing something you disagree with will only backfire and is un-Christian-like) was why I sent it. All of the other stuff I couldn't careless about but it might help my mom come around.

[Kitty]

That article was awful...how would this woman deal with her son if he were gay? disown him? say that God is punishing him if he doesn't get a promortion.

Why is it that turbo-christians are the least forgiving and most vengeful people I have ever met?

Ya know, in your responses to this thread you're not exactly coming across as understanding and forgiving, yourself.

[Cole]

If it were me, I would simply say "mom, I wish you would respect my choices - I feel like I am making a responsible decision and I am disappointed that you don't agree with me. You don't have to come over, but I will be sending you an invitation to our housewarming party, and want you to know that I would love to have you over if you ever change your mind."

And then throw a housewarming party and mail them a very nice invitation. If they decline, so be it.

I would bet when she sees that you're being responsible and taking the higher road, (as opposed to throwing a fit or something) she'll feel pretty foolish about boycotting your house. OR, at least, she'll look pretty foolish.

If it were me, I'd also decline invitations to their house at least for a little while. I think it's totally unreasonable to say that you can't talk about your living situation if you come over. You can tell her that you're uncomfortable being at their house if you're not free to discuss your life. Don't be bitchy, just be honest.

[meatwad]

Ya know, in your responses to this thread you're not exactly coming across as understanding and forgiving, yourself.

What was your first clue? The, "Go fuck yourself Mom!" and then disowning your parents thing?

[katip]

If it were me, I would simply say "mom, I wish you would respect my choices - I feel like I am making a responsible decision and I am disappointed that you don't agree with me. You don't have to come over, but I will be sending you an invitation to our housewarming party, and want you to know that I would love to have you over if you ever change your mind."

And then throw a housewarming party and mail them a very nice invitation. If they decline, so be it.

I would bet when she sees that you're being responsible and taking the higher road, (as opposed to throwing a fit or something) she'll feel pretty foolish about boycotting your house. OR, at least, she'll look pretty foolish.

If it were me, I'd also decline invitations to their house at least for a little while. I think it's totally unreasonable to say that you can't talk about your living situation if you come over. You can tell her that you're uncomfortable being at their house if you're not free to discuss your life. Don't be bitchy, just be honest.

That's exactly what I want to do. I feel crappy for yelling on the phone and then hanging up on her (yes, I did do that... :redface: I'm embarrassed about it.).

How do I go about it though... I could call her and say that but I know that she's going to interrupt, talk over me and keep pushing her point until I hang up yet again...

[lonestar]

Ya know, in your responses to this thread you're not exactly coming across as understanding and forgiving, yourself.

Because I know this m/o: if you don't believe what I believe I won't talk to you...I think it is obscene that parents would choose something else (GOD, religion, whatever) over their own kids...that's piss-poor parenting.

And its her mother disowning (partially, anyway) her...that's why I said, fine...so be it (in a more colorful way)...

[meatwad]

It's a parents job to teach wrong from right. Her mom thinks she is doing something wrong. She can't punish her since she's an adult now, so she is choosing not to go the house to show her how much she disaproves because she knows she can't do anything else. If she was disowning her, she would have told her never to speak to her again.

[lonestar]

but living with a significant other who you are not married to ISN'T wrong...so her mother is seriously misguided.

[capella]

That article is ridiculous. Honestly. That is everything I can't stand about religion in a nutshell. You are an adult and your beliefs regarding religion do not have to be the same as your parents beliefs and you should NOT be made to feel badly about it. Religious freedom is eroding in our country and it's really a shame.

You are an adult and I think you ought to take the higher road here and do what you like. I wouldn't get petty but I'd send her an invite and if she chooses to continue acting this way then she loses the chance to make a connection with you. You have a right to do what you feel is best for your life and you have a right to not feel guilty about it. Her job in parenting you is done IMO.

[meatwad]

but living with a significant other who you are not married to ISN'T wrong...so her mother is seriously misguided.

It's not wrong to you.

