AIM, myspace, facebook, and loneliness....

[23inJersey]

is is strange to feel lonely even though i have a serious girlfriend and a decent amount of friends?....first off, i spend wayyyyyy too much time with my girlfriend, partly because i like spending time with her, partly because she is very emotionally needy, partly because i feel lonely when i'm not with her sometimes....also, i would say i really only have two close friends, one who lives out of state, and one who i don't see often enough, and i'm trying to establish better friendships with my other friends through AIM, myspace, and facebook....but i just feel these things are very frustrating...

i'll be sitting online, wondering why no one is IM'ing me, or when i go on facebook or myspace and look at other peoples profiles and pictures, i get jealous and depressed because i'm not as happy as they are.....i know a lot of people on facebook and myspace "accumulate" friends and i'm not in a contest or anything...

i just feel like i'm in a very shitty situation because i don't have that many friends from high school, and i commuted to college for four years so i didn't make any real friends there, and everyone says that you make your best friends at college...

i'm just hoping that people can use this thread to share their thoughts about loneliness/friendships/depression....what can I do to stop comparing myself to people?....also, how can i establish more/better friendships?

[WorkInProgress]

To be perfectly honest, I think you really could use a hobby or activity. Preferably with a group or organization, so that you can meet new/other people. This helps in two ways: you have something to do, and you have people to do that activity with. (Perhaps a sports league, club or social organization, alumni group, volunteering, etc.)

Develop/maintain the friendships you currently have. Presumably you're friends with these people because you like them and enjoy spending time with them. Do some more of that.

As to ways to stop comparing yourself with others, I think you need to break that bad habit. It seriously drags you down. It'll take conscious effort and self-discipline, especially in the beginning. Besides, you'll be too busy with an activity or two (see above) to do this often.

Just a few suggestions from the peanut gallery.

[KristaP]

Hi! First of all, I'm in more or less the same situation as you are, or at least was last week before I came here. I also commute to college and know people only as friendly acquaintences. I agree with the person who said you should join some organizations. I JUST went to meetups.com and found three groups that look VERY promising. Try looking there. I've gone through the whole bs with AIM, myspace, live journals, etc. to try and find friends, but first of all, I didn't feel secure with those sites, especially when 20/20 did their article about preditors on myspace (of course I knew that people could and some would abuse the site, but it disturbed me to know just how many.) Anyway, I've recently had a revelation (thanks to this site here, ironically) that the internet should be a means only to find real-life, honest to goodness people instead of names and words on a screen.

If you enjoy spending time with your girlfriend so much, perhaps you can take her along with you, or if you like, make it something seperate. Everyone needs friends aside from their gf/bf. =0) Hope this helps.

[Kitty]

Dude, myspace is in no way indicative of anything real. How many friends you have on friendster, myspace, or the facebook doesn't mean a damn thing. One of the most popular people I know in life - a dude with hundreds and hundreds of friends..has 4 friends on friendster.

I freakin' hate myspace friend sluts who think they're awesome because they have 29339423948 friends. Yeah...look at you and your online awesomeness.

[RealChic1999]

i'll be sitting online, wondering why no one is IM'ing me, or when i go on facebook or myspace and look at other peoples profiles and pictures, i get jealous and depressed because i'm not as happy as they are.....i know a lot of people on facebook and myspace "accumulate" friends and i'm not in a contest or anything...

Kitty's right...those "friends" on those sites aren't real friends. I have "this many" (a lot) of people on my MySpace page...but most of those are clowns who were only interested if I put a "pretty picture" on my homepage. If I use an "ugly" picture (like the one where I'm made up to look like a statue) or the one I'm currently using where it's hard to make me out (me, looking like a speck, in front of the Apache Spirit Dancer statue in Santa Fe), I get no responses. It's petty.

Real friends will be there for you regardless of your appearance...log off and follow the advice the people above have posted.

[chicagogirl]

Everyone who posted before me summed up what came to my mind. I used to work with college students as a therapist and I can't tell you how often IM came up in therapy. And always as something bad or somethign that screwed up a relationship.

[wordsmith]

I believe it. I have a college age sister, and the drama over livejournal, comments on live journals, comments on away messages, things that people passive-aggressively post , etc. is UTTERLY INSANE. At what point did adult people revert back to the equivalent of jr. high note passing, he said-she said, gossippy backbiting, "Oh my god, did you see what so and so wrote about you" drama?

[lostinjersey]

you need to get out of the house brotha, start working on your people skills. it literally takes practice. one trick is to look everyone you see in the eyes as they are coming towards you, and say hi to them before they say hi to you. thats a good way to gain some confidence. always give a smile too. you'd be surprised how many people want to talk to you.. people like socializing and meeting people, so just do it! although i feel your pain, it looks like you live in jersey, and its a bit harder to meet people in jersey, they seem to be more scared / shy than the average person. try goin to the city, philly or new york whichever one you're closer to... just because you commute doesnt mean you cant go for coffee after class.. try takin a class. get to the gym, etc. etc.

[lostinjersey]

dont worry too much about how you didnt make friends in college either... i made lots of friends, and i talk to none of them now. i used to stay in touch over IM, but after awhile its just like, whats the point, they have their life, and i have mine now. thats just the way it is.

[coolfrequency]

i'll be sitting online, wondering why no one is IM'ing me....also, how can i establish more/better friendships?

well, start this way...add me to your buddy list.

aim = spsilverfox

don't know if that solves your overall feeling of loneliness or lack of friends...but it puts you one closer, right? ;)

yeah its depressing for me too, lately, that nobody is ever online and nobody is ever messaging me any more like they used to.

