My theory of the Late 20s/Early 30s Crisis

[thornfield]

A few weeks ago I began talking to a coworker about the issues that come up in our lives. We're both 26, married, college graduates. In the process of this conversation we developed what I had started to call the Late-20s/Early 30s Crisis. It seems almost so bizarre to find this site now, after already coming to my own conclusions about life after college. I've shared this theory with a few friends, ranging in age from 26-32, and they all agree with it. So here's the late 20s/early 30s crisis theory:

After college, after marriage, and in some cases after babies comes a period in our lives where we realize that we've reached all those life goals we'd been planning for since childhood. We've gotten the degree(s), found the career, gotten married, started a family, found a home of our own. We've attained a measure of material comfort. At this point, we look around, and ask "OK, now what?" I've found, in my own life and the experiences of my friends, that "now what" has become an all-consuming question. Particularly those of us without spiritual connection.

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[thornfield]

In many cases we've lost touch with college and high school friends and thus are subsisting on one or two distant friends. We have no support network because the pressures and day-to-day routine of our lives consume our attention. It's at this point that something happens. After drifting aimlessly and feeling lost for a variable period of time, we begin to find hobbies. We start collecting things, or reading more, or becoming web junkies. We learn new languages, develop new skills, find new and ever-changing ways to learn, to expand our horizons, and to have new experiences. In the process, we make new friends and develop new support networks. We join groups, whether in the real world or on the internet. We support causes. We begin to learn more about ourselves.

Why does this happen? Well, I think that part of it is that up until now we've lived with these "life goals" hanging over our heads---finish school, get into a good college, graduate, get a job, make good money, get married, have kids, etc. We've spent most of our lives doing what other people have told or expected us to do. We've worked so long and so hard to meet the expectations of others---parents, teachers, employers---that we haven't had time to learn who WE are as individual human beings.

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[thornfield]

The biggest step in this process is developing the self. For those of us who are not connected with any sort of religious belief system, we may begin to explore other forms of spirituality. We want to reach down inside ourselves, rather than reach outward to some higher being. For many, this includes yoga, meditation, Buddhist practices, and such. For others it is a rediscovery of religion. Our imaginations and creativity, lost somewhere between elementary school and adolescense, resurface. We begin to write, to paint, to sing. We find our inner selves.

What comes from this process? I don't know. I'm still in the middle of it. I've started learning Spanish. I've become interested in Buddhism, meditation, psychic development. I've developed a passion for photography. I want to learn to sing better, to dance. I want to start writing again, like I did back in high school. Because my location and job don't really connect me with others who share my interests, I've joined message boards and developed an online community of friends. I've never met any of them, yet I am more connected with them on an emotional level than I have been with any group of people in a very long time. The goal, for me, is to find a more complete version of myself. To find a measure of contentment with my life, my self, my past, my future. I'll have to let you know how it turns out.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

I relate to some of what you're saying, b/c I've also lost touch with many old friends. You make some good points. But I'm wondering, does the mother of your children also have time to learn Spanish or develop some other interests? As a person working full-time, the week-end is when I have enough energy to play guitar or try to learn another language, but if I were a mother, I think any free time that I may have right now would be completely gone! Is this just a question of male versus female perspective?

You sound as though you could teach your children many things and have influence on THEIR cognitive development. So why does it also sound as though you are downplaying the role of being a father?

[thornfield]

Being a parent is one of the life goals I was talking about. And being a parent and raising your children, while certainly an important focus of your energies, is not ultimately about developing your self in the sense that I'm talking about. If you become too absorbed in the parent role, you can lose touch with who you are as an individual. Much like separating yourself as a individual from your spouse, lest you become nothing more than that. My mom, for example, has been so wrapped up in raising my sisters that when I call to talk to her, all she can talk about is what they're doing and what they're feeling--she's lost touch with who she is. Perhaps she doesn't have time for yoga or Spanish or other more time-consuming endeavors, but this doesn't have to be about killing every hour of the day. Photography is a great hobby that often works well for parents. Spending one night a week out with friends or in a club or at some kind of non-parent/non-spouse meeting is a way of keeping a little part of yourself for yourself. Do you see what I mean?

[Anonymous]

Ok, I don't know why I thought that you are male and that you have children... but I looked at your web page and now I know better. Good luck with everything!

[Densel]

It's so funny to read this:'now what' philosphy.

Over the weekend there was a biography on MADONNA and she says the same thing. She has achieved everything she has set out to do: love, kids, friends and career. She says she is never satisfied and she has to keep creating new goals for herself. She doesn't have to work, she is a wealthy lady. She took up Yoga, meditation, buddism, etc. You have to keep reinventing yourself. As long as you are still breathing, keep going.

Learn another language, get your master's degree, volunteer, start a group activity, sell Mary Kay cosmetics, write a story to share with your kids, read the bible, learn about other cultures, take a course at a community college: Interior design, sex education, learn to play an instrument...There is so much to do out there. It's very important to keep yourself busy. A lot of people who murder, who enjoy racism, who steal, rapists, etc. did crazy and stupid things because they were bored.

I watched this show - Detectives and 4 teenage girls from wealthy homes robbed some convenient stores. When they were asked why? You obviously didn't need the money? They replied, "There was nothing else to do." Look around you? You are blessed. You are in a country were things are at arms reach. AN IDLE MIND IS THE DEVILS PLAYGROUND. You are so fortunate, so LUCKY.