[capella]

It's not wrong to you.
It's not wrong to a great many people and it is wrong to a great many people. That's not really the issue the OP has here so let's not get in to the nitpicking over opinions. :rolleyes:

[Winter Storm]

but living with a significant other who you are not married to ISN'T wrong...so her mother is seriously misguided.

No, your thinking is misguided. Believe me, we can sit here and debate over whose right and whose wrong spiritually, but what it comes down to is her mother will not stray far from her beliefs, so if Katip wants to maintain a relationship with her, she needs to find someway to meet her halfway. Seems like her mother is willing to do that by continuing to be a part of her life.

[meatwad]

It's not wrong to a great many people and it is wrong to a great many people. That's not really the issue the OP has here so let's not get in to the nitpicking over opinions. :rolleyes:


That was my point. But hey, roll away.

[lonestar]

sorry...I didn't intend to let the convo devolve into a theological debate.

[katip]

If it were me, I would simply say "mom, I wish you would respect my choices - I feel like I am making a responsible decision and I am disappointed that you don't agree with me. You don't have to come over, but I will be sending you an invitation to our housewarming party, and want you to know that I would love to have you over if you ever change your mind."

Does anyone have advice on how I should do that? I would like to say that to her but I'm not sure if I should call since I just hung up on her and yelled a few hours ago. Also, I know that she'll just interrupt, talk over me and frustrate me until I do hang up again. Or do I risk it and hope that she'll take me serious and listen?

[wordsmith]

Because I know this m/o: if you don't believe what I believe I won't talk to you...I think it is obscene that parents would choose something else (GOD, religion, whatever) over their own kids...that's piss-poor parenting.

But the thing is, you don't have a clue that her mom is going to actually do any such thing. Neither do I, neither does katip. All we do know is that she's blowing smoke. The whole reason I advised as I did is because I don't truly believe that a parent would follow through with cutting an adult child off over an issue such as this, and if they did, they're enough out of touch with their role as a parent that it's probably best to have limited contact anyhow. I seriously doubt that katip's mom would in the end choose her convictions over maintaining a relationship with her daughter. It's just leverage right now to voice her beliefs.

Note to lonestar, I was going to PM you this, but since you're putting it all out in public, I guess it doen't hurt to do it this way...I realize you're new to QLC. I encourage you to make your way to a pinned thread about appropriate conduct on the QLC boards, and use that as a basic guide for your interactions, here. It's important to us, both as a moderating staff and as a community as a whole, that we maintain a respectful atmosphere. Slamming people of a spiritual affiliation is simply one of many unwelcome actions, and I'm sure you don't want to get off on the wrong foot with what's a pretty open, respectful, and diverse community. Thanks.

[lonestar]

Sorry, then.

Trust me, I know parents will cut people out...As I said I have been on the outs with my father twice (we are talking two year periods of no speaking). My grandparents don't want to speak to me because of some of the life choices I have made...trust me, beliefs getting in the way of parenting is a BAD thing. And I was trying to advise her that parents can be wrong, and you cannot give in - you have to be strong.

Also, you do not want to appear "wavering" because then parent will recruit the siblings to go after you...like when I get 2AM phone calls from my brother admonishing me for life decisions because dear old dad put him up to it.

[wordsmith]

beliefs getting in the way of parenting is a BAD thing. And I was trying to advise her that parents can be wrong, and you cannot give in - you have to be strong.

I agree, and so did many others. But most of us took care to express it without offending other members of the community.

[Kitty]

Does anyone have advice on how I should do that? I would like to say that to her but I'm not sure if I should call since I just hung up on her and yelled a few hours ago. Also, I know that she'll just interrupt, talk over me and frustrate me until I do hang up again. Or do I risk it and hope that she'll take me serious and listen?

Let things cool off for a bit and then try having that conversation. If that still doesn't work, write it to her in a card.