[wordsmith]

I guess this is where I'm better off that I DIDN'T go through college with IM. Or Myspace, or Friendster, or anything, really, but sporadic e-mail, which I didn't use that much, because nobody I knew was online yet.

I just look at it as a way to keep up with people. I don't place a whole lot of significance on it.

[coolfrequency]

I just read everyone's replies, and I think there's another side to it...

first, myspace sucks. Lots of people are just out to collect friends or to troll for someone hot, or to boost their own esteem by posting the most flattering picture they can take of themselves and then collecting compliments and flirtations. And on an even more sinister level, of course, are the predators who use places like that to lure their victims.

on the other hand, when you find a sincere person interested in actually being a friend (and generally you don't find those people on myspace), it's a kind of relationship that offers, in some ways, I would even say more than what some of your real life buddies can do for you. Of course nothing replaces a good friend who you can call and spend time with. But what happens when you've had a bad day and you come home and you're depressed and you just want someone to talk to, to cheer you up? But none of your regular buddies are home to call up? Or its the middle of the night and impolite to place a call at that time? Or what if you don't really have anything specific to talk about, so you feel stupid calling someone for no reason, but you just want that contact with another person right then? It's very comforting to have that kind of support availible to you, just about any time of day or night, just by checking whoever happens to be online on your buddy list. Not to mention, there's something about an online conversation that, I think, in some ways encourages you to share more than you do face to face.

Also, not that this justifies it, but a local friendship requires so much time and energy to maintain, and sometimes I'm lazy. Regular phone calls and evenings out together are a big drain of time and energy. A worthwhile drain, for sure, but sometimes I am lazy and don't keep up with my real friends the way that I should. Whereas, if you can keep in touch with people simultaneously while working, or playing a computer game, or checking your email, because you're talking to them on instant messenger...sometimes it enables you to stay close where you otherwise wouldn't have.

[Illuminous]

I think it's important to realize that your internet life is in now way indicative of your real life. I have somewhat the opposite situation of you. I have tons of friends online that i talk to regularly online, on AIM or whathaveyou, but I don't have a lot of IRL friends. I have my boyfriend and a coworker or two. That's it.

You really have two options, get yourself out there, or be content with the social life you have. Not a lot of people are able to maintain the crazy social life some of us had in college. I used to go out three to four times a week into the wee hours of the night. I rarely go out now. When you graduate, things change. It DOES become harder to make friends, but it seems the friends you make at this point in life are more long-term. Take a class, join some sort of local community. Post an ad on Craigslist even.

Wasn't it Ghandi who said you must be the change you wish to see in the world? I've really taken it to heart the past couple months. If i dislike something aobut myself or the outside world, I've got to do something. It won't help me to sit and complain, eh?

[SpaceMonkey]

I guess this is where I'm better off that I DIDN'T go through college with IM.

Like anything else, it depends on how you use it. I've never used MySpace--I only use the Facebook to keep up with people I knew in college. I don't have a gargantuan buddy list in AIM, either--just people I actually know in real life. I've found that the Facebook and Instant Messenger have made it easier for me to keep up with my friends' goings-on and stay in touch with them.

When I was in college, Instant Messenger was incredibly useful just for organizing activities. I suspect that the kind of things where people get offended by something they see on someone's away message are things that would have happened even without IM--there has always been gossip.

[wordsmith]

Yeah, I'm way too old for Facebook...don't you have to have a college e-mail? I haven't had an active college e-mail account since I graduated in 1999.

[SpaceMonkey]

Yeah, I'm way too old for Facebook...don't you have to have a college e-mail? I haven't had an active college e-mail account since I graduated in 1999.

Yeah. My school sets up email forwarding for us after we graduate so we can still use our school address to send and receive mail.

[internut33]

I freakin' hate myspace friend sluts who think they're awesome because they have 29339423948 friends. Yeah...look at you and your online awesomeness.

haha amen to that. I have 54 i think, and I know 95% of them in "the real world"

Our radio station here has the "Myspace Douche Bag of the week award" - Shit cracks me up. I know a few who I'd like to nominate.

[wordsmith]

Really, though, is it THAT difficult to amass a lot of ACTUAL friends on myspace? I'm not even a member of the target "Myspace" generation, and even I have 80 friends. And they're all people I actually know, with a few exceptions...

-51 are friends from online communities, either QLC or another forum I've been a member of for about 6 years and have met most of in real life. I've probably met 3/4 of these people at least once, some many times, and consider them "real" friends, in most cases people I talk to daily.

-14 are high school acquaintances

-8 are college acquaintances

-4 are relatives, a sibling and cousins

-2 are people I am connected to through somebody I know from above, but haven't met and don't actually know well.

-1 is a musician. Sadly, I don't know John Legend.

[Kitty]

I don't think 80 is considered a lot in myspace-friend-slutdome. Those people have thousands...

[yankeeyosh]

Yeah, I'm way too old for Facebook...don't you have to have a college e-mail? I haven't had an active college e-mail account since I graduated in 1999.

I had Facebook when I was in grad school, but I really didn't use it.

Most of my friends on Myspace are QLCers, with my brother and his friend on as well, and a couple of people from my former bookclub.

[Angelfacedkilla]

When it comes to myspace,I only got 14 friends on there. All of them I do talk to and some are my friends outside the walls of the net. Other then that. . .
I really think the dude who started this thread needs to chill out and live life. Take a road trip,go to the movies,just get outside dude. Comeing from someone who is single,has a fulltime job,and gets annoyed by coworkers. . .for me taking a road trip and listen to music really recharges the soul.