[The Stranger]

If someone comes up to you and tells you that they think you're doing something wrong, and you need to stop, except their opinion has no logical basis in reality (as far as I no, there's no logical reason for cohabitation to be immoral), you have two choices:

1. You can humor them/tolerate their behavior on some level, which only encourages them to keep acting that way, as they've seen they can get away with it, at least to an extent.

2. Tell them to stop being crazy.

If I were living with my hypothetical girlfriend and a family member told me it was wrong, I'd look at them like they said "Stop wearing the color purple!" or "My god hates it when you use the word 'or'!", and tell them to get over it. Why on earth would I allow their completely illogical opinion to screw up my life? I understand that some people have close-knit families and they want to keep the peace, but, is it really worth using childish deception and tolerating silly, antiquated beliefs?

[Kitty]

If someone comes up to you and tells you that they think you're doing something wrong, and you need to stop, except their opinion has no logical basis in reality (as far as I no, there's no logical reason for cohabitation to be immoral), you have two choices:

1. You can humor them/tolerate their behavior on some level, which only encourages them to keep acting that way, as they've seen they can get away with it, at least to an extent.

2. Tell them to stop being crazy.

If I were living with my hypothetical girlfriend and a family member told me it was wrong, I'd look at them like they said "Stop wearing the color purple!" or "My god hates it when you use the word 'or'!", and tell them to get over it. Why on earth would I allow their completely illogical opinion to screw up my life? I understand that some people have close-knit families and they want to keep the peace, but, is it really worth using childish deception and tolerating silly, antiquated beliefs?

I don't think that tolerating your parents beliefs in order to keep peace w/ the family and a relationship with your mom is THAT crazy. In the scenerio you described, you're being just as extreme as the parent, and nothing will ever get accomplished. I think the original poster is standing by her beliefs, and her mom is standing by hers. Whether one is right and one is wrong, isn't the issue - its that the OP wants to maintain a relationship with her mom, and she's trying to figure out how she can do that. Both of them need to bend a little and try to work something out. Completely tossing out your relationship with your mother because she doesn't understand your lifestyle, is crazy, just as tossing out your relationship with your daughter over the same thing is crazy. Someone has to be the bigger person if this is ever going to get resolved.

[pisces2473]

Ya know, in your responses to this thread you're not exactly coming across as understanding and forgiving, yourself.
LMFAO!!!!!!!

[pisces2473]

Let things cool off for a bit and then try having that conversation. If that still doesn't work, write it to her in a card.
Yes, that was going to be my suggestion.

[pisces2473]

I don't think that tolerating your parents beliefs in order to keep peace w/ the family and a relationship with your mom is THAT crazy. In the scenerio you described, you're being just as extreme as the parent, and nothing will ever get accomplished. I think the original poster is standing by her beliefs, and her mom is standing by hers. Whether one is right and one is wrong, isn't the issue - its that the OP wants to maintain a relationship with her mom, and she's trying to figure out how she can do that. Both of them need to bend a little and try to work something out. Completely tossing out your relationship with your mother because she doesn't understand your lifestyle, is crazy, just as tossing out your relationship with your daughter over the same thing is crazy. Someone has to be the bigger person if this is ever going to get resolved.
True. I know my parents probably aren't thrilled that I have my boyfriend stay over my house with us not being married, but they don't make it an issue. They have gone so far as to say that it's my life and they've done their job parenting me and while they still love me, I've gotta live my life. I don't live with them, and it's my house, my rules. If we were to move in together without being married, I'm sure they wouldn't disown me, but I don't think they'd be jumping up and down either (although my mom did ask me if we'd considered living together to save money, haha). I think my dad is more "against" it, just because I'm his little girl. My mom's much more open-minded. BUT, I don't talk to them about him staying over or "God, he snores so loud at night" or anything like that just out of respect. They don't need to know that stuff anyway. ;)

[Spinney]

I think a part of this is that parents can have a very hard time letting go and accepting that you can make your own decisions. My dad didn't like the fact that I was switching to a concurrent degree program and I basically told him "tough". He even wanted me to give him access to my university records and stuff. I was very firm with him that it isn't his place to decide what is right or wrong for me anymore. Eventually he got over it and our relationship has been all the better for it, since he actually sees me as an adult / equal now.

Regarding a parent basically cutting you off from their life, well...sometimes that's for the best. I've been in a similar situation, although the circumstances are a lot different. My parents divorced when I was 8 and I hadn't seen my mom for almost 10 years when I moved out here. What happened was my mom found a new boyfriend and was barely communicating with any of the family, myself included. None of us really liked this guy...he kinda rubbed us the wrong way. One night I'm over and we're making cookies, and this guy comes home and starts talking about how I'm exploiting my own mother, and how he needs to protect her from people.

He never did apologize, and she hasn't spoken to anyone in the family since. This would not be the first time she has decided her family cannot be a part of her life. If she were to decide that she was wrong, well I'd have to tell her tough luck...you had your last chance.

Your situation doesn't sound nearly that drastic, so I'd just be patient for a while. Try to get her to understand that you can have different values and still have a functioning relationship. If a Democrat and a Republican can have a healthy marriage then there should be no reason that a religious mother can't have a healthy relationship with an adult child who doesn't share all her beliefs. That's just intolerant and shortsighted.

Something like this can cause serious, permanent damage to a relationship. Try to get her to understand this. Once she thinks about it I'm sure she'll realize that trying to force you to live by her standards isn't worth alienating you. If that doesn't seem to be working I might try returning the favour and not visiting them for a while, so that she can get an idea of what life will be like without you being part of it. Things could be rough for a while but unless your parents are obstinate to the point of idiocy you'll reconcile your differences. Our relationships with people are the only thing of real value we have in this world. Hopefully your parents understand this.

Of course to do something like this you have to be extremely independent, and you have to be strong enough to not bend. Getting your parents to stop trying to interfere in your life is a test of wills. At least it was for me. She's likely threatening to not visit because she can't think of any other way to exert control over you. Once she sees that it isn't going to work she'll probably give it up.

[wordsmith]

Yes, the issue is really not whether religious beliefs make any sense to those who don't hold them, or embrace their spirituality in a different manner. The issue is how to respectfully but clearly stand firmly by your own choices as an adult child in the face of a parent who vehemently does not approve, when it gets right down to it. And most people experience that at some point or another. A person can stand one's ground without alienating loved ones.

[katip]

What some of you are saying about the situation is exactly right.

My mother and me hold different beliefs and values. I don't look at one of us being right and the other wrong; she can hold onto this opinion for as long as she wants.

I'm not going to tell her to "fuck off" but I do want to stand my ground on my decision. She DOES want to control this situation but she needs to realize that I'm an adult and will make lots of choices that she doesn't agree with. Does she plan on refusing to come to my wedding if it's not a Catholic ceremony (it won't be)? Refuse to see me if I choose to continue working when I have children?

I don't understand how I can be expected to be OK with this and continue having healthy relationship with my family, nor do I understand how my boyfriend is expected to feel comfortable growing a relationship with them under this "rule."

My college graduation is coming up as is Easter. My parents want to take us out to dinner and expect us to visit on Easter. I really don't feel comfortable doing either under this situation. Part of it is because I don't want to "swallow my pride" and humor them; however, I will also feel utterly uncomfortable. I can only imagine how my boyfriend will feel. What do they plan to talk about with us when they are refusing to acknowledge my life?

I did write a letter explaining how I feel and what I see happening in the future to our relationships. I'm going to send it today but I don't see it doing much good.

(On a happy note, we DID get the house and the financing program we wanted! Very exciting. :) I just wish I could share it with my family. :frustrate )

[mishl982]

Congrats on the house! Only if everything else could just come together as easily as that.

[katip]

Congrats on the house! Only if everything else could just come together as easily as that.

No kidding. Thanks! I wasn't letting myself get too excited about it because so many others looked at it yesterday. Now it just feels unbelievable to actually think that it'll be ours!